Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship

[jay1234]

Hi everybody! Have been reading through this forum and searching all over the internet for help and advice, but I cannot find anything simular to my situation!

 

Basically me and my ex girlfriend had been together for 3 years strong since we were both 15. She was my first true love, and were both pure to eachother if you know what I mean. This girl means the world to me, and not only did I love her she was my bestfriend, and we shared and did everything together. Im going to keep this short, but bascially this bloke whos 43 moved into her village last septemeber (mr. flash). He built his own house ect. Where my girlfriend works in the local pub, he goes down there every night as hes friendly with the owners. He got talking to my girlfriend, and i knew his intetnions straight away. I found texts on her phone back in October where he was calling her "hunnie" and leaving her about 5 "x's" on the end of each text. I said to her that I'm not comftable with the way in which hes speaking to her, and she understood and explained how sorry she was. I wanted to go down to his house and tell his to back off, but i didnt because i respected her and i wanted to to have friends ( we both sacrificed all our friends for eachother ). So i wanted her to socialise a bit more really. So i let this go anyway, as she said she would stop seeing him and speaking to him. But obviously he lives in the same village as her, about 30 seconds walking distance and goes down to the pub every night where she works every night, so even if she wanted to get away from him she couldn't really.

 

My ex's dad left the house about a year ago after leaving for another women, and my ex's mum suffers from MS. So she has to look after her mum quite alot, and I was always there to support the both of them (ex and her mum). This guy managed to weave him self into their house, offering to do jobs for her mum to give a good impression. Till this day I have never met this guy, but i have drove past him so i know what he looks like. But never once did he ask to meet me. Anyway, my ex's mum ended up inviting this guy over for christmas dinner, because he had given her the sob story saying: " my wifes left me, and i have no one anymore". And it worked. In the end i said to my ex, you either tell this guy to f off, or I'm leaving. She met up with him late decemeber, and apparntly told him that they can't see eachother anymore, thats what she told me. And this guy said that he knew this was coming. ( but i honestly think this guy then told my ex how he feels about her, and god knows what else ).

 

Anyway, 5 weeks ago i got a phone call saying that were over. She didn't say that it was becuase of this guy, she just said things wern't the same anymore. I tried to explain and talk to her but she didn't listen. She said that we would just fall back into the same pattern of not caring about eachother if we got back together. But our relationship only started to go downhill in the last month before the breakup because she wasnt acting the same around me. To be honest i was so paranoid about this 43 year bloke becuase i knew what he was doing all along. He's a snake, and he wrigled himself between me and my ex and managed to break us up. He achieved this through experience and taking advantage of a vunrable, young girl.

 

I freaked out completed when she broke up with me, but it didnt occur to me that it was because of this guy till about 2 weeks after we broke up. For the first 2 weeks i was blaming my self, and convinced my self that i had done something wrong. 4 weeks after the breakup i turned up at her house to find out the truth, and i had to do this to able me to move on myself. She told me she had feelings for him in the end. And to be honest i knew this, i just had to hear it from her.

 

The thing is this whole situation is completely wrong. If the guy was my age (18) i would be able to understand this alot better, but its because hes 43. He's taken complete advantage of her, and i know hes swept her off her feet by buying her gifts ect. And due to experience, hes know exactly what to do to achieve this, and he's won. I've tried talking to her to to warm her, and i know her family has but she wont listen to anyone. Her mum cant do much becuase shes not physically able to. He's completely brainwased her, and has managed to break up something that was so special between me and my ex. i know it takes two to tango, but i know hes pushed her into this decision by using techniques which hes learnt from experience. This guys the same age as her dad FFS!!!

 

So obviously she must of had feelings for this bloke before we broke up, and went straight into a relationship with him when we broke up. So im guessing its a 'Rebound relationship'?

 

I can not explain how angry i am about this whole situation. I was going to go to this guys house and smash him up, but ive held back as i know it will just make things worse. And if her dad was still around he would have gone over to this guys house and told him to f off months ago! I just cant believe I've let this happen under my nose, and i feel like a fool.

 

I reacted bad to this whole situation and text her telling her whats happeneing and how i feel about it. (I know if anyone else was my position they would have done exactly the same) She text me a few days ago saying that she feels awful, and she sorry and we can still be friends. But i havnt text her back and i think its a good idea to stick with N/C till she contacts me again? I really dont know.

