Why Keep Going Back?

[browneyedgirl36]

Ok, I have some questions for you about something that's been bugging me since I found out that ex had gone back, yet one more time, to his on-off ex of over a decade. I don't know a ton about his situation, because he has been closed-lipped about a lot of specifics, but my understanding is that she has entered and exited his life multiple times over the last 10 years. The last time left him completely distraught, angry, untrusting, a wreck, basically. Nearly a year afterward, he was still crying over her, still angry, still bitter toward women -- and expressing that bitterness. Of course, this is about the time I met him (or re-met him -- we had met before several years prior, and I think she was out of his life again at that point), and while there was chemsitry between us and he (allegedly) really cared about me, he ended up ending things with me. Well, now,she wants him back, yet again, and he's taken her back, yet again. I know you all don't have any answers about his specific situation, but I have some general questions and would love responses from those who've experienced these things, because I really want to try to understand. So, if you've been the dumper OR the dumpee in one of these lengthy on-off again things, you responses would be most helpful:

 

Why would someone repeatedly take back someone who keeps leaving them, particularly if it's a really acrimonius break-up each time and causes them tremendous pain? Don't they remember how much like crap they felt, if not after the first time, after the fourth or fifth?

 

At what point does one or both of the parties realize that enough is enough, and they end things for good? What, finally, might motivate them to move on and stop trying? (Note: I am NOT asking this because I hold out hope he will come back and want me. I am really just trying to convince myself that I'm not crazy -- that this off-on for years thing makes no sense, and that I'm better off without him.)

 

Why would someone repeatedly dump the same person? If you dumped them once, I can see MAYBE realizing you were wrong and going back ONCE more, but why would someone keep wanting to reconcile over and over again with someone they keep dumping? Obviously, if you dumped them once, something was *wrong* -- not necessarily with them, but with the relationship, at least -- so why try to get them back, especially multiple times?

 

Can people really keep falling in and out of love with the same person? I ask, because my ex claimed a few months back that he had feelings that she did not return -- that he loved her, but she did not love him back -- but now, apparently, she loves him again???? How's that????

 

Can someone really become convinced that there is only *one* person who they can be happy with, ever? If so, what contributes to or causes this feeling? Because it seems as if my ex has decided that this woman is that person. Since her, he has never been able to maintain a relationship for any significant period of time with anyone else (Perhaps because she keeps coming back and deciding she wants him again.) thereforeeee, it's as if he is continually in a state of rebound -- no woman -- most recently, me, ever stood a chance, it seems.

 

Am I obsessing about this? Yes, probably, but it's not because I want or expect him to come crawling back to me. I heard the door slam shut -- hard -- the other day when he told me he had taken her back again. I guess I want some reassurance that I'm not crazy in thinking this situation is pretty screwed up. A lot of things make sense now, though, and actually, I feel better in a way knowing he went back to her rather than moving on to someone new, because I think there's something very telling about him going back repeatedly to a woman who he was virtually destroyed over -- he's never allowed himself to get over her. I know, too, that if he and I HAD stayed together, the minute she wanted him back, he would have dropped me like I had a terrible, contagious disease.

 

I know I'm better off, and I know that, no matter what happens, I could never date him or be involved with him again. I would always be dreading the day she came back again. And, since he's never gotten over her yet, it seems unlikely that, even if she dumped him again, for good, he'd ever get over her. Plus, my friends -- and my mom -- would kick my a** six ways to Sunday if I ever entertained the thought of dating him again.

 

Thanks for reading this ramble, ya'll. I'm still pretty shaken up, and I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around all this. I guess, in the end, what I'm trying to convince myself of is that it isn't me -- that he's in a dysfunctional situation, and that there's nothing I did wrong here.

[RayKay]

Yes, I think it is pretty screwed up to me and indicates a toxic/codependent element going on underneath it all. It's not unlike where those whom are abused need the most "affirmation" from their abusers; as if they see them to be the ones whom can validate them. Until they take the step to break the cycle once and for all, they continue to be trapped in sorts on a hamster wheel...running in circles but never getting where you need to be as you really aren't moving anywhere...just repeating the pattern.

