Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship

[knockoff]

Will this not make her think Iv seen my ass & I'm playing games ?

[Thorshammer]

Will this not make her think Iv seen my ass & I'm playing games ?

 

No... you are a father now, thats it.

 

She is pushing and pulling, probably to have a back-up (maybe this rebound is still around). Flip it on her and dont care, and go date with someone else when you are ready. Women dont want a puppy, they dont want to feel like you are their son, be a man and be a challenge, not a door-mat. Even if it doesnt work, who cares... pulling doesnt work, no matter how much she feeds you that you think a pull here and there will get something, so what is there to lose?

 

When you visit your daughter, go there like life is great. Look important, look like the situation doesnt phase you and like your ex is just the mother of your child.

[knockoff]

Thanks for the advice , well appreciated .

[Nick Lansing]

No... you are a father now, thats it.

 

When you visit your daughter, go there like life is great. Look important, look like the situation doesnt phase you and like your ex is just the mother of your child.

 

I agree with this. I would add that being a good, reliable dad to your kid is attractive as hell too. I have two daughters with my ex-wife. I never showed off after we split (I'm not great at acting), but after a few weeks of weakness I firmed up and was just a good, strong father to my kids when we met up to exchange them, which is the only time she ever saw me. No funny business, just polite, reliable, solid, and on my way. Eventually she came crawling back, begging... The cards had been flipped. by then it was too late to go back; I really had moved on and met someone else (my ex-ex!

 

Of course there's more to th story than that, but my experience is that the sooner you get over the initial shock/ trauma of being dumped after a long-term relationship, the sooner you start to look attractive again

[knockoff]

Cheers again , gonna give this a shot , Iv got nothing to loose , this will also help me move on , if she comes back she comes back if she doesnt , Iv moved on .

[ZackMorris]

Is there a place where we could read the extended version about what happened with the first ex? Would love to read an essay on that one.

[kyoko07]

Hey guys my ex of 4 years dumped me 2 months ago. For a time I was initiatied contact with him, asking him out etc etc until one night he told me straight up that he didnt want to be with my anymore. My ex and i were involved in an on/off relationship and we were each others firsts as well. The reasons for us breaking up was because I kept shutting him out whenever i had a personal problem, like telling him his advice wasnt helpful and refusing to see him.

 

Reasons for this was because i didnt want him to be around me when i was depressed and I told him to go out with his frends instead.

 

Anyway my ex has a new gf now and he seems very happy (as hes always posting on FB). Two days ago, i found out that he rebounded on a mutual frend of ours, like making out with her, holding her when they were out etc etc. He stopped doing these things with her when he told her he started developing feelings for the current gf. For sum reason, i cant help but think that this is also another rebound relationship just on another level...

 

Can any1 offer me any advice or help on how to get my ex back? Ive been improving myself during the last time i spoke to him (october 7th) and its killing me that hes with sum1 new.

[knockoff]

Disapear out of the picture , don't contact him , don't be friends , have a look at the first page of this post , all the info you need is there

[knockoff]

just thought id give you guys an update , my ex is seeing somebody else, after telling , she wasnt , and isnt interested in a relationship , yeah im beat up about it , but theres nothing i can do , im the door mat & im an idiot for being that doormat.

 

 

Im now going no contact with her for me ! to get me over this to let me move on, in a way this will help me her seeing somebody else, we share a daughter together & i will be civil to her thats about it, i will not be friends with this women, as i feel used and abused by her, keeping me on the back burner as a back up plan until something else came along

 

i would like to thank everybody for there support & advice, it helped alot , to understand the situation

 

thank you

[sicot]

I was with this girl who I taught would be the love of my life . She decided to call it quit 5 months ago,,her reasons to live me were because I was overly controlling and abusive..we were together for 3 years, and she is 5 years older than me, I am 25 she is 30..i have a lot of regrets for what happened because i felt like it was my fault for her leaving,she was once told me i was the best she ever had ,and i brought good things out of her, that she never done for any of her exes.i never committed myself to any one the way i did to her, i was a good man of course with some mistakes which now i am getting professional help. After She left, i decided to go after her to get her back ,because I was wrong, i spend two months trying to figure out a way to gained her back, by then we were messing having sex here and there, while she was still in the state of mind where she was so confuse she didn't know whether or not she should come back to me. But the whole time, she had me believed that she need time, to think but she will eventually come back to me,which later, I happened to realize she was just hold on to me while something better come along.

