Should I trust HER attorney to handle everything??

[RayKay]

Yes, allie is right. If she has a substantially higher income and it is a sufferance on you to pay fees, you can ask her to pay them or get a court order that she does (within reason of course....and related to the actual divorce).

 

Family lawyers here are in a huge shortage. It can be very hard to get one here so I am not surprised it took a while to get one, I suspect it is not just about her family business but also just time demands.

 

It will be worth the cost, it should not be that much for him to go over the document if her lawyer has already drafted it...it will only become more costly if she is evidently being unreasonable and you do have to go to court or argue about the settlement some more. But again, in that case you can request or apply for an order she pay for your fees partially or in full.

[surfjon]

We have our first joint meeting with our attorneys March 13. She hasn't filed and her counsel told mine they want to avoid filing in the courts and do everything thru mediation.

 

Unfortunately, her mother shows up as the sole business owner and my wife as an employee but for 3 years she has been telling me "In a few years we'll sell the business for millions and share the profits". She takes a tiny salary and gets tons of perks, her little sports car paid for, health insurance and now her nice new townhouse she lives in and her power bill. And the new furniture that she filled her house with..........

 

I sacrificed and worked 60 and 65 hour weeks for years to make ends barely meet and she'll wind up very well off when they sell they firm. I'll still be paying off my Chapter 13 obligations and she'll be doing great. I never thought this would happen.

 

She never paid one nickle towards our mortgages or power bills

[CallingAllAngels]

Hey...

 

THAT'S OKAY MAN...

 

CHILL...

 

You're attorney will NOT let her get away with this!!

 

HE will have YOUR best interest at heart.

 

I don't care if she think's she OWNS the state. The LAW is the LAW. It DOES matter that you paid her way to help her become what she is today.

 

Stop listening to your ex and her mother.

 

Start listening to the little voice inside you that says "this is gonna be ok...I have a lawyer...I'm not gonna file chapter 13...I'm gonna come out of this okay. I will be BETTER off with out her. I WILL NOT BANKRUPT MYSELF OVER THIS WOMAN!!"

 

Change the internal self talk man...March 13th is 10 days off...hold on 10 days...10 days....you can do it.

 

I know you can...

 

I've done a whole year. You can do 10 days.

 

Keep posting.

 

You can do it...

 

Keep The Faith

 

~Allie

[Ash]

*sigh* I used to think that way. Unfortunately, the law generally works best against those who tend to live their lives abiding by it. Those who ignore things and lie tend to get away with some of it some of the time. It's just the way it is.

 

For example, I found out first case that it actually goes against you to pay for things all the time as that sets up a set of expectations which you're supposed to maintain, fair or unfair.

[CallingAllAngels]

*sigh* I used to think that way. Unfortunately, the law generally works best against those who tend to live their lives abiding by it. Those who ignore things and lie tend to get away with some of it some of the time. It's just the way it is.

 

For example, I found out first case that it actually goes against you to pay for things all the time as that sets up a set of expectations which you're supposed to maintain, fair or unfair.

 

Seriously Ash?

 

I think his lawyer should be able to help him avoid bankrupcy, given the fact that he paid her way, don't you?

 

I'm no lawyer, but my friend paid for his wife to get her degree, and believe me, he ended up MUCH better off than she did in their divorce, even though she didn't think he would get a thing.

 

Of course, we are just speculating here...

[RayKay]

Hmm....I actually disagree with that idea that if you paid for things it is going to work against you. I don't know the ins and outs of the law where you are, but generally they find an unjust enrichment (on her part) from that financial help & find some sort of remedy.

 

I know plenty of people whom for example paid all the bills/rent/mortgage or took on the debts and thereforeeee ended up getting treated far more fairly in the divorce....

 

Don't listen to what your ex and her lawyer says....of course they are going to want to pressure you into a lot of things that are better for them. This is why you got your OWN lawyer.

[thejigsup]

My ex was a family law attorney and I worked with him for years. Here's the deal where we live: and if her name is nowhere to be found as an owner of this business, you're out of luck. Doesn't matter if she lives in a palace, parents are allowed to spoil their chldren. No penalty for the wife or mother. They saw you coming. If she drew a small salary, no luck with her paying legal fees, won't happen. We had a case like this and wifey had an affair. She ended up with the house, the kid, and got him fired from the job he did have. When it came to finances and legal fees, the judge (who didn't like him because he saw him as a whiner) told him to man up and get a better job. Men don't come out of it very well in a divorce when a woman knows how to play it.

[surfjon]

Thanks for the advice all, I feel so at the end in all of this.

 

I make ok money, but my parents don't have lots of money and I'm so far in debt.

