Mother pushing me to get prenup

[TheSmilingTurnip]

If it were me in this situation, I would be more then happy to sign a prenup to satisfy anyones curiosity. My intentions would be to marry the man, with or without his belongings becoming mine in the event of a divorce.

 

Why would anyone have a problem signing one?

 

I don't like pre-nups. My ex, at the behest of his parents, tried to get me to sign one before we married; that was just the beginning of the interference from his parents. When I divorced him, I didn't ask for anything but for him to cover his share of the debts. It's not that I wanted anything from him in the event of divorce, it is that I felt it was a statement of no confidence in the marriage and, as I said, the beginning of his parents interfering.

 

I think the young lady ought to identify exactly what her issues about the pre-nup would be. Like, for example, maybe she is worried about a divorce herself and being left penniless to raise the couple's children - she can have that addressed in the pre-nup.

 

Either that or the young man ought to stand up to his obviously domineering mother. Who the heck says to their kid, 'If you don't sign a pre-nup, I'm not coming to your wedding'? Is she more concerned about money and property than her son?

[Miss Firecracker]

I would do that if I were sure my son was marrying a gold digger. I took a car away from our son when a girl started taking advantage of him after knowing him for two weeks. I told him to take her out in an old truck instead. She didn't realize that car belonged to his mom. Oh, how funny that was.

 

Mothers can see a lot.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

I would do that if I were sure my son was marrying a gold digger. I took a car away from our son when a girl started taking advantage of him after knowing him for two weeks. I told him to take her out in an old truck instead. She didn't realize that car belonged to his mom. Oh, how funny that was.

 

Mothers can see a lot.

 

How old was your son at the time?

[Miss Firecracker]

I wish I could remember. He had just started college, living at home. The girl was from accross the street, started knocking on the door out of the blue. She was dating my son and had him taking her to school, picking her up, taking her to work. You're getting the picture. And I'd see her in the street, flirting with another guy, ignoring my son. It was very obvious to my husband and to me what she was up to.

 

She said, "I thought the car was yours." Don't know what she thought he used to buy it, working 20 hours a week.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

I wish I could remember. He had just started college, living at home. The girl was from accross the street, started knocking on the door out of the blue. She was dating my son and had him taking her to school, picking her up, taking her to work. You're getting the picture. And I'd see her in the street, flirting with another guy, ignoring my son. It was very obvious to my husband and to me what she was up to.

 

She said, "I thought the car was yours." Don't know what she thought he used to buy it, working 20 hours a week.

 

So probably 18 or 19? Can't blame you. This guy is 35. Whole different ballgame. You don't pull that kind of thing with a 35 year old.

[karvala]

I would do that if I were sure my son was marrying a gold digger. I took a car away from our son when a girl started taking advantage of him after knowing him for two weeks. I told him to take her out in an old truck instead. She didn't realize that car belonged to his mom. Oh, how funny that was.

 

Mothers can see a lot.

 

But that's the point isn't it: this is the action of someone against someone they see as a gold-digger? In that sense, you can understand the OP's mother suggesting it, if that's her view of his fiancee, but then why on earth would he want to go along with it? Does he also believe his fiancee is a gold-digger?!

[StretchGee]

But the mother seeks to protect the "grandparent's property". Even if it is real estate, this may be considered a family heirloom of sorts. Also shared by sibings. A nasty divorce lawyer can cause havoc with this property...even destroy it. So the mother seems to be in the right to try and protect this property.

 

Perhaps the stipulation that the pre-nup expires after a time would salve the wounds.

[Miss Firecracker]

But that's the point isn't it: this is the action of someone against someone they see as a gold-digger? In that sense, you can understand the OP's mother suggesting it, if that's her view of his fiancee, but then why on earth would he want to go along with it? Does he also believe his fiancee is a gold-digger?!

 

Because deep down he trusts his own mother.

[StretchGee]

But that's the point isn't it: this is the action of someone against someone they see as a gold-digger? In that sense, you can understand the OP's mother suggesting it, if that's her view of his fiancee, but then why on earth would he want to go along with it? Does he also believe his fiancee is a gold-digger?!

 

It is a possibility. The pre-nup is insurance.

 

Do you believe you house will burn down? Or do you buy insurance because your house may burn down?

[someguy69]

Update...

 

My fiancee has proposed an alternative resolution. She wants an agreement between us and my mother that identifies the grandparents property as something just between myself and my mother, and also requires that no marital income goes towards maintenance of the said property, and that rental income from the property must first go towards paying the operating expenses (taxes, utilities, mortgage payments) before my mother takes any of that income for herself (which has been a bone of contention between my mother and myself in the past).

[BeStrongBeHappy]

There is another way to handle this... you and your mother could put the joint property into an irrevocable trust, with yourself, mother, and future children as beneficiaries of the trust. and yourself and/or your mother as trustees.

