Why Keep Going Back?

[blender]

Instead of thinking "how could he leave ME so easily, instead try to remember that you are NOT interested in any man who could leave ANYONE so easily..

[Clabs]

Hey browneyedgirl!

 

Darling - you are going to have these downside days - self doubt - what if? Am I doing the right thing? A wave of emotion can wash over you and can almost wash away the reasons why you were being so strong - and remember all that was good. You miss the texts and calls and just having somewhere there to share your daily happenings - and that is natural too. Of course you miss that.

 

Reality check, doll. You put in so much energy and how does the jerk repay you? Just try and keep sight of what is going on.

 

These are very very tiring times. It does take up so much energy to keep you strong and keep you motivated. But please be strong because it will become easier given time.

 

You are doing so well darlin - stay strong and carry on focussing on you. Come back here and read some of the inspirational posts on here. You can do this - you really can.

 

Mark

[browneyedgirl36]

Thank you once again, Mark! You're right, the energy I have expended is unbelievable -- trying so hard to focus on me takes a lot out of me! I know, though, that I won't regret doing it.

 

I've seen the ex the last three days at work, and our conversations have amounted to about 2 minutes each -- mainly just polite conversation about work-related stuff. Today, though, we joked a bit -- NOT flirting, just joking about an issue related to a colleague -- and after he left, I felt like "Oh, crap. I was TOO FRIENDLY" and I started to feel bad for being too nice to him. The fact is I cannot avoid him completely. We WILL pass each other in the hall. He WILL pass my office to get to his, or to the bathroom. I can't hide under my desk or run out of the building everytime I think he might pass by. I'm OK talking to him briefly at times -- it does not cause me pain -- but I'm afraid if I'm too nice, he'll think I'm still hanging on. Today, I felt like the conversation was too *normal* -- too much like we used to talk before (albeit it was short, and there was no flirting); I guess I'm feeling I should have been more formal with him, but I have trouble being abrupt and/or aloof. While I don't want to give him the impression that I care too much, I'm bad at being distant and really formal with anyone I care about at all, and with him it is definitely hard. I definitely DON'T want to hear ANYTHING about his personal life at all anymore. At least not at this point, while my feelings are still fresh.

 

I know he and I will never be together. Of course, I'm still sad about this, but it is a reality that I'm facing and trying to deal with. I guess I'm just still trying to get my bearings with regard to how I should conduct myself around him, since completely avoiding him is not an option.

 

Well, it'll be several days before I see him again. That's good.

[browneyedgirl36]

Thanks, Honey Pumpkin. I know the urge to return to a previous relationship is very great. As you've said here, it's comforting, it's familiar, and it's addictive. I know that, if my ex ever broke up with his ex again and came around wanting me back, I'd have a tremendously difficult time saying no to him, and I worry that, right now, I am resolute about saying no to him simply because I don't see it has even a remote possibility that he will come back to me. I imagine that, as time goes on, I'll realize even moreso that this is all for the best and that he doesn't deserve any place in my life or space in my head.

 

Yes, his issues are deep. Very, very deep. I have spent the last year trying to fool myself into thinking they're really not, but I can't fool myself anymore. He has NEVER healed from his last break-up with his ex, and thus is starting not a new relationship with her, but probably the same OLD one. And, now, he has all of this hurt and distrust inside him that has festered over the last year or so, and something tells me that did NOT disappear the minute she re-appeared in his life; he's just pushing them down/aside because all he cares about is the fact that she's *back.*

 

I know I am better off. I have to keep saying that to myself until I really, truly act as if I know it.

[rapunzel]

BrownEyedGirl -

 

As you know I also work with my ex, in a different capacity and certainly not every day. In the beginning after the break up I worried about how I was going to "come off" when I spoke to him and how the way I spoke to him or didn't speak to him would affect him. The bottom line is that it doesn't matter. Because you have no control over how HE chooses to react to YOU. Don't worry about being too nice and that he'll think you're still hanging on. He is going to think WHAT HE WANTS TO THINK! And while you are worrying about being "too friendly" or whatever, he probably isn't even giving it a second thought. That is the sad reality. We spent SOOO much mental energy obsessing about our exes and they are just carrying on, living their lives and NOT obsessing about us. I'm sure they DO think about us, we certainly will never know how much or how little they do - but suffice it to say, if our exes left us, they are not having their thoughts consumed with us or posting about us on an internet forum!

