Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship

[Tearsbegone]

This is what I got from reading this paragraph:

'Even though he's going out and having sex with other women, I still desperately want him back.'

Does that truly sound like a healthy and reciprocal relationship to have with someone?

 

No I don't want him if he's having sex with other women.

[Face2Face]

Exactly Pene, you are more valuable then that or being a second option!

Let them see what they have lost when it is to late already.

[Tearsbegone]

Exactly Pene, you are more valuable then that or being a second option!

Let them see what they have lost when it is to late already.

 

That's the irony- he'll never see it. He's too self absorbed right now with a giant ego. I mean nothing to him nor do our 10 years. New women with which to have new sexual and otherwise interactions is all that will be filling his mind.

[elephants]

That's the irony- he'll never see it. He's too self absorbed right now with a giant ego. I mean nothing to him nor do our 10 years. New women with which to have new sexual and otherwise interactions is all that will be filling his mind.

 

Look, Pene, the quoted above is absolutely NOT true. It's NOT true. I don't know you, your ex, or your relationship, but I am 100% sure this is not true. I bet you my life-- he WILL notice when you're gone. It WILL make a difference to him. It WILL give him something to think about. I PROMISE.

 

You're not seeing it from our perspective. You only look at the situation with your fear. He will NOT forget you. You and your 10 years mean something to him, but he CAN'T realize it because he hasn't lost you!

 

I'm not part of that NC cult who shouts "GO NC" whatever the situation is. But look, I am 100% convinced that it is the way to go in your situation. The man is disrespecting you and your feelings by having sex with other women and then keeping you around as a "friend". He even tells you about his dating escapades. What is that if not disrespect? Everyone else has said it, so I won't repeat. Just look at everyone's replies.

 

You say you can't do NC because "he will be in touch because he wants to be friends"? There you go! He doesn't forget you! He wants you there. He needs you. He's afraid to lose you completely. If it's true that he'll never see you're gone because he is preoccupied with his other women, then he wouldn't bother staying your friend.

 

Please, Pene. Don't torture yourself anymore.

[Face2Face]

so true the above part.

They also stay friends because they want to be sure you are not moving on and find someone else because they have the feeling they have some kinda safety net and in the mean time they can mess around and see what is out there while you are there in the waiting room....?

 

I kept the communication open with my ex gf also and she contacted me many time aswell but now since she met someone else only 2 months after our BU she goes in silent mode... not reaching out to me because someone else filled the void and she is as she said "sooooo crazy about him and it feels so confident". And since 2 weeks they are also living together...

So thats whats happening when you stay around i guess. I loved and i lost. But i can love again and win for sure... i just let it go with the flow now and i will not reach out to her also anymore..

[Dazla]

Jeebus, thats a prime example of the rebound if ever ive seen one....

 

Pene I cant say it enough, you really have to disappear from his life, I dont think theres any other option. Its gonna hurt, but trust me it hurts more if your still around in the long run, and as everyone has said they wont realise until your gone.

 

I dont know when that age old quote of "You dont realise youve got until its gone" was created, its sounds cliche but its the way a human works and its been round for centuries. Everything is taken for granted in life, until you dont have it anymore, and it WILL effect him, its different with everyone I appreciate but it will have an effect.

[Tearsbegone]

Jeebus, thats a prime example of the rebound if ever ive seen one....

 

Pene I cant say it enough, you really have to disappear from his life, I dont think theres any other option. Its gonna hurt, but trust me it hurts more if your still around in the long run, and as everyone has said they wont realise until your gone.

 

I dont know when that age old quote of "You dont realise youve got until its gone" was created, its sounds cliche but its the way a human works and its been round for centuries. Everything is taken for granted in life, until you dont have it anymore, and it WILL effect him, its different with everyone I appreciate but it will have an effect.

 

I think he's moved on and has filled his life with so many distractions and now women. He's probably used to living alone already. I'm just not going to do anything. He won't notice. That's the sad part and I don't want to lose my friend, but I guess this is what he wanted.

