Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship

[ks1986]

My roommate just ran into my ex at the club today out without his rebound. It was really awkward as all of my friends who have run into him have said. He acts super uncomfortable about it. It was the typical, "hey, how are you?" exchange only my ex's response to "how are you?" was "I'm happy". What the hell? Who responds like that?! Translation is basically "I want you to tell my ex that I am happy with my new partner." I just don't get this. I think this shows he is still hung up on things, probably more the bad things and wanting a reaction out of me. I'm just angry that it's been 2 months of NC and 3 months into this rebound and it's still petty mindgames!

[RABBIT2]

yes this may have a degree of truth but what if the ex was dating sleeping with the rebound months before the break would he still be a rebound, the fact is it depends on the person, what if she or he had always been unfaithful and see it at a natural part of moving on. we assume relationship are built on love, but love is the thing that happens when the lust has demised to the point domestic daily life kicks in, to some paradise to others hell. the point im trying to make is love means something different to most people. there is a reason your ex is your ex and thats because you dont offer them the things they want when they want them. they may well look back and miss you some time in the future after they have had some fun with the rebound but where does that leave you if she or he comes back and says i made a mistake and i still love you would the same trust be there or would you always be thinking the moment a new toy that excites them comes along they would be off again. the point im trying to make is, when they walk out its over, never let someone break your heart twice and by allowing them back in your life you are setting yourself up for more of the same.

[Dragongirl]

Hi. The love of my life broke up with me a few days ago. We've been dating for more than four years. the reasons he said were that there are others who are far more deserving than he is and that he has a lot of problems. Last four years have been rough on him. He experienced the sudden death of his dad, brother got sick, and recently failed major subjects in his school. he blames himself for the death of his dad and puts a lot of pressure on himself because he said his relatives expect a lot from him due to his dad's death.

 

We have been in a long distance relatinoship since we live in different parts of the city and our jobs are so time demanding that he hardly has time for me. We rarely see each other and seldom talk. I have complained to him that he has more time with his friends in school than he has with me. i felt neglected but tried to be understanding and patient because of what he was going through. I told him that he should make time with me even if it's just leaving me simple messages. I have told this reasons to him and it gets better for a while then it will happen again. It's a cycle.

 

I asked him what he wanted and he said that he wants to continue what we have but ultimately he realized that things would just repeat itself.

 

All of our friends know that we broke up but he still hasn't told his family. I told him that I dont want to be just a label because we really had something. He said I was his bestfriend. We ended on good terms and we still talk. I asked if there was a chance that we could still be together in the future and he said, "maybe."

 

I still love him very much and I am hoping that we still end up together. Do you think things will get better for us?

[SKYSCRAPER]

Very good points. I myself was in an extended yes unfortuantely internet affair that lasted an unbelievable 5 years only to be milked along the way. I saw signs and suspicions I may be being scammed but gave the person the benefit of the doudt because they were a pro at deception and totally unremorseful and ruthless as it turned out. Ego's enter in alot of such relationships at times and mine certainly was one having to stay flexible to deal with a "Tom Boy Woman Personality". She used her femininity when she wanted the massaging and catering a man gives to a woman but then would revert to a masculine stance with harsh stances and cold, cruel inconsiderations. It becaame a Me, me, me affair for her part and I finally had enough to challenge her bintroducing a story to match hers but in reverse, needless to say she wasn't aware I had her number and she thought I would swallow everything as i had before but in facat the bear traps were set and she stepped into evry one.

The salavation was this occurred when I needed an interaction honestly to pass the time but as time continued I got involved more emotionally caring for this person who was a manipulator first class. Anyways after milking me I refused to conatinue so in a matter of 6 days she jumps ship to rekindle apparently an old flame she expressed on messenger knowing i would see it that she loved him?? this lady was in a comprimising position and so she abandoned ship quickly .

The one saving grace was long ago a lady once told me to always have a baack-up and I had just in case so it never pays to burn the bridges with good people because alot of times what you think you have you really do not.

I agree with the article is better to remove oneswelf as a dumpee and not hang around buat further if you had prepared for the worst possibibility ahead of time then the transition onto a better more deserving potential makes the loss less painful. For me I give most all relationships all i have so that if things do not work out alt least I know I tried my best and theres no soul searching continuing should a break-up happen. If one gets dumped its best to strike-out anew and not expect or hang around but move on because if a person abuses you once with a callous treatment of your emotions they will do it again sizing you up as an easy mark. GOOD LUCK TO ALL..

