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Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship


love4life

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just be cool take off all pressure....don't tell her she has to do this or that....I told her she'll have to give me something solid before summer break began, or else I would refuse to wait...see this kind of stuff is whats making her hurt just be cool you know shes missed up right now so why pressure her just be the good time guy....you say she wanted a break and you agreed but you spent the time trying to get back with her ...whats that really mean?

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I've found men or women who tell you they love you or start making excessive future plans in a matter of 2 or 3 months, is the kind of person that can lose their feelings just as quickly as they got them in the first place. They come accross as emotionally immature. It also feels desperate and that's not good either.

 

I wish I'd have read this before I started dating my ex. He is in fact emotionally immature.

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To respond to the OP's theory. It's very sound but doesn't work for everyone.

 

I first came to ENA 2 years ago after my on/off relationship with my ex came to a horrific end. I hoped we'd get back together but I think deep down that I knew that roller coaster had finally stopped. 2 months after the break-up he rebounded with one my coworkers who was also a friend that was SUPPOSED to be helping me through my breakup. She was no good. I was already in NC but I was so hurt and angry that I deleted and blocked everyone from facebook, deleted numbers out of my phone, etc.

 

5 months into the relationship, they're moving in together. Fast forward a year later and I just found out she is 7 weeks pregnant. HOWEVER! I do not want to be back with him and I've actually reached the point of feeling sorry for them. He never wanted kids. I heard he's not taking the news very well. He was finally putting his life together. When we lived together he had dropped out of college, didn't have a job or a car... he'd finally gotten a car, finished his associate's degree, got a job and they were moving so he could get his Bachelor's. A week before the move, they find out she's going to have a baby.

 

I knew a lot about her past because we'd been friends. I knew she had 2 abortions, gave a kid up for adoption, and had a miscarriage all before getting with my ex. When they first got together I SAID he'd get her pregnant. I was right. Now, even if the relationship works out or not, they are tied together forever.

 

Karma's a * * * * * .

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I'm a little uneasy because of how unsure I am that this will work. In the back of my mind, I hope that going NC/LC will let the rebound run its course and get me the desired result of getting her back/making the choice.

 

However, I know that I should be doing NC/LC for me. I matter. My feelings matter. I shouldn't be in the picture because I'd be putting myself second place to her feelings and the rebound's. So, I am adamant about saving myself.

 

But still, it's still sad if she stays with this guy and doesn't want to come back to me because of my NC...

 

I guess I'm just getting the jitters. I know that doing this is the correct thing to do.

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  • 2 weeks later...

after reading this forum it has got me thinking loads...

 

im going to forget about my ex, as it does seem when you think less and less about them it could mean she could come back.. and by then i would be strong enough to say no.

 

my story is:

my ex and me were happy for a year together. we broke up in april. she broke up with me, and after being in contact with a new guy for 2 months prior to break up she was with him instantly. i trusted her, and never dreamt she would do this to me. yes im stupid, but love is blind. 2 weeks before breaking up we booked a holiday. through out our time together she always said she loved me, and has never loved anyone as much as she loves me. then said she would die if we ever broke up. i reasurred her saying we wouldnt. we were happy. well so i thought. this new guy was trying to get with her. she called him a weirdo etc. that was in feb. i didnt know they were in contact until a few weeks before we broke up, but she had to have been. i was lying beside her while she text him and i still never questioned it! grrr how stupid am i! i did trust her with everything. so she TEXT me saying she wasnt happy anymore and i tried to make her change her mind as all our friends said how good we were, and shocked she ended it. they always said they wouldnt have seen her ending it - but me. i wouldnt have ever ended it. so, she decided she didnt know what she wanted for 3 weeks.. kept saying she didnt know, met up twice with me, kissed me once, and 2nd time she lay and cuddled into me, got naked (for a shower) and kissed my lips and face. then after 3 weeks said she didnt want me. inside those 3 weeks, i sent her flowers, letter, chocolate. no avail. then few weeks ago she deleted me of facebook by saying it would be easier for both of us. i didnt say nothing. next day she text saying she had a dream that i met someone else. then rang crying if i meet someone it will kill her, and she will punch us both. i didnt rise to it, as i knew she was with the new guy and she didnt know i knew. then she left one mutual friend on facebook and he told me they have being saying i love you to each other and talking of marriage, and that he is the best bf ever and basically just the meanest things aimed at me. it was my birthday the other day and she text happy birthday and she hopes im well. i just said thanks. i want no contact to get over her, and maybe this could get her back, i know i could never trust her again but saying that i still love her like crazy. i seen her at the weekend, and i have lost weight, looked good and she has put weight on and looked really sad, and her expressions where she knew what she has lost...

