Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship

[Face2Face]

yeh something like this;

 

Hi ****,

 

It seems i can't be friends now and i don't know what the future holds. But it is best if we both go our own ways.

I wish you the best and love with your new relationship.

 

Take care.

 

So i did just sent the e-mail with the goodbye msg.

Going to bed now and we will see, i don't really think she will react while she is in another relationship.

Then again i am sure it was the best to do... move on!

[Tearsbegone]

This is truly amazing stuff, thank you. My ex fiance of 10 years recently ended it and it seemed very out of the blue for me. For him I guess it has been brewing and instead of communicating and working on it, he just snapped. My only conclusions I can draw as to why he ended it are- he said he was not in love with me anymore and not sexually attracted. I believe that things got routine and very comfortable and maybe boring, we were semi-codependent and stopped socializing, obviously he feels there was no sexual chemistry when I had asked him all the time what he wanted, etc. and he wouldn't reply. He is now obsessed with dating and wanting sex. I should note, he has never really been single (always in an LTR) so this is almost like his college years, which he never had.

My concern is getting those sexual attraction feelings back like you mention. I feel that we are so close with each other that the sexual component is the big missing piece. Now that he has lost the sexual/romantic feelings I have no clue how they could come back. Like you said, he knows me and what I'm about but I'd like a fresh start to show him it could be different- but him thinking/feeling what he is isn't going to give me that chance. So I guess my big question is how do you re-attract them? It seems like you'd have to end up in the bedroom somehow. He's wanted sex from me (we are doing the friend thing which now I am reconsidering based on this) but he says it means nothing, so it's something I have turned down despite wanting it because I want feelings behind it. Any advice?

Thank you

[Nugget10]

Did that really happen to your friend? My boyfriend and I just broke up and it got ugly I said things I didn't mean and lost my temper. He would ignore me whenever we argued for days and the last time it was a week. I couldn't take it anymore and lost it. I went crazy and then he broke up with me in a text woulnt even say it to face

We were together a year and a half and happy for most of it. I know I can't contact him but I'm a disaster I can barely make it through work I ish I knew what to do anyone? I'm so sad

[Streetbob]

So i did just sent the e-mail with the goodbye msg.

Going to bed now and we will see, i don't really think she will react while she is in another relationship.

Then again i am sure it was the best to do... move on!

 

 

That looked good.

You put the ball in her court. I would try and forget about her for now and do some stuff for you.

Try and keep NC intact and who knows what happens in the future.

 

Good luck

 

SB

[Tearsbegone]

That looked good.

You put the ball in her court. I would try and forget about her for now and do some stuff for you.

Try and keep NC intact and who knows what happens in the future.

 

Good luck

 

SB

 

Streetbob- might you have any advice for what I posted above?

[Streetbob]

This is truly amazing stuff, thank you. My ex fiance of 10 years recently ended it and it seemed very out of the blue for me. For him I guess it has been brewing and instead of communicating and working on it, he just snapped. My only conclusions I can draw as to why he ended it are- he said he was not in love with me anymore and not sexually attracted. I believe that things got routine and very comfortable and maybe boring, we were semi-codependent and stopped socializing, obviously he feels there was no sexual chemistry when I had asked him all the time what he wanted, etc. and he wouldn't reply. He is now obsessed with dating and wanting sex. I should note, he has never really been single (always in an LTR) so this is almost like his college years, which he never had.

 

Pene

 

Sorry to hear about your situation. I do relate to it.

 

I too came out of quite a long relationship where there was and still is some love.

However we became complacent (mainly me), lazy and too dependent on each other (mainly me).

 

It seems to be the way of the world these days that rather than trying to fix things - it is easier to throw them away. Unfortunately that doesn't help people like us.

 

Although I am no expert, the logical (or illogical) route forward is NC.

 

Why?

 

Because for want of a better quote "absence makes the heart grow fonder"

 

In other words - disappear, give it time, let the dust settle, work on yourself in the prescribed ways (gym, emotions, hobbies etc) and who knows what the future will hold. You might find that you don't want the ex back - or vice versa. But you will have improved, learnt and grown as a human being. That can only bode well for future relationships.

