Idocsteve Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 I've been seeing this woman for just over 3 months. She tells me she loves me, quite frequently, and is hurt and disappointed when I don't say it back to her. She now tells me that after this amount of time, I should "feel it in my heart". She says I will say it when "I'm ready", but she wants to be able to say it to me...so she does...and after she says it she looks at me, waiting, and says, "I told you I love you". If I don't say it back, then it's guilt trip time. If I say it, it's more like I'm saying it grudgingly, as in, "ok I said it now get off my back". I like her, I'm attracted to her, there is chemistry for sure, but I can't say that it's love. Does that mean there's a problem? Link to comment
Atticus90 Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 Let her know you aren't ready. Would she rather you lie to her just because she wants you to say it or would she rather you wait til you really start to feel it. She sounds like a controlling type girl. Link to comment
ggg Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 I told my gf of 5 months that I loved her and she was silent. I was upset at first, but after some help here at ENA, I feel better. I don't guilt trip her because I'd rather her say it when she's ready and when she feels it, rather that just "parroting" it back. It is a sticky situation... she really should have the respect to just not say it anymore until you are ready to reciprocate. Perhaps there are other ways you can show that you care deeply for her? My gf sent me an e-mail saying "I heart you" which I basically took as an I love you... why on earth she can't come to grips with the word "love" is really beyond me, but I respect her choice. Link to comment
Dako Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 It doesn't mean anything if it's coerced. Link to comment
Portage Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 Is this your first relationship since your separation? Link to comment
Idocsteve Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 She sounds like a controlling type girl. You got that right. Look for my next post.."rules" she requests that I follow...everything from sitting next to her in the booth at the restaurant, to keeping all the Hallmark cards she gave me on the frige...to facing her while I'm sleeping. I compromised on the first two. The last one is over the line. Link to comment
Zackinlaw Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 I think saying "I love you" in a new relationship has a more symbolic meaning rather than it's true meaning. When someone says "I love you" after knowing you only 2 or 3 weeks, obviously it isn't love ... you're essentially still a stranger and it's infatuation at most. Back to the symbolic meaning ... when she says "I love you" she probably means "I'm crazy about you, I want you to be my boyfriend and be exclusive with me." and by saying it back, you re just saying "I feel the same." Zack. Link to comment
LadyBrandon Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 You got that right. Look for my next post.."rules" she requests that I follow...everything from sitting next to her in the booth at the restaurant, to keeping all the Hallmark cards she gave me on the frige...to facing her while I'm sleeping. I compromised on the first two. The last one is over the line. If I were you I would run to the highest hills and never look back. With that said, I didn't feel anything for my ex-bf until 8 months into the relationship. Link to comment
heloladies21 Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 The only reason she keeps asking for these types of reassurances like you telling her you love her is because she doesn't feel like you fully care for her. And I understand better than anyone that you can't control how you feel about her, but make sure you know this: If you don't eventually open up to her and show her that you care about her, she will lose interest in you. Link to comment
Idocsteve Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 Is this your first relationship since your separation? Nope. My third, since I moved out in December of last year. Link to comment
Zackinlaw Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 she requests that I follow...everything from sitting next to her in the booth at the restaurant, to keeping all the Hallmark cards she gave me on the frige...to facing her while I'm sleeping. Does she have OCD, Atticus? Link to comment
Idocsteve Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 I was going to post this as a separate thread, but what the heck... The following is the list of rules for me, that she has come up with during this time. She does not live with me, by the way. 1) When she says "I love you" I must say "I love you" back. 2) In a restaurant, sit next to each other in a booth, rather than accross, or keep chairs close if its a table. 3) Walk next to each other at all times. No going on the other side of parked cars. 4) No responding to emails on POF or link removed, but it's ok to keep our accounts active just to see who might find us attractive. 5) Face each other when sleeping, no rolling over. 6) No cumming until we make love even if its great oral sex. This rule only applies to me because I usually can not get hard again that night after an orgasm. 7) Expect phone calls or texts at least every 2 hours, respond to voice mails as soon as humanly possible. If 5 voicemails accumulate before I can return a call, expect that retribution will be intense. 8 ) Keep all the "I love you" greeting cards on the refrigerator in my apartment- buy more magnets as needed 9) Clean dishes and silverware immediately after use. 10) Keep apartment tidy at all times. 11) No items behind sink especially plants. 12) No loud coffee slurping. 13) No joking about other women including having a threesome, or liking someone else better than her, or commenting on their physical attributes. Link to comment
Portage Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 Nope. My third, since I moved out in December of last year. Okay never mind then. My comment becomes nil and void since this certainly is not a rebound relationship. Do what makes you happy. Someone asking me to do something usually makes me want to do the opposite. I still have trouble breaking that pattern in my 30's. Oh well. Good luck lol Link to comment
