fiancee, rape? and his performance

[Snoopy24]

You are lucky.

 

But you are not other people, and one day does not compare to other who are sucked in then stuck.

 

and other people can't leave their abusive relationship?? and why is that? Because they are scared or they can't support themselves..Sorry but that is not an excuse.

[melrich]

Because they are scared or they can't support themselves..Sorry but that is not an excuse.

 

This is beyond your understanding Snoopy and too complex to explain easily here nor is it where this thread should go. Do some research on the net and you will get a feel for it.

[Snoopy24]

Unfortunately, I don't need to tell you anything. There are enough women (and men) on this forum who would be able to explain this concept very well. They are hurting and their lives are being destroyed every single day, and I feel you belittle their suffering by making it out to be as easy as choosing what movie to watch on a Friday night.

 

I'm not belittling anyone. I am saying, besides a young child..if you are a grown adult and someone is physically or emotionally abusing you. Leave. Simple as that. Maybe it would be hard, but they are the one's that choose to stay.

[agent1607307371]

You are massively oversimplifying it.

 

People in abusive relationships have their logic and thinking warped by the abuser, they are unable to make a choice that it obvious because they can no longer make healthy choices.

[RayKay]

I'm not belittling anyone. I am saying, besides a young child..if you are a grown adult and someone is physically or emotionally abusing you. Leave. Simple as that. Maybe it would be hard, but they are the one's that choose to stay.

 

I volunteer with abused women, and I will say you are grossly, grossly underestimating the cycle of violence that occurs that makes it far, far more difficult to just "leave". It is not something that just happens overnight - they are not abusive when you get involved with them initially, and slowly your support systems are cut off and you really do believe not only is it your fault, but that no one else would care - amongst a whole lot of other issues like the fact the most DANGEROUS time is the actual leaving, the lack of financial or social support, fears for children that come from years of manipulation, lack of education and simply just being the victim of the the abused mentality. The risk to their life itself is not remote - most abused women are killed when/after they leave, not when they stay - and it can be VERY scary.

 

I do agree that they need to leave; but to put it down to simply being a choice like whether to order the chocolate or vanilla ice cream cone is asinine.

 

I can also easily say that I would never remain with someone whom cheated and lied; yet many do because it is not so easy when your esteem is low, you feel dependent, insecure, fearful or feel you "love" them and I can understand that while I do think they need to leave, that it is not as easy for people when they are actually IN the situation and it not only takes time, but it takes a lot more then simply just saying "alright, well, bye then!".

[PocoDiablo]

Is it rape?

 

I would say it depends. It depends on YOU. If you think it's rape, and you've told him so, and you don't like it, then sure.

 

I, however, know plenty of women who enjoy the fantasy of being raped. I know several who either get drunk, high, or take prescription drugs to knock themselves out. Some of these women ask their partners to video the event so they can watch and masturbate later. So, to these people it's *not* rape.

 

But that's because they enjoy it, they trust their partner, and it is sexually fulfilling to both people.

 

In your case, it sounds like you do NOT enjoy it, you do NOT trust your partner, and it is NOT sexually fulfilling. And considering you've told your fiance that he needs to stop, you have two options (in my opinion):

 

1. Dump him.

2. Report him to the cops and have him arrested.

 

Personally I would vote #1. Putting someone in jail because their sexual preferences don't match yours, but potentially may match someone else's never seemed to make sense to me (assuming it's consensual, you know what I mean!)

 

To me, I would bet money there is something bigger going on. More than just the weird sex, you are not happy in the relationship, and this is the issue you are picking up. It's big, it's serious, and you're trying to get a message accross to him that you want out. You want him to dump you because you don't have the strength or power to do so.

 

He's not getting the hint...

 

Yeah, about 4 months of our 1-year-long relationship was long distance and there is a lot that is wrong with the relationship.

See? You have other issues - and like many insecure woman you are using hints to try and get the message accross. You want him to realize things need to change, but I have a feeling you are not opening the channels of communication in a way that the two of you are TRULY talking to each other and TRULY understanding each other. So you are resorting to this.

 

I have seen women also flirt with other men, cheat, or appear to be cheating to get a guy to dump her. It's just a tactic in my opinion, that's what I think.

