Debate

[Cheeky Charmer]

Hey all,

 

2 things:

 

I was having a debate at work with some people today. I was saying, but was completely shouted down in doing so, that if a guy buys a girl a drink in a bar/club within moments of meeting her, it shows two things: 1) Weakness.. This can give out the wrong impression and make you seem like a push over. 2) Obvious that you're only after one thing.

If a guy comes over and offers to buy you a drink, you know it's for one reason. He wants to chat you up. He doesn't want a platonic friendship. He wants a number at the very least. Equally, it can show him to be weak and easily dominated. Girls may think 'well if nothing else it's a free drink. If he's stupid enough to buy us drinks all night, why not let him?'

 

Secondly, I was saying the best way to attract a girl is not to buy her a drink. If she asks say 'no, I'm a modern man. I believe the girl should buy the 1st drink'. Show that, yes, you want to talk to her, but you won't be bullied. You have plenty of survival power to converse without having to compensate by buying drinks for her.

 

Any thoughts?

[someguy88]

I'll buy a woman a drink just because that's proper etiquette imo. I don't think they're obligated to have a conversation or give me their number by doing so...I mean, what's $5 anyways?

[jettison]

You can change this to be anything you'd like it to be. You could buy a woman a drink and the verbage that follows will always change the meaning. You have the opportunity to put her at ease, and show her you're confident or else put her off, and show her that you're clueless. The drink is merely a vehicle for your display, and an excuse.

 

The ice-breaker never makes the conversation.

[love4life]

I disagree with #1. I wouldn't call it weakness, I'd say that it's just your classic case of "Man chases woman".

 

As for #2, I wouldn't give a guy the time of day if he came up and asked me to buy him a drink - I'd find that incredibly rude.

 

The way I see it is: the guy wants to speak to a woman (the end goal - get a number, take her home, etc - is irrelevant). By buying her a drink the woman is obligated (if she's polite) to converse with him at least for the length of time it takes her to finish the drink.

 

Now, if a guy is smart and knows how to save a buck, he'll strike up a conversation FIRST. If she seems interested THEN he should buy her a drink.

 

Come to think of it, whenever a man has simply offered to buy me a drink without talking to me first makes him look a little desperate as well as foolish. I've actually often turned this sort of offer down because it feels to me like he's pressuring me to spend some time with him; it's a bit presumptuous, actually.

 

Hmm...good thread, it's gotten me thinking about this sort of thing...

[rootcause43]

You can change this to be anything you'd like it to be. You could buy a woman a drink and the verbage that follows will always change the meaning. You have the opportunity to put her at ease, and show her you're confident or else put her off, and show her that you're clueless. The drink is merely a vehicle for your display, and an excuse.

 

The ice-breaker never makes the conversation.

 

Best post of the day on any thread. IMHO

[jettison]

If you're really smart, you'll buy her a Shirley Temple.

 

If you walk up to the bar, stand next to the lady, and then tell the bar tender (loud enough so the woman can hear you) : I'd like to buy the lady here a drink. Two Shirley Temples please. Make hers a double.

 

Then, look the woman straight in the eye, and with absolute earnestness, say: I hope you can handle it.

 

If this doesn't get you at least a smile then you've done it wrong.

[tiredofvampires]

Secondly, I was saying the best way to attract a girl is not to buy her a drink. If she asks say 'no, I'm a modern man. I believe the girl should buy the 1st drink'.

 

I don't go to bars often, and when I do it's usually for a concert, not to hang much or drink. But I have been approached in different ways when I do go, and I have to tell you, please, please, please, if you get nothing else from these boards, hear me that this is probably going to be the biggest bomb ever if you go ahead with it. No offense. As much as I can get on board with you about the concept, there is an almost resentful and challenging edge to it. It says, "I've been made a fool of for too long, am no pushover, and whaddaya think of them apples? Your turn, I'm fed up with the status quo!" It reflects an immediate issue that you have with something, though a woman wouldn't be able to put her finger on just what. It is even slightly rude, with a bit of a demanding tone. ("Buy me the first drink, I'm a modern man, after all!") I would laugh this off as even weaker than the poor guy who just gets up the gumption to start a conversation with the offer to buy a drink. It's like you are trying to hard to use some clever tactic or something.

 

Hope that wasn't too harsh, I just wanted to warn you not to try that unless you are doing for experimental purposes only.

 

I do agree though that a man who sidles up to me immediately with the offer to buy me a drink is immediately on my "no way" list. I know it's sort of bar convention if you like someone, but I just know that this is a very overt way of driving towards more. I know the routine so well, it makes me, as a woman, feel a bit like the fool. As another poster said, that it's a bit presumptuous, and if I accept, I am tacitly putting myself in the position from that first drink of, "Okay, here's my phone number." Everything in between is just padding. I know his motives.

