Mother pushing me to get prenup

[someguy69]

I need some advice / opinions here please

 

I'm less than a month away from getting married, and my mother has started putting major pressure on me to get a prenuptial agreement with my fiancee, to the point of not only refusing to go the wedding if we do not get one, but pretty much cutting me out of her will (she changed her will to leave everything she was leaving to me to my [future] children instead).

 

Her reasoning is that she wants to protect her family assets (and my younger brother). I co-own my deceased grandparent's property with her, and she wants to make sure that in case of divorce, my wife wouldn't have any claim to it, or any other assets owned by my mother.

 

My fiancee believes that a prenuptial agreement renders the wedding vows meaningless ("all that I am, all that I have, I give to you"), and thereforeeee makes the marriage meaningless. She also feels that giving into the demands of my mother will set a very bad precedent for the rest of our marriage.

 

Please help!

[Killasasparilla]

Personally, I think that you should go along with your mother on this one.

[melrich]

OK if you co-own some assets with your mother I can somewhat understand her position.

 

I can also understand where your wife is coming from.

 

Why not look at a legal agreement that goes only to the assets your mother part owns and addresses only your mother's interest?

[RayKay]

I can see your mothers side if she is concerned about the property to be honest. It's not like it is all yours to give, it is your family's and I am sure your grandparents intended it to go to family - not be bickered over in a divorce by exes!

 

Personally, I don't see why a prenup makes the vows "meaningless" in any sense.......it is about the assets you are bringing in before or after marriage, and if you put meaning into the vows you will never NEED to use the prenup anyway so what is the worry? I am a little worried she would consider marriage "meaningless" with a prenup to be honest; seems like an odd statement!

 

I can see her worries about the pressure from your mom - but this is about the property that your family owns together and has been passed down, whether you were married to her or not, and a prenup can deal strictly with that and nothing else if you wanted - seems fair to me, doesn't it? I think that is more than fair given it is your family's property and is co-owned.

 

I certainly would sign one...not because I think we will need it but because most people when they get married don't think they will ever be in that situation and they are. Furthermore, to me it is also a statement saying I AM in this for the right reasons because I have no interest in that property/assets aside from what we set out in the prenup.

 

I am curious, does your mom have concerns about this woman overall and that is why she is more concerned?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

OK if you co-own some assets with your mother I can somewhat understand her position.

 

I can also understand where your wife is coming from.

 

Why not look at a legal agreement that goes only to the assets your mother part owns and addresses only your mother's interest?

 

 

I am with Melrich on this one. With the divorce rate so high, I think a prenup is actually very important. It doesn't cheapen the vows at all....you can be both romantic and pragmatic...one doesn't preclude the other.

[moxi_crimefighter]

i have to agree with melrich that sound like a really good way to reach a common ground with everyone!

[southerngirl]

I am going to be one more voice (typed word) that agrees.

 

Sign a prenup that only deals with said property and if she is with you 100 % for the right reasons I do not see whys he should have a problem with this.

 

It does not make anything meaningless. I really can see where they would be concerned if there should be family assets being fought over.

[Batya33]

Melrich and Raykay are right on target. I have an irrational romantic side to me that is anti-prenup but I also know I would not want any part of my (hypothetical!) husband's assets that he brought into the marriage. what we buy together, etc and child support and the like is a different matter. I don't believe when you marry you agree to give all you own financially/materialistically to your spouse.

[melrich]

husband's assets that he brought into the marriage.

 

This seems to be in the USA the one thing that is significantly different to financial settlements here.

 

After 5 years of marriage here, the assets of the couple (pre-owned or attained during the marriage) are pretty much treated the same.

 

There can be some discretionary allowance (say if one partner came in with $20m and the other came in with nothing) but if was just, say, a single property that one partner came into the marriage with it would be included in the division of assets.

[jmantra]

I agree with everyone here...

 

I see a prenup as a nescessary evil these days though I don't think it makes your vows meaningless.

 

People can be pretty selfish and vicious when it comes to divorce, so it's good to have it just in case.

 

Though I do find quite rude of your mother to threaten to cut you off if you don't do what she wants, sounds quite manipulative. if my mom would have said something like that to me, I would have stood up to her and said "go right ahead, I have my lovely wife, I'll be just fine without you"

[someguy69]

She left a voice mail saying that she was at her lawyer's and made that change to her will. She also said in her message that she will do the same to my brother if he gets married.

 

I agree with everyone here...

Though I do find quite rude of your mother to threaten to cut you off if you don't do what she wants, sounds quite manipulative. if my mom would have said something like that to me, I would have stood up to her and said "go right ahead, I have my lovely wife, I'll be just fine without you"

[Lana0120]

I can see it from both sides. I can see why your mother would want to protect her assets, but I can also see your fiancee's point of view that it's your mother calling the shots and that she could keep threatening to cut you out of her will if you don't bow to her wishes, which could drive a wedge between you two and lead to the collapse of the marriage later on.

 

I think it's justified that your mother wants to leave the money to your future children instead if there is no pre-nuptial, but that she shouldn't be using threats like this and overshadowing what should be a happy event in your lives. It's a difficult one, but unless you're heavily dependent on her financially, I don't see why you can't just tell her to go ahead with her plans, but that you still want her to come to the wedding and that the day won't be the same unless she's a part of it.