[SKYSCRAPER]

GOSH DARLING?? If you've given it your all and you get a "Maybe" I wouldn't wait around as theres no guarantee this person will change his consideration for your needs. The amount of time you pine away honestly hoping he will come back you may be able to find someone new more caring of your needs in even less time. I know its hard to ax things once you've invested so much of yourself but yah gotta get strong and not sell yourself short. What appealed to this guy about you will appeal to perhaps someone else who will trat and make you feel better. GOOD LUCK

[Dragongirl]

Yes. I understand. But he wasn't at all like this during the first 3 years of our relationship. What caused him to change this much was the death of his father. It affected him greatly. This may be too cliche to hear but I promise you that I was treated like a queen. He was the nicest guy I knew and a lot of women would agree that anyone who would have him is a lucky woman. Him prioritizing his friends over me just started last year when we lived in different parts of the city as we used to always be together. I guess the reason why I'm hoping for things to get better between us is because I know who he really is deep down inside and that who he is now is just a reaction from the circumstance that happened to his father.

[Dragongirl]

And do you think I blew it that I told my close friends what happened to us. It's just that I have a lot of close friends. Sorry for a lot of questions. well, aside from improving my self for MYSELF, I just don't really know what to do.

[AnnaHaynes93]

I know Zorba doesn't frequent this forum anymore, but anyone is welcome to give me advice based on his "Reverse Psychology and the Rebound Relationship".

My ex and I split back in November after a 2 year relationship. I got clingy and erratic with my mood because of my depression. I have a blood disease that was really getting me down at the time. I will admit that the last 4 months were nasty, but he just couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel like me. That's what hes told me anyway. After making the usual mistakes I did NC for two/three months. He began texting and messaging me again. Things esculated from there to hanging out on a regular basis and being intimate again. Then a few weeks ago, he panicked when we started getting close and we both ad a fight. He said hes scared we won't work and "we'll hurt more if we try again", he's "not sure we'll make it", he wants to be single. I know I have to respect his wishes. My question is Do you think going NC will help us again? Yes, I know it's for working on yourself, which is what I have been doing. But I also love him and want to give it another shot since I've been working on my depression and my other health issues.

[flatplane]

If he's told you he wants to be single, that's all you need to know. Go NC, move on.

[AnnaHaynes93]

Flatplane

But he says one thing and does another. Since I've been on NC for two weeks he contacted me twice. Once when I'm guessing he had been drinking, saying he just wanted to say hi and he missed me. I ignored it. Then again this morning, he was wondering what I was doing and why I was so early. He even wants to take me out for my birthday on May 14th. I don't want to just forget about it and move on. At the same time I am not sitting around moping around. I go out, I go to classes, hang with friends and get therapy for emotional issues. I am working on me. I know the obvious advice, even though this is a "getting back together" forum and everyone is always saying move on. Sorry, I am venting....

[Scotcha]

I was my husbands rebound and he was mine. Somehow we've managed to be together since 2005. During one of our breakups (the one I thought would be the end of our relationship) he still wanted to be friends but I wanted him back. I tried that for a little while but it was too painful for me. I told him it hurt me too much to be friends and broke off all contact. He changed his mind a month a month later and I almost didn't take him back. If he had waited just another week it probably would've been too late. In our situation he was just scared. I don't know if NC will help you get him back but it will help you. Maybe he'll decide he likes being single. Maybe he'll decide it's not as great as he thought. But it certainly won't hurt your chances.

[the dude91]

Can Somebody read my story and help me out real quick? I'm at a loss...

[ks1986]

My ex is about 3.5 months into his new rebound and is becoming very vocal about how happy he is. It's like it's really important that everyone knows, including me. He's change everything about himself: clothes, personality, bad habbits, hobbies, car...everytime I hear news about him there's something else that's changed. He used a run-in with my roommate to relay the message that he's really happy now when he was simply asked "How's it going?". It seems like NC went from something that he didn't want but agreed with saying things like it's the best for both of us, goodbye for now, I'll miss you, I'm there for you if you need me, etc...leaving things on good terms. Now I just get the feeling that things somehow went to bad terms in his head and now he is vindictive and resentful and I'm not sure why. I'm really tempted to break contact and try to put things back on good terms or initiate LC, but I just don't want to risk making contact and I KNOW he will ignore me.

[RABBIT2]

All the relationship sites advise the dumpees going NC should always send out the vibe of being so happy and improved with the intention of it working its way back to the ex to get a reaction Now you don't say if he dumped you or the other way round.