 

I wrote my ex a letter a week after the break up, not asking for her back but telling her how i feel, and just some good memories we've had in the past.

 

I'm just pleased i didnt drop flowers off at her house everyday to try and win her back and all that other stuff.

 

Right now I'm just playing it cool and working on myself. Having space from her has allowed me to think about the past. We both stayed humble to eacher other the whole relationship, and i always went out to night clubs, and never once did i ever cheat or kiss another girl. I knew she was the one, and o respected her.

 

It's just she not the type of girl to do something like this, and works full time in the same village where she lives, and doesnt have any friends except me and people who work down her pub. She very intelegent and quite, and shes the one girl i thought was different to everyother. I guess not!

 

What do you guys advise me to do??? I know she will have to learn the hard way now as shes not listerning to anybody.

 

Thanks for your time.

[neofinch]

this is a fantastic thread. ive read the whole thing! took me a while, but was well worth it. some great insights and things to think about.

 

i have a quick question though. im not sure this can qualify as a rebound since me & my girlfriend have been split up since september, although there has been lots drama and twists and turns in the months between now and then, i initiated it then changed my mind and over the following months there was a mix of me begging, lc, trying to be friends (with lots of breadcrumbs from her and me making it clear i still loved her) until around a month ago i became suspicious she had met someone else due to some flirty tweets. she said she was not seeing anyone else. in the end after more begging and me doing some stupid things she told me she hated me and to have a nice life.

 

we have not spoken to her since, indeed ive completely removed myself from her life. stopped posting on twitter and stopped posting on a blog she encouraged me to get when we split up as she admitted to liking knowing what id been upto. its been about 3 weeks NC now and we have no mutual friends so she really wont have a clue what ive been upto.

however, if anything since the NC their relationship seems to have accelerated, they began going on dates and are now officially a couple and seem very much into each other. would you say this is a normal pattern for it to follow once the NC hit? ive not updated my blog in three weeks, but there is a tracker on it and she would still go and look every few days, although its obvious im not updating it she still went on it this week as well, which is the week they officially became an item,on facebook at last. it makes me hope the NC is getting to her, but then her relationship like i said seems to have accelerated more than anything since i left the picture.

[Mcbrokenheart]

I had been in a serious relationship with a woman for three years. I was 28 and she was 38 when we met, divorced with two children. She comes from a home of two alcoholics, her mother was extremely abusive to her growing up, emotionally and physically. When I met her, she was broken, sleeping 18 hours a day, didnt care for laundry, cleaning the house, or taking care of the 6 cats and 2 dogs she had adopted. When she was awake, she was a beautiful, funny, thoughtful, loving woman. We were smitten with each other very quickly, but I did not allow the relationship to move too fast, as we did not sleep together for the first 8 weeks of our relationship.

 

Over the course of the first two months, I completely upended this woman's life in an attempt to rebuild her life and self esteem. I put her children on a schedule because they were uncontrollable and their attitudes sucked, I cleaned out her entire house, I trained the dogs, I put the cats in the basement, I put hardwood floors in the house to remove the stench of cat and dog urine and poo that was soaked into the carpet, I completely cleaned out the backyard which looked like a garbage dump. I got her home out of foreclosure, had approximately 18k in debt removed from her credit history, and paid the remaining balances off. I used almost 30 gallons of spackle to repair the holes and scratches the cats made in the walls and repainted the entire house as every wall was half painted a different shade of purple, and I began paying her bills for her so she wasnt consistently late. As time went on, I slowly gave control back to her, only for her to screw everything up again. I became a caretaker to this woman, and I was ok with it because she supported me in almost every way imaginable for 3 yrs and this was the best way I could repay her.