 

There are a lot of things that I don't like about him, but I feel like he has 2 personalities...In addition to all of the negative things, there are a lot of positives.

You need to have some self respect and have some standards. Self respect says "You may not treat me poorly. I am too valuable of a person." Standards says "I will never allow myself to be treated as a concubine, a sex toy, against my will. No man may ever treat me like this." You must also have the self confidence to say "I will end this, I will be an adult, I will grown and learn, I will move on and find a GREAT man. This guy may be 85% good, but the 15% bad is not a good return on my investment of energy, time, and love. I deserve 95% or better in a man!"

 

He is really wonderful sometimes. He bends over backwards for me. If he senses I'm cold, he will put his jacket on me, he opens doors for me. He says all those wonderful things that women want to hear and is constantly confessing his love to me.

I'm sure he is good some times. But it sounds like he has a sinister side that does not match up with your expectations. There are people who get off with rough sex, bondage, whatever, but you don't appear to be one of them. Let him go! Let him find a woman who IS into that, and you can find a man who is into YOU!

 

We have a lot in common.

I'm sure you do. But being engaged to a rapist is not good. What happens if you have a friend over and she gets drunk and passes out. Is he going to rape her? What are the long term consequences of this?

 

I know I shouldn’t marry him and I should probably get out of the relationship, but I feel like I can’t. I always justify the negative things he does or make excuses for him to myself. It’s hard to leave someone who seems to love you so much (sometimes).

It's hard to get out of a relationship that feeds your insecurity and self-belief that you are worthless... The solution is to realize you can feel MUCH better with a better man. You're the only one holding yourself back, my dear.

 

You've told him it's rape. It is. End of story. Let him know he needs to make a choice - stop doing it or leave. If he does it again, you need to leave, and stay away 100%.

 

This is an adult situation. Be an adult. You have to make an adult decision.

[agent1607307371]

There are people who get off with rough sex, bondage, whatever, but you don't appear to be one of them.

 

And neither does he. Please don't lump him in with us perverts.

 

We at least like consent and a willing "victim".

 

Those who enjoy the fantasy of being raped, talk to their partner and consent to it. That is not the OP.

And her partner is not someone who is getting off on the fantasy of raping someone.

 

He is getting off on actual rape. Without knowledge and without consent.

[Snoopy24]

.

 

When I was 22 I was with someone for awhile who I thought I was going to marry. I lived with him, he supported me, and the day he hit me was the day I left.

 

I understand everyone has a different situation, but IMO if someone abuses them, and they are an adult, they need to leave and go to a safe place.

 

Cheating is a lot different from abusing. But my current boyfriend cheated on me in the beginning of our relationship. I decided to give him another chance. Not because my esteem is low, or I was dependent on him. I loved him, and I understood his reasoning. There is never a good excuse or reason for cheating, but I understood his, and chose to forgive him. I don't think he ever would do that again. I am pretty certain he wont, but If he were to ever cheat on me again, it would be 100% my fault. Because I stayed with him, and I know what he is capable of.

 

Anyone who ever hit me, would never get that second chance.

[savannahohsavannah]

Let me know if he tries to get you to play dead during sex, or has you take a cold bath beforehand.

[juicey]

Snoopy wrote:

"I was physically abused by my brother up until I was about 20."

 

So, by your logic when you turned 18 it wasn't physical abuse anymore since you were a grown up and could get out of the situation.

 

I feel for you Snoopy. However, I feel you are doing a great disservice to the OP who asked for advice here and any other woman in the same situation possibly reading this thread.

 

Education is key. Because you feel one way doesn't make all the studies, evidence and legal laws that point to the contrary untrue.

[HajiMaji]

Or maybe he likes that because there is no pressure? He doesn't have to worry about trying to make me feel good, he can just focus on himself and his desires?

 

I like that you brought this up as a possibility. It is easy to be offended and hurt by this, but if his problem is just that he has too much pressure, then he isnt a bad person.

 

I would maybe try talking to him about it, and maybe talking to a therapist about it too. Not that I think you guys are in a bad situation, its just that having good sex is something you two deserve to have.

[agent1607307371]

I like that you brought this up as a possibility. It is easy to be offended and hurt by this, but if his problem is just that he has too much pressure, then he isnt a bad person.