 

NC is tough (I buckled twice) and plays tricks with your mind. It's similar to breaking an addiction but is also very cleansing.

 

I am a big believer that even if you are to find reconciliation, a period of NC can focus the mind and improve things (although many here will say that second time around doesn't really work).

 

Whatever happens: You will be the winner!

 

It will be if it's meant to be.

 

As i said earlier to Face2face. Send a mail saying it how it is. Don't get over emotional but be honest and leave the door open, but make sure that the ex knows the ball is in his court....he must make the next move. After that delete his numbers, email addresses, things or any other points of contact..... and then simply move on - enjoy yourself and start a new life.

 

Hope this helps. Good luck to you Pene. Tough times ahead but will be worth it in the long run. Let us know how you are getting on.

 

SB

[Tearsbegone]

Thanks for your response. The whole situation is so confusing. We are best friends and everything seems normal when we hang out- yet one day out of the blue he said it's over. He is now acting super strange- addicted to online dating, big ego, saying his a man who is now in control of his life- it's like he changed over night. I am mainly concerned with the attraction/romantic feelings part. I know we have the emotional connection 100%. It does sadden me that if he just would have communicated to me I believe we wouldn't be here right now. But he didn't and ended it. I am a firm believer in working really hard. I have no idea why he wouldn't give that a chance and threw away 10 years. We were going to be married (no immediate plans) and spend the rest of our lives together. Now he tells me he feels even closer to me now as a friend. Yet he seems obsessed with the idea of meeting women and having lots of sex- which isn't really like him at all and obviously hurts me because it seems so fast and soon.

[Face2Face]

So the actual e-mail became this and i did send it yesterday evening. Nothing more i can do right now then to move on!

 

---

 

Hi *****,

 

It is better for the both of us to separate our ways.

I don't know what the future holds, but for the time being and maybe forever, we can't be friends to each other.

I wish you all the love and luck in your new relationship.

 

X Face2Face

 

---

 

We will see what happens, not sure if she would even react but heck i don't really care i just want to move on and focus on myself.

I will come here from time to time because this forum gave me so much information and keeps me strong.

[Streetbob]

So the actual e-mail became this and i did send it yesterday evening. Nothing more i can do right now then to move on!

 

---

 

Hi *****,

 

It is better for the both of us to separate our ways.

I don't know what the future holds, but for the time being and maybe forever, we can't be friends to each other.

I wish you all the love and luck in your new relationship.

 

X Face2Face

 

---

 

We will see what happens, not sure if she would even react but heck i don't really care i just want to move on and focus on myself.

I will come here from time to time because this forum gave me so much information and keeps me strong.

 

Hey Face. Keep us informed of your progress - and good luck SB

[Face2Face]

Hey Face. Keep us informed of your progress - and good luck SB

 

I will if there will be an update ever...

 

The actual breakup is 4 months ago and we kept instant contact for 2 months after the breakup.

I did not really beg nor plead, i only told her a few times i missed her and i missed us.

Also wrote her a handwritten letter which could be to much... but it was sincere and without alot of emotions but she wanted to stay friends.

Probably to see how her new relationship works but i am not going to sit and wait, thats just showing weakness.

 

I think because of the timeframe my chances are slim but hence i can move on now and it feels like a weight was lifted from my shoulders.

I was keeping hope and waited for her to contact me but now i am like,.. i dumped you this time as a friend and i don't want to play these games anymore...!

And that actually makes you feel better whatever the outcome might be!

[Streetbob]

I think because of the timeframe my chances are slim but hence i can move on now and it feels like a weight was lifted from my shoulders.

I was keeping hope and waited for her to contact me but now i am like,.. i dumped you this time as a friend and i don't want to play these games anymore...!

And that actually makes you feel better whatever the outcome might be!

 

 

4 months is nothing mate!

Don't give up....Just have a plan B.

 

Your circumstances sound very similar to mine

 

Have a read of these:

 

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[Face2Face]

true, she probably went dating with him after 1 or 2 months so a bit weird but i think to fill the void...