 

Our relationship was rocky. We both suffer from Bi-Polar disorder. There was always a monthly breakup over something completely minor that was blown up by our insecurities. Our communication skills were severely lacking, and that was the root of our issues. Sometimes we would go a day, or a week, and at it longest 2.5 months before we found our way back to each other. From Sept to Dec 1 of 2011, our relationship was firing on all cylinders and we were completely and totally in love with each other, communicating well, laughing and just enjoying each others company. On December 1st, I made the worst mistake of my life and walked away because of a stupid selfish reason, which was her decision to start talking to two friends again who tried to divide us in the past. Two weeks later, we spoke and continued talking and planned a lunch date, during which I was going to give her 3 paintings I had commissioned for her, which were 1 of each kid, and then one of the three of them together. When the day came and she didnt mention it, I got upset, and made an * * * * * * * comment to her about talking to her after the holidays. The day after Christmas, she told me she was done with me because I was selfish, and she was right, I was. I didnt hear from her for weeks, and then I got an email by accident from her that she meant to send to her best friend about a date she went on with her friends brother Tom. I had met Tom once before, and he was a nice guy, but he was also an functional alcoholic.

 

My mind went into a tailspin and it wasnt because she was seeing someone else, but because he was an alcoholic and alcoholism has played a tremendous part in her life in a negative way. Within two weeks, he was telling her he loved her, within a month, she was saying it back, and not just a simple "I love you", its more like " I love love love love love you", really sappy and cheesy. They dont go out anywhere, she only goes to his house so he can drink after work. They send each other song lyrics from youtube about how much they love each other, its really quite nauseating. Other than making me want to puke, Im deathly afraid and worried. Im worried that she wont have the strength to leave if things get bad, Im worried that the kids will see him drinking and think its acceptable to act like that, Im worried that shes trying to replace me with just anyone who will give her some attention and knowing how hard she falls, when he turns ugly, its going to devastate her and she will end up devestated. I already see her doing things she would never do before, like leaving her kids home without dinner, or staying over his house all night. To top it all off, she petitioned the court for an Order of Protection and in the order she stated that I beat her, raped her, threatened her family, friends, neighbors, and animals. At this point, I have no idea what the hell she is doing, I would never do any of that stuff to her or anyone else. My friends are calling me crazy, but my feelings for her havent changed at all. I obviously cannot contact her, and her relationship is most definitely a rebound, and knowing her like I do, shes going to come back if she has the strength to leave the rebound. Do i trust my feelings and try and rebuild what we had before, but with counseling and time, or do I just throw in the towel and tell her to kick rocks?

 

Im sick to my stomach that I was as insensitive as I was, Im racked with guilt over driving her to into the arms of this guy, and Im completely heartbroken that I lost my family.

 

Any advice is appreciated, thank you.

[RABBIT2]

yes this is so true, but in the process of pretending to move on, from my own experience i found that i did move on. over weeks and months you start to look at the person you onced loved in a different way and ask question as to why you love/loved them in the first place. you also have to ask a question of yourself, she left because she was bored with you and the new lover is more exciting, so she gets bored with him over time starts missing you again, so what happens the next time she gets bored, when the next guy who excites her comes along.

the fact is when its over its over. at the end of the day its about how you value yourself. in my own experience she was disrespectful in her treatment to me, since the break up i have acted towards her with nothing but kindness,not for her benefit but my own integrity. i know now she is trying to get my attention and i think she is, for the first time in 8 months feeling the panic that she has lost me for good and the theory on the page seems magically true, we always want the thing we can no longer have, but in my case i no longer want a relationship with a person so selfish.

[ks1986]

