fiancee, rape? and his performance

[flower99]

Anita, how do you feel about this? do you enjoy it- is that why you get yourself drunk? or do you feel it's the only way you will get sex or feel love is if you do?

are you uncomfortable with it this?

 

do you really want to marry into this?

[Mlost]

and yes you can rape your own fiance. I never said you couldn't. I said if she says no at any time or you aren't aware of it, it is rape. But she is aware...so it's not rape.

 

We're digressing from what the OP was asking about. I'll agree to disagree with you and leave it at that.

 

To anita: I think your fiancee is a very twisted person, regardless of whether you feel it is rape or not. This is not normal behavior and you need to do what's best for you before something truly bad happens to you.

[agent1607307371]

To anita: I think your fiancee is a very twisted person, regardless of whether you feel it is rape or not. This is not normal behavior and you need to do what's best for you before something truly bad happens to you.

 

I fully agree with this statement.

 

Seriously, you have to take steps to protect yourself here. Things like this can escalate into really bad places.

[flower99]

If she does not consent, it's rape. That's the LAW.

 

 

the legal definition of rape varies for each state, but the general one is "forced and/or involuntary sexual intercourse to a woman by a man."

she voluntarly gets drunk knowing what he's does & is going to do. So I think it's questionable - grey area, i think courts could only determine whether it is or isn't or depending on what state she lives & the legal definition there. But regardless it's wrong & unhealthy & incredibly scarey.

 

 

I Fully agree with Agents (above) & what Mclost said!!...

[RayKay]

The law here at least is you need to actively consent. This does not necessarily mean saying "yes" if you are in a long term sexual relationship of course. But, plenty of people whom don't say "no" are raped exactly because they are intoxicated or drugged - you may be awake, but not really "aware" or able to say "no". It is not always about "force" either.

 

Regardless of the law where you are or your own definitions of what would be rape, there is something very very strange about a man whom will only really take an active interest in you when he thinks you are passed out. I read up on the other threads to you have posted about this guy - all I can say is no way in hell would I be with a man like this. Something is very, very off.

[anita sandwich]

thanks for all of your perspectives. I know what he is doing is wrong and I always feel dirty and just bad after I realize that he did it again. I try to tell him that he can't keep doing it and I tell him that it's rape. But he responds by saying that: I "never said no" so it's not rape. But I'm never with-it enough to even fully understand what is going on, so I don't even have that ability! I tell him that, but he doesn’t accept it. He will deny that it’s rape until he’s blue in the face.

During that recent instance I mentioned though, I came to, so to speak, when he was doing it. That was very confusing and scary. And I may have been coherent enough to do something about it, but I didn't. I don't know why. You have to understand that it's confusing when it's happening. It feels good, but it's bad, you don't want it, but you also sort of do. So I don't know.

 

Yeah, about 4 months of our 1-year-long relationship was long distance and there is a lot that is wrong with the relationship. There are a lot of things that I don't like about him, but I feel like he has 2 personalities...In addition to all of the negative things, there are a lot of positives. He is really wonderful sometimes. He bends over backwards for me. If he senses I'm cold, he will put his jacket on me, he opens doors for me. He says all those wonderful things that women want to hear and is constantly confessing his love to me. We have a lot in common. I really love him sometimes...but then there are those other times I hate him.

 

I know I shouldn’t marry him and I should probably get out of the relationship, but I feel like I can’t. I always justify the negative things he does or make excuses for him to myself. It’s hard to leave someone who seems to love you so much (sometimes).

[juicey]

Snoopy, this is what the OP said. "And so when I get drunk, I eventually pass out. And then once I'm passed out, he f**** me."

 

She did not give him consent to have sex with her, she woke up in the middle of it. That is RAPE. Consent must be given for consensual intercourse.

 

It doesn't matter if they have had sex before, they are engaged, she was drunk or that it has happened before. It is rape. It doesn't matter that she hasn't told him to stop having sex with her after she is passed out or doesn't fight him off of her once she wakes up. It is still rape. She did not give consent, and by waking up in the middle of it does not make it somehow alright. What if there are times that the OP has not woken up and he has had sex with her? Is it still not rape then? Has it crossed your mind that she is probably completely scared out of her mind? I cannot believe you are pretending to know what a raped woman should do or not do.

 

She is very likely a confused and scared young woman. I think it is completely irresponsible to blame her for being raped. She came here for some help and insight.

 

Women have fought long and hard to have personal freedoms. This OP should be allowed to drink if she wants to and shouldn't have to have the fear of being raped. If she does decide to drink, it is not her fault that her fiance decides to rape her.