 

She will also inherit a huge sum of money when her elderly grandparents pass away, she will live a good life financially and I may not but I doubt she'll ever find the alleged "happiness" she left me to find and I hope when all this is over I'll have healed from the loss and be able to be happy on my own, even eating PB&J sandwhiches

 

At least one day, I'll sell the land in NC that I'll be left with and make a little money and be able to help my kids with college.

 

I live day-to-day and have a few things like my motorcycle, guitars, etc. I can sell to pay some legal fees and a friend who'll lend me a guitar I can still gig with. I drive a company truck so that helps.

 

With a part-time job and a bit of luck It'll be ok.

 

At least my attorney is letting me pay him in bits and pieces instead of having to come up with a large retainer all at once.

 

I can't wait till this is over, but it's never really over is it??

[Ash]

Hmm....I actually disagree with that idea that if you paid for things it is going to work against you. I don't know the ins and outs of the law where you are, but generally they find an unjust enrichment (on her part) from that financial help & find some sort of remedy.

 

It was certainly a bit of a shock for me to find this out, but in essense that is part of the way it works. This isn't just heresay BTW, I was in a legal battle for a couple of years over some of these same issues.

 

There are a number of things that seem to work for one party's benefit. For example the custody arrangement. If one parent has the kids anywhere from 100% to 60% of the time, the child support values do not change. That means the other parent can have the kids up to 40% of the time and support does not change. Having a child 40% of the time versus 0% of the time is a large fundamental change in circumstances, the most obvious being that having a child 40% of the time means you need to provide a bed, furniture etc. There is thereforeeee obviously quite a difference in never having the kids versus having them nearly half the time.

 

On the other hand, if my salary goes up by a percent or two, or the other parent's goes down, an adjustment is made to the amounts.

 

One thing my lawyer did was tell me in no uncertain terms before the actual agreement was signed was definitely pay the child support as outlined in the guidelines but do not pay ANY spousal support until there is a signed agreement as paying without an agreement in place sets a precedent that can be difficult to undo. Also, not sure if you're aware of it or not, but Rev Can does NOT allow any claims for spousal support unless there is a signed agreement in place. In other words, if one parent pays another $10,000 one year before the agreement is signed, the paying parent does not get to clain it as a deduction, and the recieving parent does not have to claim it as income. Once the agreement is signed, that changes of course. (In general, Family Law and Tax Laws do not align.)

 

In short, going to lawyer is a great idea. But make sure you consult with your lawyer carefully on what to pay/ask for so that bad precedents are not inadvertently set.

[CallingAllAngels]

I am still hoping that you will end up better off than you think......

[RayKay]

Oh I know, and spousal payments are only deductible if they are periodic too (not lump sum payments).

 

It all depends on the law where you are of course (guidelines vary from province to province....though we use the federal child support tables here in my province still our guidelines are different). As I said, I am not sure of the law where he is but taking on things like the marriage debt all factor in here to how much child support he would pay because things like undue hardship factor in (if you are taking on the debts, or your standard of living would become lower than their standard of living as a result of it, there are loopholes).

 

 

The idea of child support of course is that the children should not suffer a disbenefit due to marriage breakdown and they should be allowed to "live" as if they were still with both parents as to how parents would of paid if they stayed together. The custodial parent is still paying for that child too, even if not paying the money to the other parent. Spousal support has the same idea, but there is more of a factoring of getting on your own feet (though in some cases due to a say 30 year marriage where one stayed home with kids, it is harder to to get into workforce so there is less of a push for that).

 

Child support is also a priority over spousal....if your income is such you cannot afford spousal or it would be unfair based on the relationship you won't be required to pay it (or would pay minimal). If they are the higher income spouse, they will be paying you of course.

 

We have the same 40% rule here too, but it also varies on how the courts determine the time.....counting days vs. hours can lead to very different results! Also, in Manitoba the minimum threshold of where no support is payable (below $8,000)

also factors into special expenses (unlike DA) and is subtracted from the incomes in determining proportions in sharing those expenses. So for example if were sending the kid to hockey camp and it cost $1,000 and mum makes $8,000 and dad makes $16,000 (just of course for sake of argument!)....under DA mum would pay 1/3 and dad would pay 2/3 but under our FMA mum pays none and dad pays 100%.

 

I certainly believe in fairness, but I don't have much sympathy for those whom try to get out of child support obligations whether they are the mom or dad (since many moms are now the ones paying CS too. For the record....my own father was a bit of a deadbeat with this and he had it very, very easy in terms of child support...something like $100/month (this was all before the guidelines) which he would sometimes accuse my mum of spending on vacations and cars...sheesh. My mum worked her ass off to take care of us three kids (he left when she was 7 months pregnant with the third for his mistress) by going back to school and working hard. $100 does not even feed a kid for a month! He complained a lot but would never take it back to court as he knew he got off easy....my mum also released him from the obligation far before he ever had to stop.

