He's in a relationship, should I tell I him I've liked him for years???

[lady00]

Well, yes that is true but when a man is committed elsewhere, he may choose to prioritize his commitment over pursuing the other woman - of course that is more likely if there is a marriage and family involved. That's one reason getting involved with a man who is committed to someone else is so tricky - because then the "do anything" may include ending a long standing relationship without really knowing if the other woman is right for him (unless he cheats, and that's a whole other situation).

 

That's true. I don't think a guy or woman would throw out a good committed relationship just to pursue someone they're unsure is even right for them. But I have seen successful couples I am close to emerge where a guy (or woman) does leave an unhappy situation and then (but not in order to) pursue someone else where there is no cheating involved. The key though is that an unhappy relationship will and should end if the people in it just can't figure out how to make it happy again or are just unwilling to do so. I think a lot of people leave someone for someone else for all of the wrong reasons and then end up feeling foolish, but sometimes it can work. I've only seen it work when the person leaving is genuinely unhappy in it and the relationship was coming to an end anyway. One case in particular, my friend was very unhappy, was treated badly by her boyfriend and she broke things off. She had already met someone she felt something for but she had not pursued it and the guy also stated that he would not pursue her while she was still with her boyfriend. She kept it to chatting in before and after class (they were students) and at group social events but a mutual attraction was emerging. She tried to make her relationship work even though if I were her, I would have thrown in the towel on a guy like that sooner. She was conflicted about it, so she tried, but realized it was a losing battle and he wasn't changing. She knew there were no guarantees with the new guy and told me early on she would be happy with just being single but that she just had to get out of her unhappy relationship. I saw how her ex treated her and how it would upset her and I was worried about her but kept out of it and didn't say what I thought. She pursued the new guy and he was the one who was at first weary of getting involved with her too soon after the breakup so they slowed things down a lot and really took their time with it. From what I observe, new bf is a great match for her, treats her well, and they are both happy, so in that case it worked out. Sometimes, it works but I think it has to be done right and for the right reasons and under very very particular circumstances.

 

In the OP's case, I don't think expressing how she feels is the right move.

[tangi39]

Let's assume everything goes as you hope-

He's majorly in love with you, wants to leave his current gf to be with you. You get together- One day you have a fight- he meets up with an old friend who has the hots for him- she makes every possible attempt to steal him from you- but she does it in a way so he won't blame her - and even tells him- You shouldn't be with someone like her cause you have fights - She doesn't know you, so she won't care how you feel, if you're in love, stood beside him through thick and thin or planning on spending your life with him.

He takes his "friend's" word about you to heart- and starts fighting with you about why you "made him" break up with his ex. Or starts hanging out with this other girl all time the time- You want to trust him, but with his track record you can't.

It turns out you weren't right for each other all along, he realizes he made a mistake and break up with you and proceeds to attempt to win back his ex.

 

And this is your "Best case scenario" - Impossible you say ? Not really.

Improabable ? Perhaps, but I have seen this situation happen again and again and again.

I can tell from being on the receiving end- You can say "I wouldn't freak out if I was in her shoes, etc." But wait til you spend that long with someone and have invested all your time and energy in them -only for someone to come along and try to ruin it - Even if he doesn't stray- You will be more than a little upset at this woman. And keep in mind- Hell hath no fury than that of a woman scorned- So you will have to deal with that as well- Even if they break up-She won't just disappear - and even if you did stay together- You would always have that stigma- especially to his family- of being a "man stealer".

 

In the end, you will do whatever you want no matter what anyone here says.

 

But keep in mind, What goes around comes around. And if you get your heart broken don't bother posting here about it- because according to you since we don't know you personally we shouldn't care about your feelings.

[annie24]

wow- thanks for sharing. i think HE was the one who was selfish.