Ive have been reading alot of sites and those also, they make absolute sense but i made some mistakes, doesnt say she wont come back but just makes my chances slimmer.

But i am just moving on and if she calls on a day and i still want her then its her luck and if i found someone else instead then to bad for her

I just want to get rid of those negative feelings and memories about her... well those memories may come back when i am over her but for the time being i am doing pretty fine.

Almost weekend so time to have some parties and EC 2012!! Holland!!

[Streetbob]

true, she probably went dating with him after 1 or 2 months so a bit weird but i think to fill the void...

Ive have been reading alot of sites and those also, they make absolute sense but i made some mistakes, doesnt say she wont come back but just makes my chances slimmer.

But i am just moving on and if she calls on a day and i still want her then its her luck and if i found someone else instead then to bad for her

I just want to get rid of those negative feelings and memories about her... well those memories may come back when i am over her but for the time being i am doing pretty fine.

Almost weekend so time to have some parties and EC 2012!! Holland!!

 

Well you seem to have the right attitude (apart from Holland for EC

[Dazla]

I have to say...That from my own experiences your theory is correct!

 

My first missus, with her for 3 years - broke up I stayed in the picture for 3 months after the BU, she started seeing a mutual friend!, whilst still spending time with me!. I thought we were dating again, she was just doing it to keep me as a 'friend'. I find out eventually and disappear out of her life. 4 months later I bump into her on a night out, she rings and rings and rings my mobile, we speak and she begins crying saying what I wanted to hear "I made a mistake", "I still love you", "I want you back, can we start seeing each other again?". She had broken up with the rebound 3 weeks previous.

 

Id moved on by then.

 

Now im back to square 1. My last ex has broken up with me 1 month ago. Shes not in a relationship - she wants space.

But my scripture is the same "you dont know what youve got until its gone" and "you want the things in life you think you cant have"

[Face2Face]

very true thats why i am moving on and i dont want the friendszone thingy. First you think that would be your best option because you are around and you can give comfort and a listening ear to her but she will never miss you or know the feeling or losing you forever.

 

My 2nd ex wants me back because i was really good for her but she needed to explore the world and search for other guys,... well you go and do that then,.. fine! i was not so crazy about her like my last ex so i let it go without any pleading, chasing, begging.... Now she sees that the grass is only brown at the other side. She wants me back but i am way over her and i am not even attracted to her anymore. If some time passed then you are like, you think i would be waiting for you? i evolved and i am not some sitting puppy dog!

Eventually they will realize about what they had was really good but often they are scared when someone loves them so deeply and eventually they flee to find out they were the problem and they start missing you.

 

Anywayz i might have the same with her if it happens then it happens

 

Oh yeh ofc Holland will win euro 2012

[Tearsbegone]

I'm sorry to hear that. I want to figure out a way to get him interested again and I am worried that what I am doing by being friends could backfire.

[Tearsbegone]

I'm fearful he really is out of love and if I stop being friends I'll lose that too.

 

I love the euros btw

[Face2Face]

well sometimes you need to be strong and you don't know what the future holds

 

I have not got a reaction on my last email where i told her i can't be friends, not now and maybe not even in the future.

Its the only chance you have and besides it can give me a 100% healing right now because i was keeping my hopes up by just staying around and that will not help you any further. My ex gf is in a new relationship so she would get her love from him and i would only be someone who would give a shoulder to cry on. I am out of the picture now and the ball is at her court. If she does not want to contact me in the future then hence it is not worth it. It has to come from 2 ways and you should not fight for it. I think you are still trying to do your best even for a friendship but also a friendship should have an input from both ways! Keep strong and do what is best for you! follow your heart but think rational with your mind!

 

 

Anyone think it is bad i did not receive any reply on my last email?

1) she could just accept it and think okay you go your own way because i have a new friend and he is in my mind/heart.

2) she does not accept it and just does not want to answer on it. She does not want to lose me and is trying to get a second reaction from me or by not replying she is just not saying Yes goodbye forever!

 

 

Just weird... weird...