 

I would maybe try talking to him about it, and maybe talking to a therapist about it too. Not that I think you guys are in a bad situation, its just that having good sex is something you two deserve to have.

 

He's pressured, so he's waiting until she's out cold to have sex in her. (Sorry, but it is definitely not with her)

 

You can't justify that. It's wrong on every level.

[Lucy__lou]

The fact that you've communicated the fact that you're not ok with him having sex with you when you're out is all you need to prove that he's not respecting you. The fact that he dismisses your request that he not do it again, makes it very worrying, and the fact that it angers him is seriously disturbing. Any man who disputes your right to say "don't have sex with me when I'm drunk and passed out" is a man to get the hell away from now!

 

Reading your posts I was thinking "let's hope she isn't dependent on him in any way" and then the bad news came that you live with him, and are isolated in a foreign country far from your support networks, and don't have money to get away easily. But you do have people back in the US who will bail you out, so if you can't get on your own two feet in the country you're in now, then it's time to get out. He sounds like an abuser. Not to be mistaken by harmless fetishists. I personally find the corpse fetish a bit creepy, but at the end of the day, if it's consensual it's fine. But you're not ok with it and he know is, and he doesn't respect you enough to not do it.

 

I've heard that abusive types seek out women who don't have much independence or support networks so they can control them by making them dependent. I'm sure RayKay can give a more knowledgeable explanation on this.

 

Get away from him. Don't waste your energy trying to argue with him. Make your plans quietly, and once you're all packed, have the cash you need, and a safe place to stay, then say adios. If he succeeds in talking you into giving him a second chance, that will only reinforce his controlling tendencies, where he thinks he can argue his way out of anything. (I can't believe he argued with you when you told him not to have sex with you while you were passed out!)

 

How soon could you pack up and leave?

[HajiMaji]

He's pressured, so he's waiting until she's out cold to have sex in her. (Sorry, but it is definitely not with her)

 

You can't justify that. It's wrong on every level.

 

Just to be clear I am not trying to justify it. I just appreciate that she is trying to understand his position on the issue. I understand this would be a deal breaker for most people here, but I think it is great she is trying to further understand the situation before making a judgement.

 

People have sex problems. Sometimes thats ok, and sometimes the problems are so bad you have to run from the relationship. In this particular case, if she wants to try to work it out, I think thats ok. If he is having sex with her passed out body in response to the anxiety he feels when they have regular sex, that is much better than having sex with her passed out body because he has a need for power and domination.

 

Unhealthy responses to anxiety occur in many forms, so if thats all this is I believe it could be worked through if thats what she wants. Thats all I was trying to say.

[Lucy__lou]

I've had guys wait until I was plastered before they made a move on me. It happened twice in my younger years. Both were guys I liked and would have slept with given any encouragement, but neither showed interest while I was sober. One guy shouted me shots on the way home, even though I was already quite drunk. The other followed me outside a party to help me throw up. This is a guy who'd been previously a little on the aloof side. It could be insecurity, fear of rejection, or about not having to interact with a fully conscious thinking human being. But I think the behavior of wanting to get women drunk is a problem which is present in our societies. But this is a guy you're supposed to be able to trust. And he seems to think he has the right to get on top of you and have sex with you when you're out of it even after you've told him it's not cool with you. What kind of person does that? You don't need to be with a man who ignores your wishes like that. That's just not civilised behavior.

[SapphireNoir10]

Get out please. He sounds dangerous. The fact he gets angry when you mention it and knows your unhappy with what he does shows he has NO concern for how your feeling.

 

Leave before he does something more serious.

[Enigmatika]

I am back from the trip and we are living together again. What makes the situation a bit more complicated is that we live on a small island in a european country, of which I am not a citizen, so i am dependent on him. it's difficult.

Understand...

1. Contact a Women's Shelter if there is one.

2. Call your folks....the usual $$$ talk and some of your fear.

3. Stash money away. [ Heck....stash His money away if you have to!]

4. Busta move to the women's shelter.

5. Get your ticket home.

 

I don't believe that you signed up in this relationship to be his Necrophilia Fix.

 

This bozo is one sick twisted unit.

He's not beating you....but what he is doing 1000X worse...you're just not "aware" of it yet...

Do your FUTURE self a favor....and FLY like a bat out of hell.