 

I wonder if he keeps going back as he feels he needs to "justify" the ten years spent up and down, or the fact he has not moved forward.

 

Maybe one day he will finally break the cycle. Maybe not. But in either case, it certainly is not your fault he didn't.

[BrokenTinMan]

I can very well be your ex (date/bf) in this situation, so I'll try to answer some of your questions...

 

I've been with my ex for 4 years. He dumped me 8 times. The first 6 break ups lasted 1-2 days, last year lasted 2 months, and this last one, since November.

 

Even now, I wished things were different, and if he came back asking for a reconciliation, I would honestly consider it. There are a lot of reasons. First, I'm still in love with the guy. I think he is still the greatest partner, the most attractive guy and the most enjoyable person around. This would be the primary reason obviously. It is not something you just get over right away.

 

Another reason, might be that familiarity with the person. I am so used to my ex, and how we interact, how he treats me and how I treat him, our daily routines and activities... I just can not imagine doing all those with somebody else. The thought of sharing it with a new person is almost repulsive to me. To the point where, after dating this, guy for 4 weeks, I had to end it. Because I resented the fact that he wasn't like my ex.

 

I realize that the pattern is unhealthy. And, like Raykay said, their is a toxic co-dependence. The problem is, he can't sustain a long relationship. He believes that relationships don't need work, and should never need fixing. If there was a problem, then its not meant to be. Its a possibility, that I am caught in this 'addiction' making it harder for me to let go.

 

But, the fact remains, that there is that love I feel for the ex. If that was out of the equation, I doubt that I would be stuck here, 3 months after the break-up, still pining over him.

 

As for the guy you were seeing, you are right in not expecting anything from him. If I was like him, he had already closed off the whole world and once again focused his heart on this girl who just returned to him. If his ex was like mine, he will most likely suffer another round of heartache. He probably realizes that, but love and hope is a strange thing, they make you blind to everything else. Just wish him luck, and move on to better things.

[browneyedgirl36]

Yes, I think it is pretty screwed up to me and indicates a toxic/codependent element going on underneath it all. It's not unlike where those whom are abused need the most "affirmation" from their abusers; as if they see them to be the ones whom can validate them. Until they take the step to break the cycle once and for all, they continue to be trapped in sorts on a hamster wheel...running in circles but never getting where you need to be as you really aren't moving anywhere...just repeating the pattern.

 

I wonder if he keeps going back as he feels he needs to "justify" the ten years spent up and down, or the fact he has not moved forward.

 

Maybe one day he will finally break the cycle. Maybe not. But in either case, it certainly is not your fault he didn't.

 

Thanks, RayKay. This was very helpful. The hamster wheel analogy is quite appropriate, I think. When he started dating me, after a few months, he told me that, while he thought I was wonderful and beautiful and all that, he had too much *baggage* he wasn't past. So, we went our separate ways. Then, a few months later, he started contacting me again, and while we were never really a "couple" again, he sent a lot of mixed signals, and I thought he was finally over it and ready to move on. Wrong. We went back and forth for some time until I realized that he was never going to be able to give me what I wanted. Shortly after I realized this -- about a month after -- he announced he was back with her.

 

I truly think this could go on forever -- them breaking up and getting back together -- and it's hard for me to think about. I guess what frustrates me is that he's passing up an opportunity to be with someone who KNOWS for sure how she feels about him, who has been consistent in her feelings for and actions toward him and, most importantly, has never broken up with him and hurt him, for someone who has hurt him over and over again. It truly seems to be an addiction -- something we know is harmful to us but we keep going back to it because when it's good (i.e. the high from drugs or the feeling of winning at gambling) it's really good, and we tend to put lows in the back of our minds and focus on the highs, however fleeting they may be.

 

I guess I can take comfort in knowing he has never been able to sustain a relationship with ANYONE else since she's been in his life, so it isn't me at all.

 

Thanks again for your perspective on this. It really helps!