 

He has a problem, not the OP.

[RayKay]

If you have told him that it is NOT acceptable that he does that while you are passed out/half passed out then the fact he continues to do it IS rape. The very fact he dismisses your concerns is alarming, and he is showing clear signs of the start of emotional and even physical abuse, manipulation and control. This is YOUR body - not his - and this is not conducive to a healthy sexual relationship together or to respect towards you.

 

Honey, staying with a man this manipulative, selfish....and yes..."off in the head" is a bad, bad idea. Things are not going to get better with marriage or the longer you stay.

[agent1607307371]

It’s hard to leave someone who seems to love you so much (sometimes).

 

Seeming to love someone, isn't loving someone. And if they only seem to love you sometimes, is that really worth it?

[flower99]

I know I shouldn’t marry him and I should probably get out of the relationship, but I feel like I can’t. I always justify the negative things he does or make excuses for him to myself. It’s hard to leave someone who seems to love you so much (sometimes).

 

You know you should marry him & you should get out of the relaitonship. that says it all.

You CAN get out of this! don't allow yourself to justify it. Because when reality hits you know none of this is right & every single posts here is reassurance that it's the right thing to leave & this is unhealthy & not good for you, it really puts things into perspective.

 

Please see that you can have a man with only 1 personality & that he be a good, loving, respectful caring man who cherishes you & values you. And would make love to you when you are conscious so both of you can feel good....like seriously anita, there is no justifying this behavior stop making excuses & get out. Treat yourself good & Allow yourself to have more than this. stop settleing for this. You deserve so much more.

he doesn't even care that you don't like him doing this to you & you've requested him not to....wow what more do you need?? you deserve to be respected & listened to, especially by the person you love & should be loving you back.

 

You have more strength within you than you know, you've just got to trigger it by decieding you want more than this, and go get it (cause you will NOT find it with him).

[Mlost]

Great post juicey. Anita has the full right to do what she wants without fear. I can't imagine being in a situation where my personal choices and actions carried the possibility of being used like that.

 

Anita, I am so sorry that you are in this. IMO, this sounds like a textbook abusive relationship where you are justifying his horrible actions by explaining his good qualities. But giving you his jacket doesn't even begin to tip the scales for everything else. Opening the door for a woman is common courtesy and shouldn't even enter into your mind as a good quality about him.

[itsallgrand]

I am so sorry this is happening to you.

 

That, it is rape. Loud and clear.

 

That it scares you and you aren't sure how to go about doing what you need to do - oh my goodness, I so wish I could give you a hug. What you have said has pretty much summed up the feelings of most people who have experienced sexual abuse.

 

You told him to stop - and he tramped all over that, and did it anyways. It's a horrible feeling.

 

You aren't to blame for this, and it is only human to feel frightened - it's a scary situation!

 

You already know what needs to happen - you need to get away from this man. You need to protect yourself.

 

On a positive note, the fact that he is a distance away from you works to your favor.

 

Have you told anyone close to you in your life about this at all? Is this the first time you've talked about this aspect of him?

[anita sandwich]

If you have told him that it is NOT acceptable that he does that while you are passed out/half passed out then the fact he continues to do it IS rape. The very fact he dismisses your concerns is alarming, and he is showing clear signs of the start of emotional and even physical abuse, manipulation and control.

 

yeah, that is an understatement. Not only does he just dismiss the concerns, but he gets very angry that I even say anything.

[agent1607307371]

yeah, that is an understatement. Not only does he just dismiss the concerns, but he gets very angry that I even say anything.

 

Do you live with him?

 

Because I think you should definitely get a safe space of your own.

[Mlost]

yeah, that is an understatement. Not only does he just dismiss the concerns, but he gets very angry that I even say anything.

 

OMG. Get out of there, please.

[Snoopy24]

Snoopy, this is what the OP said. "And so when I get drunk, I eventually pass out. And then once I'm passed out, he f**** me."

 

I am not saying what he does is right. I am no way sticking up for him. BUT she IS conscious. If she is aware of what he is doing and doesn't stop him it is NOT rape.

 

She said: "I came to, so to speak, when he was doing it. That was very confusing and scary. And I may have been coherent enough to do something about it, but I didn't. I don't know why. You have to understand that it's confusing when it's happening. It feels good, but it's bad, you don't want it, but you also sort of do. So I don't know."

 

She said she kind of enjoys it in a way and she could have said no, but didn't.

 

She did not give him consent to have sex with her, she woke up in the middle of it. That is RAPE. Consent must be given for consensual intercourse.