[RABBIT2]

Far be it for me to say anything bad about the great Zorba but if he is such an relationship expert why has he put 750 posts on this site instread of moving on and enjoying life. my reason for first viewing these post was to see how like the rest of us i could win back my ex. All the tricks and games like NC or LC may work or not. The point is and this is what i have descovered after a painful year of trying is WHY. why would you want to be with someone who don't want to be with you. If a billion people all over the world break up every day Why don't the people on this site accept it and move on with there lives instead of bleeding their hearts out to strangers, Why to we kid ourselves that our ex's are wonderful human being who are just confused and one day they will wake up and realize they still love us or WHY do we think they are the bad mad nasty people and we are the angels. The point is love hurts but it don't kill. If i was a dumper reading the stuff on here i would be glad not to have anything to do with this selfpity crap, is it them that are pathological or us for thinking no one can every love them as much as us. I have had enough of feeling sorry for myself, i want to live and love again, maybe i reached a point a lot of people are still not at yet, the point where you begin to love yourself again, but your get there and your get there a lot sooner if you stop letting Zorba do your thinking and think for yourself, good luck and god bless

[grandoptimist]

Can you advise me what I should do and if there's any chance for relationship. My boyfriend of 2.5 years have just told me a week ago that he doesn't want to be with me anymore and that he doesn't love me. We have been living together for the last 1.5 years. We have very different personality that is often the cause of arguments. He's 27. A few months before we moved in he had a drink driving incident that saw his new car written off and has had a major financial strain on him. It has also put a HUGE dent in his ego and self esteem. I think he has been depressed with that ever since and has led him down drinking and partying with his single friends to the point of coming home and throwing up. I have also had issues of my own over the last year that has contributed to the break down of our relationship. My folks are going through a very acrimonious and toxic divorce that has impacted on me majorly. I have a very strong personality and he is very calm and reserve. I have been aware that due to my parents' divorce and on going fights, I have projected much of this stress onto the relationship and onto him. I take it out on him when I don't really mean to. I am now aware of it and I am trying to work on it. I love him very much and would like him back in my life. I know he loves me very much too. Many times when we have had fights, and I expressed to him I feel we are not compatible and we should break up, he has always pulled me back in and made me believe in us again. I have woken to it now and realise how much I have taken him for granted and I pulled his last straw.

 

The break up actually started with me again saying we should not be together. I was very unhappy that the previous weekend he had gone out with his friends until 7am and not message me or let me know his where about, I was worried sick. He apologised for it and the next weekend same thing happened. I threw the * * * * s. And then some how the table turned and he came out and said all these things about how he's been feeling bored with the relationship and he's been attracted to other people and wants to break up. This is all new to me. I was aware our relationship has been on the rocks but every time I asked him if he's bored or what's wrong, he says nothing and everything is fine. He doesn't talk to me very often about his feelings unless I have broken down into tears and so has he, then all the stuff comes out.

 

Anyway we had a week of back and forth and he talks to his friends and family (who by the way, never liked me, his friends think I have "changed" him and his family thinks we're not suited - more on a superficial class separation level, which is **** in this day and age, but they're very old english people), and he'll say he doesn't think he loves me anymore, and the next day he talks with me and he agrees to try again, and that he really does love me so much. It keeps going like this for awhile. Until one night I gt sick of him pushing and pulling me, I called my ex to pick me up, straight after my boyfriend just told to leave him alone and just let him sleep because it's over and he doesn't love me. He chased me down the street and messaged me telling me to come home and he loves me and everything will be ok. I didn't go home, which in hindsight I should have. I didn't spend the night with my ex either. It was a big mistake and I wish I could take it back but he now thinks I slept with my ex, which I didn't but there's no way for him to know.

 

Again we talked about it and he said ok lets try. This happened on Sunday night. On Monday he came home from work and I acted normal and went about doing the normal things we used to and hugged him etc. He was very cold to me the entire night and it didn't feel good. He said he's going out on the weekend but he doesn't want me to go with. We used to go out together with his friednds a lot when we first started dating, but since we moved in, I've been distracted with my parents stress and the fact that I don't like his friends or the behaviour they encourage, I don't go out with him as often. We have had a lot of incidents where now I can see has created distance between us. Anyway, on Tuesday morning I looked at his phone (not something I do often, I had a bad gut feeling) and found out that the stranger that he's hooked up during the few days that we were "broke up" was actually someone I knew. And even after he said he wants to try with me he was still messaging her very intimate stuff. I was devastated. He apologised and said it happened when we weren't good in the last few days and he doesn't want to lose me. A lot of mixed signals sent from him. A LOT OF MIXED SIGNALS. He says he loves me, then not, and then he tells his family he just said yes to try again with me because I was pestering him. He says he wants to be alone, not in a relationship but he's telling this new girl how he can't wait to spend more time with her.

 

I messaged him that day at work and let him know that I still want to try and I still love him very much and I think all this is nonsense and we can get through it together and be stronger. He replied and said he doesn't have time to talk to me as he was very busy that day. I broke and finally made the decision to moved out that day. I have moved the majority of my stuff out of the apartment but still have a lot of stuff left at the apartment. This has been very fresh so I'm still deeply hurt. I sent him a message this morning saying I love him and that's it. After reading this thread I want to try NC and want to him to turn back to me.