My ex broke up with me after 11 months because he found out I cheated early in our relationship. He also cheated on me around the same time, but not to the extent that I did. I feel like our relationship actually started as a rebound in retrospect. He dragged a lot of baggage in with him and things went really fast. I feel like after our "honeymoon" stage we were both unsure of where things were going and that's when we both did those things. It turned out though that we really did have a connection and compatibility and we got over this bump in the relationship and fell deeply in love with each other. We ended up moving in together, but when he found out about me cheating, he broke up with me but quickly took me back saying that he wanted to get past it because he loved me more than anyone and I was different. He even brought up wanting to get married after this. That was short lived because it resurfaced during our first argument and we broke up again. He said he wanted some time to get over the hurt and maybe some day start fresh but didn't want me to wait. He was going back and forth on getting back together and asked me to talk one night. He was talking about taking me back but got cold feet and the very next day started dating someone. This was 10 days after we broke up. He hid it from me and most of his other friends for about 3 weeks before they became official. This whole time he wanted me to be his friend and when I caught on he started crying saying he was afraid I would be mad and that I would stop talking to him. It seemed like that was a really big emotional trigger for him. He could contain his feelings and put up a facade but the second any mention of me not being in his life came up and he would choke up. It was clear to me that when we would text or talk or see each other that it was behind this new person's back. I became uncomfortable with the whole situation and our lingering feelings kept causing emotional stress for both of us so I started NC about 1.5 months into the breakup and about 1 month into them dating. They've now been together 2 months and part of what is hard about it is that this new person lives right up the road from me...I've given into temptation to drive by since it is so easy and every time his car has been sitting there in front. It's stressful to know that he spends most of his free time so ridiculously close to me. It's such a textbook example of a rebound also: 10 days after breaking up, he continued to show feelings toward me all the way up until NC, he kept in contact with me behind the new person's back, my ex keeps things around that remind him of me, they were intimate on the first date, lots of excitement because this guy loves to party and do adventurous things, they're the complete opposite of me, they spend ALL of their free time together. I'm trying to move on and I am slowly, it's just difficult at this point. Knowing that NC is the best course of action weather we get back together or I move on and find something better is helping me move on and I know I'm not gonna cave and try to contact him. It's hard to let go of hope though.

[ks1986]

I'm kind of worried in my situation. My ex is a serial rebounder that's been rebounding for 4 years now. He had a 2.5 year relationship, rebounded to someone for a couple weeks, few days later rebounded from the same relationship to me, then rebounded from me after about a year to someone else 10 days later. I know his feelings for me were actually legitimate and I wasn't JUST a rebound, but I can just tell that this new person is basically a textbook example of a rebound.

 

What worries me though is this: If their rebound relationship ends because he's coped with his feelings for me and is done using this new person to get over me, he's probably not going to really be hurt when their rebound relationship ends. That will be the first time in 4 years that he will be single and fine with it, with no need to rebound. If you put yourself in that frame of mind, would you really want to jump back in your relationship with your ex, even if you did still have strong feelings for them? Even though I've moved on and am not really waiting for him, he's still probably going to assume I am a sure bet and know he can have a period of single fun before settling down again. Which could really hurt, knowing he's single and the rebound is over, but he's not reaching out to me.

 

His new partner lives very close to me and his car is always there at night (I can't avoid driving by it). But for over a week now, it hasn't been there at all. I've been driving myself crazy wondering why and analyzing it like crazy and I've realized I'd just rather not know about things like that! I don't want to know when he's single, I want to know when he is serious about getting back together, otherwise I'm all about myself!

[tryharder83]

hello everyone..

 

i've been reading through the posts on this thread im halfway through. i just need to get something off of my chest instead of contacting my ex about it.

 

i realized what everyone is saying about keeping your cool and not making a fool out of yourself at the time of the break-up. i learned it the hardway and i believe that's the reason i'm having a real hard time now cause i lost me on the process. the pleading, the begging, promising to change and sticking around when i was given all the red flags there is that there is no coming back from this.

 

background: im with a girl-girl relationship. we are in the same office, since we got together i adjusted and been with sa same circle of friends(officemates) we started me in the process of ending my 3 and a half rel and she broke up with almost a year relationship and not together with her then ex for 5 mos she was honest enough to tell me that with prev relationship she tried to stick to it, hoping her ex then will have her back. then i came in the picture. looking back i believe i was a rebound then and so was she. she fell in love fast and so she say. the i loe you's and talks of moving in was there. we both have our exes on the side when we decided to be together. but i really like her that time and she was really good friends with her, whom i really jealous about believing she's not over her. then at times i initiated break ups. and it happened few more times always coming from me. before we hit a first anniversary we decided to call it quits. and then i realized i dont want to. so i tried my best to win her back by sticking around no commitment(what was i thinking? still i endured it for the next 7 mos. this is really making me sad now. there where times then when i laying low she would always give something to go on. but she didnt fail to tell me that there's not going to be us. she always say we are not ready. she's not ready to get hurt again. back in november last year we booked and planned an out of town. it was scheduled february of this year. december was a bliss first time she said i love you after the break up. i was so happy thinking im getting her back. i couldnt be more wrong when i got into it thinking why then can't we try and give it another shot. she said if im getting all worked out because of it. she promise not to say it again. my heart sank but i just kept on going. there was a time when we didnt text or communicate or if we did i just answer her questions straightforward. during this time a friend of mine tried to get my mind off her.