 

she has moved in with this guy, so i guess my hope of her coming back is over.

 

but somewhere deep down thinks its not going to work as they are rushing it, and that she has just replaced me after i told her no contact, its as if she is living in her own wee bubble and keeping out the hurt?

 

no contact is the only way to go with her, but while she is having the time of her life now i feel depressed!

 

she has obviously thought both situations over and picked him over me. wait till their honey moon period is over.. she will be in for a shock.

 

what do you make of this story?

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  • 2 weeks later...

From everything I have read on this forum, if she has moved in with the rebound after only a couple months it will end hard and fast for her. Keep doing what a lot of us here are doing, stay active, reach out to friends and focus on you! I know it's easier said than done but we can do this, you are not alone. just remember you can always vent it out on here.

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I can see that this thread ended sometime ago but I stumbled upon it whilst looking for answers to a truly awful situation in my life. I wish, really wish I had found it some 8 days ago as I recognize that i have acted pretty stupid at within that period but, thanks to the likes of Zorba I took a long hard look at myself and made some discoveries about myself that astounded me and so susbsequently think I've grown somewhat and more importantly, want to keep growing and become a better man! I want to be the best I can be, I think at the the age of mid 40's I just grew up!

 

Still dealing with hurt but can now, I've got it in a place when it is being dealt with and working hard on myself to learn from mistakes and fix them for me, not just to win someone back!

 

Thanks to all posters......................

 

BTW.....I joined this forum after reading Zorbas posts

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I'm brand new, but have read this thread throughout. I'm wondering how this effects mid-term relationships, if that's even a term. It's all a bit complex and deep so I'll give you the tragic details....

 

The relationship lasted seven months, in which time she grew to be smitten by me in ways she hadn't felt before. I was never concerned about her past and it was never raised by her. She'd just got out of a dead end relationship a week before, but she didn't seem vexed by this at all. It was all very matter of fact and emotionless. I mentioned it, and she merely stated that the guy was a mistake, overly angry and possesive and that they'd only held on to share their booked holiday before officially ending it on their return. She had felt frustrated and single during her time with him.

 

So, during our relationship that began in early October we went through the initial romance stages and she said that it was the best sex she had ever had and that it was her only experience of 'making love'. She adored this period and still recollects it with great fondness. We were extremely compatible, and as an otherwise happy bachelor of 35, I should know. We moved onto basic commitment around xmas time, which wasn't a problem other than her doubting my ability to commit in her terms. She felt that she couldn't convey them very well. Subsequently, we had a very short break up lasting two days in early January, which we almost immediately referred to as the Black Monday affair. Everything was resolved after this and we set up flightful fantasies in a mutually humorous, but also sincere and loving sense. She constantly cited butterflies, depth and desperate attraction as a guiding principle and put token reminders of her all over my house. She practically lived with me and called my house a place of zen. We went out and had a whale of a time, her suggesting that we had the best ever 'two man parties'. However, there was a lack of mutual friends and we began struggling for ideas. Soon after, we started to come accross differences and distance when she down graded her work at the end of March, which was much closer to her home. This continued through April and I saw signs of decay and lovelessness creaping in until she delivered the fateful news in May. She told me that she hated that the love had faded and had butterflies at my mere mention that I loved her - we hadn't exchanged these declarations during the relationship. She has said since that she wishes I had said that I loved her during our relationship, but has always spoken of it past tense.