 

I know he loves me very much and I love him too, I am willing and I want to change myself for the better both for me and for him. This new girl and him have a lot more in common than I do with him, they're both teachers and they both like bike riding. I have expressed to him my insecurities about their friendship only days before the break up.

 

Is there a chance here at all?

[Face2Face]

Anyone some advice on this?

 

I went for 6 weeks NC and then i initiated contact about how she was doing. She was pretty glad i contacted her and said it is nice to hear from you.

A few days later i contact her again for just a short talk about general things in life.

Then she said out of the blue "I have a new lover, and it is greeaattttt and it feels so confident!". First was a shock to me but i replied with "I am happy for you".

She was somehow annoyed and said "That's how fast it could go! ;-)" Trying to annoy me but i did not react.

Then she followed with a txt msg "I really hope you will find someone else or you already have someone else?".

I told her i was dating 1 girl but it was not serious yet. (just to make her think).

So then i asked, just to be interested in you hows your new lover doing?

and she said "I dont want to talk about him with you".

I was like (errrr okay?) so i said, no problem don't worry you don't have to.

I changed the subject to some general stuff again and then told i should go to bed because it was late.

I said you can call me if there's anything up and goodnight X.

She then said "Thanks, you can also call me anytime/anywhere! goodnight X.

 

That was 2 weeks ago and i didnt spoke her since then.

Shall i keep it like this or should i say i can't be friends now and i don't know what the future holds and we both need to move on, the best and goodluck with your relationship.

 

Anyone with some good advice? appreciated

[Streetbob]

This is very similar to me but my ex doesn't have a lover (that I know of)

we split 3 months ago and I broke NC about a month ago with hope you are well message.

Same as you, she responded very positively and I said mail me anytime....But she didn't.

 

I made the mistake of doing the same a couple of days ago....again she responded.

 

I am now going to go NC all out - no more little messages or Breadcrumbs. Enough is enough.

 

I would do the same if I were you, if nothing else but to preserve your dignity. Must be tough on you! Completely withdraw and have nothing else to do with her

[Face2Face]

yeh i was thinking about that but then you have 2 options.

 

You go NC like this and you don't mention anything thus out of the blue?

 

Or will you sent her an e-mail or txt msg that you both should go your own way and you can't be friends for the time being and you don't know if you can be friends in the future. Wish her the best and goodluck.

 

In the last msg she will get the feeling about losing you and not if you go out of the blue for some reason... but not sure.

[Streetbob]

yeh i was thinking about that but then you have 2 options.

 

You go NC like this and you don't mention anything thus out of the blue?

 

Or will you sent her an e-mail or txt msg that you both should go your own way and you can't be friends for the time being and you don't know if you can be friends in the future. Wish her the best and goodluck.

 

In the last msg she will get the feeling about losing you and not if you go out of the blue for some reason... but not sure.

 

At the outset of NC, I sent a mail that outlined everything. How I felt about her, what I wanted etc....leaving the door open. After that, in theory, I should have left it. But in 2 moments of weakness I asked how she was....Losing my power. Try not to buckle when you have instigated it!

[Face2Face]

exactly the same for me; i had 6 weeks of NC and then i broke it 2 weeks ago with 2 moments of weakness aswell.

I also sent her an email that we should be apart for sometime and it is the best for both of us...

Sending it again would rather be odd and she would just think i am not meaning it.

 

Maybe just keep the contact really low for the time being and let the ball at her court. Meanwhile move on and i will see if their relationship holds or not. But then again she might think she can fall back any time because i did not initiate No Contact this time.... She wanted to have a drink in the near future but i am not sure if i should accept that without the knowledge of her current relationship.

[Streetbob]

exactly the same for me; i had 6 weeks of NC and then i broke it 2 weeks ago with 2 moments of weakness aswell.

I also sent her an email that we should be apart for sometime and it is the best for both of us...

Sending it again would rather be odd and she would just think i am not meaning it.

 

Maybe just keep the contact really low for the time being and let the ball at her court. Meanwhile move on and i will see if their relationship holds or not. But then again she might think she can fall back any time because i did not initiate No Contact this time.... She wanted to have a drink in the near future but i am not sure if i should accept that without the knowledge of her current relationship.

 

I don't think you will gain anything with LC.

Show her that you mean business. Go NC....but do it for you. Show her your moving on. LC will only make you look weak...Just like I feel now

 

SB

[Face2Face]

So you are going to sent an email going NC? because at the start posts it says going into NC without saying you go into NC will backfire instead?

[Streetbob]

So you are going to sent an email going NC? because at the start posts it says going into NC without saying you go into NC will backfire instead?

 

Send one final email. Tell her everything and then cut off alll contact - well that's the idea

[Face2Face]

yeh something like this;

 

Hi ****,

 

It seems i can't be friends now and i don't know what the future holds. But it is best if we both go our own ways.

I wish you the best and love with your new relationship.

 

Take care.