That which is unforgivable

[Fritz The Cat]

All relationships depend on avoiding the unforgivable to survive. What do you consider to be unforgivable? What would make you unconditionally end a relationship?

 

I'm curious to hear how for you'll go when you really love someone.

[Jayar]

Marriage? Cheating of any kind (including emotional) and abuse (either physical or emotional). I've also got even less tolerance in a dating relationship... I've ended relationships for considerably small reasons, compared to what some people seem to tolerate.

[shes2smart]

Cheating would be (and has been) a deal breaker for me. If my SO is looking to others for attention/affection/sex behind my back, there's a problem...and the solution isn't going to be found in some other woman's bed.

 

What I find most objectionable in that scenario is the lying and deception, and not necessarily the "sex with others" part. Lying and deception destroy trust...and with no trust there is no relationship.

[Cimmie]

Cheating. I've put up with abuse in the past, not sure I would again. I'm still working on that. But cheating was an absolute dealbreaker. Cheating means there is no longer a relationship, and someone has taken a unilateral decision about that, without notifying the other person. People who cheat are the scum of the earth.

[tiredofvampires]

All relationships depend on avoiding the unforgivable to survive.

 

I agree with this statement to some degree, but believe it needs to be qualified a bit. All relationships also depend on greeting the "unforgiveable" and exploring whether forgiveness is possible to survive.

 

Something we may think now would be unforgiveable, given the response and remorse, and the circumstances surrounding the incident would make a lot of difference to me.

 

My dealbreakers: finding out my significant other committed a felonious crime...discovering ANY crucial lie that had been covered up...physical abuse...(emotional abuse, hmm...that's tougher as the edges are fuzzy, and I am still working on defining my boundaries around that one, since it's likely people will at some point in the relationship do things that are wounding, but it's safe to say that any regular dismissing of my feelings, yelling and shutting me up, name-calling or other put-downs are unacceptable)...discovering my partner is gay or actively bisexual (since they will always be unhappy sexually with me or unsatisfied, even if they wanted to keep our family intact)...finding out that my partner is in love with someone else.

 

I use the last phrase instead of "cheating", because I believe there are many levels of cheating, and while all of them are pretty awful to go through, some would, as I said at the beginning, leave me possibly wanting to see if I can forgive. For instance, if my SO had some fling that was about meaningless sex, and told me about it fairly soon, I would be grateful that they'd told me and if they could convince me that this was a HUGE mistake they'd made and that this person was not someone they had feelings for in any significant way, and they could tell me how this wouldn't happen again, I would have to go with the love they show me and the rest of our relationship. If the relationship is strong in many ways, but weak in a few that led to this, I'd want us to get counseling to explore how this happened, and what went wrong where. I do believe that this liberalness comes from my acknowledgement that though I believe myself to be very loyal with a strong sense of conscience, I am not infalliable myself, and human weakness has to be accounted for. MOST decades-long relationships survived despite an infidelity -- that is what the statistics say. Now a one-shot deal about pure sex is different from a repeat pattern of this, and that is also different from a long-standing affair that is discovered, which was covered up. That is something I don't think I could get past or repair. I think if I found out my SO had an extracurricular affair, the no-go point for me would be if he was in love with the other woman besides me. And especially if he'd lied about it. That is beyond repair, for me, with trust that could never be mended, and I wouldn't even want to try.

[theartofruin]

I presume we're not including crimes like murder?!?

 

The only thing I couldn't work on is cheating. I think everything else, even if it really hurt or upset me at the time, is fixable. I don't like giving up, so it would have to be something major for me to end things.

[3boys]

I like the way you put that. I think I could also "deal" with a one time fling, but anything more than twice or anything emotional would be a deal breaker.

 

The other thing would definitely be physical abuse. I've only ever been hit once by an ex (and he became that the minute he raised his hand).

 

Let me also add if I found out they had sexually abused any of my kids. A girl I went to high school with had put up with years of abuse and cheating from her (now ex-)husband. When she found out he had touched one of THEIR (yes, he was the bio father), that was it for her.

[Aleadragonhawk]

For me abuse is the big one. I've been abused before (I've even got the trifactor), and there's no way that I'm going back there. Cheating is something that I very firmly don't believe in, but after getting married I've had to reevaluate my stance on cheating. I don't know if I'd leave or not, but I do know that I would try to make the relationship work, because I do love my husband and I believe that marriage is a lifelong commitment.

 

Oh, and this one might be a little weird, but cruelty to animals is something that I can't stand. I still cry at kids movies when the puppy gets kicked.

[WaterIsLife]

 

Oh, and this one might be a little weird, but cruelty to animals is something that I can't stand. I still cry at kids movies when the puppy gets kicked.

 

I don't think this is weird at all! I think how someone treats animals says a lot about a person's soul.

[MissyM]

It's hard to say exactly, but I think that an actual Sexual affair would be the only unforgiveable thing (excluding any form of abuse or violence). I think other things can be talked through and worked through, but deceit is definitely unforgivable.

I could forgive a drunken kiss and maybe at a push (and a lot of time) a one night stand, but I suppose it's a different matter when it actually happens.

I feel in my heart of hearts that men are not meant to be monogamous. It's just not how they're put together.