 

Now, I didn't take it very well at first and also felt that she was close to a former male friend that she'd known for years, but hadn't been interested in. The following three weeks were an interspertion of needy texts asking for closure, the chance for reconciliation and how I felt about her. I also asked about this guy and she was extremely defensive in her responses. Then on week three, she announced on facebook that she was in a relationship with him, although this had clearly evolved over a little time. He was at her house a week after we split up and they were flirting like mad two weeks later. I went mental and sent angry and offensive texts. I then reconciled with her sister with some heart felt apologies and humility, stating that I thought that the way she had handled the break up was very poor. I then had NC for a week or so.

 

I then sent an apology text to her and she accepted it and opened up to me saying that she felt sad and guilty and regretful for both of our mistakes. We flirted around the issue of meeting up and I said that I didn't want to do it as an excuse to assuage guilt. I told her that she was free and forgiven as far as I was concerned. She also said that he meant absolutely nothing to her and that there were no butterflies, no depth, no desperate attraction, and that she was unhappy and felt hollow. She also said that she was lost and didn't know what she was doing. When provoked, she said that she was with him because he adored her and wasn't afraid to show it, unlike I had been. She said that I'd driven her to him and that she was just seeing him for the **** of it. She said that she hated what she was doing and was well aware that she was using him, saying that he is a good person in the process. She said that I was her love and that we made love like art, but that she was conflicted because although she felt these things for me there was distance. And she said that she'd die if she saw me again. Nevertheless, we met up one morning for a coffee at the train station some six weeks on. While there, she cried because she was sad, said that she was in love with me but didn't want to be, wanted to stay at the station longer and we held hands and walked along to the platform as if nothing had changed. She said that she cried on the journey home and every time she thought of me at the station. She conveyed a deep connection between us. Four days later after some more texting, I asked for closure and then ended contact, that being yesterday. She reluctantly gave me what I wanted and said her goodbye.

 

Now, I find the attraction thing from page one very interesting. She is a very pretty girl, and I look like Jonny Depp (excuse the crudeness!). She always thought that I was above her station in this depertment and looking at her past boyfriends I can see why. It would seem that this was the first time she had fallen in love with a love object rather than being the love object herself. So we have major control issues, which may tie into her unhappiness with me. And I'm aware that I let myself go, treated her and the relationship without the attention she is used to, and generally talked over her to breaking point. This other guy is not particularly attractive, though is known for his charm. He has been smitten with her for years and this is why she is with him, according to her. She has given me major red flags that it is a rebound relationship and has plastered the two of them all over facebook and their mobile phones, going on as if they've been together for years. Him adoring her as a love object and her pretending that he is a love object, so it would seem. This with a person she has never had any interest with for 4 years until I starved her of adoration.

 

I'm going NC now and have deleted every link to her. I ended it sweetly and left the door open. I'm now just wondering what the state of affairs is. As I say, I'm a long standing bachelor and have no problem finding women and flings and all of that kind of thing. My rebuilding has to come in relation to my receptiveness, outward happiness and routine, as I did become miserable, arrogant and lazy. So in the longer term, does this newly infatuated relationship akin to her significant teenage romance sound set to implode and will she come texting me for validation when it does? Or is it just a needy and confused young lady returning to her normal role of being adored? I personally feel that control is a major issue. And there is a doubt inside me that says that she hasn't been sincere and has just fed me with rubbish to let me down gently. Perhaps being lost is a natural condition for a 23 year old girl and feeling empty and hollow inside in this new relationship is simply because she has never been in love before.

 

Over to you good people....

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what a great take on it, this makes a lot of sense.

 

 

It's amazing how related things come up here all in the same day. this is the third time today.

 

I agree with your conclusion, but have a different take on why it happens.

 

When the dumpee stays in the picture, he/she gives the dumper an intense emotional connection to someone.

 

This leaves the dumper free to form a new purely romantic/physical connection and still feel complete, so the new relationship is encouraged.

 

But with the dumpee out of the picture, this new relationship is revealed as (sometimes) being empty and devoid of significance, so the new relationship fails.

