Maya_A Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 I don't know how though...my mom would never let me and I can't just lie to her. ^^^ I just saw that too lol... I'll get it straight here so I don't post a million times on this (I'm rushing to go out is why I seem to be missing info.)... But anyway Bebe, there you go... You are really wise & it's admirable that you have such respect for you mom. Right on in not lying to her. You will never regret that & always be so glad you did not. So knowing that you do not wish to lie to her (& this would be a huuuuge, upsetting one to say the least) then why not, if you must stay in touch, just keep this person as an online chat buddy here & there. Relationships are complicated enough so in meeting someone else local in time you can see "what is what" immediately and continue from there... And no sneaking around of course, which makes all the difference in the world... Even if we forget all about the concerns everyone here have had, outside of those concerns, what is going on now just does not seem viable anyway. It doesn't seem like it has a future or was "meant to be"... Edited to add: I'm not going to try to convince you that you do not love him (which is true by the way - I'm really sorry to say) but just to share Bebe, that sometimes we can feel we love someone & yet still have to let it go... This happens to most of us at least once in our lives... Good is that we can love more than one person in our lives... When we find another we love we are sooooo glad it worked out that way... Link to comment
lila... Posted April 2, 2008 Author Share Posted April 2, 2008 . Even if we forget all about the concerns everyone here have had, outside of those concerns, what is going on now just does not seem viable anyway. It doesn't seem like it has a future or was "meant to be"... That would really hurt. I don't know. Maybe I should end it as soon as possible because I'll just fall deeper in love and if everything turned out bad, I'd be really hurt. Did I mention some time back I did try ending it? Twice actually. Once it was because I told him I saw no future in this. I was too young and I wanted to live my life and not have an online relationship with somebody I would never meet. He told me to be patient, that he's working but that as soon as he could he'll come and meet me, or we'll meet somewhere neutral. He said he has been patient because he truly loves me and would wait all the time necessary for me. He even said I could go out with other guys if I wanted...because if I really felt love for him that's the only thing that matters in the end. He's very understanding about me going out with other guys or even liking other guys (not that I do but it happened once) but tells me of course not to do anything that would dishonor him. He says that as long as I love him nothing else matters. That kind of hurt me because I would be very jealous if he went out with some other girl even if he loved me. Link to comment
diamond78 Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 bebe you're back! . Well, what can I do? How can I truly find out if he is lying about everything? I'm really in love with him. Most of the time I'm very happy, he makes me really happy, but sometimes I think he's too good to be true. Easy...you tell him straight up..."Look, I need to know several things before I can feel safe with continuing this situation. I care about you deeply, but I still have questions that have gone unanswered. I would like the following info so that I can feel comfortable about our situation and know for sure that you are legit...." and ask for things like a pic, a stable address that he can confirm, and so forth.... Tell him that if he doesn't supply these things within a certain amount of time then you know you he isn't for real and you can no longer continue the relationship. If he was a man with any integrity and concern for you he would do something so simple as providing you with pictures no matter how he looks! Put your foot down and ask for what you want....If asking for a pic causes this much drama, then how can you have any kind of real relationship with this man when really big issues/problems come up? Link to comment
metrogirl Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 Okay...I'm going to try and put the logic in this for you. He is telling you that you can see other guys, just not sleep with them. He supposedly is waiting for you but has not made any effort to show himself to you. He is sitting behind a computer dictating to you what HE wants and you just go along with everything. When do you get your chance to have a say-so in all of this? Link to comment
Maya_A Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 That would really hurt. I don't know. Maybe I should end it as soon as possible because I'll just fall deeper in love and if everything turned out bad, I'd be really hurt. Did I mention some time back I did try ending it Much more to say on this later Bebe - running out the door for now... Link to comment
jazzykat Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 Honestly, if he was an online predator, would he have waited sooo long to actually meet me?? He's been very patient. There have been many times when there was a risk of losing me and he's always been very calm, cool, and collected. I would think an online predator would be all obsessive and controlling. He is NOT like that. It's called "grooming" -and online predators can spend months/years doing it..! -and don't necessarily believe that you are the only one that is being ''groomed'' in this manner either.. -I havn't yet read the rest of this thread, but couldn't resist chiming in at this post... -if I read the rest, and my post appears off topic/out of context -then I'll delete it.. -But I will say this, the part of the thread (up to this quoted post) that I've read up to... is quite disturbing to say the least! Link to comment