 

It doesn't matter if they have had sex before, they are engaged, she was drunk or that it has happened before. It is rape. It doesn't matter that she hasn't told him to stop having sex with her after she is passed out or doesn't fight him off of her once she wakes up. It is still rape. She did not give consent, and by waking up in the middle of it does not make it somehow alright. What if there are times that the OP has not woken up and he has had sex with her? Is it still not rape then? Has it crossed your mind that she is probably completely scared out of her mind? I cannot believe you are pretending to know what a raped woman should do or not do.

 

And if she is scared out of her mind, why on earth is she marrying him. I am sorry but if I "felt" I was raped by anyone I would never have contact with that person ever again. So if she does "feels" she is being raped why does she still drink on her own to get that intoxicated and and let him do it?

 

She is very likely a confused and scared young woman. I think it is completely irresponsible to blame her for being raped. She came here for some help and insight.

 

I ma giving her my opinion. You may disagree, but I feel it is NOT rape. and my advise to her is if she herself feels differently, she shouldn't be with him, let alone keep getting really drunk with him. So yes I do blame her. She is the one letting it keep happening

 

Women have fought long and hard to have personal freedoms. This OP should be allowed to drink if she wants to and shouldn't have to have the fear of being raped. If she does decide to drink, it is not her fault that her fiance decides to rape her.

Drinking and getting to the point of passing out are two completely different things. It is her choice to be with him. It would be a different story if it happened once, and she left him but it has happened a few times according to the OP and she never told him to stop and continues to be with him

 

He has a problem, not the OP.

 

Yes I agree, he has a problem. It is very creepy what he is doing, but she is still with him. That is her choice.

[agent1607307371]

Fear = control.

 

That is how all abusive relationships work.

[anita sandwich]

thank you for your concern. you are wonderful people. yeah, this is the first time, i've brought it up to anyone.

and actually, we don't have a long distance relationship. We were only apart for 4 months. I am back from the trip and we are living together again. What makes the situation a bit more complicated is that we live on a small island in a european country, of which I am not a citizen, so i am dependent on him. it's difficult.

[Mlost]

Yes I agree, he has a problem. It is very creepy what he is doing, but she is still with him. That is her choice.

 

It's clear that you've never known anyone or heard of anyone in an abusive relationship. "Choice" gets muddled when you are emotionally involved with someone. Women will stay with men who smack them around for years before they work up the courage to leave. Do they "choose" to stay? Technically, they choose to stay. But in reality they are scared ****less about leaving and possibly think that if they stay, they can help change the person.

[agent1607307371]

thank you for your concern. you are wonderful people. yeah, this is the first time, i've brought it up to anyone.

and actually, we don't have a long distance relationship. We were only apart for 4 months. I am back from the trip and we are living together again. What makes the situation a bit more complicated is that we live on a small island in a european country, of which I am not a citizen, so i am dependent on him. it's difficult.

 

Do you have any money or resources of your own?

 

Are you still in contact with family/friends in your own country?

[anita sandwich]

yeah, i have friends and family in the states and i think someone would bail me out if it was absolutely necessary...if i can't get the money together to leave.

[Snoopy24]

It's clear that you've never known anyone or heard of anyone in an abusive relationship. "Choice" gets muddled when you are emotionally involved with someone. Women will stay with men who smack them around for years before they work up the courage to leave. Do they "choose" to stay? Technically, they choose to stay. But in reality they are scared ****less about leaving and possibly think that if they stay, they can help change the person.

 

I was in an abusive relationship for a day. I was with him for 9 months. He smacked me and I left. I loved him very much before he hit me. So don't tell me people get stuck in it, and want to change the person. I can honestly say I don't think he would have hit me again. But I lost respect for him after that and never wanted to take that chance.

[agent1607307371]

You are lucky.

 

But you are not other people, and one day does not compare to other who are sucked in then stuck.

[itsallgrand]

yeah, i have friends and family in the states and i think someone would bail me out if it was absolutely necessary...if i can't get the money together to leave.

 

Are you working at all, savings that he doesn't have a hand in or know about?

 

I think ...honestly Anita...it's time to start planning a move.

 

Some more phone calls home to get everyone who loves you, and who you know would be there for you, would be good.

 

It sounds like he is getting a grip on you - and the isolation of your situation by being without your usual support system near by makes it all the much easier for him to do that.

[Mlost]

So don't tell me people get stuck in it, and want to change the person.

 

Unfortunately, I don't need to tell you anything. There are enough women (and men) on this forum who would be able to explain this concept very well. They are hurting and their lives are being destroyed every single day, and I feel you belittle their suffering by making it out to be as easy as choosing what movie to watch on a Friday night.