 

i got to know a guy, he liked me and knows what im going through. i was honest enough to tell him im not interested and he respect that. this acquiantance reached my ex and she got all jealous and texting me mean things that she felt disrespected and said she's aware that the no commitment thing was her idea but said why didnt i just wait for our out of town to be over before i hooked up with other people. i tried to calm about it told her it was really nothing. she even went to say that ive changed since then. but i didnt really all the while i was confused with how she reacted. she was all sweet and very present during the times. ffward now after the trip she changed her number and is now seeing someone else. during the trip i admit i was an emotional wreck thinking its the end well i wasnt wrong about it. i was distraught learning about this but i didnt cry as much as i did before. guess i always knew there's nothing i could do. after the trip there were instances that she tried asking me watch some vball with her and friends but i was decided after the trip not to really talk to her which was hard because we work together. now the new fling was being dissed on social site. if there aret things that doesnt approve her liking. she's just like that loud and all. but i think she's really trying to work it out with this new girl.

 

like everyone else i have so many questions but i know ill never get answers to. heard last time from a common friend that she was asking if she should ask me to come to her birthday celeb last sunday. they were all adamnt telling to just leave me alone. she even replied she knows im not going to come anyway but she's trying to get opinion if its ok to ask.

 

its been 7 weeks almost. and im really having a hard time. but i dont to lose anymore of my dignity that's what's keeping me ok with the break up. still it gets lonely and miss the person for some odd reason.

[ks1986]

Can someone tell me what the psychology of this would be?:

 

Ex has been with an obvious rebound for about 2 months and the rebound is out of town on a 2 week cruise. Where does this leave the ex? Are they going to revert to thinking about you without their security blanket? Will they start to question things with the rebound at all? Will they simply just be normal and miss their rebound and focus all their energy on that? I'm just wondering if this could potentially be a good thing of bad thing or nothing at all. I'm sure he is doing everything he can to keep himself distracted either way.

[ks1986]

My ex is practically absorbing his rebound! They've been together for 2.5 months and I haven't seen him in about 1.5 months and finally bumped into him on accident and afterwards asked some mutual friends some questions and I am shocked!

 

He completely changed the way he dresses to reflect this new person's style. It's not even slightly different...it's TOTALLY different. He even started wearing hats...never have a I known him to wear hats or have I seen a picture of him wearing one and I've seen hundreds of pictures.

 

Also, I hear that he is smoking regularly now. He's never been a regular smoker...only occasionally having a social drinking smoke break here and there. OF COURSE the rebound smokes.

 

I ran into them at the bar and they were playing pool. We've discussed pool when we were together and he expressed a disinterest in it. I've heard he's been really into dancing also with the rebound and their friends. Again something he said he didn't like.

 

What is going on here?! I've never heard of somebody doing something like this!

 

Well anyways, I handled bumping into him very well. I smiled and laughed and had a great time with friends...meanwhile they hadn't seen each other for 2 weeks before that day and looked totally miserable...no smiles or laughs, their body language and eye contact was like they were strangers. It just had me scratching my head more than anything.

[BrendanSyd]

She can't miss you if you're not gone.

Unless the text is anything critical about your daughter, you don't need to respond.

Say hardly anything to her when you do see her, and cut the conversation short, if need be.

Also, you need to move on yourself. If you're constantly there for her, you are her safety net, and she won't respect you if you're waiting on her hand and foot.

You're almost codependent on her, you need to regain your independence!

 

SPOT ON BING BING BING BANG THis is the only way to win you ex back that's only if you both shared something that she didn't share with any of her exez in the past but this is all you got to fellow.

[RABBIT2]

this is the most honest opinion on this page, it may not be what ou want to hear but if we are honest with ourselves its the truth

[RABBIT2]

This is so true and puts into question the whole idea of love in a relationship or how you define romantic love at all.I think its not the fact that people break up, millions do it all the time but the fact that very few remain friends is due to the way it ends, whice is in most cases one person hooking up with someone new when they are still in the old relationship and that being the case more times then not is it normal or put another way is it the dumper whos actions are pathological or the reaction of the dumpee for not understanding the way the game is played. when my ex dumped me she said my problem was i was a romantic lol using that logic the last thing you want in a romance is a romantic.