 

Just a new theory I'm trying out ... does that make sense?

 

Zack.

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This is a very insightful and thought provoking thread. I've never heard of the application of reverse psychology applied in this manner. But all psychology involves the interaction between human beings. It does indeed seem to be a logical manner to proceed especially if you are the dumpee. You are in effect dumping them!

 

I do believe in the power of NC to take control of the situation and regain your power once you've been dumped and I know it works when applied correctly.

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I was with my ex for 14 years... we were and still are (until I went LC) best of friends. Due to along complicated history of sickness and his mental health issues we broke up. In the 3 years we have been apart he has had 7 (yep) very short term girlfriends none of which has worked out although he falls madly each time. In between times he tells me that "if I would be with any one it would be you" and that he's over all of the dating stuff and needs to work on himself....... and each time I fall for it and think we are working towards getting back together then WHAM another new woman/girl appears . Each time I fall apart badly. We have a young child between us and I honestly thought that her seeing us together and friendly was a good thing, he stayed over at least once a week, we had family holidays together...

Until finally this time when he hooked up with someone new I wrote him a letter letting him know what it was doing to me and how a friendship was dysfunctional if both sides do not desire the same thing. How I need to not see him for as long as it takes for me to move on - if at all. How I want to find someone new and fall in love and start a new family, how I want to show our child what a real family should be like.

That was 3 weeks ago and he hasn't replied. I see him very briefly when I drop off our daughter and that's it.

And I hurt so badly!

What has been said in this thread about still giving him emotional support so that he has the security to "research" new relationships rings true.

Please can someone give me a wee pat on the back and say "there, there, it will be ok".

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Hello Leo Dragon.

 

Welcome to ENA. I came to this site over a year and a half ago through this very thread.

Since then, I have expanded onto other threads and areas in this forum full of friendly and helpful people.

 

I am sorry to hear about the pain you must be feeling.

 

The 'flaw' lies with him. He can not remain committed to you.

 

How I need to not see him for as long as it takes for me to move on - if at all. How I want to find someone new and fall in love and start a new family, how I want to show our child what a real family should be like.

 

Well, you know exactly how to deal with the situation. Maintain a healthy distance from him and get on with your life. Soon...may be not so soon, you might meet someone else. Just take care of yourself and your little one for now.

 

Here to help.

 

TS

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well here's a turn up for the books...

I broke my LC yesterday - and yes I know that I shouldn't have but I had just had a counseling session where we were working through my childhood abandonment disorder, when my counsellor told me that she couldn't help me, that my problem was too big for her and that I needed to call lifeline (an anti suicide hotline) and see if they could help me find someone new... I wasn't feeling at all suicidal when I went in but after being "abandoned" by her too I certainly was at the end of the session. Wow, that was a really rough thing for her to throw at me after doing all of this regression stuff and leaving me wide open....very unprofessional.

Anyway i was sitting in my car bawling my eyes out and really panicking and having a hard time seeing how I could move on from her rejection too...and I txted my ex. He immediately rang me back and said that he loved me and that it was all a huge mistake, that he was stupid for not being able to let go of his anger over our breakup and that that he was living a half life without me and our family and he wanted us to be together again and if it took years of counseling together then that's what we should do.

I told him that I needed to work through my issues myself, that it wasn't his problem. He said that if the worst thing in the world happened he wanted to be by my side. He asked if he could call me again soon and I said maybe in a week or so, that I was still trying to get over him and move on with my life and that really he was the worst person for me to talk to right now. He was understanding and told me he loved me and that together we would work through this.

Gosh.

I am floored.

I know that I still need to work through my stuff and get healthy and strong again and I am determined to do that. And then we shall see?

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I had been dating my ex almost 6 years, and living together for about 2 years. She broke up with me about 7 weeks ago, and she had been doing some dating, but now I believe she has been seeing a certain guy for the past few weeks. We have both agreed to date other people, but of course her being an attractive female, she had an easy time of getting dates throughout the week.

 

The new guy she is with is more of a bad boy partier type, my ex is in her mid-late 20's. So I think she is reliving all of the years that she missed partying/dating etc...