 

I STILL worry, 5 months later how my behavior, what I say or doesn't say affects my ex. Because I haven't met anyone else and I'm still getting over him. Slowly but surely, I think I am now pretty much myself when I'm around him. I still find him very physically attractive. I saw him last night and he was gorgeous and I cried again over him today. It sucks and it's a process and we WILL get through it! I obsess over him to this day and I know, I KNOW it is a waste of my time.

 

So it's good to read your post and to be able to be an outsider looking in. I can be objective about your situation and think to myself "it doesn't matter how friendly or unfriendly she is with her ex. It doesn't matter what HE thinks. What matters is what SHE thinks. Nothing she does or doesn't do is going to change his mind, he's made his decision. She needs to write him off and worry about her OWN SELF." I'm preaching to myself here, you understand!!

 

The best thing is to just: BE YOURSELF. Treat him the way you would treat any other person. That said, don't go out of your way for him and it was great that you left early the other day so you didn't get to say goodbye to him. Keep doing that kind of stuff. I found myself hanging around, so I could maybe have the ex bump into me after rehearsal, etc. But then I wisened up and I just said goodbye all, jumped in the car and left. I felt empowered when I did that. I still backslide from time to time but it does feel good to jump back in the power seat and take control of my own personal power!

 

It will feel awkward in the beginning but as time passes you will get used to it. I am going to a Super Bowl party on Sunday where my ex will be. I thought about NOT going but I am also friends with these other people. I am going to go and BE MYSELF. And if he doesn't like it, well then #$@ him!

 

Best of luck. It has only been a week so pat yourself on the back for getting through 3 contacts with him in 3 days! That's a lot and I'm sure you were perfect! It's good to now have a break. Do nice things for yourself! I know how HARD, how downright torturous it is to have to see your ex frequently, especially in a work situation. Keep telling yourself those positive affirmations and what a fabulous, wonderful, caring, giving person you truly are. When you are with the great guy that you are supposed to be with, you'll look back on this time and think: "what was I thinking?" I know I will too.

 

rapunzel

[browneyedgirl36]

Browneyedgirl,

I recently had an aggressive skin cancer removed from my lower leg. I had it for 4 years and was about 1 inch in diameter. Not good at all. Lazyarse Male who thought he couldn't take the time off work 9even though I have 7 weeks sick leave and 14 weeks annual leave).

Anyway, when I had i removed I actually missed it. I now have 35 stitches and lots more pain (short term while it heals). I still miss the pain.

I also had 4 removed from my face and 1 from my arm.

I am now skin cancer free.

I liken it to my ex who left.

I have removed all the bad things in my life, but they all leave scars and will always remember that could have killed me if I had left them as part of my life.

 

Wow, John!

 

First off, let me say I'm glad to hear that your cancer was removed and that you are healthy again.

 

That said, this is an excellent metaphor for exactly what toxic relationships do to us. We *think* we miss them at first, because we convinced ourselves they were *supposed* to be, or that they are a *part* of us that we need. Like the cancer, the truth is that they are harmful to us, and they need to be extracted -- completely -- so that we can move on to live healthy, happy lives.

 

Thanks for sharing this.

[browneyedgirl36]

Thanks, rapunzel, yet again, for your encouraging words.

 

It's funny, I feel the same way about your posts -- it's good to read and be an outsider in someone else's situation because, when I respond to your posts, I'm really sort of responding to my own, so I am forced to say to myself, "Ok, Browneyedgirl36, you KNOW the score here. You're giving people the SAME advice and feedback that you yourself need, so obviously you KNOW this stuff -- now ACT like you know it!"

 

You're right: The exes probably barely notice if we're being *too friendly* or whatever; mine, in particular, since he has someone else, probably doesn't give a rat's a** how I'm acting. He's always been a bit self-absorbed anyway, and I'm sure that now that he's back with his ex, he's even more so. As long as I'm not acting nutty and crying in front of him, begging, drunk-dialing him, or acting all erratic at work, he probably won't give it much of a second thought. And, I don't plan to do ANY of those things!!!!!

 

And, your advice to "be yourself" is spot on. It's funny, last year at this time, when we first broke things off, that's EXACTLY what I did; at first, it was hard, but shortly I began to feel comfortable, and it became effortless just to be myself around him again. Once he started pursuing me again, and the rollercoaster ride started up, it got harder; I think it was because I was constantly focusing on what he was thinking: Did he still want me? Did he want to date me again? How did he feel about me? Now, that's he's gone back to his ex again, those questions are answered, so I should be able to act more natural around him and not worry that my every move might drive him away -- he's gone, so I CAN'T drive him away. On one hand, it's a bit sad, but then....WHEW! What a relief not having to *try* anymore. Now, I can just *be.*

 

Thanks again for your comments. I hope you have a great time at the Superbowl party. You're doing great, and I know the party will go well for you, regardless of what the ex does or says or how he acts toward you.