 

At the end of the day, you didn't say YOU wanted the pre-nuptial agreement. Just that your mother did. Do what you want to do and what you think feels right.

[southerngirl]

Does she have any reason to distrust your new wife?

[RayKay]

Does she have any reason to distrust your new wife?

 

Yes, you did not answer my question about that either!

[wiser]

OP, your mom is a smart woman.

 

No one gets married thinking they will eventually divorce. More often than not, they do. You and your future wife are no more special then the rest of the couples who marry. The odds are the same for you.

 

Just do it. You can put all the blame on your mom so your soon to be wife will not hold it against you.

[someguy69]

She has a bad mark on her credit from debt racked up by an ex-boyfriend six years ago. She has paid all these debts off, but the bad mark remains for a little while yet.

 

Does she have any reason to distrust your new wife?

[Miss Firecracker]

Looks like this girl is very concerned about the money. I'd get the prenuptial. There is no way on earth I'd marry anyone without one after the MANY horror stories I've heard. If she's not willing to marry you because you are cautious, then let her find someone else.

 

Yah, MOM!

[DN]

The only wedding vows that are enforceable in a court of law after a divorce are the ones that have to do with money and property.

 

All the others can be broken - especially the one about "until death do us part".

 

The divorce rate is near 50% - the vast majority of those people never thought they would get divorced. Especially the ones who didn't get a pre-nup. Just ask Paul McCartney.

 

If you are going to get one do it now. Courts look askance at pre-nups that are signed close to the wedding - it looks like someone was pressured to sign against their better judgment.

[Aleadragonhawk]

Melrich offered a great compromise. Like everyone else, I can see where your mother is coming from, but I can also see where your future wife is coming from. A prenuptial by definition shows a lack of faith in the relationship, and as logical as that lack of faith may be given divorce rates, the prenuptial agreement will always be an contingency plan.

[annie24]

i agree with all the others - cover the property in the prenup, will make everyone happy, and i don't think it's an unreasonable request.

 

i believe in doing a prenup, and then putting it in a drawer, and hoping you never have to use it again. paul mccartney is definitely going through a mess!

 

when my parents, my dad made my mom sign a prenup, which she thought was funny, because she made 3x the money he did. she said she was mildy offended, but signed it anyways, and they never had to use it (he passed first).

[karvala]

I am going to be the dissenting voice here, although it really depends on the details of the proposed pre-nup. If it is one that just says that anything your mother currently part-owns, she will continue to part-own to the same extent in the event of your divorce, then fine, I can see her point, but to my understanding that would be the case anyway (it certainly would in the UK, and I would be surprised if it were different in the US to the extent that in a divorce a third party's property rights are suddenly compromised), and does not require a pre-nup at all.

 

If, on the other hand, the pre-nup says that in the event of a divorce, however long it will be in the future, your fiancee will not get any share of your original assets, then I agree with your fiancee, it shows (1) that your mother can manipulate you (and if you give in to pressure on this, what else will she ask for? And what is your property to do with her?), and (2) that you are silently agreeing with your mom's implied opinion that your fiancee is a gold-digger. In other words, regardless of whether or not it is fair, and even whether or not it is sensible, it is IMO a gesture of remarkably bad faith at a time when the focus should be on making a commitment for the future and emphasising togetherness, not putting your life jacket on so when it's time to bail, it's "I'm alright, Jack".

[TheSmilingTurnip]

She has a bad mark on her credit from debt racked up by an ex-boyfriend six years ago. She has paid all these debts off, but the bad mark remains for a little while yet.

 

Why on God's green earth does your mom even know about that? I hope that you didn't share it with her after finding out from your fiancee. It is none of your mother's business.

 

Your mom has a point about the property that she has an interest in. Beyond that, forget it.

 

The bit about refusing to go to the wedding if you don't do it? Wrong. That's insulting to both of you. Your fiancee's right about that one; if you give in now about anything other than the property that your mom has an interest in, then that does set a dangerous precedent for future interference.

[someguy69]

It came out because I am in the process of buying a property for us, and my fiancee was not able to participate (i.e. we would not have gotten approved for the mortgage with my fiancee as a co-applicant).

 

When I was discussing the property with my mother, she asked if my fiancee was on the mortgage, and when I said no, she asked why, and I was caught off guard without a good answer, so I regretfully let it slip.

 

Why on God's green earth does your mom even know about that? I hope that you didn't share it with her after finding out from your fiancee. It is none of your mother's business.

[StretchGee]

I am going to be the dissenting voice here, although it really depends on the details of the proposed pre-nup. If it is one that just says that anything your mother currently part-owns, she will continue to part-own to the same extent in the event of your divorce, then fine, I can see her point, but to my understanding that would be the case anyway (it certainly would in the UK, and I would be surprised if it were different in the US to the extent that in a divorce a third party's property rights are suddenly compromised), and does not require a pre-nup at all.

 

Maybe true. But if is property, the ex can ask for appreciation and the value of the property and force the Mom to sell or have to "buy out" the ex-wife.

[doyathink]

If it were me in this situation, I would be more then happy to sign a prenup to satisfy anyones curiosity. My intentions would be to marry the man, with or without his belongings becoming mine in the event of a divorce.

 

Why would anyone have a problem signing one?