 

People i was dead wrong for what i did. Now i am ashamed of it.and i am learning my lesson. After two months i happened to find out ,she is talking to somebody else, I confronted her about it, she admitted ,of course i wasn't too happy but what can i say..so i asked her ,what are her attentions with us? Her respond were "IDKN" where before she used to respond to the same question "Oh yea we ll get back together ,but not now,give me time"She used to give me hope that's why i decided to hang around. I loved her and for Christ sake I still do.

 

After i found out a week before her BD she was turning 30, I decided to take myself out of the picture,but before i do so ,I asked her out for her BD in a date , she agreed ,i took her out ,we had a nice and wonderful night, I bought her a nice lilt gift,not to convince her to take me back, but since i was with her for so long and used to lived together, shared everything together, i wanted to show her that she meant something to me. That night we had sex. She was telling me how much a good man i have been to her,I am everything a woman could ever want but she just cant take the abusive part form me. she make it sound like She had to leave me. So after i start contacting her less and less,and she she stopped seen me too because she said that is not fair for her to be seeing two guys at the same time. So she turned all my invitations out,but she pick up my call whenever i call. So i back off for a couple week ,then one day i decided to give her a call ,i invited her for a drink after work ,she agreed,we met, we had a wonderful time ,she cried how much she missed me and,how much she still love me, but she put herself in a situation by getting somebody else involve because she wanted to move on. Now she want to be with me,. but doesn't want to hurt the other guys. So i asked her to meet up again she agreed, we did it for like four time ,and all those time we had a good time. she asked me if i am talking to anyone I said yea but nothing serious,and also said that by hanging out with me make her confuse ,she doesn't know what to do.She also told me she doesn't know if she should let something guaranty(which is me) go over something else. Which had me believe that she just using me has a safety net.

 

For all those four times we meet up at a bar after work, i told her ,"listen if we decided to do this, it is just going to refresh everything we have for each other, so i need to know if her intention is to work on things slowly with pressure but with the assurance that we ll get back together, instead of leaving things on hope which is not healthy for both of us."her answer to me were she just want be happy, So after hearing this for her ,i decided to stick around to show her i can be the man she was once fall in love .so i asked her out again, which she ended giving me excused every time ,stood me up on and on..That day her and I were suppose to go out, she stood me up that night, she didn't even call me. The next morning she decided to call to apologized again. so pick up the phone and said HI to her ask her hows is everything going, and i also told her the reason i pick up the phone is because , i want us to stop seeing nor talking to each other ,where we both should decided to move on,And i also told her the only reasons this roller coaster go on, is because i want something good to come out of it. not lies or game. She had the opportunities to said know but she didn't instead lied to me.its become more that a game to me now. i cant let this go on.So she agreed and I hang up.

it has been three weeks now with NC, until recently she block her number to call me to say hi ,I was nice to her i said hi ,AND WE HAD A THREE MINUTED CONVO,and hang up..

 

That is what i went thru form jun till now. I still do love her, now my ex ex ex ex come out of the blue come back in my picture, we are talking again,,now i still love a recent ex while a other ex ex ex ex is interested on working out a lost love from 6 years ago with me..That ex that decided to left me 6 years ago because i cheated on her ,went of out to finish college, have a career in modeling, have her own business, and career decided to come back to me. Now i am seating here dkn what to do...with the hope my recent ex will come too in my pic..plz help me.....

sorry about the long post.....

[Thashow]

Hi,

 

This is my story off course similar to anyone else's..

 

Me and my ex has been together for a year and a half.. It sort of started kind of messy being in the same business and she being afraid of loosing her job because of seeing me..

Anyhow we have been on and off 3-4 times during this period and a few weeks ago she said we really need to figure out what we shall do with this relationship, either we break up or we

start a family sort of.. I need a week to think things over. I had said to myself next time she needs to think I'm out. And I have had this other girl contacting me for a month or so.. so I thought

what the heck.. my (ex) needs to figure out if she wants to be with me and the other girl is chasing me.. It's time to move on..

 

So I went to her apartment saying it's over.. I can't stand this on and off anymore. A few days later I hear she's dating this other guy (obviously a rebound) and I off course dating this new girl..