 

I look forward to being with that guy who causes me to look back at the ex and say "What was I thinking?" I know we'll both get there!!!!!

[BrokenTinMan]

 

I look forward to being with that guy who causes me to look back at the ex and say "What was I thinking?" I know we'll both get there!!!!!

 

What if we never do?

 

Sorry, just feeling low today. Its Friday, I'm home, and will be home for the weekend as well. I don't feel like going out. I don't feel like faking fun.

 

Do you think we'll ever get over exes? Even when we know, they are toxic for us?

[browneyedgirl36]

What if we never do?

 

Sorry, just feeling low today. Its Friday, I'm home, and will be home for the weekend as well. I don't feel like going out. I don't feel like faking fun.

 

Do you think we'll ever get over exes? Even when we know, they are toxic for us?

 

YES! YES! YES! I DO! I don't just think it, I KNOW it! But, we can only get over them if we are willing to work at doing so. Part of that -- a HUGE part -- is focusing on ourselves and NOT focusing on them anymore.

 

I KNOW you can do it. I KNOW it doesn't seem that way, but you can.

 

If it helps, I'm probably home for the weekend too. I will be using this weekend to take care of myself -- exercising, baths, manicure, reading, etc. And, I'll probably venture out for lunch with a friend or two. One small step at a time -- that's what it takes.

[browneyedgirl36]

Mate,

Change your name to "The Man" made from broken tin.

You know, it will never happen while you feel sorry for yourself.

 

One of my defence startegies for my ex was that I always appeared positive and happy as well as Mr Confident. That was what she loved about me. IT WAS WHAT MY NEW GF LOVES ABOUT ME ALSO.

I know it's a facard, an act, its the front I put on when I dont want anybody 2 know how devastated I am.

Positive confident people attract and draw people. It's doesn't matter how good looking or handsome you are.

 

Very true, John. At first, it may be an act, but over time, as a positive attitude attracts other positive attitudes, it becomes reality -- not an act anymore.

[BrokenTinMan]

Thanks Aussie. My mistake when we had our first contact after a long period of NC, was appearing weak. Well... at first, I was confident, it wasn't even an act. I was sort of OK. The gradually, that deteriorated as I realized that he contacted me not because he wanted to reconcile, but because he wanted to keep me around as a friend.

 

I'll remember your advice though. I'll try to find reasons to be confident.

 

BrownEyed, I like your attitude. I think you're really on your way to a better place, far from your ex. Goodluck on your ventures this weekend. Hope you have lots of fun.

[browneyedgirl36]

BrownEyed, I like your attitude. I think you're really on your way to a better place, far from your ex. Goodluck on your ventures this weekend. Hope you have lots of fun.

 

Thanks...I admit, I'm having a hard time with this, but I know I have no choice but to move forward, without him as a significant part of my life.

It's very difficult, though. He meant a lot to me, and though part of me always knew, even from the first date, that he wasn't *the one* for me, this is the saddest thing that I've ever gone through.

 

In fact, when I just typed that sentence about the first date, I sat here for a minute and had a flashback to that date -- him standing near my front door, me holding his hand tightly, him looking at me like I was something priceless to him (we had already known each other for quite some time before then). I remember him kissing me -- WOW. I still have the first text message he ever sent me. And the last one. And a ton of them in between. Very shortly, I will be buying a new phone. I can't bear to delete the texts. I know I'd end up going through and reading them all, and I know it would set me back tremendously. Plus, he was the one who called me the most on my cell phone, so I associate it ringing with him. A new phone -- with a new ring and his number NOT in my phone book -- will help me to start over again. And, I have a ton of IM conversations and e-mails saved on my computer. Tomorrow, I'm going to buy a memory stick, save them all on there, put it away somewhere, and dump the files off of my computer. I've already taken him from my Buddy List on AIM so that I can't see him online, though I have not yet blocked him; something tells me he won't be IM-ing me anyway, at least not anytime soon. If he does, and it's too hard for me, I'll block him.

 

This is all very hard. My attitude is good, but I'm still in pain. Still, I know I have to do all of this stuff -- the phone, the e-mails, etc. -- as a first step on the path toward moving on.

[BrokenTinMan]

Plus, he was the one who called me the most on my cell phone, so I associate it ringing with him.

