He's in a relationship, should I tell I him I've liked him for years???

[FreedomRing]

Thanks for you pov Tyler, my other side can totally agree with your logic here.

 

CAD sorry, but I agree wtih Tyler, those other examples seem to me, to be a bit of apples and oranges...I def wouldn't group it all the same.

 

Now, I could see if I was condoning cheating on his gf, or proposing the idea of dipping out on his gf, but I would never suggest any of the sort. Expressing my feelings, when he just so happened to be with someone else(I've been around longer, I might add) doesn't constitute breaking any real "moral" code in my book.

 

I'm not sure if anyone caught the reference I made to a dear friend who I know liked me for years, being tragically killed last year, with me realizing when it was TOO LATE..how I would have loved to get closer to him as an adult...this notion that one sec you're here, and the next, might be your last, is the main force behind me even contemplating approaching him. I could never have that happen again...and forgive myself.

 

I tend to agree with those who say if this news was to be the reason for the dissolution of their relationship, well, I would think that their relationship just wasn't that strong. Period.

 

And as for the idea that it could happen to me, etc...well naturally I'd have to apply the same logic in my situation...just the chance you take...

[Batya33]

It's always interesting to me when people justify being tactless, selfish, thoughtless, as "but I was just expressing my feelings" as if letting it all hang out justifies all or any of the above.

 

Luckily I don't have any "friends" like that.

[FreedomRing]

To each's own Batya...luckily you don't..everyone has their own definitions and perspectives on friends...feel free to disagree, but being borderline rude, has no place on this thread..

[Batya33]

I don't find it rude or borderline rude - and, in any event, if you want to justify taking this action as "just expressing your feelings" then of course you would understand that I was "just expressing my feelings" yes?

 

But I don't justify selfish behavior in that way (and you described it that way in a previous post) - in my personal opinion, a true friend balances her need to "express her feelings" with various factors including timing, context, situation, impact on her friend, impact on the friendship, etc. It's not always easy and certainly not always easy to choose to act in someone else's best interest and show a bit of restraint out of thoughtfulness and tact, but no one said friendships were always easy. I doubt many people would want to be friends with someone who didn't have a filter and thought that was ok because "I was just expressing my feelings."

[FreedomRing]

Absolutely, I understand that, but I never suggested that I would express my feelings in a rude or sarcastic sort of way, which I would def consider your previous comment as...you seem to rarely admit fault on these threads so I'm not expecting you to agree with that...but it's all good..

[Batya33]

I am more than ready to admit fault if I am wrong. The problem here is, that you want to say on the one hand "yes of course this behavior is selfish" and on the other hand "it's ok because I'm just expressing my feelings" and have people accept that without scratching their heads and responding "huh? and that's what you call being a friend?"

 

To me it would be selfish to express your feelings to him in this situation. You I don't care how you express the words - it can be in the most mannerly, articulate way - I was referring to the behavior in doing so, not in the word choice.

 

I just found it ironic that when I expressed my feelings about your behavior all of a sudden that is "rude" but you live by the credo of "if I need to express my feelings to a friend, that's justification enough for doing so, no matter what the context, situation, etc" -

 

You can't have it both ways.

 

good luck to you. I hope that you're never in the position where your bf's "friend" decides to "confess" feelings to him. It may not change your bf's feelings a bit but you'd be a rare person indeed if, upon hearing that you were able to dismiss it with "oh, that's fine, glad you didn't respond - when are we seeing her for dinner again - really looking forward - I like a woman who expresses her feelings like that!!" He'd be saddled with whether to tell you, how to interact with the "friend," especially if his gf was there, and the whole walking on eggshells issue.

 

Please don't misuse the positive side of expressing one's feelings to justify behavior like this. That's not what people mean when they praise and admire people for expressing their feelings.

[MattW]

Well, let me pose a question to sabreen81; if you were to tell him your feelings, and have him reject you, would you be willing to try to get over it, and remain friends with him? Most people will probably tell you that it's still selfish either way, and I don't know that I necessarily disagree, but I just think that if you were to answer "no" to that question, it would be more selfish than if you had answered "yes".

 

See, it seems like what people are saying is that by telling him your feelings while he's in a relationship, you won't be being a very good "friend" to him. But... I think it would be a lot worse if you were giving him a sort of an "ultimatum"; as in, "I know we've been friends for a long time, but I have feelings for you; it's either her or me, and I can't continue to be friends with you if you choose her". But if you're not putting a lot of pressure into his answer and forcing the fate of the friendship to rely on it, it doesn't really seem like you're being a "bad friend", to me. I mean, afterall, isn't that why we bond with people and form friendships in the first place, to have some one to share our emotions with? Just like how you're saying that "if he'd leave his girlfriend just because I told him I liked him, then his relationship must not have been that strong", well, if your friendship with him would dissolve just because you express your feelings for him, then maybe the friendship wasn't as strong as you had thought.