However this new girl how beautiful she is.. isn't as funny as my ex!! bringing me to miss my ex like crazy.

 

My ex and I meet up after two weeks and she says she loves me but has to make her mistakes now and is really scared of loosing me BUT won't let her new rebound go away. I don't want to be the old

confy shoe for her to slip in when everything is hard.. So I told her.

 

1, I'm glad our relationship is over, I miss you but not our thing..

2, I'm dating a new girl now as you know and I have to see where that gets me

3, Call me if you want.. I won't be there for you other as a friend

 

She said she won't contact me as i'm mean and made her disappointed and now i'm in NC for a month or so.. She also unfriended me on Facebook.

So my dilemma is really..

She being in a dating relationship with her rebound, being angry with me dating someone new.. is there a better way of winning her back because I miss her like crazy than

going NC for a month, LC for a month and then see what happens..

 

She also said she won't be in a serious relationship with anyone until she has as strong feelings as she had for her ex.. (she was the no2 girl and I understand her feelings for him was

combined love and "you want what you can't have") and she off course had me too much!!

 

Whats your advice regarding this?

 

Thanks

[shortway]

I need some advice.....Ok so my situation I completely screwed up "no contact" initially as I am sure alot of us had.However,I think I'm on the right track..My situation is I have been talking to this guy for 15mths.He lives in another city which I frequent alot.We talk probably every other day and hd a great connection.He as asked me there for christmas.However,he was going on vacation I found out so I said I would wait to buy a ticket until he gets back because I wanted to be sure of making such a move.I had reluctancy because he was speaking to a girl from there a while back.He was going with about 5 guys and to do work as well..On the way to the airport he assured me there would be no girls and he even reassured a mutual family friend on the phone. Well he gets back and while he was away I had writing"baby with hearts" on his FB page...He comes home and deletes it.He goes and friends a NEW girl from the vacation area and she immediately writes on his wall.In the meantime I addressed the deleted of my post,and re-wrote it just to bust chops.So he left it..I however asked htis girl who she was,she said" a friend"..So I said"i'm his love,I suggest if you are just a friend then don't write that one men's fb page"..I said I am due to spend christmas with him..She says'It isn't important that you are spending christmas with him'.I then wrote her on the public page of his saying she is psycho and that to not call me or anyone in his family names..The mutual friend of ours addressed him in an email as well..He deleted us both but kept her.....Upon this I panicked and tried to resolve the issues I brought into it etc..At his mercy I have become..I found out that,(and this went for my ex as well)....The more I would write,almost immediately the guy will write on her page.As if they know they have this options os they go to secure the other option.So for i have been here and he hasn't felt my absence.I sent him text saying"we aren't friends,until you understand what you have done,I know you are pursuing her and talking to her on fb"..I have outed him in every aspect.I have been a wreck.i know he isn't going back to this vacation spot anytime soon,but whta is he going to invite her for a holiday next????....The bottom line is I'm trying to get my power back and that is by using reverse psychology like"I'm leaving him..Saying "listen we are not friends".... He knows I am due to go to this area now with our mutual friend and he is being a total coward.So I am wondering if you agree with me removing myself from the arena and flipping the situation...I am literally shocked by what he has done.He has ruined my christmas..I still care for him and we weren't technically serious boyfriend and girlfriend,but his rules should only apply to me on how I shouldn't see anyone etc?...It is all new,as yesterday was my last text to him..I don't know what wil happen when I see him in the area.the major problem I have is his lack of respect.He is respecting some hooch off an island more than a girl who has been there for 15 mths..I am sure this girl is loving this!..I'm too old for this nonsense.

[Gent09]

I think love4life has a very good point here and I've seen it happen. I would also say I've seen more women do this to dumpees.

 

OK my theory? Bear in mind this is my experience of women from the point of view of a man and I've seen far more women than men do this and far more women than men do the rebound route in my humble opinion. The other way around may be different. I've dropped in here from time to time so I thought I'd throw in my 2 cents worth(oh oh) [...]

 

 

 

GEES! This is amazing...Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts about this so clearly. I think you nailed it!