 

Trust me...I know how hard your situation is....there is ALWAYS a way out.

Current position:

1. You're ISOLATED.

2. He Disrespects your request!!! { How twisted is that?}

3. He gets ANGRY at you because you ask Not to be Raped???!!!!

[ this is NOT a man...this is a Freak...he's getting his Freakish Fix with you]

4. Seemingly dependent on him. { This is because you are living with him, visa/ residency based on him,short on $$$, no network to lean on} Quite the spot you're in..? Am I wrong?

 

If being married to a necrophiliac is the answer for you...by all means stay...if not....there is a way out.

[justkeepon]

Is that rape?

 

Well, technically it is rape if he has UNWANTED sex with you. After waking up knowing that he had sex with you, it is only considered rape if you think it is not okay that he f**ked you while you were knocked out.

[Gracelove]

Ya, this is disturbing.

 

My ex knew I'd been raped. And at one point I had difficulty being intimate. I asked him would he would do when we were married, and I didn't feel like being intimate. He told me he would wait until I was asleep and take it anyway.

 

That's what your story reminds me of. I loved this man and I was going to marry him anyway, thank goodness it didn't work out.

 

If you marry this man, I think that's what you're going to have to look forward to. You aren't going to belong to yourself.

 

Sure, I bet he's wonderful in many ways, but still, is that what you want? Do you want to know that he'll take what he wants from you whether you want him to or not?

 

I know how it is when you're in love with someone, but I think you'll get tired of it.

 

And I can understand some of the conflict on the board.

 

When you're in a relationship with someone, you overlook a lot of things. He has sex with you when you're asleep, but you love him and want to marry him. So it may be something you are willing to look over.

 

But I don't think this is something you should take a chance on. I think you'll grow to dislike it.

 

I just think you should leave him alone, break it off if you can. Because he doesn't respect you like he should. When you marry he'll treat you like his property, like he owns you, he'll make all of the rules. Then he'll grow to resent you, because you don't have a backbone. That's the way it goes.

[savannahohsavannah]

There is a type of sexual perversion where the man can only have sex with dead people. Or people who are playing dead, so yeah, it sounds kind of freaky to me. I don't know the laws where you are, but in the US the case you describe might not be very prosecutable. I say that because you have let this scenario, drinking yourself into oblivioun and then having him have sex with you, without taking a step to get him to stop it. That could sound to some like implied consent to the acts that were performed on you. Add to the scene the fact you already have a consensual sexual relationship with this man and boomb! There goes a case out the window, most likely, anyways.

 

Let me ask you: why are you here asking this? You are in a desperate situation with your living arrangements, but it sounds like you are trading sex for a place to sleep! Are you sure you want to do that? Have you been honest with yourself at all? And have you been complying with the laws in your new land? Are you an illegal alien? These are all tough questions but I think you should answer them and then find a way to be honest with your life.

 

I think your problem here is not the sex it's having a place to live, and how many compromises you will make to stay in another country. The steps you've taken with this guy aren't smart to me. It's for you to take care of yourself, no one else. I think you should walk away now while you still have a modicum of self respect even if it means staying with family members in another nation.

 

Savannah

[headunderwater]

Anita? Is she still around? I just read this thread and wanted to know if she got out or needs help or direction.

 

The dictionary definition of rape is

 

Rape: Sexual intercourse with a woman by a man without her consent and chiefly by force or deception.

 

Statutory rape: Sexual intercourse with a female who is below the statutory age of consent.

 

Consent: Compliance in or approval of what is done or proposed by another.

 

but even if you don't want to call it rape, it is called SEXUAL ABUSE. YOU ARE BEING SEXUALLY ABUSED.

 

I have been married for 10 yrs and my husband used to touch me when I was asleep, sexual abuse. I can't say No to sex because of the fear of a huge argument, with the risk of him hitting me or trying to take one of more of my children. By the definitions my state has for rape, that is rape. I'm having sex that I don't want to because he is threatening me. Even if he isn't doing it at that very moment. Might sound severe to some but its true. Rape isn't always someone beating u up and f##king u.

 

I wasn't even going to respond to this but am curious as to how the OP is. If it was as easy as just leaving there wouldn't be so many abused and battered women and men out there and everyone would be safe and happy.