 

once the money/property gets transferred into the trust, it is no longer fair game in a divorce if the fiance is not mentioned as a beneficiary in the trust. it also protects the assets from creditors etc., and means the property/assets don't have to go through probate in the event of your mother's death.

 

Simple trust are not difficult to execute at all... contact the attorney who did your mother's will, or else check online to look for how this works. the lawyer probably already has boilerplate to set this up, and you just fill in the beneficiaries, trustees, property/assets being transferred in, sign it and away you go, end of problem.

 

one small comment... perhaps your fiance's debt problems were related to the ex boyfriend, but you can't be sure that she herself doesn't have spendthrift problems and is blaming it on her ex. your fiance's 'solution' she proposed looks like she is still trying to reach in and control the money and your mother. if the agreement between your mother and yourself is NOT a trust, then legally it is not binding in terms of protecting the money in a divorce.

 

 

if your fiance is angry about putting the assets into an irrevocable trust, then that is a HUGE red flag that regardless of what she says, she intends to tap into that money and/or strip you of it in a future divorce.

 

the trust should be executed before your wedding, and the fiance doesn't have to sign anything. courts respect trusts, and if you have a lawyer execute it for you and file it, your finance doesn't have to be involved in it, and can't challenge it since she was not married to you at the time the trust was created because she is not a party to the trust. she could try to challenge a pre-nup as coerced, but not a trust where she is not party to it and they are not her assets.

 

i STRONGLY recommend you set up a trust. it would solve your problem, and protect you from any future golddigger problems, should it turn out that way.

[Miss Firecracker]

I was also concerned that her credit was ruined by another person. She seems too smart to let that happen. I wouldn't believe that story. But of course you know her better than I do.

[wiser]

I was also concerned that her credit was ruined by another person. She seems too smart to let that happen.

 

People that say "their boyfriend or husband or whoever" ruin their credit are just trying to shift the responsibility away from themselves. Even if they didnt run the charge card through the machine at the shopping mall, its the same difference.

 

Good point.

[someguy69]

She says that she was young and naive at the time. She had credit, and her boyfriend did not. They bought furniture, food, she lent him money to pay rent, and when they broke up he took the furniture and left her with all the debt.

 

I was also concerned that her credit was ruined by another person. She seems too smart to let that happen. I wouldn't believe that story. But of course you know her better than I do.

[southerngirl]

Yall can think Im a liar or whatever but I have some bad marks on my credit from my ex. I had since paid that stuff off, but because of him I was left owing alot of bills.

 

He even went to a video store that I had a membership at, and they didn't question him while we were separated and he checked out a bunch of movies.... That was charged to my credit as well.

 

It can happen.

 

 

For what its worth the trust thing seems like it could be a good idea too. If shes sincere she doesn't care about that property anyway.

[wiser]

Yall can think Im a liar or whatever but I have some bad marks on my credit from my ex. I had since paid that stuff off, but because of him I was left owing alot of bills.

 

He even went to a video store that I had a membership at, and they didn't question him while we were separated and he checked out a bunch of movies.... That was charged to my credit as well.

 

There are some things that are beyond your control. But those who protect themselves, by not having joint credit cards, or cosigning loans, wont be left holding such a big bag when things come crashing down.

 

As far as the movie rentals, I would think you have a case there. Its not your fault they let him have the movies. But it might not be worth it for what was probably a relatively small dollar amount.

[Gath]

The document doesn't have to be about keeping some gal from robbing you, it can be about setting up an equitable arrangement to divide property in the (reasonably likely) case that things don't work out. Would you rather work it out now when you two care about each other, or when you two hate each other and are using your savings to pay competing lawyers?

 

And its a naturally good time to get a will done as well.

[greenmonster]

First off...by law, I cannot give you legal advice because I'm an attorney...I can however make a sugestion to you to go seek out good legal council and look into doing the following:

 

Set up an LLC(or Series LLC if you live in a state that supports them) with your mother and transfer the property and any other assets that are in joint ownership with you and your mother to the ownership of that LLC.

 

doing so will create a barrier between those assets, which would then be designated as business assets, and your personal assets to which are bound under law to your spouse.

 

I'm not saying that its 100% impossible for her to reach those assets if things between you and her end badly, but she would have to get a pretty good attorney to get to them...especially if your mother is still living.

 

It would also be a good idea to have your brother as part of this LLC as well...the more members there are of an LLC the harder it is to "attack" those assets through a single individual.

 

Each state is different on these laws, and so its best to talk to an attorney and figure out how this works in your state.

 

Good Luck!

[FarthestEdge]

I think that if your fiancee is really in this for the long haul then it should make no difference to her to sign a prenup- it'll never come into play if you don't divorce. Also, while I agree that your mother is being somewhat manipulative, you are talking about family property. So it would show your mother a great deal of respect for your fiancee to say, "I understand this is important to you, and I'd never want you to feel I am after family assets, so I will choose to sign". When you marry a person, you marry their family, and this is not a great start for Mother/daughter-in-law relations...

