Dako Posted March 28, 2008 Share Posted March 28, 2008 I'm tired. I grow weary of dealing with my helpless, drifty mother's unending red tape, filling out endless forms and being treated like a stranger by banks, government bureaucrats and offices. Tired of taking one step forward and two back. Sick of hearing myself say, "That's okay, I'll take care of it Mom" and driving away screaming in my car. Tired of being told my power of attorney is powerless, Mom has to appear at their office to do anything even though she sits in a diaper in a wheelchair afraid to leave that floor in a depressing facility. The pile of paperwork on my table never ends. Everything I can do for my own affairs is simpler that battling to resolve Mom's routine needs. Phone menus are designed for other people. Websites don't address the needs of a caretaker, and Mom is as web-savvy as a turnip. If she hears a phone menu she freaks out and hangs up. Leave your name and number and we'll call back to recite our policy on that. Dubya's famous Patriot Act makes any banking transaction for an infirm parent an exercise in futility. I'd love to kick him in the Texas nuts. Tired of working at job searches, temp work and fearing one good illness can wipe out my finances, so I get to pay $340 a month for marginal healthcare that employed folks take for granted. Tired of trying so damn hard. Sometimes I just don't enjoy this game at all. I'm doing Mom's laundry tonight, filling out forms, drinking and whining online. I love my mom, but wish I could escape. No, there's nobody else to do this. Beer. Link to comment
annie24 Posted March 28, 2008 Share Posted March 28, 2008 hugs dako! hang in there. i hope the paperwork with your mom ends soon, will she be in a stable situation soon where you don't have to keep dealing with papers? Link to comment
WaterIsLife Posted March 28, 2008 Share Posted March 28, 2008 Hey Dako, I'm so sorry you are going thru this. The health and power of attorney system here in the US is truly FUBaR. I know. My mother ran a non-profit doing just this for people that needed help for a lot of years. She had been in a unique situation, she had worked in legal offices for a time and in medical offices. So one day she started the non-profit since she felt it was so sorely needed for people dealing with not one, but 2 bureaucracies. I wish I could pass on some of her knowledge and wisdom to you. But I can't. It truly is a lot to handle. If I could be dictator for a day this sort of thing would be one of the first I would fix. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted March 28, 2008 Share Posted March 28, 2008 i don't blame you for being tired. When you're only trying to the right thing, and the thing that nobody else is around to do, and running into obstacles at every turn... that would wear anyone out. Whine all you want. You certainly keep your good humor around here 99% of the time. Drink beer, for sure. Link to comment
Dako Posted March 28, 2008 Author Share Posted March 28, 2008 hugs dako! hang in there. i hope the paperwork with your mom ends soon, will she be in a stable situation soon where you don't have to keep dealing with papers? Thanks all. My goal is to get her affairs simplified, but each step is thwarted by something new. One example is her bank that receives three fixed income checks each month and is terrible at customer service. I'm trying to close that account and get the checks sent to her main account so one bank handles it all. Each depositor wants different identification, forms and won't return calls. I get told one thing on the phone, another online, but get the best response appearing at an office with a demanding attitude. Being a parent would be easier, because society accepts your role. Caring for old folks is like adopting, except you have to do it over and over according to each corporate policy. I joined a forum for caretakers, but it depresses me to read the tales of people with worse situations. Truly heartbreaking stuff that drives me back to ENA to read about pube-shaving and cup sizes. I'd recommend having no parents. jk Link to comment
tiredofvampires Posted March 28, 2008 Share Posted March 28, 2008 Hey, I'm sorry to hear about all this dreadful rigamarole. I know how infuriating the combination of all these institutions becomes -- they just compound eachother. I think you're showing amazing patience and fortitude. I have encountered exactly what you're talking about with forums or support groups for specialized problems -- sometimes it's just more demoralizing in ways. It's good you have that avenue of support, but just try to get what you can and need from it while not "taking on" stories that are not yours. By that I mean taking a bit of a nonattached view of it, and just gleaning what information helps you. I imagine it must be good thought to vent there from time to time -- though yeah, you are about the least whiney of persons on here, so I think we owe you a lot of, uh, whine. Just keep holding to yourself the continual reminder that at the end of the day -- and I mean at the very end of the day -- you will be glad for every blasted car trip you took to demand something in person because the job wouldn't have gotten done otherwise, every phone call you made, every i you dotted and every t you crossed, whether she thought she couldn't do it or because she really couldn't. At the end of the day, she can't do these things -- and you can. At the end of the day you will be glad you did every single vexing one, and be at peace that you didn't once drop the ball. It will all be worth it for that sense of responsibility fulfilled for eternity. Link to comment
geadrops Posted March 28, 2008 Share Posted March 28, 2008 hey I need a job!!! I'll help, but sounds like you cant really pay me, lol Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted March 28, 2008 Share Posted March 28, 2008 I am so sorry for what you're going through. You have such a way of expressing it in words...it was marvously written Dako. You're right...all that you are going through it a bunch of red tape bull*** No one should have to jump though so many hoops, and our elderly should not have to live this way. Hang tough... My best to you... ~Allie Link to comment
hosswhispra Posted March 28, 2008 Share Posted March 28, 2008 Hugs Dako Even in your vent you remain witty! Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted March 28, 2008 Share Posted March 28, 2008 I second TOV's post. As painfully frustrating as it is, you will be able to sleep better at night knowing you did all that you can. Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted March 28, 2008 Share Posted March 28, 2008 Its very hard emotionally and physically looking after ones parents. Your mother is truly blessed and she obviously raised you right for all the things that you do for her now. I'm not sure what state your mom is in but I'm sure she loves you for all the burdens you now carry for her. You are part of a growing community - children looking after parents... that along with people raising their grandkids... are two groups fastly on the rise. Are there support groups in your area? I remember when a friend of mine was going through this and there were resources available for assistance (but this was nearly 8yr ago.) At least you've come here and unloaded your burden... sometimes just saying what a load of bull something is to someone helps you feel better. Good luck on finding permanent employment. Link to comment
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