 

Here is what I think a classy guy does, or at least the ones that I have felt more open to. HE DOESN'T OFFER TO BUY ME A DRINK, PERIOD. He just talks to me. He finds a way to be near enough to me to strike up an unassuming conversation. This really cannot be faked, so my giving you advice to behave this way is already a bit anathema to not be conniving, lol. But it's true for me -- talk, the conversation, is what makes or breaks the deal, and the drink always seems like a ploy to me. If we are chatting for a while, though, and he says, "Hey -- I'm getting a drink, would you like one?" that is perfectly gentlemanly, and will usually get a gracious affirmative and thank you from me. See, it's a whole different dynamic this way. He's not trying to be strong, he's not worried about looking weak, he's just being him and is not a cad, so he's offering to buy me a drink since we are engaged in talking and getting thirsty.

 

Edit: if a girl ASKS you to buy her a drink, I don't think that's very classy either, and I'd buy her one to be a gentleman, but after that I'd wind down the interchange, frankly.

[Jeffrey2095]

Great post, totally agree!

 

Jeffr

[Batya33]

I think TOV is so on target and you should print out what she wrote and memorize it - on all points.

 

And, I also would prefer that the man just talk to me - no drinks. I don't want to feel obligated to stick around and my limit is half a glass of wine or half a beer so I'd feel badly for not finishing an alcoholic drink. I guess I'd feel ok about ordering a sparkling water or soda - it's cheaper and I don't have to "finish" it.

[jettison]

TOS talks a big game, but it's not true. I met TOS at a bar actually. I came up to her, bought her a G&T, and then within a few hours we were back at my place having an all night Scrabble marathon, drunk off of our butts on peppermint Schnapps. If anyone can think of a great word to employ using z, 3 i's, 2 u's, and e then let me know. Vamps won. I spent most of the rest of the night crying about it, acting passive aggressive, and demanding more rematches. It was embarrasing.

 

I actually posted about it on ENA that night. Seriously, just do a search for it if you didn't read it. It was a serious blow to my intellectual manhood. So basically, the moral of the story is to be careful about your drink gifts, and only attempt to get a woman drunk if you're pretty confident that she can't spell.

[tiredofvampires]

If you're really smart, you'll buy her a Shirley Temple.

 

That will certainly get you everywhere.

[tiredofvampires]

If you're really smart, you'll buy her a Shirley Temple.

 

If you walk up to the bar, stand next to the lady, and then tell the bar tender (loud enough so the woman can hear you) : I'd like to buy the lady here a drink. Two Shirley Temples please. Make hers a double.

 

Then, look the woman straight in the eye, and with absolute earnestness, say: I hope you can handle it.

.

 

Oh, wait -- you have to make sure you specify to the bartender, "Two VIRGIN Shirley Temples!" Since that is how you order that drink.

[tiredofvampires]

I think TOV is so on target and you should print out what she wrote and memorize it - on all points.

 

And, I also would prefer that the man just talk to me - no drinks. I don't want to feel obligated to stick around and my limit is half a glass of wine or half a beer so I'd feel badly for not finishing an alcoholic drink. I guess I'd feel ok about ordering a sparkling water or soda - it's cheaper and I don't have to "finish" it.

 

Right on! Actually, those clubs get hot sometimes, I'll have the Aquafina, if offered anything (and usually, even if I'm buying for myself; when I say "thirsty", I actually mean THIRSTY!) I'm such a cheap "hit" that way. har har.

[tiredofvampires]

OMG!!!!! TOS? Must you bring this debacle up, Jetts? Thanks a lot for blowing my cover! Yes, my evil twin -- she has done some very questionable things in the past, before the lessons of that night. But....wasn't that Monopoly?? Uh oh. Are you sure? I thought the showdown was on Boardwalk, and you threw the money in the air -- no? Dang shnapps!!!!!! Wait, wasn't it raspberry amaretto? This is my precise argument for Aquafina!

 

The crying, though, did make me want to give you another chance, I know I remember that much.

[jettison]

OMG!!!!! TOS? Must you bring this debacle up, Jetts? Thanks a lot for blowing my cover! Yes, my evil twin -- she has done some very questionable things in the past, before the lessons of that night. But....wasn't that Monopoly?? Uh oh. Are you sure? I thought the showdown was on Boardwalk, and you threw the money in the air -- no? Dang shnapps!!!!!! Wait, wasn't it raspberry amaretto? This is my precise argument for Aquafina!

 

The crying, though, did make me want to give you another chance, I know I remember that much.

 

TOS = Tired of Scrabble. If you drank so much that you couldn't even remember that much then I don't know what else to say.

[tiredofvampires]

Not! I am NOT tired of Scrabble! That is so untrue. I love Scrabble, I live for Scrabble. I'll do Scrabble with you any day again, just watch me.

 

Spelling good is my forte in any relationship.

 

(And grammer is a close second.)

 

Just keep the Shirley Temples coming.

 

[my sincerest apologies to the OP for this digression.]

[ghost69]

i never buy a girl a drink. unless it's my girl.