 

We still live together, because we own a home, and neither of us are going to move out as of now(financial issues/mortgage). I do everything I can to get out of the house, and so does she, so we only see eachother for a short period of time each day and sleep in separate bedrooms. When I leave I don't tell her where I'm going, and she does the same, so we are on LC. When I do see her I keep the convo light and friendly, and try to leave on a high note. I have not given her any emotional support either with life stresses. I'm hoping that with the "rebound" guy, the excitement will wear off, and she will come begging back for me. But even in that scenario, I would have to think if that's even what I'd really want anymore...

 

Any advice on how to act when living together, and how to play the reverse psych??????? Thanks!!

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He asked if he could call me again soon and I said maybe in a week or so, that I was still trying to get over him and move on with my life and that really he was the worst person for me to talk to right now. He was understanding and told me he loved me and that together we would work through this. I know that I still need to work through my stuff and get healthy and strong again and I am determined to do that. And then we shall see?

 

and since then no mention of it all from him...nope, he was just pulling my strings again.

More fool me.

 

This does not make any sense. You just told him 4 days ago (less than a week) not to call you basically. You just vowed to focus on your healing and getting healthy and now you are upset that he has not raised an issue you basically told him not to and that you are not even supposed to be worrying about because you should be trying to get healthy. It does not make sense. You sound like you have had some serious struggles and need distance. Stick to that. Have you found a new therapist/counselor?

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you are right (although it had been 7 days not 4) I did say that we should talk later about this, that I was trying to get myself sorted out. I guess I was in such a funk that I didn't think it through properly and remember what I had said. I have found a new counselor who so far seems to be great and I am still going to try to sort my issues through with her before I make any decisions... LC still is the best way right now. Thank you.

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My ex(her name is Judi..by the way Im 22 and she is 26) broke up with me in February this year..we finally got together December(after all the waiting,talking ,texting,flirting and fwb..we are very close and care about each other alot..)I know that wasn't too long but our friendship was very strong and one of the reasons why at first I didn't really leave her behind(also me being still liking this woman..lol)..During February I made all the mistakes talking to her,helping her out,sometimes bringing up about the relationship,getting annoyed when she talks about this guy she likes..ugh..at first I was going to go NC on her but I didn't go thru it like I should..but when march hits..I just got tired of all the bs and drama..she getting mad at me for little things(like I called her kim(my ex) on accident..idk me and my mom have this problem with ppl names..but I RARELY do this..this was one of these times..sigh)..just to say she flip out got crazy mad was crying..throwing things..(I mean if u didn't care if I was with her and wanted to be friends u wouldn't do that...right)texting me pages on I never did this and she felt like I really never listen to her ..yea right..I was always there for her and her two kids..hell her kids enjoys being with me..and there was never a day we ever wasn't talking on the phone..I know her inside and out I know her horror stories from her Ex abused her,call her names,just pretty much treated her like a slave..and her pretty much having f'd up childhood life..she had a very hard life is all...she only had one true friend and that was sheri..and I was even above that by our friendship..she's insecure about her looks and sometimes(when we would have a very deep and emotional talk)herself..like she needs somebody and she also very sexual person and been with a few ppl where we work at(I already knew about all this cause she told me)...anyway

 

Around March I didn't talk to her or look at her or anything(cause we work at the same place at the time)and then she actually did it for me..lol she deleted me off facebook..I was mad..alittle..but it didn't hurt ..at all..cause really she needed me more than I needed her(I mean i care about her but come on she was acting like a child doing what she did)on April on Easter she send me an text saying(Even tho we dont talk anymore Happy Easter and to let me know she miss my friend)of course acouple of hours later I texted her back..and I wish I didn't dammit(I know u do..I do to..but we always fighting now and all kinds of drama and we both want two different things and I need to do this for me)..then she texted back saying(I know...)then finally she broke and at night she texted me(can u atleast add me so I know what u was doing?) and then I said(oh really?)and she said(well yea,we was very close and she think of me often)..so yea I re added her back on facebook..but heres the bull * * * * ..