[clueless9999]

ok....so i was with my gf for 9months, she dumped me on xmas eve, supposedly she doesnt “feel that way for me anymore for a few weeks” though we were out 5days before that and she told me she had fell for me (she claims she was confused and emotional wen drunk). Anyway my friend had been interested in her at the beginning but backd off wen realised she was with me. My friendddd then started up a sports massage business and i got my gf 2 sessions with them just being nice as you do. I began to notice my gf gettin distant an was weary of my supposed friend. So when she dumped me i opened my heart up to my friend an said how i loved her an didnt no how this happened etc, friend gave me advice. So really missing my gf (now ex gf) i go to her dads were shes stayin at, her dad let me in, i go up to her room and find my friend in bed with my ex!!! i was sooo angry and hurt and just words cudnt describe. My so called friend who i opened up to had been chattin to my gf on facebook squirming her way into her head and then 4days after she dumps me and jumps into bed with her!! buttt my ex wants to be friends still and they just dont understand how this is all wrong. My ex says it shouldnt bother me cos she was single and hadnt had feelings for me in a few weeks (im guessing from the massage i paid for) but i didnt no she had lost any feelings until xmas eve and then 4days later she sleeps with my mate… like wat!!! i still want my ex back i no there both to blame and it takes 2 but im sooo lost!!! and blame my supposed friend alot more.

 

Now after 2 weeks of being constantly together i think there falling for other and its like another kick in the teeth. Its like my ex hasnt been alone the whole time weve been split to even think or consider what shes doing to me. Then again they could have been up to something for longer behind my back though i weirdly believe they werent.

 

i am trying my best to not contact her though i did send her stuff to help her with college work but i dont know what to do, what if its not a rebound rship as my mates very clingy an will tell her exactly what she wants to hear!! HELP!!!

[clueless9999]

ok....so i was with my gf for 9months, she dumped me on xmas eve, supposedly she doesnt “feel that way for me anymore for a few weeks” though we were out 5days before that and she told me she had fell for me (she claims she was confused and emotional wen drunk). Anyway my friend had been interested in her at the beginning but backd off wen realised she was with me. My friendddd then started up a sports massage business and i got my gf 2 sessions with them just being nice as you do. I began to notice my gf gettin distant an was weary of my supposed friend. So when she dumped me i opened my heart up to my friend an said how i loved her an didnt no how this happened etc, friend gave me advice. So really missing my gf (now ex gf) i go to her dads were shes stayin at, her dad let me in, i go up to her room and find my friend in bed with my ex!!! i was sooo angry and hurt and just words cudnt describe. My so called friend who i opened up to had been chattin to my gf on facebook squirming her way into her head and then 4days after she dumps me and jumps into bed with her!! buttt my ex wants to be friends still and they just dont understand how this is all wrong. My ex says it shouldnt bother me cos she was single and hadnt had feelings for me in a few weeks (im guessing from the massage i paid for) but i didnt no she had lost any feelings until xmas eve and then 4days later she sleeps with my mate… like wat!!! i still want my ex back i no there both to blame and it takes 2 but im sooo lost!!! and blame my supposed friend alot more.

 

Now after 2 weeks of being constantly together i think there falling for other and its like another kick in the teeth. Its like my ex hasnt been alone the whole time weve been split to even think or consider what shes doing to me. Then again they could have been up to something for longer behind my back though i weirdly believe they werent.

 

i am trying my best to not contact her though i did send her stuff to help her with college work but i dont know what to do, what if its not a rebound rship as my mates very clingy an will tell her exactly what she wants to hear!! HELP!!!

[Johny1988]