 

I dunno; maybe I just sympathize with you because I'm in a similar situation and I know how damn hard it can be to deal with it. I'm really on the fence between these two groups here (those that think it's okay and those that think it'd be selfish), because I think both sides make some valid points. But I don't know how you feel about this guy, or what your intentions are, or anything like that. As for my situation, I'm just going to stay friendly with the girl I like and wait to see how her relationship plays out.

[annie24]

i mean, you just have to look at all the possible outcomes. ok, you get it off your chest. i see dozens of outcomes. he can say:

 

1 - yes, i like you too, but i love my gf, i can't walk out on her.

2 - yes, i like you, but i don't think we would be a good match.

3 - yes, i have feelings for you too and i'm afraid of it, i don't think we should be friends anymore, too much temptation.

4 - yes, i have feelings for you, i'll dump my gf this afternoon. i just hope she doesn't go psycho on your or my ass.

5 - yes i have feelings for you, but i can't break up with my gf because it's her bday this month/st.patrick's day/labor day/christmas/v-day, etc..... (i knew a situation where this went on for 2 years!!! always an excuse why he couldn't break up with his gf)

 

or....

 

6 - no, i don't have feelings for you. i don't feel comfortable spending time with you anymore, i don't think my gf would like it.

7 - no, i don't have feelings for you, i thought we were friends, why would you do this to me?

8 - no, i don't have feelings for you. by the way, i proposed to my gf last night, we're getting married in september. i don't think you should be in the wedding party anymore.

9 - no, we're just friends, i don't have those feelings for you.....

 

i dunno..... i mean, looking at all the options, the 'best case scenario' would be him breaking up with his gf, but then she would probably hate both of you, and it would cause awkwardness with all your mutual friends.... not really a best case scenario..

 

how do you expect him to react if you were to reveal your feelings?

[FreedomRing]

Yeah there are a multitude of outcomes that could take place...

 

To Matt...if I put my feelings out there and he respectfully accepted my feelings but decided to stay with his gf, of course I would remain being friends with him..either way. Realistically, I would anticipate the next few weeks/months being a little bit awkward, but I'm sure he would follow whatever behavior I would display...so if I came off light and airy, like I wasn't phased, then I'm sure our friendship would remain intact.

 

To clarify though, I have not met the gf. We do not have mutual friends. I am friends with him, and that's it. From my understanding, what she knows of me, is brief stories he told her about about a couple of classes we had together with a nutty prof(pun intended). Nothing more then that...and I think my name might have only been dropped in passing...This will prob be selfish..but I really have no ties to her, or and am not really phased about her role in this equation.

 

If I were friends with this girl, even acquaintances, I doubt I would even be considering this at all...that would have more weight for me.

 

I honestly have NO idea what sort of words he would say..but I have a hunch he would say something to the effect of him being with his gf, you know I'm in a relationship, blah blah..perhaps under different circumstances, yada yada...like I said..throughout the years we've been friends, we've always been single when the other wasn't...and there has NEVER been a single flirt or anything like that exchanged b/w either one of us. I could take that as him not being interested or respecting when I was in a relationship OR, none of the above, and that in fact he may have had a crush on ME the entire time..and been just as shy/confused as how to act on it as well...

 

BTW- annie, your #4 outcome made me LOL..

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It's always interesting to me when people justify being tactless, selfish, thoughtless, as "but I was just expressing my feelings" as if letting it all hang out justifies all or any of the above.

 

Luckily I don't have any "friends" like that.

 

I used to have "friends" like that...that is why I chose to end those 'friendships". Selfish people will always go out of their way to justify their selfishness and twist the blame on to others. It is interesting to see the posts where it is deemed acceptable to profess love to an attached person and absolve themselves of blame by saying that the recipient doesn't have to act on this information and if the recipient does, then it is his doing and the the deliverer is off the hook...and who gives a crap about the girlfriend who got hurt because she would have gotten hurt anyway. Yes, my examples do indeed have relevance...but of course the relevance would be lost on those who believe that you should be allowed to say anything if it makes you feel better without regard to other people's feelings.