 

This breaks my heart I know, I know exactly what you mean. If you feel like you need to buy a new phone, go for it. I think it will do you good. I get sentimental with phones, so I know the idea. You used to hear their voice come out of that little device, and now that they're gone, the phone is still there, but it never rings. Its a constant reminder and it never leaves your side. My ex bought me an Iphone 2 months before he broke up with me. I have to live with the damn thing now, because I don't want to pay for a new phone Every time I see it, I think of him.

 

I like when you said that although you had a good attitude with this ordeal, the pain is still felt. I like that honesty. Cry if you have to, then move on. That's what I try to do sometimes. I just have to get the attitude part down.

 

Keep posting, keep venting. I hope you feel better soon...

[rapunzel]

Browneyedgirl -

 

I never had a cellphone until this year. And my ex was the first person to call me on my cell. He doesn't text (he doesn't own a cell!) but I do have a special ring programmed for him if and when he calls.

 

And the flashbacks - I am plagued with them. My mind is flooded with flashbacks daily lately. The memories are brutal. I know I can't continue like this as I usually dissolve in a puddle of tears and I'm trying thought stopping techniques, jumping up to do something, going outside, etc. Remembering the early days is especially tough when it was new love, brimming with possibility and hope. I was convinced my ex WAS the one.

 

I think it's good to remove stuff from your computer. And the new phone with his number removed. Good idea. Initially I did remove my ex's number but when I thought we might have a chance at reconciliation I put it back in my phone. I feel OK with having his number in my phone now as bit by bit, I'm easing into acceptance. He rarely calls my cell and I like having the special ring so I can be prepared to speak with him. He called my home number last Friday and he called my cell on Jan. 16th. It's awful that I remember these dates.....

 

Hang in there. You are most definitely NOT alone. There are so many of us in pain but it's a part of life and we will all emerge stronger. And remember - you'll always have yourSELF and yourSELF is the most important person. It's a good time to be a little bit selfish, to pamper and take care of yourSELF.

 

Any time we enter into a romantic relationship it is a risk. But the risk is worth taking as eventually we'll find the person that we are supposed to be with. It will happen. It will. It will be all worth it. I have faith that we will find love again.

[mezmerist]

I'm glad I am not the only one sentimental with the phones. I have a ton of text messages saved on my phone, and pictures he sent to me. And I am in no way ready to delete them. I never look through them, but it just feels better to know they are there. And I don't know if I will be be able to delete them. I am never one to throw away things I was given, etc. I just store them in a box and put them away in a closet. It was part of my life, just a chapter I have to close for now.

[browneyedgirl36]

Thanks, Rapunzel! It is sooo hard to keep from doing the "instant replay" of all the good moments, the fun times, the warm feelings. I am looking forward to the day when I can do it and SMILE instead of, as you said, being reduced to a puddle of tears.

 

Today, (in between mini crying jags) I have come to the conclusion that our first date was very telling about how things would go with us. It was FULL of red flags, and while I want to remember the hand-holding, the laughter, the chemistry, the compliments, the absolutely fantastic kisses -- all of the good stuff, I have to tell myself that there was SO much more about that date that was uncomfortable for me -- several mentions of his divorce, custody battle, etc., several bitter comments directed at women (not women in general, but specific women), several comments about being *burned* before and having trouble trusting, how he seemed TOO *into* me on the first date, how he seemed to be all over the map with regard to his emotions, etc. I think on some level I always knew it would go this way -- that I would get deeply hurt. But, even though part of me knew he wasn't *the one*, I HOPED he was. So, ultimately, all of what I'm feeling right now isn't all that surprising or unexpected; this doesn't make it any less profoundly painful, however.

 

The phone thing is really hard. I WANT to delete all of the texts -- or at least get a new phone and *start all over* with a clean slate, but the thought of letting those texts just disappear into the ether is really hard on me. It's silly, I know -- they're just words on a screen -- but part of me feels like they are the only *proof* I have that he ever really cared about me. I have my memory, and my memory still works, but...I wonder how much of my memory is accurate and how much of it is colored by what I had HOPED things would be, as opposed to what they were. Oh, man, now I'm getting all "maudlin" as my mom would say! I know that all of this shouldn't matter -- he's gone, he's back with his ex, and no words trapped in the memory of my cell phone will make a difference. In the old days, when people wrote letters, things were much simpler. You could just put the letters away and forget about them, and if you really wanted them later, you could dig them out.

 

I am sorry you are having rough times too, but you are hanging in there SO well and really keeping a postive attitude, and that is GREAT! I am doing my best. It's literally hour by hour for me at times -- one hour I feel good: confident, free, energized -- the next, I feel sad, lonely and fearful that I will never find anyone else. I know that the bad feelings come from fear and grief, and that they are not reflective of reality. The reality is that there are ton of great men out there, that I have a lot to offer, and that I need to stay focused on me and NOT on the past.