[Face2Face]

Well give it some time instead, i know patience is really hard but there ain't really another option.

Just do your thing for the time being and if you give him enough space he will reach out to you if you 2 shared so many memories. And if he does not reach out to you then he ain't worth it.

Don't blame yourself because you wanted it to work and you still want to put your efforts in it.

It is just hard if you opened your heart to this person and closing it just takes time because you need to accept the situation but if you have hope you keep it open for the time being.

[Face2Face]

Jeebus, thats a prime example of the rebound if ever ive seen one....

 

 

I know, it goes really fast. But sometimes it does work out and why do i have the strong feeling this one will work out?

They are living in the same city and i was her LDR with 40 minutes driving. I think that was her main issue because we only saw eachother in the weekend.

I told her when she was living on her own i would visit her more during working days but now she is with this other guy and he has the time to make it work instead.

He visits her during the week and the weekend... its hard feeling powerless....

[Face2Face]

Hmmm i get different tips and hints to get someone back whois in a relationship. But some are just the opposite of eachother.... it makes you go crazy and i guess you never know which one is the best because every situation is unique. The one i received now was this one; (what do you people think about it?)

 

 

One of the most difficult things is getting back your girl after

she has moved on to someone new...

 

But don't bother moping, because REMEMBER what you've lost does not

mean you've lost it forever.

 

Here are some quick and simple tips for learning how to get your ex

back even if she has moved on to another man and no longer appears

to be interested in you.

 

1 - The first step to getting the girl of your dreams back is

finding a way to convince her that she still wants you. Unless she

really, really does not want anything to do with you, then there

are a number of options that you can employ from this point on.

 

2 - One of the most advantageous things that you can do is simply

to be her friend. Make a really good friend to her, showing her

that you understand her and that you can be around her without

creating any drama. Show her that you can joke around with her and

have a healthy friendship with her. When the drama and stress of

the relationship and breakup have subsided, she may realize that he

wants you again.

 

3 - When you communicate with your ex girlfriend, be cool with her

but don't be afraid to have a little bit of attitude. You are going

to want her to want you, but you're also going to want to give her

the feeling that she cannot have you just yet. While playing games

is not the best way to go, you do want give an air of hard to get,

making her more interested in the process.

 

4 - You should be playing a little bit hard to get, but you also

want to make sure that she knows you are available. You shouldn't

completely rule out the concept of flirting and hanging out with

friends, because drumming up a little bit of jealousy never hurt

anyone - But it is important that you play it safe because if she

doesn't think you are available, she probably will not find the

motivation to pursue you.

 

5 - Avoid acting desperate at all costs. If you act desperate, your

ex girlfriend will underestimate you. You are going to want to play

things cool, letting her know that you are okay with everything

that has happened, and that you are willing to move on. If you act

desperate, things won't work out the way you are intending them to,

so avoid doing this at all costs.

 

6 - Any time that you know she is looking at you, or if you feel

like she is looking at you, look at her out of the corner of your

eye. This sidelong glance will let her know that you are paying

attention to her, but in a mysterious "you can't have me" kind of

way.

 

7 - Casually remind her of some of the best times that you have had

together. These good memories will help him to remember how good

the two of you used to be together. Don't bring up any bad

memories, because it will only hurt her bad side, which will not do

you any good.

[rinoa]

Wow... I'm so glad to have found this thread. It really gives a lot of insight into rebound relationships. I hope someone can give me advice on my case.

 

I've been with my ex fiancee for 3 1/2 years (I'm 26 and he's 28), 2 1/2 of which was spent living together. We were very close with each other's families, everyone seems to think that we'll end up married. I was his longest and most serious relationship. He dated other girls for as long as 1 1/2 yrs and didn't introduce them to his family and friends.