[FreedomRing]

I used to have "friends" like that...that is why I chose to end those 'friendships". Selfish people will always go out of their way to justify their selfishness and twist the blame on to others. It is interesting to see the posts where it is deemed acceptable to profess love to an attached person and absolve themselves of blame by saying that the recipient doesn't have to act on this information and if the recipient does, then it is his doing and the the deliverer is off the hook...and who gives a crap about the girlfriend who got hurt because she would have gotten hurt anyway. Yes, my examples do indeed have relevance...but of course the relevance would be lost on those who believe that you should be allowed to say anything if it makes you feel better without regard to other people's feelings.

 

Sorry, I just don't agree with this....if he were to decide to end his relationship, it's not as if I had a gun to his head, or strong armed him into being with me...he's not a puppet that I can manipulate or coerce into doing anything he didn't want to do....I don't see how I would have any responsibility to the gf..that's HIS gf..not mine..I'm not committed to her...I really wouldn't feel any guilt, and IF i did, I'd have to say it would be minimal at best...diff pov people...it's ok to disagree last I checked, no?

[annie24]

To clarify though, I have not met the gf. We do not have mutual friends. I am friends with him, and that's it. From my understanding, what she knows of me, is brief stories he told her about about a couple of classes we had together with a nutty prof(pun intended). Nothing more then that...and I think my name might have only been dropped in passing...This will prob be selfish..but I really have no ties to her, or and am not really phased about her role in this equation.

 

well, i mean people who know you and him, or just you, not necessarily talking about her or her friends. they can view you as a 'homewrecker' and not look upon you favorably for breaking up a relationship. i have to tell you, i have a friend who got into a relationship with a married man and i stopped talking to her as a result. mind you, i don't know the guy or his wife, but i just thought it was so low down and dirty what she was doing, i wanted no part in it or near her.

 

your friends might get jist of what is going on and not trust you around their husbands or boyfriends, know what i mean?

 

i do think you should ask him casually 'how's your relationship going' and get him to open up. i think you are kind of living with 'blinders' on, their relationship isn't really real to you at this point. i would ask him what's going on, casually, as a friend would ask, so you'll have a better sense of the reality of the situation. i get the impression that his relationship isn't 'real' to you at this stage.

[FreedomRing]

My friend is pretty decent and level-headed...I doubt very seriously if he were to leave his relationship after i told him my news, that it would be SOLELY because of what I said. I mean they've been doing the long distance thing since 6-months in, and now it's been 2 years...so if he would've bailed, I think he would've done it by now, as I'm sure we can all admit(and I have been the "ear" to which he himself has vented to, during the rocky times) that doing a ldr is difficult at times.

 

And I may have been living with blinders on before in relation to their relationship, however, that has become even mor real to me within the last few weeks, since I've joined Facebook, and gained access to his page, filled with pics of her and him together. The realness of their relationship hit me like a ton of bricks, moreso because I had no idea what she looked like before...just had a name to go by.

 

Annie, I have asked him periodically how his relationship is going, along with the regular "check-in" kind of questions, incl his family, work, etc...it's about that time to do another check-in, I think it's my turn..so I may do that this week, as I've heard he tore his ACL...but um, since I normally ask about the sate of his relationship anyway, I'd be more likely to say something when I heard that it was defnitely finito.

[annie24]

i think you are making a lot of assumptions about their relationship. and you know what they say when you 'assume'.

 

i would just ask him how the relationship is going, so you get some facts from him, so you know what to do next.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Sorry, I just don't agree with this....if he were to decide to end his relationship, it's not as if I had a gun to his head, or strong armed him into being with me...he's not a puppet that I can manipulate or coerce into doing anything he didn't want to do....I don't see how I would have any responsibility to the gf..that's HIS gf..not mine..I'm not committed to her...I really wouldn't feel any guilt, and IF i did, I'd have to say it would be minimal at best...diff pov people...it's ok to disagree last I checked, no?

 

 

It is about having a moral responsibility to do right by others and not stab people in the back even if you don't know them personally. No you can't manipulate him, but going after an attached man and declaring your love for him is morally wrong, puts him in an uncomfortable position, abuses your status as his friend and stabs his girlfriend in the back.

[annie24]

Annie, I have asked him periodically how his relationship is going, along with the regular "check-in" kind of questions, incl his family, work, etc...it's about that time to do another check-in, I think it's my turn..so I may do that this week, as I've heard he tore his ACL...but um, since I normally ask about the sate of his relationship anyway, I'd be more likely to say something when I heard that it was defnitely finito.

 

i would even ask him more bluntly - like, 'do you think you guys are going to get married - is she the one?' and see how he responds.