[browneyedgirl36]

Thanks BrokenTinMan -- Wow -- this really blew my mind. He dumped you 8 times? Please don't take this the wrong way, but...how can you live like that? I don't think I could stand it. In fact, I know I couldn't. I'd make myself sick over it. I don't think I could function. Your break-ups were mostly rather short, and my understanding is that these breakups (my ex's) have all been much longer -- from several months to well over a year. Not that it makes much difference. I think the underlying issues are similar.

 

I did wish him luck -- and he flinched at that. His response, in a rather annoyed tone of voice, was "Good luck?????" I replied, "Well, really, I don't know what else to say to you. That's all I can say. I hope this works out for you, if it's what you want." The whole conversation, though, was him expressing doubts that it would work -- suggesting that he knows he might be "crazy" for taking her back that that she's burned him before and could do it again.

 

My plan is to move on and not look back. It is very, very hard though. If he changed his mind tomorrow and wanted me, I'd have a HELL of a time saying no, but...I know I'd have to. I couldn't stand the thought that he was "settling" for me because she didn't want him, or that at any moment, she might want him back AGAIN, and that he'd absolutely drop me and run back to her.

 

Thanks for your response. I hope things work out for you!

[knightNshiningarmor]

well here is my story.. my friend of 7 years, best friend of about 3, and on again off again love interest for the last 1.5... i think the count right now is 3 her 1 me in the dumping to dumpee ratio. i think alot of this stems from relationships that work out perfect in theory but not in practice. Take us for instance... everything about our relationship says it should work... i.e. i treat her well and she does the same.. we both confess that we love each other and we are best friends and love one anothers company..but i am starting to believe that although everything appears perfect there is just something missing that extra magical thing or at least i think she feels that way and has hindered us in giving it a real shot. These kind of relationships are the ones that are very hard to get away from.. the ones where the person isnt a jerk but great.. the person you love but cant tell if your in love with. At least thats for my case. Basically where im at now with this girl is sadly more on a friends with benefits although we do not sleep together just the cuddling and kissing when im home from college. and i have a feeling well keep going on this back and forth until I, or her finds someone they care about enough to stop this cycle... since its started ive broken off two relationships to give it another try... so honestly i cant really tell you what it is...but anyway im beginning to ramble.

[browneyedgirl36]

Thanks for your response -- this is another helpful perspective. I think that you've hit on somthing here...we may tell ourselves a particular relationship "should" work, but when it ultimately doesn't, it's hard to let go because we've convinced ourselves that there's no reason why it shouldn't.

 

Interesting that you say you've broken off two relationships to go back to her. This seems to be a common scenario, and it is exactly why I could never date my ex again, no matter how much I care for him. I know that he'd dump me in a heartbeat to go back to her, and that feeling makes me sad, but at the same time, it helps to strengthen my resolve to let him go for good.

[knightNshiningarmor]

ultimately those two i broke off i was able to not just because of her but more because i knew they had no chance for longevity anyway. None the less i think it would be best to give up on this guy odds are hes far from over this other girl and probably wont be till she gets fully committed to someone else. luckily i dont think im in the same boat as your ex.. id hope to think i have more resolve then that and should i meet the right person i can finally be just friends. But to be honest i hate this place im in with her. Take last weekend.. i live about 4 hours from her so i took the train to see her..only her..told my family this isnt your trip ill see you guys again in a few weeks.. we spent a wonderful night together cuddling and kissing and watching a movie... the next day even though she invited me over for breakfast i got the cold shoulder i left to let us both catch up on some sleep only to get the cold shoulder again later that evening.. she wanted me to come by to say goodbye sunday, when i did I went in for a kiss good bye and she pulled back as i went in so we just hugged and said our goodbyes. so maybe you can give me a little advice from a perspective of someone whos seen this situation.

[browneyedgirl36]

Thanks, Aussie John. Your story has really shed some light on this whole thing.

 

You're right, I would make an ideal partner. Too bad my ex can't/doesn't see that. Actually, I have said "enough." I've promised myself that no matter what happens, I can't let him back into my life, even if he were to beg and reassure me that he was entirely over her. If I did take him back (if ever he came back), I'd always be waiting for the other shoe to drop -- for her to waltz back in and, yet again, say she wants him. That is no way to live, for sure.