 

He told me that since coming back he wasn't sure about his r/ship anymore but that the contract was signed and it was too late to back out. His parents wanted him to get his own apartment and her parents were emigrating, and neither of them could afford to rent on their own (and they live in a small small town where roomies are hard to come by).

 

this was the point where he should have broken the lease, and found a tiny apartment or a room in a shared house or something on his own. even if it was hard, there must be a way. he should have broken up with the gf, and then pursued you. this is where i think he went wrong. instead, continuing with this pointless flirtation for a long time, and then not breaking up with his gf.... that was selfish. i don't think it was selfish of you to go nc. that's what i would have done. clearly, you couldn't have stayed in that situation forever, waiting for him to break up with his gf, while he is living a 'comfortable' life with her. blah.

[rikka]

Another tale from "in her shoes"....

 

A few months back while my boyfriend and I were LD, an ex of his re-initiated contact. At first it seems platonic and just old friends catching up. A few weeks later it became PAINFULLY obvious that she had other interests than friendship. When my boyfriend told her that he was in a relationship and had no intentions of leaving it her reply was something to the effect of 'just putting it out there, in case you ever change your mind you know.' And that was the point when he stopped interacting with her.

 

Even though it wasn't a threat to me or my relationship (i have much faith and trust in my boyfriend), I felt it to be a rude and selfish act. It disrespects my relationship, it severed any chance of a friendship with them (they knew each other from WAY back). It didn't "test" his love for me, it was just rude.

 

OP you seem to be hung up on a fantasy of sorts. Worse yet, it seems like your crush is holding you back. It concerns me that you feel it is MORE important to express your feelings if his relationship is headed towards marriage. I agree with the other posters, it is a selfish act. This isn't just about you. It is about him and her as well. It will accomplish nothing. This is real life, not the movies.

[lady00]

Wow...I think this post perhaps but it best.

[FreedomRing]

Thanks for your post...

 

It is your experience, and yours alone though, so to then make reaching comments as "hung up on fantasies" and that "he's holding me back"(from what, might I ask?) is a bit much imo...I never said there was no other man out there for me....this is something that has weighed on my mind for years, but it has not held me back from entering any new relationships in the least...nor am I saying that it ever will.

 

To say that it will accomplish nothing is pure speculation. You have no idea anymore then I do, so while I've gathered this is a sore spot for you, let's just leave it as that and refrain from the generalizations, shall we?

[rikka]

you want the flipside of the coin.....

 

My brother developed a crush on a married co-worker (don't get me started on that one). He admitted his feelings to her, she had mutual feelings. They started something on the side. Reality was her marriage was going badly she needed an escape, he was an excellent reason. 6 months later (after separating from her husband for a time) she is back together with her husband and they are working on their marriage.... my brother is heartbroken. He believed her when she said she loved him to. In my mind, both of them were fools. Both of them acted selfishly. He should have kept his mouth shut and moved on.

 

Friend A was in a long relationship 4 years. Friend B started getting a crush on her (they met through me). Friend A was complaining she was miserable in her relationship. Friend B confessed his feelings for her. She ended her relationship to give it a try. Did they end up happily ever after? Not in the least. They are still dealing with the fall out of it (and all of our mutual friends are caught in the middle).

 

So I have seen it from both ends and I still stand by that it is a selfish thing to do.

 

Yes, it is a fantasy. As a few other posters pointed out (and you yourself has admitted) throughout 5 years NOTHING has been said or done. NOTHING. You admitted there has been no flirting or comments.

 

Answer this, what do you want? What do you want to accomplish by expressing your feelings for him? What do you hope is the final outcome?

[lady00]

I've read through this whole thread and I still haven't gotten a sense of where you think he stands on this. Maybe I missed something, but I do agree with rikka...after 5 years he has not made a move...why? Were you both always in relationships with other people? If not, he is just not interested in a romantic relationship with you.

[Batya33]

It's not just Rikka's experience - it's been mine too, more than once, unfortunately. Good thing I believe in karma.