Around December last year, he became friends with this group in our office. I used to work with him but left early 2011 to focus on a business we put up together. I wasn't particularly fond of this group of people since a couple of them are known to be cheating on their wives, and they're always out drinking together (they work graveyard so when work ends at 9 am, they'll be drinking from 9 am til 6 pm that day). I don't have any problem with my guy drinking, as long as it's moderate and it's occasional. You see, when he first got together with this group, he developed stomach ulcers and was told by the doctor to stop smoking and drinking. Another thing is that, there's a couple of flirty girls in our office that's within this group, one of which had clearly expressed interest in my fiancee. Since he started hanging out with this group, we stopped doing our routine. We usually stay at home on weekends, preparing meals together, doing chores, having DVD marathons and going on date nights. I know this may sound a bit boring and I admit that since December I've been lacking on the 'excitement'. I got too absorbed with work that he complains that every time he goes home, and even on Sundays, I'm working. I just wanted to make him proud and prepare for our future ( I know he's doing the same thing, he's very responsible at work) since we're planning on getting married next year.

Then since February of this year, we started having frequent fights. About everything. He seems to get irritated easily. He wanted space and everytime he asks me for it, I panic and refuse to give him space (immature and sad on my part). I went on a business trip last March for a couple of weeks and when I got back, I found out that he spent his weekends this group, drinking and hanging out. The weekend after I got back, he went home drunk and crying, telling me that he loves me so much but he doesn't understand why our relationship is falling apart. He says he's having a hard time saying no to his friends and that he wants to quit his job so he can get away from them. I told him that I trust him and that it won't be necessary to quit just to make it work.

Everything fell apart on the last week of April.I got hurt because that weekend we were suppose to go out on a lunch date but he was late for 3 hours. One of my friends texted me saying they saw him at a bar with this group. I went to the bar and saw him and this girl seating together, drinking. While his friends are all grinning at me. He told me to go home, the next day he came home and wanted to break up with me. When I started to cry, he cried and said he doesn't understand what's happening with us. He said that at times he's irritated and angered and say mean things to me like he doesn't love me anymore but he said that he's saying that because he's angry. I decided to give it another go and told him that we'll work it out but the week after that, he didn't come home. He kept on giving me excuses that on that friday, I broke up with him saying that I don't know him anymore. Well I found out that after we broke up, he didn't come home to his family's home either. This sent me into full on panic mode, I went to his family's place that week and asked him to fix things up. He didn't want to. Telling me that he doesn't love me anymore. He wants us to be friends, and I made the mistake of crying in front of him. 2 weeks into our breakup, he sent me a picture of us via email, saying it was sent by mistake. He asked me to meetup with him so I can get my stuff. I told him that he can leave it with my friend but he insisted so I agreed. Everything went well with the meeting. He even asked me to have lunch with him at one of our favorite diners. I asked him if he was dating the girl from his group since one of my office friends suspects that they are dating, he denied it.

Then that weekend, I needed to get some files from him so I dropped by at their place. He wasn't there and his mom told me that I can just get it directly from his computer. While I was copying my files, I saw folders of pictures of him and his friends. Out of curiosity, I looked at it and saw pictures of the girl and him kissing. There were pictures of them on an out of town trip, dated the week after we broke up. This girl was all over him. I saw pictures of they're friends laughing with them while the two of them were drunk, hugging and kissing each other and smoking. I don't smoke and I don't drink that much, since he always gets mad at me when I drink. Anyways, I was crying in front of the computer and didn't notice his mom was standing behind me, crying as well. She was so disappointed with the pictures and got mad. She asked me if I knew where this girl lives and we went there since I found out that his mother was wondering where he's staying since he left our place. When we got there, she spoke to the apartment manager (she was living in a 24 sq m studio apartment) and found out that he is staying there with her. Apparently, they're used to this girl going home with different guys but lately only my ex was the one showing up. He also said that the place is a mess since she's always drinking, not cleaning up, etc. We found out that the 2 went on a 5 day vacation (the last one we took was last 2010 because we were always busy). When my ex got home after their vacation and found out that we knew he was dating the girl, and that we went to her place he got really angry. He deleted my pictures on facebook and replaced it with the girl's photos. He posted a nasty remark as a status saying that 'you can say whatever you want about her but you can't stop me from loving her'. This girl changed her photo as well to theirs and this was just almost 3 weeks after our breakup! But the thing is, on the 3rd week of May, the girl left for Canada and won't be coming back til end of next year (we're in Asia).