Ok so here is my story. I've met with my ex one of the first months at university. From the very first moments she i felt there is something really special in her and she felt the same way about me. We became very good friends after next couple of months and had a lot in common. But we didn't started dating as we both knew she is leaving for about 9 months abroad but we didn't talk about it. during that time we both realized that we really like each other and right after she came back our big love story begun. But it was my first real relationship so I was unfortunately doing all those stupid mistakes...i would do anything for her, whenever she called me over i left everything and went over to her and so i slowly became her puppy..obviously. But at that time i was not realizing that and i could see as she slowly loses interest in me but i didn't know why. We were together something over 2 years, but our problems started already after 1 year when i was abroad for some time and she "fell in love" with this older guy who could provide her much more then i did. But luckily our love survived it and she told me she realized she only wanted him for everything he could provide her with. That time i made a HUGE mistake and i cried as a little girl in front of her, telling her how i love her, promising everything and bagging. This is one of the examples women are mostly driven by instincts and are almost never rational in these things. But after couple happy months it went worse again, i was still doing stupid "relationship beginner" mistakes. After some time she told me that we should really brake up, even thou i know and she told me she likes me a lot, but she doesn't feel the same way as before. I was again stupid an cried and was down like never before. And she saw it all. After not that long she had her first rebound guy, it was not really a relationship they were just seeing each other for a while. But we were still friends and we were seeing each other on daily basis because i was hoping she realizes what she is feeling to me. Wrong! After this guy "dumped" her we were kind of back together again but it was mainly because she was sad and i thought it's gonna be good again. But we both knew she i leaving again for half a year. Before she left we were spending lot of time together and last day she was even crying, and saying she will miss me. First couple of weeks we were in touch a lot an i was happy because she was missing me and hoping after all this separation it will finally work out. But as one could expect she started to contact me less and less and i knew something is wrong. After a while she told me one day she has a new boyfriend. And when she says boyfriend i know it is going to be serious because she was always very careful to call someone a boyfriend. So now we are in almost no contact at all maybe we talk for 2 minutes each month. Even thou it's strange to say, this time without her helped me a lot! I finally realized all of the mistakes i was doing, how too good i was and how she could be always sure i will be here for her. Before she told me about the new guy i was really happy about myself that i finally realized all of this, worked on me hard during that time and knew when she comes back i will be able to be much better boyfriend for her then ever before. But now all of my plans are useless. Unfortunately for me this new guy seems to be exactly that kind of man she wanted, but i know he will never love her as i always will. As everybody was saying to us we were perfect for each other and i think the same if i think about it objectively. I realized it was all about me being childish and controlled by her even she didn't want it that way. My question is do you think there is any chance i can get her back now when i am finally the man i should be long time before. I know i will love her forever as i have never met a girl that is at least a little bit like her. I know she likes me and she thinks that i am a great guy but she told me we have met way too early and i am not experienced enough basically. What should i do to show her i really worked on myself, because if i will stay in no contact with her she will always have me for that childish guy who fell in love with her. Will this reversed psychology work for me now when she lost her hope i will change and gave me several chances already.

[Johny1988]

I mean i don't want to give her that feeling i ll be here for her forever, but i still believe that we are the best for each other, and however i m trying to forget about her i always end up realizing i really want to spend my life with her. How to show her i'm the best one for her but not make fool out of me again?

[LastMan]

Was hoping someone could give me some insight...

 

I was dumped 3 months ago by my ex of 3 years. I had cheated on her and was genuinely remorseful. She tried to forgive me in the aftermath but I think she had "checked out" during this time. Sure enough, she caught feelings for a coworker of hers and eventually told me about it. She ended it with me and I was pretty torn up.

 

I hung around for a little bit trying to endear her to me again but made all the wrong moves. She's now in a sexual relationship with this other guy and I had to suck it up and disappear. I do love her, but the trust was broken and I figured I lost her for good.

 

However, after going strict no contact she's been texting me again. Usually very impersonal questions about current events, lifestyle, etc. I've been completely ignoring her and not replying. I don't want to be her friend, and I don't want be available to her while she's with another guy.

 

However, I find myself feeling guilty about ignoring her, especially since I played a large part in the crumbling relationship. I'm hoping that by not responding to her and essentially becoming a ghost that she'll come looking for me. Not counting on it, but I really don't see any other option for me. I want this girl, but I'm torn over whether I should remain in her life in any capacity while she's in a new relationship.

[The Man Who]

If she really wants you back LastMan, she will eventually break and send out more personal texts or whatever to you. If you are in her life at all while she's in a new relationship it won't work, trust me, it just won't work and chances are it'll make you want her even more. Do nothing, it's the easiest way. Plus since she's actually in a relationship and you don't want to be her friend, what exactly is the point in being in her life then? :S

[LastMan]

If she really wants you back LastMan, she will eventually break and send out more personal texts or whatever to you. If you are in her life at all while she's in a new relationship it won't work, trust me, it just won't work and chances are it'll make you want her even more. Do nothing, it's the easiest way. Plus since she's actually in a relationship and you don't want to be her friend, what exactly is the point in being in her life then? :S

 

Thanks, that's what I needed to hear. It's frightening how the emotional aftermath of this break up has clouded my judgement.

