Getting my girlfriend to lose weight

[BeStrongBeHappy]

>>She refuses to take the pills because they are all 'hormones' and she doesnt want to put that in her body.

 

Actually, this can be VERY dangerous for her if she has serious thyroid problems. People literally can die from this if they don't take the medication. It can also cause a host of physical and mental problems, and of course weight gain.

 

If her doctor has told her she needs the pills she had better take them, and you should do some research and show her this could be deadly for her if her thyroid quits entirely.

 

btw, nobody is trying to back you into a corner, just give you their differing points of view. this board really is to give you some insight, and you don't have to take the advice or agree with it... sometimes it takes many different approaches to solve a problem like this, so people are just giving you advice on differing things you might try...

[stranded247]

I've talked to her about it. She refuses to take the pills because they are all 'hormones' and she doesnt want to put that in her body. Yet she drinks those white chocolate uber fat coffee's every day.

 

I know I'm being harsh but I've seen her TRY to lose weight and succeed, even with the thyroid disorder, her problem is she cant commit to a diet and she hates exercising. So when she trys and drops 5 pounds after a month she'll cheat on her diet and end it altogether eventually. Thanks for the information though, I'll definitely talk to her about that..

 

I can see why you are frustrated. She is being very ignorant by refusing to take those pills. You said she isn't even eating much but gaining a lot of weight. This is all due to her thyroid then. Honestly it is her thyroid. She is a more extreme case of what I was. I never got to her size but I am 5ft 2 and I went from 105 lbs to like 139 lbs just due to my thyroid and I was doing eight hours of exercise and eating healthy. If she were to just take those pills and eat healthily she would lose so much weight. I've lost a lot of weight from just doing that.

[seanforever]

Oh yes, I am very appreciative of it, I feel though like I backed myself into a corner. Maybe I could have helped the situation had I said something sooner maybe or been blunter. Its so hard from a guys point of view, I mean if she said to me, lose some weight babe I wouldnt sulk I'd just do it. And its hard for me to get motivated at anything also.

 

She has no motivation, yet she wants to complain about her weight. thats the real issue thats going on here. I'm sure it doesnt help me calling her beautiful, cute, sexy ect. all the time. Maybe she has gotten 'comfortable' with me, but we are still so young. But its so sad, i feel helpless

 

As for the medication - her thyroid problem isnt that severe. The doctor told her and her mother that the pills were optional. Yet its side effects impact the menstrual cycle/fertility so naturally its a big nono to women I suppose

[seanforever]

I can see why you are frustrated. She is being very ignorant by refusing to take those pills. You said she isn't even eating much but gaining a lot of weight. This is all due to her thyroid then. Honestly it is her thyroid. She is a more extreme case of what I was. I never got to her size but I am 5ft 2 and I went from 105 lbs to like 139 lbs just due to my thyroid and I was doing eight hours of exercise and eating healthy. If she were to just take those pills and eat healthily she would lose so much weight. I've lost a lot of weight from just doing that.

 

Well if thats the case then I'm mostly wrong. She is really refusing to take the pills, I'll try my best to coax her into them, it really does seem like the fix to this problem

[caro33]

She is also young and like I said above, I wonder what "natural" is for her body at any rate. Perhaps she was never cut out to be 120 lbs, but something else (hopefully not 160 though, as if there is no muscle there it's not healthy).

 

Were you being sarcastic itsallgrand?

[seanforever]

She is also young and like I said above, I wonder what "natural" is for her body at any rate. Perhaps she was never cut out to be 120 lbs, but something else (hopefully not 160 though, as if there is no muscle there it's not healthy).

 

Were you being sarcastic itsallgrand?

 

Well she recently quit dancing so she still has a bit of muscle. But I dont want to know what her bodyfat% is..

 

Makes perfect sense to me for 120 not to be natural for her. Her mother is about the same height and she is overweight also if thats natural for her then that just means she has to work a bit harder to keep it there

 

I'm not telling her to, I know she WANTS to. I just want to get her motivated

 

Oh and about the pills, supposedly you have to take them your whole life? Is this true?

[shikashika]

i think you ahve every right to tell her she has put on too much weight and you don't find it attrctive. Why should she let herself go just because she's in a relationship? Shouldn't you be a good enough reason to take care of herself?

 

if she can't take care of her own body, how can she take care of her relationship or with you?!?!

 

You can encourage her to do something or join some sort of fitness class together....but she shouldn't expect you to stick around while she makes no effort.

[seanforever]

i think you ahve every right to tell her she has put on too much weight and you don't find it attrctive. Why should she let herself go just because she's in a relationship? Shouldn't you be a good enough reason to take care of herself?

 

if she can't take care of her own body, how can she take care of her relationship or with you?!?!