jazzykat Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 Nup, I've just read the rest of the thread -and I stand behind my post above!!! -actually, is this whole thread a windup? -surely this can't be serious? Link to comment
Maya_A Posted April 3, 2008 Share Posted April 3, 2008 That would really hurt. I don't know. Maybe I should end it as soon as possible because I'll just fall deeper in love and if everything turned out bad, I'd be really hurt. Did I mention some time back I did try ending it? Twice actually. Once it was because I told him I saw no future in this. I was too young and I wanted to live my life and not have an online relationship with somebody I would never meet. He told me to be patient, that he's working but that as soon as he could he'll come and meet me, or we'll meet somewhere neutral. He said he has been patient because he truly loves me and would wait all the time necessary for me. He even said I could go out with other guys if I wanted...because if I really felt love for him that's the only thing that matters in the end. He's very understanding about me going out with other guys or even liking other guys (not that I do but it happened once) but tells me of course not to do anything that would dishonor him. He says that as long as I love him nothing else matters. That kind of hurt me because I would be very jealous if he went out with some other girl even if he loved me. ^^^ I think that might be a really good idea. It will save you more hurt for sure as you say, yes. Very wise. I didn't know you tried to end it before. Again, I think your idea of doing it now a final time is a really good one. You don't want to lie to your mom you already know & on the other hand if you told her she (rightfully as your mom) wouldn't let you do it. It really doesn't leave much there to do but the 3rd path of ending it. As I mentioned before, I am not even considering the inconsistencies & little games he seems to be doing... Just on all other things like the distance, hiding it, no real ongoing quality in-person time together... It's just not working out well in other important ways... I think you should end it & then come back to the forum for healing support through it. Maybe just think on that idea for a small bit. When you think of what you might say to end it, consider that it is best not to share with him anything about why. I know that sounds a bit strange but what he will do is turn around whatever reasons you give & try to come up with solutions and promises for them instead of ending it. He will lay the "but I love you so much" & other things that are meant to tug at your heartstrings, on really thick.... If that happens you might "crack" under it & not end it like what happened the last two times... That is why it is best not to go into detail as to why. In fact it might just be easier to say that your mother found out & has forbidden any further contact or she will contact the police for if nothing else, investigative purposes That it is not you but is just what happened... This might deter him from trying to convince you otherwise also. You can be kind & wish him the best & tell him that you care a lot about him but can't communicate with him anymore because of what happened. Then you'd go on non contact with him... It would be hard at first for sure yes, but would get so much easier with time... Then eventually you'd meet someone else where there is no secrecy, where you spend lots of time together, where he gets to meet your family & you his, etc... You will be so much happier in the long run.. You will also avoid getting hurt even more which seems important for you... Just think on it for a little... Link to comment
annie24 Posted April 3, 2008 Share Posted April 3, 2008 wow - more lies from this guy. it just gets fishier.... first off, about his parents 'moving.' that's a bunch of crap. most people who are moving know several months in advance. if you sent him a package today and had it rushed for an extra fee, it could be there in a few days flat, no matter where in the world his parents live. what, will they be moving by next friday or something? it's all just one story after another.... i just ended a relationship with a guy like that too. they are so sweet and charming to you when you are together, but then they say things that just don't make any sense at all..... in my case, my guy WAS hiding a lot of things! and probably a lot more stuff i'll never know about. i know that it hurts, but seriously, red flags are going off here. i know what it's like to like someone but not to have serious questions about the truthfulness of what they are telling you. and when i finally demanded answers, he *poofed* - just disappeared into thin air, never heard from him again! a guy who was honest with me would not have done that. he is 10000% hiding SOMETHING from you. there is no reason by now he couldn't have sent you a photo or bought a webcam. Link to comment