[FreedomRing]

Well to me, sitting back being his "friend", listening to him vent about his relationship when it's going swell, and when he's ready to throw in the towel, all the while, with deep feelings for him the entire time, but never mentioning it(not something that has lasted for a couple of weeks or months, but years rather)would def be putting him in an even more uncomfortable position IMO, and I, if I were him, would question our friendship in that circumstance as well...so I can see how sitting back and not saying anything as well as, saying how I feel could be detrimental....

[FreedomRing]

i would even ask him more bluntly - like, 'do you think you guys are going to get married - is she the one?' and see how he responds.

 

Yeah, it's def time to grab the bull by the horns so to speak...I'm afraid of the answer....I've mulled over this for years....discussed with close friends, etc...I keep trying to push to the back of my head..but it's getting harder as time goes by.

[annie24]

i think once you know how he responds to that question, you'll have a better idea of what to do next. if he says he's going to break up with her soon, then i would wait until after he does then confess. if he says that they are getting serious, are moving in together, have casusally looked at rings, i wouldn't bother, he's as good as gone.

[FreedomRing]

i think once you know how he responds to that question, you'll have a better idea of what to do next. if he says he's going to break up with her soon, then i would wait until after he does then confess. if he says that they are getting serious, are moving in together, have casusally looked at rings, i wouldn't bother, he's as good as gone.

 

Hmm...I'm not sure if any of that stuff would mean he wouldn't consider the idea..(moving in together, etc), I've heard of ppl the day before the wedding day, calling the relationship off to be with other ppl, long lost friends, etc..you get my drift.

 

I do know that as of 6 months ago they were going to move to another state together, contingent upon her getting a job back in our home state, which she didnt get...and I know that before that, he interviewed for many jobs down where she lives, but had "no luck"..I guess neither have found the right jobs to pick up and move to the other...so they're staying put, and continuing the ldr....don't know if this holds significance or not...

[annie24]

yes, i've heard of people backing out the day before the wedding.... but it isn't so common. besides, a lot of these people have had doubts for a while.

 

it doesn't sound like from anything you've described about him that he's had underlying feelings from you. hasn't done/said anything, etc...

 

i would ask what is going on. i definitely have male friends who have told me they have every intention of marrying a woman, or if they are unsure of the relationship or whatnot. remember, don't assume anything!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Well to me, sitting back being his "friend", listening to him vent about his relationship when it's going swell, and when he's ready to throw in the towel, all the while, with deep feelings for him the entire time, but never mentioning it(not something that has lasted for a couple of weeks or months, but years rather)would def be putting him in an even more uncomfortable position

 

No, he is not in an uncomfortable position because he doesn't know. It is only when you spill the beans that he will be in an uncomfortable position. Your problem suddenly becomes his problem. This is really your issue not his and his girlfriend's. They have been trying to find a way to move closer together and so far things haven't gelled with regards to the job situation. I am sure that is very frustrating for them but as a couple they can work through that...plenty of people who were in LDRs have successfully worked through the bugs.

 

Sure, plenty of people have called it quits before the wedding...and certainly it seems to be a popular theme in movies and TV shows where the bride and groom are walking down the aisle and suddenly someone at the back declares their love for the bride and she halts the wedding and goes riding off into the sunset with this other person.

[annie24]

Sure, plenty of people have called it quits before the wedding...and certainly it seems to be a popular theme in movies and TV shows where the bride and groom are walking down the aisle and suddenly someone at the back declares their love for the bride and she halts the wedding and goes riding off into the sunset with this other person.

 

i'm reminded of "my best friend's wedding" when cameron diaz walks in on julia roberts kissing her man, then runs away crying. then the groom is chasing cameron, and julia is chasing the groom. julia calls her best friend, says the situation, and he asks her, 'who's chasing you?' she says, 'no one.' he said, 'that's your answer.'

[lady00]

I just read this entire thread and I honestly believe if he wanted to be with you. Men tend to pursue women they want to be with. I realize you probably feel it's more complex than that, but I would have to ask why. If a man wants a woman, nothing will stand in his way. I really do believe that. I would not bring up your feelings in this situation. Instead, I would stop contact with him or at least distance yourself a lot and talk to other guys.

[Batya33]

Well, yes that is true but when a man is committed elsewhere, he may choose to prioritize his commitment over pursuing the other woman - of course that is more likely if there is a marriage and family involved. That's one reason getting involved with a man who is committed to someone else is so tricky - because then the "do anything" may include ending a long standing relationship without really knowing if the other woman is right for him (unless he cheats, and that's a whole other situation).