[rhythm09]

I'm starting to wonder about this. My ex rebounded two days after our BU with a friend that had a crush on him since high school. We were together for six years.

 

He said at first he was going to take time to "move on." But when he heard that one of his buddies was going to ask my friend out, he immediately took the initiative and asked her out first.

 

You want to know what compelled him? "She's been through a lot. And I didn't want her to suffer again if my buddy ends up being with her. I want to be there for her."

 

What is that? What kind of mentality is that? WE WERE TOGETHER FOR SIX YEARS. How could you jump into another relationship and your reason is "I want to be there for her." What about how "I" feel? So I'm left alone, suffering, tortured, for god knows how long by myself, while you "enjoy" being with someone else for the wrong reasons?

 

"I've been doing better now... She cares what I have to say." Well, no duh... SHE HAD A CRUSH ON YOU SINCE FOREVER. Of course she's going to treat you like a prince because she doesn't want to let you go now.

 

And how can he tell me with a straight face that he still wants to be there for me? "I still love and care about you. I still like to do stuff with you because you're a fun person to be around with."

 

I'll never understand. I really really don't understand.

[CaptainConfusion]

I had a really bad breakup with my ex nearly four years ago. I dated this girl for 5 years and went through hell (she was bulimic). I wasn't perfect but gave 110% however I couldn't ever get it right with her. That didn't stop her assassinating my character at any chance, as I would learn later. When we split, I tried to recover the situation but ultimately walked and tried to work through the grief. As I would learn soon after she got right on into another relationship and it crushed me.One day about 18 months later she contacted me via email. Long story short, we caught up, the rebound was clearly a 'stop gap' measure for her. She told me she still loved me and we started sleeping together. Unbeknown to me he was still around. One day about 6 months later after doing everything to attempt to manage the uncertainty I 'put her in her place.' She ran back to the rebound and that was the last I heard of her until about a month ago. One night, I got a few messages along the lines of 'I love you, I always have, I hate you and I always have. I wish you were different' * * * ? Foolish me I responded with short simple non-confrontational messages with no suggestion of interest. This followed with the 'need to see me'. As a side note I had heard on the grapevine she had been single for about a year. I would learn later that she was dumped for treating the guy like rubbish. (Pattern?) So, we caught up and all the feelings came back and we had a good night (it was like we hadn't spent a day apart). It wasn't easy to sit there with the knowledge I still loved her. About a week or so later after a few exchanges of messages, I laid it on the line. I told her that i didn't want to die wondering and that we should look at this seriously. I didn't think I was misreading the situation I can tell you. However, I got a reply along the lines of, 'we have been broken up for years, how could you expect me to feel the same?' Either I'm socially and emotionally inept but I all of a sudden felt extremely vulnerable as a result of showing 'a little bit of good faith' and not wanting to live with regrets. So here I am now, once again scratching my head asking myself how I could have been so stupid. For some reason, this whole situation was turned on its head and I am feeling rather lousy about the deal. We are both getting to the age of 30 and I haven't found 'that spark' with someone since we first split. She, at the same time, hasn't found 'that spark' and is starting to get a little more conscious of her biological clock. So the whole 'reverse psychology, NC, LC etc etc' might be good in theory or it may give some confidence but I'm at a loss to figure what more a guy could have done for someone that they really truly loved.

[RABBIT2]

its all about worth, it seems that the moment you act second best or the weaker partner in a relationship is the moment you invite being treated like second best. The more dominant partner loses respect they will treat the second partner second best for the length of the relationship until they start looking for a replacment thats more of a conquest

[NANNYSTUDENT]

What if the rebound isn't a "conquest" but actually something much much easier? Then what?

[rhythm09]

its all about worth, it seems that the moment you act second best or the weaker partner in a relationship is the moment you invite being treated like second best. The more dominant partner loses respect they will treat the second partner second best for the length of the relationship until they start looking for a replacment thats more of a conquest

If that's the case, it's completely out of character. I've never thought he would do something like that. It makes me realize that what he said, "You deserve better than me," couldn't be more right. But honestly, what makes him deserve her? Eh, whatever.