lila... Posted April 3, 2008 Author Share Posted April 3, 2008 Ok so I finally asked him for a picture tonight. I told him, "You know what I would really like to have? ...A picture of you or to see you through webcam." He took a while to answer and said, "Yeah I think a picture yes, not the webcam because I have the usb ports blocked for video programs hahaha (what the?)...they don't want us to play with the laptop. But I can scan a picture. " Oh, because his laptop is the one the company supposedly gives the employees. I don't know but this is the first time it actually hits me that he might be making excuses, after hearing all the things you guys have been telling me. I have so many doubts in my head right now. I told him that the picture would be enough Then he said, "You're right I don't have a picture of you either, to keep in my wallet." He had never asked me for one though. Now I don't even know if I should send him one. I asked him, "So you don't have any pictures right now, right?" He said, "No but as soon as I go to (his homecountry) in a week I'll look for one, where you can see me in action =)." (referring to his job I guess...cause he climbs towers and stuff) Then I changed the subject as I didn't want to make him uncomfortable. I really don't know what to do at this point. One part of me feels everything is great with him, he's such a nice guy...has always been sincere and open with me, and another part of me starts to think that I'm being blind...that he's just laughing at how naive and dumb I am. Link to comment
Whiplash Girl Child Posted April 3, 2008 Share Posted April 3, 2008 I've been followng along with this thread since it all started, and never posted until now. I see how everyone is trying to make Bebe open her eyes and SEE THE LIGHT . . . to see that this man is shady and to end this so-called relationship with him. And I couldn't agree more with what all of you ladies here have been advising Bebe. However, I feel that in order to really get through to Bebe, we need to get her to examine herself. Apparently Bebe has low self-confidence. If she didn't, then why would she swoon over a man who is SO DAMN SHADYYYYYYYYYYY???????? Bebe, you need to work on your self-confidence. You do not value yourself. If you did, you would not be in this position. You wouldn't be so afraid of losing him. Love? Pssssssht. You may think he loves you and that you love him, but it's all false. FALSE. If it were true love, then things wouldn't be so damn difficult. And he wouldn't be behaving so damn shady. Gain some self-confidence, realize your true value/worth, and get out of this little fantasy land that you're living in. I hate to sound so mean and nasty, but really -- you're embarrassing yourself. You're being played for a fool. You have a million people here telling you this. And you don't believe it. You have problems. And I get the feeling that you're much younger than you say you are. You can't get a package sent to your house without mommy and daddy asking about it? HOW old are you REALLY? Sorry, it hurts when all of us on ENA can see the mod edit flying over your head. What stinks is that it's closest to YOU, and you can't even see it yourself. Good luck with this whole mess. Link to comment
lila... Posted April 3, 2008 Author Share Posted April 3, 2008 Yeah I guess I have been stupid huh? I'm gonna end it. Link to comment
lila... Posted April 3, 2008 Author Share Posted April 3, 2008 God do I feel horrible right now. Thank God it's nighttime, I'm just gonna cry myself to sleep, I know I'll feel better in the morning. Link to comment
annie24 Posted April 3, 2008 Share Posted April 3, 2008 yeah, i agree. that is a really excellent point. yes, it really does come down to self-esteem, to know that you DESERVE certain basic things in a relationship - like knowing what the other person looks like, knowing about their personal habits, etc... if you don't think you deserve them, you're not going to ask for them and you're going to be stuck in crap situations like these. bebe - asking for a photo of a guy you are dating and in love with is NOT irrational at all! that's the bare minimum, and you should have had it from day 1. there is no reason for it not to have happened forever ago. hey - i was in your shoes last week, where the guy was being shady, i didn't let him change the subject to make him more comfortable. he was NOT comfortable discussing the subject with me, and honestly, neither was i. i really liked him and wanted to keep dating him, but i don't want to be dating someone who is lying to me either. that's not cool. don't you think you deserve an honest boyfriend who is upfront with you? Link to comment
Maya_A Posted April 3, 2008 Share Posted April 3, 2008 Just keep sharing your feelings through it all... You are SO making the right decision Bebe... Good for you in allowing yourself to see these things... And you aren't "stupid" - you did what we all have at times. We have wanted things to be a certain way so much with someone so we ignored all the signs that it isn't that way and will never be that way. Important is that you now see... You will get through this & come out better on the other side... We do. It's good to let out some of the emotion also... If you need to cry then cry of course... Many tears are often the first stage in healing & moving on... Take care... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted April 3, 2008 Share Posted April 3, 2008 It makes no sense that his excuse about insecurity would have morphed into that webcam excuse. there are several other ways to send a picture - he could have one taken and mail it to you, have one scanned in on a disk, etc. No need to cry - it's great if this helps you stop being in contact with him before you meet and before you get involved with someone potentially harmful to you emotionally if not physically. Looks like you are dodging a bullet. You're not stupid - many people get attached through typing and talking. Link to comment