[browneyedgirl36]

I'm glad I am not the only one sentimental with the phones. I have a ton of text messages saved on my phone, and pictures he sent to me. And I am in no way ready to delete them. I never look through them, but it just feels better to know they are there. And I don't know if I will be be able to delete them. I am never one to throw away things I was given, etc. I just store them in a box and put them away in a closet. It was part of my life, just a chapter I have to close for now.

 

 

This is exactly how I feel. As I said in another post, it was SO much easier when people wrote letters, as we could just put them in a box, out of sight, and not think about them. But, if we someday decided we wanted to look at them, they'd still be there. With texts, e-mails, etc., once they're gone, they're gone. I'm still debating what to do about my phone. I don't get a ton of texts -- in fact, he was one of the only people who ever texted me -- and I haven't really gone through them in a long time, but I'm afraid that someday I will get the urge to read through them all, and because they pretty much trace the arc of our whole relationship over the past year, I'll end up re-living everything if I read them.

 

Hmm...I guess for now, I'll do nothing, but eventually I may have to.

[renaissancewoman101]

I understand how you feel. With my last ex, I still have photos, emails, cards, IM chats, etc., all stuff I save just for the hell of it. I don't look back at it, but I like knowing that it is there if I should ever want to look back at it.

 

Sometimes we cling to things of the past, just as a reminder, not because we want to LIVE in the past.

[browneyedgirl36]

I understand how you feel. With my last ex, I still have photos, emails, cards, IM chats, etc., all stuff I save just for the hell of it. I don't look back at it, but I like knowing that it is there if I should ever want to look back at it.

 

Sometimes we cling to things of the past, just as a reminder, not because we want to LIVE in the past.

 

Good points. I don't want to live in the past, but I don't want to entirely erase it, either. I mean, for better or worse, it IS part of who I am today. And there were some good memories there, for sure.

 

The thing with the texts is that I can't "put them away somewhere." They're on my phone until/unless I delete them, so unlike computer files (which I can save to a flash drive or a disk), and letters, which I can put away in a box, they're there every time I turn my phone on, and I'm worried that the temptation to read them will be overwhelming at times.

 

Funny thing, though, since he told me he went back to his ex, almost 2 weeks go now, I have barely looked at my phone. It's been on, but I've only checked it a couple of times, mainly because I know he won't be calling or texting me anymore -- or at least not anytime soon. My friends all know to call me on my home phone, and my cell number is a "back-up" for them if I don't answer my home phone.

[mezmerist]

Yeah, it's not about reading them right now, because that will just open up a whole new door of hurt that is really unnecessary. But...it almost feels safe to be able to know that the texts ARE there in your phone, if you ever feel strong enough to read it, or the urge to look. It's like proof that the whole thing wasn't just a figment of your imagination. It seemed like a dream, and I am scared of waking up from it.

[BrokenTinMan]

I know what you mean about the text messages. I deleted all of mine right after the break up, because it just hurts me to read all the lovey dovey messages. It doesn't help to see these old nice messages when youre trying to demonize them in your head. It brings back fond thoughts, and those don't help at all Maybe youre not ready to delete them yet. Hopefully soon, you'll be ready and able. But I think the earlier you do it, the better you'll feel. One less thing to hold on to...

 

Hope you feel better, BrownEyes. Take care, I'll be thinking of you.

[renaissancewoman101]

Sometimes deleting things signify the finality of everything.

 

Not everybody is ready to truly face that.

[blender]

when you find the courage to face and accept what IS, that is when you let go and grow past all the heartache...

[browneyedgirl36]

I know what you mean about the text messages. I deleted all of mine right after the break up, because it just hurts me to read all the lovey dovey messages. It doesn't help to see these old nice messages when youre trying to demonize them in your head. It brings back fond thoughts, and those don't help at all Maybe youre not ready to delete them yet. Hopefully soon, you'll be ready and able. But I think the earlier you do it, the better you'll feel. One less thing to hold on to...

 

Hope you feel better, BrownEyes. Take care, I'll be thinking of you.

 

Thanks so much! I hope you are feeling better too!

[browneyedgirl36]

Sometimes deleting things signify the finality of everything.

 

Not everybody is ready to truly face that.

 

Yeah. Finality. That's hard to face.

 

I DID delete all of our IM chats that I had saved, after saving them to a memory stick, which I promptly stowed away in a drawer. I doubt I'll ever look at them again, but I wasn't ready to dump them completely. It's nice not having them right *there* on my computer desktop.