 

Not only did my husband have no problem signing a prenup (we used my inheritance for the down payment on our first home), but now that my mother owns the family cottage, he has OFFERED to sign a post-marital agreement to waive any claim to the cottage as I will inherit half of it when my mother is gone. It's unnecessary, as inheritances are actually protected where I live unless they touch a marital asset, but he has offered just so my parents know he knows that no matter what, that cottage is to be kept in the family.

 

A wise person once said to me: "You know the person you are marrying, but you do NOT know the person you may be divorcing in the future" You cannot make ANY assumptions about what she MAY do if your marriage fails- nor do you actually know what you would do...

 

You're mom's approach is not the most diplomatic, and unfortunately, she has turned it into a power struggle. But that doesn't change the fact that it is still a prudent move.

 

Ask your fiancee to be the bigger person here. Her fight against it is only confirming to your mother that she is right to demand it- she see's someone who is demanding a legal right to something that isn't hers.

 

So few families are lucky enough to own property for generations. That's real roots few get to experience these days. I can't blame your mom for wanting to protect it.

 

Like I said, if your fiancee expects to be with you "till death do you part" then the prenup is what's meaningless- not your wedding vows. But giving that "gift" to your mother will go a long way towards a peaceful family future.

 

There's my 2 cents worth...good luck!

[Kiwi_Sweet]

OK, I dunno if someone else has already mentioned this to you, because I was too lazy to read everyones input (which I will, as soon as I spew this out).

 

You could make her sign an agreement stating that you will obtain all rights to your grandfathers business, in case of divorce. That would probably be the more sensible thing to do. Forget the prenuptial, she's probably not marrying you for your money. I'm sure she'd understand, because it's not only in your name.

 

If she still disagrees, then I think your family have every right to be a little upset.

 

Now, if you only YOU owned it, and your family still wanted you to get this prenuptial thing, then I she'd have every right to feel upset. But since that's not the case, then she needs to start accommodating your family a little.

[Kiwi_Sweet]

I agree with everything you said.

 

You were so clear in your writing.

 

I think he would be wise to get one, because like you said, she really doesn't have "claims" to what's not hers.

 

WELL SAID!

[someguy69]

Well, it doesn't look like my mother is going to be happy with a prenup (and/or other contract) that only protects that family asset.

 

My mother wants me to get a full prenup such that if we ever get divorced, I will be able to get back everything I had before the marriage (RRSPs, investments, etc) as our financial situations are quite unbalanced (my net worth is currently close to $200K more than hers), and she doesn't want to see my life savings depleted in the unhappy event of a divorce.

[Miss Firecracker]

Go, MOM!

 

I figured she wouldn't budge. She knows where your brains are right now.

 

Don't hate her, someguy. I'll bet there are people reading this that wish someone had looked out for them too.

[annie24]

Well, it doesn't look like my mother is going to be happy with a prenup (and/or other contract) that only protects that family asset.

 

My mother wants me to get a full prenup such that if we ever get divorced, I will be able to get back everything I had before the marriage (RRSPs, investments, etc) as our financial situations are quite unbalanced (my net worth is currently close to $200K more than hers), and she doesn't want to see my life savings depleted in the unhappy event of a divorce.

 

well, what do you think you should do? and maybe consider having a conversation with your lawyer or financial advisor about this. someone with more of a level head than your mom.

 

what i do like about the idea of a prenup is that if things go wrong, there won't be hours and hours of fighting over forks and spoons and stupid stuff. my friend is a lawyer and told me she spent months helping a low-income couple negotiate the divorce - they spent 2 WEEKS alone just haggling over their bed!!! (If i got divorced, i would want a fresh new bed to sleep in without any bad juju.) that sort of thing, it's the lawyers who win, not the couple. I like the idea of just drawing up a document, so that if things do go sour, things have already been predetermined, and you can just collect what you agreed to, and move on with your lives....

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Well, it doesn't look like my mother is going to be happy with a prenup (and/or other contract) that only protects that family asset.

 

My mother wants me to get a full prenup such that if we ever get divorced, I will be able to get back everything I had before the marriage (RRSPs, investments, etc) as our financial situations are quite unbalanced (my net worth is currently close to $200K more than hers), and she doesn't want to see my life savings depleted in the unhappy event of a divorce.

 

I'm sorry, but you are 35 years old, and while a pre-nup might be a good idea, she has no right to try and FORCE you to get one. She only has the right to hold sway over what she has a direct interest in.

 

What are YOUR thoughts about all this? Do YOU want a pre-nup? Because this is up to you, not your mom.

 

And honestly, she is interfering big time. If I were your fiancee, I'd think twice about getting involved with a family like that if good boundaries were not in place.