 

You can encourage her to do something or join some sort of fitness class together....but she shouldn't expect you to stick around while she makes no effort.

 

Thats not all thats happening, as she does have the thyroid problem.. Honestly I think its 60% 40% thyroid and not wanting to work to lose the weight respectively

 

We were each other's first everything. I love her with all that I am, I would never think about leaving her.. Especially over something so superficial she would die, and I wouldnt blame her

 

I just need a way to coax her into losing weight without making the situation worse. Which is impossible because shes a bit selfish and not open to much. but its worth a shot

[caro33]

... I would never think about leaving her.. Especially over something so superficial she would die, and I wouldnt blame her...

 

I'm not sure I know how to say this without running the risk of it being taken the wrong way, but seanforever, try not to set standards for yourself that might be too hard to live up to. I think it's admirable that you think weight is just a superficial issue, so good for you. But her weight problem is more than that. It's a health problem (or potentially so) - you say she eats twice a day, already that is just not enough food enough of the time. Her metabolism must be suffering. It's also potentially a health problem with the thyroid issue. And will the thyroid issue get worse as she gets older? This is also a self-esteem issue for her, and perhaps a self-control issue.

 

For you, this is a real issue and I would not try and push it all aside as "superficial" if it does not get sorted. It is not unreasonable to want to be with someone who we find sexually attractive. How heavy would she have to get before you find it hard to be with her, and what would you do then? It is also not unreasonable for you to want to be with someone who feels good about herself and has the will to help herself and stop the self-hate.

 

If you guys can sort this out - well, really, if she can sort this out - that's great, and I think the support you can provide will be instrumental. But I am just cautioning you against taking an absolute position at this point in time, as your needs are important too.

[seanforever]

How heavy would she have to get before you find it hard to be with her, and what would you do then?

 

What a hard question to ask yourself.

 

But I am just cautioning you against taking an absolute position at this point in time, as your needs are important too.

 

Yeah. At the moment I'll take it slow. I'm definitely avoiding an ultimatum. my needs can take a backseat on this one. I'm not asking her to save the world.. just drop a few pounds. You get what I'm saying

[itsallgrand]

Were you being sarcastic itsallgrand?

 

No.

 

It really does come down to a decision to love them as they are (and it might not change, it might change to something else), or to leave.

 

How it sucks to have someone go half way.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think the first thing you should work on is getting her to take her medications... here is a list of relevant symptoms for hypothyroidism.

 

Fatigue

Weakness

Weight gain or increased difficulty losing weight

Cold intolerance (can't tolerate the cold like those around you)

Muscle cramps and frequent muscle aches

Depression

Irritability

Memory loss

Abnormal menstrual cycles

Decreased libido

 

so her desire to stop dancing, working out, etc. may ALL be linked to the low thyroid. and even if she diets, she may not be able to lose weight anyway until she fixes her thyroid.

 

so i would try to get her to try the pills and she how she feels. i suspect she will feel better, and perhaps then the motivation may come. it is hard to get motivated with that list of symptoms!

 

btw, TONS of people take thyroid pills, and no one i know complains about them, so i think she would actually improve on them if she has a thyroid deficiency.

 

i think you have a very legitimate complaint if she won't take her health seriously. and most doctors don't prescribe thyroid pills as 'optional', so that may be her excuse to get out of it. she can make a choice to be healthy or not, and if she has changed a lot in many ways since this diagnosis (which is sounds like), it can be a starting point for your discussions with her about being responsible for her own health and taking care of it, whether it be medication for thyroid or diet.

[JadedStar]

If she was a chubby kid and had finally managed to lose some weight right before you two got together and kept it off a little while and is now slipping back to a heavier weight it sounds like her normal predisposition is definitely chunkier than what you were used to while first dating.

 

It would be possible but very difficult for her to maintain that smaller size because if she is like a lot of young girls she probably killed herself to get to that weight and when we are younger our metabolisms are at their best - for some people it begins to decline every year we get older.

 

I truly think that you are dating her at the size she will most likely be. Sure she can exercise and do things about it - and she SHOULD but i don't think this is going to get her more than a ten lb reduction. If she has a thyroid problem and also grew up chubby she likely is not a skinny girl by design. I think you should start thinking now before you get TOO serious can you handle it or not.

 

It sounds like to me her whining and complaining abuot it, yet doing nothing, is more of a turn off than the weight itself. Is that the case? At least a little?

[stranded247]

Also you must explain to her that if she goes without medication its potentially very dangerous whether her condition is severe or not. My mum went from having a low thyroid to having a high thyroid and at the age of 48 she went down to the size of 40 kilos and she looked skeletal and was incredibly ill at one point she was close to death.