[liquez]

Hi... I found this thread is very useful...

I would like to ask your opinion regarding my situation...

 

Basically, me (27) and my ex girlfriend (23) was together for around 9 months.. I found our relationship very deep and caring each other.

A little description about her: very beautiful, very care to me, love her family, i was the 1st boyfriend of hers, a little moody, and cannot bear heavy burden.

 

We rarely had a fight, but suddenly before new years eve, she talked to me that we need a break. I was OK with that but she still contact me. Then, a few days later on 31 December, we talked about NYE and i decided to celebrate NYE with her and her family in her house since they usually do that. We found it as if we were not on a break, we hug, kiss, and share dinner together. but after it finished, she still told me that we were still on a break for 7more days and i said OK.

 

F.Y.I, Monday, 2 January, was her first day ever of work. I just sent a Blackberry messenger to wish her luck etc (we use blackberry for communication). Then on Saturday, i called her to meet up, but suddenly she said that we better not seeing each other. she said that we don't have quite a lot of thing in common. I was really shocked. So i left her for few days alone.

I tried to visit her house after 3 days, but she didn;t want to meet me. I already prepare the "apology letter" so i gave her the letter. Until now, she hasn;t response. But finally, i know from the blackberry mesenger profile, that she already has a new guy (office mate) and looks like it;s only a matter of time they become lovers.

 

I have been very silence ever since the break up, i did not do any beg, plead, or etc. i wrote in the apology letter that i am sorry if i have hurt you and hope that can fix all, but i can take her decision if she did not to forgive me and we broke up.

Believe me, we did not have any big issue, even we broke up without a fight. it is all of sudden. well, i can tell you, that she is a kind of a girl that could not bear any heavy burden. i still believe that she is not a cheater.

 

Please advise... Thanks

[Wondering11]

 

Short version - 7 year relationship. I am 43, he is 61. I broke up in Jan 09. After a few months, we were able to call and talk, laugh, etc. I never made any move to go back. Around Christmas and into early Jan 2010, I realize I made a mistake. He had been using e-something for a few months, and had met someone in Nov. and has been seeing her ever since....

 

Have been reading here for a couple of weeks, because even at 43, I have never been so heartbroken or distraught in my life. I regret walking away, because I caused this situation and have no one to blame but myself.

Thank you,

Mitzi

 

What was it that eventually made you regret your decision?

[rig01]

Posted this elsewhere but I'm just looking for opinions...

 

Met a girl just before moving to a new city for school. She was a few months out of a 7 year relationship but said the love was gone long before she moved out. Our personalities meshed perfectly, and although things were sometimes really rocky they were great most of the time. I was in school, then struggled with finding a job after school ended, and after 2 years she broke up with me. Up until then she had been calling me her life partner and there seemed no doubt we'd stick together. Toward the end she started getting frustrated about her goals of having a house and family by her deadline of 35 - she's 32 - and that was a big reason, because she didn't see enough effort from me (I admittedly got depressed living really far from my friends and as a result we mostly hung out with each other). Shortly after I got a job, but she said she wanted to move back to her hometown (2 hours by ferry & car). She originally gave me until the end of November to move out, but in that time we got closer and it looked like we might work things out. Our landlord offered for me to stay since my ex was moving anyway, and my ex said she wouldn't mind. But I needed something closer to work so I turned it down. Then in early December, only a few days past the deadline, we ended up kissing one night. She initiated both the situation and the physical contact.

 

The next night she went out with a guy from work and stayed out until 2AM. The following day she said we got "too close", she didn't want to do this anymore, and wants me out. She started spending a lot of time out of the house, then suddenly took off for 2 weeks to stay with "a friend". She was evasive about it, her mother told me she was concerned too, and my landlord told me she's not moving back home after all. I found an apartment and packed up all my stuff before I flew home for Christmas. When I came back she was there. Her reason for not moving was "it would be a step back for me." When I confronted her about the guy, she revealed they've been in a relationship for a few weeks now. So this means they were "together" the whole time she was staying with him - and also means she started dating him the night after we got "too close". I asked her if it wasn't too soon and she said "It's someone I've known for quite a while" (which doesn't mean it's not rebound, but I didn't say that). I mentioned that our first ever problem was not giving herself enough time after her last boyfriend and she said that's not my concern. When I left, she said she really wanted this to work out, that she'd like to be friends once things aren't so stiff, and that she thinks we didn't work because of a few personality differences and similar flaws (which sounded like BS to me; she was justifying her behavior). This has all been quite a shock because of how abrupt and drastic everything is. I'm still reeling from it, and I haven't talked to her since I moved out a little over 2 weeks ago (except for when she texted to ask for my new address to forward some mail, and I just responded with the address).