 

I feel differently on spousal support....I think quite frankly some of the time it IS an unfair burden. Not in all cases, but in many it is extremely disproportionate and no incentive at all for the ex to get off their butt....

 

There are lots and lots of factors involved, which is why it is important he has a lawyer and finds out how the law works where HE is.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

This may not be of immediate worth to you, but if she does cash in on the business after the divorce, you can always return to court and have child support readjusted so you pay less, since her income/assets have now increased.

 

I do know a case where the wife was trying to cry poor when she got ill and couldn't work for a while, and went to court to get more money from the ex-husband for child support, but when the court investigated her assets and discovered she had a HUGE amount of money saved up and set aside, he in fact REDUCED the amount the husband had to pay since the wife now had greater assets than the husband did.

 

So the business may not benefit you now, but may if she ever becomes part owner in the future.

 

The judge does try to establish fairness, but if your wife was not part owner of the business, it is not a marital asset. But if the judge thinks she has substantial assets (or potential access to them), he is far less likely to award her spousal support.

[Ash]

I completely agree. Any lawyer will (should!!) tell a client to pay child support based on their salary, no questions, no changes. I also have the issue with spousal support though. In my case, she has a job, three degrees yet remains in essense intentionally unemployed. Regardless of the fact I pay my child support, if she is bringing in less money into the house than she is capable of, then in my mind she is failing to provide proper support.

 

I wouldn't want anybody to think for a minute I was suggesting child support should not be paid in full.

 

I wanted a 50/50 split with the kids, but for some reason my ex would not go for it and my lawyer told me it wasn't worth the fight. The reason I suspect she would not go 50/50 is that it changes the calculations vastly. The way it is now, I pay full support, yet still provide a household that the kids also call home. In essense, I pay twice for a lot of stuff. I'm in a three bedroom with 6 of us normally, 9 when the kids visit. My ex on the other hand lives in a 6 bedroom house with 4 people. Although she has twice as much house as she needs or frankly, is able to maintain, she's allowed to keep it and not really have to earn much of a salary to do so. No issue with the kids in a decent house, just against the fact my ex in essense gets a free ride.

 

Sorry ... I'm a tad bitter about it.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

I remember when I got divorced in 03. I'm a secretary. My ex was a groundskeeper who had a degree in HVAC (= good money) yet refused to get a better job. Ok, no problem. Marriage broke down, filed and moved out, and he filed for spousal support from me, the secretary. Whatever dude. He didn't get it, I could not frickin believe it lol. That he filed, that is.

[surfjon]

I live in Florida and do have an attorney now. I am delivering him my financial disclosure info. tomorrow and then he and I meet this coming Monday to discuss what he has discussed with her attorney. They have worked together before and seem to have a fairly good working relationship.

 

My wife and I and our attorneys will meet next Thursday, March 13 for the first time. I haven't even seen her face in a couple months.

 

My attorney feels that based on what they've discussed, it may be settled that same day, or at least after a second meeting. Neither one of us wants to injure the other but we do need fairness. I'm having to file chapter 13 anyway, so I don't know how that will factor in, I don't even make ends meet now so I dont know what will happen.

 

I have been giving her $250 per week since she left nearly 8 months ago, been transferring it to her from our equity line as I can't do it any other way. I hadn't thought of it even setting a precedent, but she told me when she left it was just temporary, some time to be apart and sort things out.

 

It simply became lessons in me learning how to live alone again, she never tried anything, she wouldn't go to counseling, but in the beginning I believed we'd get back together and I wanted my kids to be well cared for, so I sent the money. I have no idea if the $1000 a month is low, high or fair. I guess the attorneys come up with that number based on incomes.

 

I only have the kids every other weekend Fri/Sat/Sun nights as she moved about 30 minutes away and the kids have staggered school times, they get out hours differently in the afternoons and also start hours differently in mornings and my job doesn't permit me to have such varied times I'm here, also they go to schools within walking distance to where she lives so it makes more sense for them to be with her during the weeks for school. I hate only having them 6 nights a month, but I can't figure another way until my house sells and I can move a bit closer to them. I really need a roomate but would need to use one of my kids rooms. It's a 3 BR house so there is still another room to share on the weekends they are there.

 

They both crash in my room anyway!! I sure don't mind, I sure miss them and love it when they're there.

 

A roommate would let me make ends meet at least but I guess I'd have to make my attorney aware I'm seeking one.

 

Thanks for all the help folks, the initial being "dumped" sure hurt and this new facet of the whole split up sure doesn't make it easier.

 

Thank you all for taking the time to post. I should have done more research, I know, but I let the depression take me away from reality and protecting myself and learning about the process.

 

I guess I stayed in denial too long, I've accepted it now, so it has to work out somehow, right

 

Thanks again all......