 

Around that time she going out with my friend luis(also work at the place and he knew i like judi)I knew something was up but I wasnt gonna start anything..I knew better than that so anyway..my suspicion was right..May 3rd..her and him was in a relationship..once I seen that I deleted both of them off of facebook..and went NC again..shes gonna know how it feels not to be with me for sure..my friends (that also work at the place)was telling me her reaction and that she don't know why I deleted her off of facebook,and telling some days she was very depressed looking and sad..(by this time I work somewhere else a good paying job,got me a car(no more using parents car)been exercising..been getting my computer certifications done )

 

So anyway I haven't hear from her for like 2 months now..and im sure she's still with him...by the looks from it she do likes him(even tho he dont like kids and throw away girlfriends like yesterday trash..I warned her..)and he likes her(but then again they just started talking to each other on the facebook for like one week and then BOOM..and go out with each other one night,have sex then..we're in a relationship we love each other soo much but..he don't know her like I do..well when she gets mad anyway and speak her mind)..heh..yea right..but then again Im in a much better place now.

 

I just want to know what ya think about this..

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I am copying this from one of my other threads. I am praying to reconcile with my ex at some time and I am hoping this is just a rebound that will die out. Any opinions are welcomed. Thanks.

 

Let's Face it: We're here to find out how...

...We can successfully reconcile with our ex love.

 

I have been reading a lot of threads on this forum as well as a few of the other forums on this site. The common denominator is we have all suffered a loss of someone we loved. There is a plethora of knowledge here that has been gained through both experience and observation. I have learned SO MUCH and I want to humbly thank everyone for their contributions to the knowledge pool. I didn't lose the love of my life 8 weeks ago...I emotionally shoved her out the door. We were together for over 8 years and went through hell and back together. By the time we got to the last 6 months I think we had both pretty much had it.

 

I was struggling with financial issues due to a lay off and 2 years on unemployment, at the same time she just wanted to marry me and start a family. She loved me more than life itself. Unfortunately she got so frustrated with me for being so emotionally shut down that her only (so she thought) was to continually hammer me about getting married and having a child. Her "biological clock" was ticking and she wants a child before she turns 40 (She is 37) I was so depressed with my life I saw no other option but to let her go find someone that could make her happy and give her that which she desired in life. She finally gave me an ultimatum letter expressing her love for me but that it was no longer enough to keep her with me. I let her go and a week later she met some one on a dating site and has gotten into a relationship with him. He seems to meet all the fiscal requirements she was looking for as well as wanting to start a family. I have not seen her since the day we parted and we have only had a few short conversations since then and she bounces back and forth about this guy can support her financially but then she drops a few hints that she is not completely sold on this guy either and always says we don't know what the future holds. I know she still loves me but that doesn't mean much right now. On our last conversation she told me she was proud of the positive steps I am taking to better myself and that it was "inspiring", her exact word. I did drop a bomb on her during our last conversation and she reacted the same as if I told her I was engaged to someone else already. I told her that I have applied for a couple jobs outside the country and that they look very promising. She has always known my desire to move there and now that She is not holding me back any longer, she knows that I very well could be leaving for good. I have been taking the steps to better myself and become more than the man she wanted me to be and I am doing it for me. But hey, let's face it, we all have an ulterior motive and that has been the fuel for me to keep going. In the end it will be a win/win finish, either we will come to love each other more for what we went through or we will move forward in our lives as better people from what we have learned from each other. I have been in NC now for a week and a half and will not contact her again. I love her very very much and never thought it would end this way but circumstances drove a wedge between us. When we do speak again it will be because she contacted me, and if we don't then I wish her the best in her new life.

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Thanks for the reminder bebop! Everyday I don't hear from her I feel lost. I have to just keep forging ahead and continue with NC. We actually slit up back in 2008 for 2 months and I went full NC from the start and she came back. Just hope she does this time. One big difference this time is she is in a "rebound" and on paper, he is financially "secure", whatever that means nowadays and she really wants to start a family. Bottom line is she sees him as a paycheck. Sad but true.

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