 

So, I have to let go of him for good, as difficult as that is. Otherwise, I'll be doing the same thing to myself that he is doing to himself -- continually going back to someone who keeps hurting me. I'd rather take my chances with someone who hasn't hurt me before.

[knightNshiningarmor]

good philosophy

[Clabs]

Hey browneyedgirl!

 

There will be someone out there who doesn't keep hurting you - who does see all your very wonderful qualities - who doesn't keep running away from you.

 

You sound pretty good to me and he is a duma$$ and a moron for letting you slip away. Recognise that it is his faults that are doing this - you seem pretty faultless in this. It is his loss and the next person to find you will be the winner!

 

Mark

[blender]

Sometimes we get addicted to the emotional habit we have allowed someone to become in our lives..and unheatlhy relationshps can serve as a distraction to the real personal issues inside of our own selves that we don't want to face, so it SEEMS easier to stay involved in the drama of an unhealthy pattern, because we justify it with "we can see the potential of a "good version" of the relationship" and we decide to stay involved with that "expectation/image' in our own minds, instead of seperating the "feelings" from the "facts" and taking an honest look at the unhealthy pattern we CHOOSE to stay stuck in..

 

Yes it's always difficult to face change, especially with matters of the heart, but it's when we are most sad that we have the precious opportunity to rediscover who we are, what we value and then to let go of anyone who is not making a CONSISTENT emotional loyal healthy effort to cherish you the way you deserve..

 

Breaking the unhealthy pattern/emotional habit with an ex takes really looking at oneself and wanting to make an effort to cherish your own heart, respect yourself and CHOOSE to take some steps to a new different healthy independent more fulfilled life on your own, THEN you attract a healthy love into your life..

[BrokenTinMan]

^

Blender gives excellent advice. I think this is something I can use more than the OP Its very hard to put this in practice though. I understand what it says, but to apply it in the middle of a panic attack is a different story. It really is an addiction, although that is not to say that I don't love the ex. Its just that, the patterns of high and low became ingrained.

 

Be glad you are not with this guy anymore, and that you didn't get too entangled in the emotional waltz. He will take a long, long time to get over her when they split again, and I can almost guarantee that his girl will break his heart. BUt then again, you never know.

[browneyedgirl36]

Hey browneyedgirl!

 

There will be someone out there who doesn't keep hurting you - who does see all your very wonderful qualities - who doesn't keep running away from you.

 

You sound pretty good to me and he is a duma$$ and a moron for letting you slip away. Recognise that it is his faults that are doing this - you seem pretty faultless in this. It is his loss and the next person to find you will be the winner!

 

Mark

 

Oh, Mark, thank you so much for your response!

 

I definitely deserve someone who will see what I have to offer and won't run away (or keep running back to an ex who repeatedly hurts him). The funny thing is, he kept telling me how great I am, and said at one point that he realized he was missing out. All along, he has told me that what has happened with us is not my fault, and while I don't need his assurance that I'm OK, it helps to know that he recognizes that the issue is really his.

 

I am really, really looking forward to finding that person who appreciates me While I hope it will be sooner than later, I'm willing to be patient.

 

Thanks again! Your posts are always helpful.

[BrokenTinMan]

Also, if this makes you feel any better, its not because his ex was better than you. No, no. Its because in his mind, he has a mold that he wants a partner to fill. Every person being unique, obviously there is only one person who CAN fit the mold: the ex.

 

So its not really about you, I don't think. Its about the skewed personal standards he believes in. I hope you feel better soon.

[browneyedgirl36]

Blender -- Thank you so much for this thoughtful response. You are very right about the addiction aspect; I think that some people are at the point where the *love* is long gone, and what remains is the dependency aspect of the relationship, and it is not healthy for either party involved.

 

It will be a struggle for me to move on, but I am already beginning to do so. The first step for me was to realize the profound degree to which I was shortchanging myself, putting my feelings aside, and waiting, waiting...always waiting, for him to realize that I was the one for him. Every time I made the resolve to stop waiting, he did just enough to keep me hanging on -- flung just enough crumbs in my direction, and I, not confident enough in my own worth and in my ability to find someone who would value me and what I have to offer, accepted those crumbs.