RayKay Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 I am curious how she defines love when she still puts herself out as single on singles sites. My impression - she is very insecure, and is looking for love to "fulfill" herself - I think that you are going to find that if you take this relationship further these insecurities are going to cause more trouble than feeling hurt you don't say "love you" back. Three months is still VERY early, and I think she is in love with idea of love; and not really understanding of what love really is. Link to comment
Idocsteve Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 I think saying "I love you" in a new relationship has a more symbolic meaning rather than it's true meaning. When someone says "I love you" after knowing you only 2 or 3 weeks It's 3 MONTHS not 3 weeks. Link to comment
Idocsteve Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 I am curious how she defines love when she still puts herself out as single on singles sites. Because she likes the responses she gets. She's not doing it to meet other guys. My impression - she is very insecure That's pretty much a given at this point. I think she is in love with idea of love; and not really understanding of what love really is. Agreed. I have had this talk with her, about her using the word "love" rather indiscrinately. So she got me another Hallmark card with all the definitions of "love on it". Just what I needed, another card. Link to comment
RayKay Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 Sorry, but this is SCARY. You have been with her 3 months and she is telling you how to clean your house? And how to keep greeting cards? And how to drink your coffee? How to fricking SLEEP? I have been with my partner 3 YEARS and we LIVE together and I don't do that, and I would not do it after 30 years either. This is controlling, CRAZY behaviour. And NOT what partnership, relationships or love are about. Alright, I agree joking about other women is tactless (and IMO so are the dating sites), but as for everything else...she is trying to also control your personal habits, and so forth and that is just ALARMING. HOLY CRAP, RUN RUN RUN! I am amazed you haven't already. This is FRIGHTENING. She is treating you like a DOG - I mean it; I mean come on, she dictates where you can sit and how you walk with her? Give me a break. There is something VERY wrong here that goes beyond insecurity. Link to comment
Idocsteve Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 Sorry, but this is SCARY...You have been with her 3 monthsl and she is telling you how to clean your house? And how to keep greeting cards? And how to drink your coffee? How to fricking SLEEP? Uh Ray...she gave me this list 2 months ago. Serious. But also on a serious note..she realizes that some of them are unreasonable. The sleeping facing her thing is out. She's got the phone calls down to about 10 per day...the plants are back behind the sink...she does the dishes when she comes over because frankly I know if I don't do them she will...and she cleans the place as well. The flip side of this whole thing is that she takes great care of me...I may be a dog but I am very well groomed. To be honest...considering the tough time I am going through in my life right now, getting all this attentionfeels pretty damn good. Remember, I can get out of this any time I want to (as long as it's ok with her, of course) Link to comment
LadyBrandon Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 ^^ I agree. he needs to run...like YESTERDAY!! Link to comment
LadyBrandon Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 The flip side of this whole thing is that she takes great care of me... Sounds like you want a mom instead of a girlfriend. Link to comment
JeckyllNHyde Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 Sorry, but this is SCARY. You have been with her 3 monthsl and she is telling you how to clean your house? And how to keep greeting cards? And how to drink your coffee? How to fricking SLEEP? I have been with my partner 3 YEARS and we LIVE together and I don't do that, and I would not do it after 30 years either. This is controlling, CRAZY behaviour. And NOT what partnership, relationships or love are about. Alright, I agree joking about other women is tactless, but she is trying to also control your personal habits, and so forth and that is just ALARMING. HOLY CRAP, RUN RUN RUN! I am amazed you haven't already. This is FRIGHTENING. Hahah! Agreed! Very frightning indeed. Idocsteve you give such realistic/logical advice, time to think what you would tell someone to do in your situation. Some of her rules made me even laugh. I am a girl and I wouldn't even do some of those things if my dad told me to for instance: "wash silverware right after use" and a few more.. WTh.. And I know it is off topic but I love it when I sit right accros from my guy at a restaurant etc, that way I can look at him while we talk before dinner, etc... Link to comment
Idocsteve Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 Sounds like you want a mom instead of a girlfriend. To some extent...don't all guys want to be mothered? Link to comment
Idocsteve Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 Idocsteve you give such realistic/logical advice, time to think what you would tell someone to do in your situation. I know! Classic example of do as I say, not as I do.. I love it when I sit right accros from my guy at a restaurant etc, that way I can look at him while we talk before dinner, etc... I agree with you. And I say that to her. She doesn't buy it. Even when I elbow her while I'm eating and try to make it look like an accident. Link to comment
RayKay Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 There is a big difference between someone caring for you and controlling you. She is on the controlling side of that. Most mom's I know aren't like this either. Link to comment
LadyBrandon Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 To some extent...don't all guys want to be mothered? Perhaps (I have 2 grown sons who frequently want this still) but with all the rules you have to put up with even *I* would not want to be in your shoes. I don't mother my bf btw...he has one.....but I do nice things for him from time to time when the mood strikes me. Link to comment
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