Its possible to swing the other way and whilst it may be appealing that should could suddenly drastically lose all the weight it would be temporary and her metabolism will be forever damaged making it even more impossible for her to lose weight. And the problem with not taking medication is that all that needs to happen is for her to get a little run down and bam she will get fatter and more depressed and all her symptons will suddenly be very severe.

Seeing as she has a thyroid problem I am very surprised that she is not more aware of her health. Ever since I found out about my problem I am now very careful not to eat junk food or sugar or anything that will make me ill and if I do it, it is rare, I always exercise and make sure I am well dressed for climates and take plenty of suppliments and eat lots of raw natural foods. She should be doing the same really because hypothyroidism can make you very ill, has she heard about what happens to people who go untreated? Well here is what happens:

Left untreated, the symptoms of hypothyroidism will usually progress. Complications can result in severe life-threatening depression, heart failure or coma.

She should really take thyroxin-its crucial and she doesn't have to take it forever.

[Natty7]

I don't think it's bad at all that you are starting to question her weight. Yeah sure, you are supposed to love her, but she has to love herself too and when she met you as a dancer, vegetarian and avid exerciser ~ and all of a sudden she is none of the above, there is a problem. I would feel cheated, misled, etc. I mean, have you changed so drastically from the man she fell in love with? But that is not the point. Beauty is skin deep. The point is you love her so naturally you want to help her (kudos to you).

 

I would suggest something... Ebay sells these dance/exercise videos. Now I know that you said she wasn't a stripper, butttt, there is this new thing that mixes pole dancing, yoga and aerobics all in one. What better way man?!?!? Give it to her and let her know how excited you are to see her moves and how it's a fantasy.... While she does practices a/k/a works out for the stripdance she will begin to build her confidence again, feeling sexy, sensual and wanted. While she is doing this you should be there doting and encouraging her because you noticing her change and attempts to be better, will shoot her confidence through the roof. Don't change how you look at her, kiss her softly on her upper arm, be very very affectionate~ it's just a little positive reinforcement.

 

Does this sound like something that would work on her?

[seanforever]

It wouldnt. She is very stubborn. She refuses to take a pill every day for a long period of time, she refuses to do anything pretty much. If I bought her an exercise video she would cry. Its hard for me to bring up anything without starting a fight..

 

If she wants to do nothing and just let herself go, well unfortunately I'm young and I dont see a need to try to hard to further develop our relationship. If shes already letting herself go as young person well frankly there are other fish in the sea who wouldnt do that. I'm not asking her to be a skinny little exercise freak. Frankly I'm not attracted to the whole 100lb ribcage look. But at the same time, 160 is beyond my limit of attraction. My charity is going unnapreciated. Hell I would pay for the pills myself if I could. I'm a generous guy I've tried just about everything I can with her but like a few people said ultimately its up to her to make the decision to do something about it

 

And honestly, I put up with so much in the relationship. You know all those little fights you have. well she starts them all, and the next day she goes to the 'I'm so sorry' thing. Also dealing with her parents, who wont let her date out of her culture, which I can handle. But, honestly its all piling up on me

 

I guess this is the whole irish-guilt thing, I can live with it, but damnit I'll put up a fight. If I have to turn into an * * * * * * * to get her to do it I will, if in the end she will ultimately thank me

[Natty7]

Oy, it sounds like you have your hands very full (no pun intended~ just lightening it up a little lol) You're absolutely right though. You are young and this is not your cross to carry. It really is not that much about something as superficial as weight, but if she gives up like this- this easy, this early- most likely she will no longer be the woman you fell in love with or even a shadow of your former love. She needs to figure herself out because she seems to be lacking in the esteem department, and you know the saying:

 

If you don't love yourself you can't love someone else.

[seanforever]

Oy, it sounds like you have your hands very full (no pun intended~ just lightening it up a little lol) You're absolutely right though. You are young and this is not your cross to carry. It really is not that much about something as superficial as weight, but if she gives up like this- this easy, this early- most likely she will no longer be the woman you fell in love with or even a shadow of your former love. She needs to figure herself out because she seems to be lacking in the esteem department, and you know the saying:

 

If you don't love yourself you can't love someone else.

 

But it cant make me not love her. I do very much love her personality, we click like I havent clicked before so that makes me wanna try my best. But just a thyroid pill could fix all her problems, i.e

 

here is a list of relevant symptoms for hypothyroidism.

 

Fatigue

Weakness

Weight gain or increased difficulty losing weight

Cold intolerance (can't tolerate the cold like those around you)

Muscle cramps and frequent muscle aches

Depression

Irritability

Memory loss

Abnormal menstrual cycles

Decreased libido

 

Thats funny. because she has nearly all those symptoms, always have since I met her.