 

Finally, I am at the point where I am ready to move forward and stop accepting crumbs. I am feeling nervous, but in a good way, anticipating the good things to come for me now that I am no longer focused on someone who could not give me what I deserve.

[browneyedgirl36]

Also, if this makes you feel any better, its not because his ex was better than you. No, no. Its because in his mind, he has a mold that he wants a partner to fill. Every person being unique, obviously there is only one person who CAN fit the mold: the ex.

 

So its not really about you, I don't think. Its about the skewed personal standards he believes in. I hope you feel better soon.

 

Thank you so much for this. You have no idea how much this helps. Funny, the other day, he said to me "It's not about you. There are fits, and there are non-fits." You're right, he has a certain "mold" he wants someone to fit, and he thinks she is the only one who can fit it. I have come to realize no matter what -- even if I were perfect -- I would never fit the "mold," because I'm not her.

 

That's part of the reason I wished him "good luck" -- not just good luck with her, but good luck with relationships in general if things don't work out with her. It seems he has blinders on.

[browneyedgirl36]

STOP thinking as if he will come back

 

Assume he won't to move on. Otherwise you will be looking for him in the usual places.

 

Assume he was taken away in a UFO or something. You sound as if you hope he will.

 

I use to pray my ex would show up and ask forgiveness one more time, just so I could say NO. (even though I would have a hard time saying it). Look at yourself from the outside and say it is for the best for you not to have this person in your life.

 

I admit, a teeny tiny part of me hopes he will. But, then again, it's only been 6 days since I found out he went back to his ex. I know that as more time passses, that feeling will fade.

 

And, yes, there's this aspect of wishing he could come back just so I can turn him down. I admit that, at this point, it would be satisfying to me to have him begging, saying he made a mistake, and being able to say "Ummm...no. Too late."

 

Thanks, John, for that little kick in the butt. I know you know what you're talking about, having been through it for a long time yourself. Your advice is very helpful, and I will take it.

[blender]

I admit, a teeny tiny part of me hopes he will. But, then again, it's only been 6 days since I found out he went back to his ex. I know that as more time passses, that feeling will fade.

 

And, yes, there's this aspect of wishing he could come back just so I can turn him down. I admit that, at this point, it would be satisfying to me to have him begging, saying he made a mistake, and being able to say "Ummm...no. Too late."

 

Thanks, John, for that little kick in the butt. I know you know what you're talking about, having been through it for a long time yourself. Your advice is very helpful, and I will take it.

 

My dear, you can feel very empowered by the FACT that you are in fact saying "no, it's too late" to him.. by doing this for yourself, say it out loud to yourself.. he's back with his ex for now and it's really just a lateral move, because once the "newness" wears off again, and it becomes "too real" he will again run away from anything or anyone who has the self respect to ask HIM to be emotionally responsible and mature.. so actually he didn't leave YOU, he ran away from HIMSELF..and he'll do so again, each and every time any relationship gets "too real" and a smart, self respecting girl will not waste her time and energy with him.. because he has too many "red flags"..

 

Consider yourself finally free of the emotional habit/addiction you have allowed him to become in your life. Today is a new day, a day of your new beginning of a self respecting, more independent, stronger, more wise, more wonderful YOU. Focus all your energy and love towards yourself, and you will soon attract a healthy love into your life...

 

You are the one gaining here, you have been given the gift of accepting that you will NOT settle for crumbs.. and once you really believe this, you will gain so much amazing self confidence and it will make you so attractive and more importantly help you grow, heal and love again in a more healthy fulfilling way.. it's all happened for a reason, now it's up to you to make a choice to let go and celebrate the gift of self discovery...

 

You have discovered how much YOU can love, how much YOU have to offer, and what it is YOU value, and what YOU will NOT settle for, and now you can choose to define your own life, your own sense of self.. all good things come from choosing to have gratitude for who YOU are.. and to live within values and standards and to seek someone who SHARES these sames qualities within themselves..