 

What if the rebound isn't a "conquest" but actually something much much easier? Then what?

I like to know about this too. Considering it seems to apply to my ex's rebound. She's "easier" because she liked him for a long time, so he took advantage of that.

[ks1986]

What if the rebound isn't a "conquest" but actually something much much easier? Then what?

 

Sometimes after a stressful, emotionally draining relationship and breakup, people want something that's easy and low-maintenance. I went through this once although I KNEW consciously that it was a rebound and would never last, but it did for 5 months. I remember looking for an excuse to jump out of it, but there was no passion and we never fought about anything because of it. The thing is, people don't want what's easy. It may be a nice change for a while, but eventually no challenge or conquest gets boring. Knowing I had all the power in the relationship was a turn off.

[Love1336]

Well my ex ex... had horrible experience with this.

Him being the rebound, not with me, but with another girl.

She dated my ex ex for nine months... Her ex broke contact, and couldn't believe she was OVER him.

And damnnn. He won her heart back.

What my ex ex didn't know she & her ex boyfriend had only been broken up for a month. So, he most deff was rebound.

But the point is, once she showed her ex that she was moving on, he came back...

 

Sad for my ex ex, but happy in her case.

[Love1336]

That's why NC is always key... >.

That would have drove me INSANE!

[desertbliss]

Is it a rebound relationship for the "dumper" when he breaks up with you because you broke his heart, because you weren't excepting of what he had to offer (i.e. the need to fix you) and then starts dating a week later? He stated in his email that he healed, prayed about it and decided that for him to be able to move on from the broken heart, that he decided to date to get him through.

 

Now four months later he's contacted me over a previous personal situation and said he needed to talk to me, that it's important please call. I called, we discussed his issue and then he wanted to talk about our break up since we hadn't done so previously, other than me writing him a letter explaining my feelings in the beginning.

 

During our talk he went on to state that he was happy with me and that he didn't know what else to do in the relationship to make me a happy person so he broke it off by voice mail. We ended the conversation with him wanting to remain in contact, that he wanted to be there if I needed a friend for anything, even tho he had moved on and assumed I had too.

 

Well a week passed and I was feeling uneasy about staying in contact as friends, so I emailed him and told him I would like to hang out and talk. He immediately called to set up a time, he wanted to talk that day, he said it would be good for us. He wanted to meet and talk, and I chickened out, because he wanted to only give me an hour of his busy schedule. So we talked over the phone. By the way he was insisting we talk right then, I had the hopes that he would want to give our relationship one last shot. I felt life's to short blah, blah, blah...to not let him know I still had feelings for him and would like it to work out down the road after I had a chance to work on myself.

 

I then went on to say that being friends right now is just to hard since I still had feelings for him, and he said, well I have a girlfriend, (4 1/2 months after we broke up, with talking about marriage before that) I told him that was even more reason we should not remain friends and to not contact each other at all. He, asked, not at all? I said, no. He said he respected that and thanked me for being honest. And that he prays for me and my family every day and cares for me as a friend.

 

During the conversation I asked him how he moved from loving me one week, to breaking up the next, (after an honest discussion about our issues) to the third week where he moved on. He said, that he told himself "f--- this s---, there has to be someone else out there that wants what I have to offer". I then wished him well and told him to be happy.

 

So would this be called a rebound relationship for the dumper? He's not the type of guy to usually do this or so he has said before.

[ks1986]

That sounds exactly like a rebound. The fact that "for him to be able to move on from the broken heart, that he decided to date to get him through." is a big red flag. The fact that he reached out to you after 4.5 months is another red flag. It takes about 3 months from what I've gathered for a new couple to reach that comfortable stage where the infatuation wears off and he seems to be having doubts now about his choices but the fact that he hasn't ended this new relationship means you should NOT be friends with him and should go total NC. He can't have things both ways!

[desertbliss]

i have let him know that we can't be friends and we can't stay in contact...thanks for your response. i will not be used!