[Streetbob]

Never give up man - (Not even on holland - sorry

 

Always have some hope....I don't think it is surprising at all not getting a reply - she is probably upset. I think you should just leave it now....It's difficult and i'm a fine one to talk. Believe me....You will heal faster if you don't contact her. People change and until I've moved on....I'll never give up....until then I'll live with the pain

 

SB

[Dazla]

Pene,

 

In my experience and reading a lot of articles about this sort of thing [granted I dont have a clue if its gonna make a difference]

 

they say time is a healer, but its also a dealer.

 

Kate N Wills, Jessica n Justin, A lot of couples i know personally, my ex's, myself!

 

All had time away from each other, you can be friendly..but dont be there friend. Disappear for a month or so.

 

Unfortunately Ive not yet had that chance, its day 1 for me. Massive hickup last night But it starts now, and im positive it will work.

 

 

 

the only thing I can say about staying a friend is that theyll always have you, no matter what. And I see very little point in that as thats what binds a relationship. how many times do you hear "I miss you"

[Streetbob]

Pene,

 

In my experience and reading a lot of articles about this sort of thing [granted I dont have a clue if its gonna make a difference]

 

they say time is a healer, but its also a dealer.

 

Kate N Wills, Jessica n Justin, A lot of couples i know personally, my ex's, myself!

 

All had time away from each other, you can be friendly..but dont be there friend. Disappear for a month or so.

 

Unfortunately Ive not yet had that chance, its day 1 for me. Massive hickup last night But it starts now, and im positive it will work.

 

 

 

the only thing I can say about staying a friend is that theyll always have you, no matter what. And I see very little point in that as thats what binds a relationship. how many times do you hear "I miss you"

 

 

I think the truth of the matter that you have to be in it for the long haul. 1, 2, 3 months is not enough for somebody to change their mindset.

Whatever happens - and there is no guarantee they are coming back - just go Nc...stick it out, keep some hope but move on!

[Tearsbegone]

Pene,

 

In my experience and reading a lot of articles about this sort of thing [granted I dont have a clue if its gonna make a difference]

 

they say time is a healer, but its also a dealer.

 

Kate N Wills, Jessica n Justin, A lot of couples i know personally, my ex's, myself!

 

All had time away from each other, you can be friendly..but dont be there friend. Disappear for a month or so.

 

Unfortunately Ive not yet had that chance, its day 1 for me. Massive hickup last night But it starts now, and im positive it will work.

 

 

 

the only thing I can say about staying a friend is that theyll always have you, no matter what. And I see very little point in that as thats what binds a relationship. how many times do you hear "I miss you"

 

Thank you for your message. Yeah right now I doubt he'll miss me even if I go away. He's addicted to online dating, is having lots of sex, over me, and interested in someone else. Sounds like a lost cause.

[Tearsbegone]

I think the truth of the matter that you have to be in it for the long haul. 1, 2, 3 months is not enough for somebody to change their mindset.

Whatever happens - and there is no guarantee they are coming back - just go Nc...stick it out, keep some hope but move on!

 

Right now I doubt he'll miss me even if I go away. He's addicted to online dating, is having lots of sex, over me, and interested in someone else. Sounds like a lost cause. I'm just going to keep focusing on myself- he's gone and he doesn't want me. I can't get him back nor would I want too- he would have to want me again and I can't control that. So now that he's sowing the oats like crazy that will probably make him forget about me. I'm sure he'll just drift away and our bond will break.

[Dazla]

But online dating, random sex and someone else isnt you at the end of the day. If you shared something special that will eventually niggle at them until they cant take no more. This may take a while - example.

 

When you cant find the remote control for the TV how annoying is it?, the more you look for it and cant find it, the more you become annoyed. Case applied for the loss of a person!

[Tearsbegone]

But online dating, random sex and someone else isnt you at the end of the day. If you shared something special that will eventually niggle at them until they cant take no more. This may take a while - example.

 

When you cant find the remote control for the TV how annoying is it?, the more you look for it and cant find it, the more you become annoyed. Case applied for the loss of a person!

 

Yeah but at the end of the day he didn't want me- that's why he threw me out.