 

the best is ahead for you, so try to stop looking too long in the rearview mirror, it only will cause you to emotionally crash.. so let go, grab the steering wheel of your life, and take in all the new wonderful scenery and enjoy your OWN reflection in the rear view mirror, all that you have learned and now can grow from... it's an all wonderful amazing loving YOU... he was just an 'emotional speed bump" that slowed you down for a bit, but now you know where you are going.. you're going to celebrate YOU, all your own values and standards..and never settle for anyone who does not know how to cherish you the way you deserve.. And it's starts with cherishing yourself enough to not allow yourself to give this guy up more of your precious energy.

[browneyedgirl36]

Thank you, again, blender, for a wonderfully insightful and dead-on correct post.

 

It's funny, the last day or two, not only have I not felt nearly as sad, but...I feel relieved It's like I no longer have to worry whether he wants me or not, what he thinks, what he feels, what all his words and actions mean. I have been relieved of that burden -- and it was a burden, indeed. I knew it was weighing on me, but I don't think I realized how profoundly it was until just recently. I literally feel lighter, as if I have lost weight and am carrying nothing extra. It's a strange feeling, and a good one.

 

I know I am going to have bad days...I know I will have up and down days, but as you said, I'm taking control of the wheel and steering the car, and it's up to me to decide where it goes -- no one else. That's actually a really wonderful feeling, one I haven't had in LONG time.

 

In fact, on the subject of cars and steering: I am someone who has a lot of very, very vivid dreams, and I believe very strongly that they say something to me about how I'm really feeling -- they direct me toward the truth of what is really going on inside of me. A few months ago, at one of my very low points, I kept having a dream that I was driving my car, and I kept losing control of the car -- either I was going too fast and couldn't slow down, or I was about to hit something and couldn't stop because the brakes wouldn't work, or -- perhaps most significantly -- I got distracted from the road for just a moment and veered off and couldn't get back on. In each dream, I woke up just before the actual crash, but I awoke feeling terrible. In the past week, since I found out about my ex, I have had at least three dreams in which I'm driving, and in EVERY SINGLE ONE, I have kept control of the car, kept it to the appropriate speed, and stayed on the road. (In fact, in one last night, I had to squeeze the car into a really small space and did it perfectly, without hitting anything.)

 

So, I am trying to look at this from a place of possibility -- looking ahead, and not behind anymore. I know I'll hit little bumps in the road, but I am prepared to deal with them -- I know I have the strength and resources to do so.

 

Thanks so much, again, to you and to everyone who has responded with such wisdom. It has really helped to remind me of some things about myself that I had forgotten.

[blender]

Many of us are given the gift of self discovery and empowerment, but FEW of us actually have the courage and self respect to CHOOSE to receive it.. and the good news is you are on the "road" of choosing to receive this gift.. and to accept that you are powerless over the behavior and choices of others, but you do have the power to choose how you react and recover and rejoice after hitting a "speed bump" a "life lesson" so to speak.

 

The best is ahead of you because you are now choosing to not indulge in an unhealthy emotional habit/pattern regarding this ex any longer.. this is why you are experiencing that "feeling" of lightness, a relief of a burden... it's a gift... you are now rediscovering who you are, who you want to become and the type of guy whom you would willingly SHARE your amazing, loving, self respecting heart with... this is a time to celebrate all that you have learned, and the class and self respect you are now venturing forward with...

 

Ahhh..it's a great feeling.. to choose to be in a healthy self discovery phase, accepting that there will be ups and downs, but to always remember that you will only share your precious heart, mind and body with a man who knows how to respect and cherish you the way you deserve... that is freedom, that is love, that is sucess.. and being on your own for awhile will prove to be the most freeing, empowering, attractive and healing discovery... trust this and the miracle will be yours.

[Clabs]

Hey browneyedgirl!

 

I just wanted to say how much I admire your attitude to all of this stuff. It is hard - but you can make it easier or harder on yourself. Good for you for choosing the easier route - browneyedgirl = smart cookie!