[RABBIT2]

"out of character" seems to be the most over used statement on this site, do we ever know our lovers. i have found out things about the character of my ex since she went a year ago i would never have believed. hard cold nasty and spiteful, yet the moment i reversed the situation. so has she like magic. now its her who runs after me. but i don't know her any more. if its all just a game then leave me out.

If that's the case, it's completely out of character. I've never thought he would do something like that. It makes me realize that what he said, "You deserve better than me," couldn't be more right. But honestly, what makes him deserve her? Eh, whatever.

 

 

I like to know about this too. Considering it seems to apply to my ex's rebound. She's "easier" because she liked him for a long time, so he took advantage of that.

[PHOENIX26]

Please can someone give me some advice? My ex broke up with me less than 2 weeks ago. We had been together for just over 8 months. She had been in a previous relationship when we first met but had told me that she had been wanting to break it off with him for months, but didnt want to break his heart so she just stayed with him. They hadnt touched each other in months. I think it was more of a security thing than anything else as when we were talking she would ask things like, "if I was with you, would you promise to never leave me?" & "do you think you could ever truly love me". She also told me of the bf before him, whom she didnt even like, but she just wanted company. I told her that I didn't want to be responsible for them splitting up, so I would give her space to sort out what she wanted. She broke up with her bf days later & then we just hit it off. We talked for hours every night on the phone & would message each other constantly throughout the day. She told me a lot of things that she had never told another living sole, like she had been raped when she was 15 & had needed to deal with this own her own as she was too scared/embarrassed to tell anyone, except me. She made me promise that I would never tell anyone else, so I promised, provided that she would talk to me about it to help lessen her burden. She agreed. We were going great for the first few months until we had an argument. I foolishly said that I was considering taking a job interstate & for the first time in 4 years, she cried. We talked about it & I assured her that I would not leave her but for the next few weeks, I hardly saw her & she began to distance herself from me. She started going out more & I felt like I was no longer a priority. Then her uncle died & she just cut me off & told me that she didnt want to see or talk to me anymore cos she felt "numb". For two weeks she all but ignored my msgs & phone calls & told me that this is how things would be from now on & that she didnt feel the same about me & that we needed to break up cos she doesnt feel anything for me. I convinced her to at least come talk to me about it. She did but said that she still felt nothing & didnt know if things would change. Things just didnt feel right & so I went onto her fb account & found 100's of msgs to other guys, 1 in particular who came straight out & told her that he wanted her & she was more than happy to lead him on, telling him that "youre my best friend, u mean the world to me, I could never stand to lose u from my life". I had never even heard of him before & I was gutted. All of these msgs had gone on whilst she was "numb" & completely ignoring me. I immediately rang her up & let her have it. Funnily enough, she snapped straight out of her "numb" feeling & begged to come talk to me. We talked & she cried & begged for me to give her another chance. She told me she loved me more than anything in the world & that she had started to distance herself from me when I said about the interstate job cos she was too scared to feel the pain of losing someone she loved so much. I forgave her, on the provision that she immediately cut contact with this guy & would tell him to never contact her again. She agreed & she did. The next month or so she was the perfect gf & neither of us had ever been happier. She told me this on many occassions. Another few months passed & things were going well. We went on an overseas trip & came back so very much in love. She would msg me every night telling me how much in love she was & how lucky she was to have me. Things were great until we had a big fight & in the heat of the moment, we talked about breaking up. We worked things out but within the next few weeks, her "numb" feeling returned. I tried everything I could to rekindle the spark but she started acting suspicious & ignoring me again. Once again she told me she didnt know what she felt for me & felt uncomfortable if I touched her or tried to kiss her. Her constant ignoring of me caused a fight & she snapped & broke up with me. I then discovered that she had been seeing the same guy that she had been msging months early, for the last month of our relationship. They had slept together as well. I rang the guy & he knew nothing of me & said that my ex had told him that we had split up 3 months ago & he confirmed that he had been seeing her for 4 weeks. She had been lying to him too but he sent me a text msg that she had sent him that day saying that she "needed him so badly". She wanted to remain friends but on learning of her deception, I refused & started no contact a few days ago. She is angry at me & I assume that is because she feels guilty about what she has done. She been off work for a week due to vomitting & not eating...again guilt? Is he just a rebound?