desert_rose26 Posted April 3, 2008 Share Posted April 3, 2008 I'm happy you are seeing the big picture now. I don't think it's a good idea to chat with people you don't know in person online because they are anonymous and too risky, especially if you are the type that easily trusts in people. I'm hoping you will go through with ending it. You sound like an intelligent person with low self esteem that just lost touch with reality and fell into a deep fantasy of love. After you end it, you are one step closer in the right direction. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 Bebe, I can't tell you how glad I am to see that you are figuring things out for yourself. What he's doing is not normal and not acceptable. Good for you for putting a stop to it before you get hurt any more. Link to comment
lila... Posted April 4, 2008 Author Share Posted April 4, 2008 Thanks to all of you. Some words were pretty harsh and it hurt hearing them, but I guess you guys were right...I was just blinded and I'm too naive and stupid and was not able to see the truth. I haven't talked to him since I asked him for the picture but we're supposed to see each other tonight. I'm going to end it of course, but I have no idea how. The couple of times I tried to end it in the past he would take my excuses and turn them around, for example I would say..."I met somebody else." He'd say, "It's ok...you could go out with guys and even like somebody else as long as you love me. I understand you...I was your age once...and what you're feeling is just an infatuation for that other guy..." Or I would say, "I can't go on with this anymore because I don't see a future in this...we're never going to be together..." But he has a way of talking that would completely convince me, he had so much reason. He always comes up with some solution to whatever reason I will give him. I don't know how to end it without him trying to do this. But I also don't want to end it with him without giving him any excuse. That's cruel. We've made so many plans, I know he's going to be heartbroken, but I can't go on with him anymore. I don't want to make the excuse of my mom finding out about everything and prohibiting me te see him, he might turn around that excuse also. Geez this is so hard.... I want it to end on good terms so that he doesn't contact me again. Link to comment
lila... Posted April 4, 2008 Author Share Posted April 4, 2008 I know. I think I'll tell him I'm back with the guy I used to like and that I don't want to "cheat" on anybody. I'm going to be very firm so that he doesn't try to convince me otherwise. This time I'm going to erase him from my contacts so I don't see him online and have the tentation to talk to him. I'm actually feeling so much better, it's like taking a burden off my shoulders. No more worrying about pictures, webcams, or torturing myself when he doesn't call or send a message, no more of that Link to comment
Excalibur Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 Cyber life is not real life. You've never met this guy from on-line. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 I know. I think I'll tell him I'm back with the guy I used to like and that I don't want to "cheat" on anybody. I'm going to be very firm so that he doesn't try to convince me otherwise. This time I'm going to erase him from my contacts so I don't see him online and have the tentation to talk to him. I'm actually feeling so much better, it's like taking a burden off my shoulders. No more worrying about pictures, webcams, or torturing myself when he doesn't call or send a message, no more of that I don't think you need to lie to him, just tell him you are ending things because you don't trust him and don't want to pursue this, and then cut him from your contact list and block him. End of story, and you maintain your integrity by not stooping to his level by lying. Link to comment
annie24 Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 I don't think you need to lie to him, just tell him you are ending things because you don't trust him and don't want to pursue this, and then cut him from your contact list and block him. End of story, and you maintain your integrity by not stooping to his level by lying. i agree - no need to lie. simply say that you don't trust him, and you can't build a relationship without honesty and trust. it simply isn't here. then block him forever. Link to comment
chocolates Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 I have done some online dating. The only reason he wont show a photo is obviously because he is not who he says he is. Have you spoken on the phone? I havent read all the posts , but most. So you have received a package from him? so he knows your address? You need to tread carefully about ending it. The fact is you really dont know anything REALISTIC about this guy. And you dont know how he will take you ending it. If it was me, I think i would just sort of fade off. I know its hard to fathom, but i really agree with the others when they say this guy could be 80 and married. He is not serious about meetung you. I think he is living an online fantasy to escape his own life, for whatever reason. Whatever, but you need to get out of this. Remember that online is not real. Link to comment
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