 

There will be some bad days to sneak up, but take em for what they are - bumps in the road - and again - you identify that this is true. Again - good for you.

 

That is cool about those dreams coming good - it probably made you wake with a smile!

 

keep this up honey - you are going to be fine!

 

Mark

[Honey Pumpkin]

I don't know - not read all this thread, but a quick response. There is something in me that isn't healed with my ex, and it's extraordinarily tempting to give it another go. I've been wrestling with this for hours tonight, and I think it's because I want the time I spent with him to mean something. It's comforting, it's familiar, it's addictive and all that. And I am being strong as well, and not giving in, lol. But I do understand the temptation to go back and see if it can be fixed this time. It can't, and it would just be worse each time.

 

I think some people are unable to heal and stay locked in a cycle that they should break out of. I think you are better of out of it, because his issues are pretty deep, and he's not happy. It's unlikely to work out, but another few years of his life go down the tube chasing an empty dream.

[browneyedgirl36]

Hey browneyedgirl!

 

I just wanted to say how much I admire your attitude to all of this stuff. It is hard - but you can make it easier or harder on yourself. Good for you for choosing the easier route - browneyedgirl = smart cookie!

 

There will be some bad days to sneak up, but take em for what they are - bumps in the road - and again - you identify that this is true. Again - good for you.

 

That is cool about those dreams coming good - it probably made you wake with a smile!

 

keep this up honey - you are going to be fine!

 

Mark

 

Thank you again, Mark. Your posts are so encouraging. I feel very uplifted after reading all of the responses!

 

It's funny: Today I saw the ex, at work, and while I find him physically attractive still, I really didn't feel a burning need to talk to him. In fact, I left work today without saying goodbye, whereas normally I would've waited for him to get out of class so that I could see him one more time before leaving for the day. I left a good half hour before his class was out, and went on my merry way, and went shopping!

 

Today has been good. I had a ton of positive interactions with people today: people complimented me on my outfit and haircut, I helped someone who really needed it, and I just had a really great laugh with my colleagues about something really funny that happened at work today. It's all good.

 

Anyway, I know I won't feel this good every minute of every day, but this is a start in the right direction.

 

Thanks so much for your support. Everyone here has been GREAT the past few days -- as they always are -- and I have to say that it has really helped me to get into a better frame of mind.

[browneyedgirl36]

Just a little bump for this thread in case anyone has any further feedback.

 

I was feeling REALLY great yesterday, then took a turn and felt sad again last night and this morning when I woke up.

 

I did really well at work yesterday -- we only talked for 2-3 minutes, and then between classes I made sure I was *busy* -- talking on the phone, talking to a colleague, etc. -- so that he couldn't approach me. I even left before he did so that when he came out of class, he'd see that I was gone. In the *old days* I would've stayed until his last class was out hoping we would talk afterward. So, I did OK, went out and had a GREAT dinner with several friends last night, but came home and got bogged down with "What IFs" -- "What if I never find anyone else?" "What if their relationship DOES last this time?" (not that the second one is any of my business, and I know I shouldn't care.)

Then, there is the missing -- I miss the phone calls, the texts, the e-mails. It's only been a little over a week since our last phone call, but it seems like years, and I know there will be no more of them, at least anytime soon. I know that should be *good news* and I know, deep down, that it IS, but...that silent phone still kills me, as does the thought that he was able to look at me and take stock of all of my qualities, take everything that happened in the past year into account, and say "No thanks. I think I'll pass. I'd rather go back to someone who has hurt me repeatedly." It is so difficult for me to even conceive of how someone could do that. I KNOW intellectually that it's HIM, not ME, but...I have to put a lot of energy into not taking it all personally.

 

I guess one thing that really gets to me is how much energy I put into him in the last year, and now he was just so easily able to forget me and go right back to her, again, particularly since he had been hurt so badly by her before. How, a month ago, he kissed me, on the lips, and the huge smile on his face when he pulled away from me. And now...his kissing someone else (among other things I can't bear to think about.)

 

I'm sorry, everyone, for being a downer. You have all been so helpful, and I have really heard everything you've said. Today is hard, for some reason.