[stranded247]

This is tough, you may have to put up a fight but in the end she's the only one who can change things and it seems to me that she doesn't want to change things. So maybe and I hate to suggest this but maybe you will have find someone who wont let themselves go so much. This is unfair on you.

[Natty7]

But it cant make me not love her. I do very much love her personality, we click like I havent clicked before so that makes me wanna try my best. But just a thyroid pill could fix all her problems, i.e

 

My mother suffered from thyroid cancer, and she has since had surgery. Let me tell you something~ she takes that pill and she still has gained and continues to gain a lot of weight. It's really hard to watch. But four years into it and she uses it as an excuse now, "I am overweight because...." when in reality she just got so depressed at one point that she developed an eating disorder, in my opinion. You can take into consideration this thyroid problem, but I am sure you know that's not the issue.

 

Man, I have fallen in love with some guys that I really shouldn't have, so I know your pain. But the truth is, no matter how much you love someone, if the fighting continues, the lack of discipline/acknowledgment continues and really, her lack of wanting to look good for you~ this love that you once had will not be found or even recognized. This isn't fair for you.

[seanforever]

But the truth is, no matter how much you love someone, if the fighting continues, the lack of discipline/acknowledgment continues and really, her lack of wanting to look good for you~ this love that you once had will not be found or even recognized. This isn't fair for you.

 

Damn.. that really put me in place. I might be beating a dead horse here but she does want to look good for me. Its just almost like she doesnt have hope. She thinks I'm this amazing guy who will love her even if she looks like a sumo wrestler. And I will, as a person, but I'll be damned to hop into bed with a sumo wrestler, lol.

 

I've talked her into going back onto the medication. stranded247 - cant thank you enough for the advice about the pills.. Shes going to talk to her mom about it and see if she can get back onto them. I'm not looking at this as a fix though, I'm still very much in an internal conflict about this. But if the pills do seem to fix the problem then I'll try to avoid all of this. But believe me we have alot of years left and people do regress its human nature

[FarthestEdge]

If she seemed happy with herself, I'd say deal with it or move on....It's up to her to decide when her weight is a priority.

 

But obviously she ISN'T happy. She whines about it all the time. But for some reason, she's stuck. I get it- been there and back, several times. It's easy to say "tomorrow, I start fresh, and this time I am going to stick to it" Not so easy to stay motivated....

 

Here's my suggestion. Forget about you in this- it isn't about you. The next time she's crying to you about her weight say something like "Honey, you know I love you no matter what, but I can't stand seeing you this unhappy with yourself. What can I do to help you achieve your goals?" Keep your focus on what SHE wants. Don't acknowledge that there's a limit for you. If backed into a corner, say "This isn't about what I want, it's about what you need to feel good about yourself" and "What I want is for you to feel confident and happy."

 

Don't be so sure she isn't depressed. People mask depression in a variety of ways. Hiding behind layers of fat is one of them. You say she is quick to anger...in my experience, anger is often borne from a sense of helplessness and futility.

 

If she talks about wanting to lose 50 pounds, suggest she focus only on losing 10, and see how she feels about that. Sometimes, it's just getting started. When you've got 50 lbs to lose, 1 pound is only 2 percent. When the goal is 10 pounds, 1 pound is 10 percent...you feel success faster and stay motivated longer when you feel like you are reaching a goal...Then after she's lost 10, she can decide if she wants to go for more

 

But do NOT let your feelings EVER become part of the conversation. Keep it on her- her health, her self-confidence, and her happiness. Tell her you know she can do it once she makes up her mind.

 

And let her tell you how she needs to be supported...

 

I hope something here helps...

[JadedStar]

Honestly it would be tough to be with ANYBODY who whines and is negative about themselves no matter what the issue is...if she is going to complain about her weight you need to nip it in the bud EVERYTIME she does it by asking her "what are you going to do about it" and if her answer is not acceptable tell her "then stop complaining". If she does have a good answer then ask her "when are you going to start"?

 

My husband does this with me - not in a harsh way but firm way - when we first got together i btched about my job a lot. I didn't realize how much i did it until he would gently remind me. He would also say "so what are you going to do to change the situation" and if i didn't have a decent answer he'd say "then stop complaining".

 

IT really hit home and sent a very strong message. You wanna btch? Then make an action plan.

[Natty7]

It's odd, but I highly agree with both Farthestedge and Jadedstar.

 

Give her a little good cop bad cop.... maybe??????

[JadedStar]

Well i don't know if i would call it good cop bad cop as much as I would call it expecting your partner to act like a grown up and not sit around complaining about things that are definitely changeable then doing nothing about it.

 

It's annoying for a partner to have to hear it all the time. They need to be reminded "hey stop being so negative all the time and if you are that miserable get off the couch and do something about it".