[FarthestEdge]

Abusing my child would be the only absolute dealbreaker for me. Everything else would depend entirely on the circumstances surrounding it, and my belief in our ability, desire and willingness to recover from it. I married him for better or for worse, and I wouldn't walk away without fighting to save it- unless he recklessly, and willfully damaged our child.

 

Which I know he'd never do.

[theartofruin]

I feel in my heart of hearts that men are not meant to be monogamous. It's just not how they're put together.

 

That's how I feel about women.

[MissyM]

That's how I feel about women.

 

I wasn't meaning it to be derogatory, maybe I should have said human beings are not meant to be monogamous. Thinking about it, I don't think they are! men or women!

[Fritz The Cat]

I wasn't meaning it to be derogatory, maybe I should have said human beings are not meant to be monogamous. Thinking about it, I don't think they are! men or women!

 

While this is true, we all have an obligation to our children to give them the very best start in life we can. When one walks away from a family for selfish and/or misguided reasons, they are the ones to pay. And often, they, and society in general pay a horrible price. But of course, mom and dad never see it as their fault. Adults can, after all, justify anything.

[turnaroundmyway]

I wasn't meaning it to be derogatory, maybe I should have said human beings are not meant to be monogamous. Thinking about it, I don't think they are! men or women!

 

I believe monogamy is a choice you make as a sign of commitment and love to someone. This is what makes it so powerful. Humans have choice, for the most part, as to how they react in situations. Cheating just means you have no control over your own actions or respect for you significant other. Blaming your humanity is a sign of weakness and selfishness. Just my opinion...

[ghost69]

lying which i think includes cheating. kicking me in the balls on purpose. verbal/emotional and physical abuse. that would kill it for me.

[amtjrtcet]

cheating in any form, and abuse in any form.

[RayKay]

I believe monogamy is a choice you make as a sign of commitment and love to someone. This is what makes it so powerful. Humans have choice, for the most part, as to how they react in situations. Cheating just means you have no control over your own actions or respect for you significant other. Blaming your humanity is a sign of weakness and selfishness. Just my opinion...

 

Agreed! Absolutely. I would never get involved with someone whom believed we were designed to cheat, thereforeeee they could not choose or something like that!

 

Bleh!

 

It is a choice - you make it or you don't. But if you make it...stick to it!

 

Anyway, my dealbreakers:

 

-Cheating (goes hand in hand with overall dishonesty etc).

-Abuse (any form)

-Other major character issues or serious "defects" of character - finding out they had committed certain crimes for example (sexual assault, child abuse) that would show they were not whom they had pretended to be, or created major sources of mistrust or general lack of respect for them based on the circumstances (or fear).

 

To be honest though, this is why I tend to screen quite carefully early on and don't let red flags "slip by" - many of these things above are related to character and personality and can be evident (even if not OBVIOUS) early on.

 

There are people I would not START dating (or end as soon as I found them out) for example based red flags that would indicate a propensity to those things above like seeing them treating others (waitresses, family members) horribly, being overall shady, trying to exert control over me & restrict me, being overly critical of myself or others.......

[MissyM]

Just for the record - I didn't say we were designed to cheat, I said I don't think it's nature's way for us to be monogamous (ie if we were never in a relationship, we would never be cheating). That said, it's true that we do have a choice and if you choose to be in a relationship, you choose monogamy. It still doesn't make it natural to be with one person for the rest of your life, it's just a choice you make. I've never cheated and have no intention of doing so, but I don't think that I am unjustified in what I said further up the page.

[anggrace]

I might be able to get over cheating (of any kind) if it only happened once. But two or three times and I seriously doubt I could ever trust that person again. I would however be able to forgive them in time, even if we weren't together.

 

I also agree that if someone used physical violence towards me, intentionally hitting me, I would not tolerate it.

[anggrace]

I believe monogamy is a choice you make as a sign of commitment and love to someone. This is what makes it so powerful. Humans have choice, for the most part, as to how they react in situations. Cheating just means you have no control over your own actions or respect for you significant other. Blaming your humanity is a sign of weakness and selfishness. Just my opinion...

 

Agree!!!! We make those choices!

[Cimmie]

I forgave my ex for his initial bout of cheating. It was when he sent me an email on Christmas eve last telling me that the affair was back on and that he'd been lying to me all the time about that (and his crocodile tears and remorse) -- that was unforgivable to me. I cut contact immediately and will never have contact with him again.

 

I so bitterly regret wasting my youth on that faithless piece of trash.

[Luke Skywalker]

I'm sort of funny in a way that I would tend to think while 'officially' I may forgive her for cheating, I think that my trust would be shattered and I would lose all respect for the woman - because she has no respect for me to have cheated. How can you respect someone who has no respect for you?

[Fritz The Cat]

Can you stay in a relationship with someone for whom you have no respect? How long would it last?

[mrmaximum]

For me, cheating in any form. I’ve been there, done that, and body surfed that concert and I simply refuse to go through that again, the aftermath I mean. As far as I’m concerned there will be NO reconciliation. Another is being treated like a doormat. I resigned from the position of Personal Throw Rug a long time ago. I found the pay was horrible with little to no job satisfaction!! To be treated as if my needs and wants are meaningless as compared to your own. I guess this comes back to the throw rug position again. Lastly; to be ignored constantly when I’m attempting to communicate my issues with the relationship. Some people brought up legal matters and I agree, that’s a heave-ho right from the jump as soon as that info is disclosed. To me that goes with out saying so I’m only briefly speaking about it here.