 

I don't think any of what she's doing now is healthy, and here are my thoughts for and against why her new thing may or may not work:

 

AGAINST: She gets impulsive and panics in stressful situations, then regrets it. She was very sad to break my heart and felt guilty. She said she missed me and was doubting her decision up until the point when we got too close. She started dating someone the very next day. So she started this new relationship based on guilt, fear, panic, and confusion. She also started it by living with him for two weeks so she could have space from her ex who hadn't been able to move out yet and who she was confused about. She did all of this in the middle of changing a major life decision to move, and she might have changed her mind just because of him. During our rough patches she said she never got enough time to heal after her last boyfriend, that she might have still been punishing me for her mistakes for him, she needs to figure out who she is when she's single, and she doesn't understand why she does selfish and destructive things when she breaks up with guys. It was also important to her that I be healthy and get in good shape and exercise, and this new guy is in worse shape than I ever was.

 

FOR: She's stubborn. She might cling to this because he has an established career and can get her to her goals faster, regardless of whether they actually work together. She doesn't want to lose more time looking for someone else. If she did actually stay just for him, that might be even more reason to stick to her guns.

 

I have a feeling she's going to wreck this guy too, and most people I've talked to say it won't last long, but I'm looking for what other people think and predict might happen.

[emoryu]

what an insightful theory, I truly hope you're right... If so, I owe you...

[CindyTime]

Great thread!

 

My situation is a little weird, but a lot of this still fits.

 

First, I was the dumper (walked away from a 4 year R). There was fault on both sides, and we became complacent in our R. Such a shame because we really loved each other. But thankfully we were great friends before the BU and it ended on a good note. No fighting and mutual respect.

 

I had a rebound R that ended in less than 2 months. It took a little time but I realized I'd been a fool for not working harder at the R and I talked to my exBF (we had LC while we were apart, but never discussed our R, friends only). Toward the end of that 4 months, my exBF also started a rebound R (long distance with someone from high school).

 

We talked through a lot of what happened in our R, apologized to each other, and discussed some of our regrets. Then I let him go.

 

He is still in that LDR now (2 months after I reached out to him and apologized, 6 months post BU).

So now the dumper (me) feels more like the dumpee. Sigh...

 

Whatever role I am in right now, a lot of the advice here makes sense. I can say that as the dumper, this is how it played out.

 

As the dumpee (or whatever I am now).....the jury is still out on that. I am trying to find my balance.

 

My situation is also weird in that we have contact sometimes (mutual friends, church, and family ties). I am trying to juggle it all, and at first we had frequent contact. I made some of the mistakes we are warned not to make, and went into a friend mode with him. After getting some advice here, I stopped IC and went to a LC mode.

 

I have been working on myself and my own life, and trying to move on. I have a lot going on right now, so it helps pass the time. It's hard, but I'm getting there.

 

Meanwhile, my exBF has been reaching out to me via text at least every few days (I rarely initiate contact with him unless there is a reason). This is outside of church and activities where we see each other. I do respond. At first, I would respond quickly. Now I wait a little while before responding.

 

I wondered if he would stop contacting me if I stopped contacting him. It didn't happen that way, and it surprised me. He still texts me (all friendly chatter, and nothing about us). I am pretty sure he misses me (told me that when we first talked a couple months ago). I don't know what it means (if anything).

 

But as long as he is in this LDR (which he still refers to as his friend), there can be nothing for us. I also know that having the time to breathe and think has been healthy for me. (Maybe for him too.)

 

I love him and wish nothing but the best for him. I know he loves me too. Time will take care of the rest, and whatever happens, I will be in a better place.

 

Anyway, great thread! Thanks for sharing!!