Since then, he's been showing off how much he loves her, posting statuses about how much he loves her, posting pictures of her and being super active on facebook (he hates people who uses facebook to show public display of affection before) than he usually is. He's posting every couple of hours or so.

At first, I got depressed. I cried everyday since our breakup and even more when he started showing off on facebook and making it seem that we didn't even happen. I moved back to my parents' place since they left for the US as well and it helped tremendously in me moving on. I was starting to accept everything until about three weeks ago I was throwing up. I realized I was delayed for 2 months and did a pregnancy test. A positive one. I had ultrasound and found out that I'm 2 months pregnant (I'm almost 3 months now).

I told him and he told me that he'll support me financially, I told him that I don't need it and I just wanted to let him know. He called back and asked a lot of things about my family, our place etc. He asked me to keep his new phone number. He told me to keep in touch with him and update him.

My question is, should I keep in touch for the baby? It sems he's head over heels with this new girl and completely forgot about me. I want to get him back but I don't know if no contact works and if he's really in a rebound or in love with this new girl who's my complete opposite.

[Militia890]

I believe some of those tips have their merits (situation dependent of course). I'm doing something similar, using some advice my friend gave me. Basically I'm just doing my best to be a good friend while working through the issues I had. Don't talk about the relationship, don't talk about the changes I'm trying to make to myself, just be a friend. Bread and butter it. I believe in my case this is a much more effective approach than just cutting her out of my life. And who knows? Maybe the new me's actions will speak volumes to her one day and she'll realize that I really am a better man. Assuming the guy she's dating currently isn't super amazing.

[Face2Face]

I believe some of those tips have their merits (situation dependent of course). I'm doing something similar, using some advice my friend gave me. Basically I'm just doing my best to be a good friend while working through the issues I had. Don't talk about the relationship, don't talk about the changes I'm trying to make to myself, just be a friend. Bread and butter it. I believe in my case this is a much more effective approach than just cutting her out of my life. And who knows? Maybe the new me's actions will speak volumes to her one day and she'll realize that I really am a better man. Assuming the guy she's dating currently isn't super amazing.

 

Can you explain why in your case? i am still figuring out what would be the best situation for me... Well in my case my ex gf already has someone and she says, we are almost living together,... i don't know why she tells me those details. Just trying to annoy me or something.

[Militia890]

Can you explain why in your case? i am still figuring out what would be the best situation for me... Well in my case my ex gf already has someone and she says, we are almost living together,... i don't know why she tells me those details. Just trying to annoy me or something.

I can try to explain, there are many reasons why I'm doing what I am.

 

First, I think going NC or even LC will just push her away. She has abandonment issues, due to some childhood stuff. I know if I go all "don't know if we can be friends" she'll just hate me for it and cut me out of her mind completely.

 

Second, she no longer has any feelings for me. She checked out before she broke up with me. That was very hard for me to accept, but I did with time. I know that those feelings for me may never come back. But, if I honestly do clean up my act and change, the best way to show her those changes would be to be her friend. Basically, I see this as just starting new with her. I have to rebuild her trust in me, I cant do that by being distant.

 

Third, it's how I got her back the last time she broke up with me. I never broke contact with her, and I just was her friend. I didn't really change the last time though, I thought I did but we fell into the same issues. This will make it doubly hard winning her back again. But at the very least, I've learned what it takes to really change oneself this time around

[mbb1]

Ok here is my question if anyone can give some insight-- what if you do get back together with your ex eventually, who did have a full blown relationship with someone else while you were apart... a rebound or not, it was a relationship that started within weeks of your breakup... so after the 2 of you reconcile and begin a fresh start, how do you get their "rebound relationship" out of your head and get past it ? is it even possible.

[WestWing]

Can you explain why in your case? i am still figuring out what would be the best situation for me... Well in my case my ex gf already has someone and she says, we are almost living together,... i don't know why she tells me those details. Just trying to annoy me or something.

 

It is called anger and that is a good sign for you. It doesn't matter who ended the relationship, she is angry with you because it just didn't work. Now, she is trying to show you that she deserves more and has a better life without you. Try to don't contact her.

 

It happened to me years ago. After 2 year relationship, my bf dumped me for someone else. They were almost living together as well, what was great since they started to fight really soon. His rebound lasted 3 or 4 months. Then he came back and tried to fix things with me, but it was too late. Once I saw him I realized I didn't like him anymore, it was just my pride what had made me want him back.

[Face2Face]

Wow you pursue your true love if it will be the third time to get a relationship with her! I do hope it works out man and you evolved and she will notice how you have changed yourself. And as you say every situation is different and i do think you are doing right to keep some kinda contact with her to show you care and are there for her. I think the third time will take alot more time and patience. She would not re-open the door fast this time and she would think twice about it. Well just don't mention it for the time being and when you meet (if you have a chance to) then you could show you have changed... But i think you should not blame yourself for everything because thats what i can read from your explenation. Well she had some history so maybe you also mention her who needs some changes. She needs to evolve also even with a history like that or she will have problems in every future relationship. Well she already explained what happened to her and that is a big thing because she trusts you with such information which is so private. Even people in a relationship do not show everything about their past because they are ashamed by it or just want it to rest but this would only bring more issues in the relationship because the partner just don't understand why they handle differently in some situations.

 

Hope you will come back with her man as you sound you really care for her and you really love her.

[Face2Face]

Ok here is my question if anyone can give some insight-- what if you do get back together with your ex eventually, who did have a full blown relationship with someone else while you were apart... a rebound or not, it was a relationship that started within weeks of your breakup... so after the 2 of you reconcile and begin a fresh start, how do you get their "rebound relationship" out of your head and get past it ? is it even possible.

 

of course it is possible. People go into a rebound for many reasons or a new relationship after you broke up. They are missing the void or are misssing the daily routine and love they received. Some people miss this alot when it is suddenly gone and especially for girls they take a rebound for emotional reasons and make decisions based on emotions. After a few months they realise this butterfly effect was nothing much then an empty treasure chest and they do breakup because they did not solve their past breakup. For men this is mostly a rebound because of the sexual intensions and they feel they need to hunt for someone new pretty soon. They also want to forget about the past asap but often they realize this new relationship isnt what they thought it would be and they only satisfied a few basic needs. If you 2 truly love eachother then you can overcome this. Be honest about eachother and why you 2 broke up in the first place, talk about it when the time is right and you both aint in the emotional rollercoaster. Just be clear what caused the breakup will not occur again and rebuild the trust you 2 once had. If you loved someone once you can love them again, never say never....

[Face2Face]

It is called anger and that is a good sign for you. It doesn't matter who ended the relationship, she is angry with you because it just didn't work. Now, she is trying to show you that she deserves more and has a better life without you. Try to don't contact her.

 

It happened to me years ago. After 2 year relationship, my bf dumped me for someone else. They were almost living together as well, what was great since they started to fight really soon. His rebound lasted 3 or 4 months. Then he came back and tried to fix things with me, but it was too late. Once I saw him I realized I didn't like him anymore, it was just my pride what had made me want him back.

 

Yes she tries to bully me with alot of things lately while i was so good for her and cared/loved her alot. I just can't understand why she wants to hit me right in the heart. I didnt show my emotions and said i was happy for her but i can't be friends right now. I don't know if her rebound would last a few months or it would continue because it was a LDR of 40 minutes apart and now they live in the same city. I don't know if she will reach out to me but for the time being i am still embracing my love for her and i can't open myself for someone else yet. Not sure if i take her back after these months because maybe it is also my pride which i want to restore like you say. Well only time will tell i guess and i can't do much right now can i....

[rinoa]

Please help

[WestWing]

Don't worry dude, it is very normal. My recent ex is now posting pictures and crap about his new partner in Facebook (I have deleted him but we have lots of friends in common) and I perfectly know he is doing this to call my attention. It is like saying: "Look how happy I am". Of course I am not going to join this twisted game and I'll just keep NC. It is childish and shows his weakness. The fact is: he wouldn't need to show anything to anybody if he was really secure of his new relationship.

 

It is the same with your ex gf. My advise: let her new relationship run while you keep NC. Their "love" will die sooner than later, specially if they are already living together. Once they break up, she will come back to you, but then I am pretty sure you will not want her back. As humans, we just want what we cannot have.

[Clueless90]

Militia - Im no expert, but Ive NEVER known of a rebound relationship actually working out?

 

I'm no expert on this subject either but it kinda happened to me. My first serious boyfriend and I were together for about a year and a half and in that time we must've broken up like 6 times, mostly him due to a bunch of reasons including college and school etc and I broke up with him probably the last time.

Me and my ex slept together once after we broke up and I think he thought we would work out and maybe so did I but we hadn't spoke of anything of the sort at that point when a guy I went on a couple of dates with and someone who I knew from college for about a year asked me out. We ended up dating and after a week we fell in love and after 2 weeks dating he asked me to move in with him and I did. We had an almost 2 year serious relationship but a couple of months ago he wanted to go on a break blah blah and so here I am planning on ways to get him back.

 

The point I'm trying to make is that yes for a lot of people rebound doesn't work and you end up going back to your ex (hopefully my ex will not be rebounding and if he does I hope he sees sense) but my first serious boyfriend he came back to me a lot of times whilst I was with my recent ex wanting a second chance blah blah blah and up until a month ago he was still asking if he could give it another go with me but I have moved on and just want to make it work with my recent ex. I think after my first serious relationship ending I did kinda go into my next relationship thinking it was a bit of a rebound but it actually went the complete opposite.

[WestWing]

The point I'm trying to make is that yes for a lot of people rebound doesn't work and you end up going back to your ex (hopefully my ex will not be rebounding and if he does I hope he sees sense) but my first serious boyfriend he came back to me a lot of times whilst I was with my recent ex wanting a second chance blah blah blah and up until a month ago he was still asking if he could give it another go with me but I have moved on and just want to make it work with my recent ex. I think after my first serious relationship ending I did kinda go into my next relationship thinking it was a bit of a rebound but it actually went the complete opposite.

 

This is probably the reason why your rebound worked for you. Your ex remained in the picture all this time, so he didn't give you the chance to miss him. But come on, if you don't want him back, stop all the contact to let him heal.

[Clueless90]

I don't contact my ex he contacts me and tells mutual friends and to me that hes not done with us whereas I am. He wasn't always in the picture and though he told me a couple of times near the beginning of my last relationship and towards the end, in between we didn't have any contact for almost 2 years. It just shows that even if you don't have contact for a long time it doesn't make someone else miss you and come back to you if they are completely and totally done with you like I was with him. Just my two cents. Even though I want my recent ex back and I know my first boyfriend is still single I wouldn't go back. He recently contacted me and wanted to be friends again but I said no because he was still hoping we could get back together and that a friendship would be out of the question as it would be hard on him. Plus he is so convinced I have feelings for him still (not at all) that its so annoying and I don't want to lead him on. I am a little saddened for him that more than 2 years after we broke up that he is still in the same place he was and hoping our very broken and old relationship can be given a second chance. I truly hope he finds someone.

[WestWing]

but my first serious boyfriend he came back to me a lot of times whilst I was with my recent ex wanting a second chance

 

That is what you said at first. Anyway, if he still thinks there is a chance it is because something is wrong. Maybe you are being too nice or polite with him. Don't let him contact you, just don't answer nor reply his calls. It hurts at first but it is the only way he will be able to move on.