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Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship


love4life
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Let me put things into perspective. Your mind is totally clouded when you get dumped. You still love your ex and wish to have them back, depending on the circumstances. I will tell you right now, it is not worth your time or pain. Take whatever steps you need to release that frustration and move on! If they wanted to work on things, they would be with you doing so. My girl who I was in a relationship with for quite a long time, started talking to this guy a couple weeks before we broke up. She didn't cheat, but she did not put up boundaries to protect and respect our relationship. So we eventually broke up and the very next night she is at his house and sleeps there again within the next week. I did everything that everyone else has done, I tripped out but I kept it to myself. It has been 1 week since I spoke to her, but just this evening I found out about the instant hookups after our breakup. So as pissed as I am, I know that this person is not worth it. She will NEVER get a chance to come back and share the things we once had together. You need to lose the emotion and act on logic....IS THIS PERSON WORTH IT? Sometimes the answer will be "Yes", but after a lot of thinking you will come to the conclusion that they suck as a human being and you are better off moving on. Go with your gut, but my own honest opinion is to never ever go back with a cheater. You will never have the same trust again and it isn't worth it when you lose them again. Embrace that pain and use it as a stepping stone to move in a better direction in life. This site has been more than helpful and pretty much saved me from losing my mind. NC is the way to go in this situation, so if you have are dealing with anything similar...keep it moving and don't look back. All they will do is bring you pain when you should be filling that hole in your heart with new memories. An ex is an ex for a reason!

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Hi, i have read quite afew posts here and they have helped me allot. Especially Zorba and love4life post but i have not found anything that is very similar to my situation.

Also sorry, i know this is long but i was trying to be honest and not leave detail out. Could some one please help me understand?

 

I was with my partner for 10 years this november. I am 45 and was previously in a very bad marriage for which i got divorced, and my partner is 26. We have two girls...8 and 3. We have an age difference of 19 years and we met when she was nearly 17. I aint a bad looking guy, even for my age but i have never cheated on anyone in my life which is something im very proud of. There as not been any violence but we have argued alittle..sulked and then got on with things. We been on quite afew nice holidays together. I was her first love but until now she has not had any other relationship with anyone else. We loved each other very much for a long time but we split up twice in the past..last time it was over 5 years ago, this is the third split. This was the same split as before, she would sit next to me and TEXT saying that she has lost her feelings for me but she never use the "dont love you anymore". She would never say it to my face. Our sex life would have gone down as i loose interest when i gain weight which is my fault. She would want to talk about it but i would always put it off.

 

We had a hard time before this happened. We were living in a house that was falling apart, and was trying to move near her mums. She had bad pains in her stomach and was due to have a opperation on it. Then we heard that a house had come available and she moved to her mums with my two children until it was ready for us to move in. I had to stay at the old house with the furniture and her dog. She was over two hours drive away and with it lasting 5 weeks it took its toll aswell. She was not happy at her mums and i think she blamed me for not being there. She has low self esteem and pulls herself down. she could not understand why i was still with her but i told her she was beautiful and how much i loved her. She was insecure and jealous but not in a bad way. The 5 weeks we were apart i would take the dog out, take pics and post them on facebook. Also my eldest rang me every night and we would text each other.

 

When the day came to move i hired a van and took everything up there. She was really down and we were due to go on a short break with the kids a day later. So i asked her if it was the operation that was getting her down. She said partly but also she thinks she does not have the same feelings for me but she does not want us to break up. So i said lets see how it goes on the holiday.

 

The holiday was terrible. I have a good sense of humour and cheered her up but she would soon slip back down again. When we got back and was about to move in to the new house she sat down next to me and text me that she still feels the same way as before the holiday and she wanted me to leave. 2bh, i felt the same way. How she was feeling got me down but i knew after a week apart i would find those feelings again so i thought the break would do us both good.

 

The next day i left with my clothes and now stop at my dads. I gave her some space but a week later she text saying she is single now and she going to start dating. She said she has met someone and i know who it is. I did not answer it but i was heartbroken. 30 minutes later she text saying who it was. We use to live opposite about 5 years ago. His wife threw him out and he moved next door to his dads. His wife then brought man after man home and he had to live next door to it. They have four kids and between working nights he helps with his kids and that. He a short man, broken by his wife. He has no great sense of humour, not a looker at all. He as always had a thing for my ex but it did not bother me as i did not see him as any competition..how wrong could i have been! He can only go to my ex 3 days aweek and niether would be able to move in with each other as my ex wont move away from her mums.

 

It has been a month now and allot has happened. I was up there after 2 weeks,, her and her ma was sat in the garden. I sat too and i noticed marks on her neck. I asked what happened and then realised they were bites. She blushed and he ma said "i thought you was going to cover them up". There for me to see She soon put the pics of her and him on facebook, and says what a great time she is having. They just kept coming on all the time. It all broke my heart. I dont put anything on, i just try to ignore it. Then i would be speaking to my 3yo daughter on the phone and she would bring up the guys name for no reason. Finally i deactivated my facebook although i do still have msn and she does transfer pics from facebook to it. Two days later i was due to see my 8yo daughter at a presentation. She asked me to come so i left it to the last minute. It started at 2:30 and it was a 10 minute walk to the school. I message her that i would be there at 2:15 which was the time i got there. I knocked on the door and she answered looking shocked. She said her fella was there, i mean wt!! She set me up. But, i did not react and he left.

 

After this i now only go to see my daughters and take them straight out once a fortnight as i live along way. It is now the only contact i have although my eldest has my number if she ever needs to ring me. Btw, he his not on facebook. He does not have time for that but i recently learned since that she added him on msn three weeks before the split. Was about the time she started feeling really down. Also, the only person he has on his msn his my ex, no one else!

 

I have been having some councelling, and i know i need to get over it and move on but it was my hole life and i loved them all so much. All i can do is the LC because of my children and try to make myself better. I am a broken man but i dont let her see that. I turn up with a smile on my face. In all this i have been friendly, never raised my voice.

 

I dont understand why she is hurting me so much. I feel that if she did not care and moved on i would not hear anything so why would she torture me so much? Does she still have feelings for me? I am still in love with her and i miss my children!

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Hi

 

I'd like to share my story and would like your thoughts on my situation.

 

I'm married and currently separated from my husband for 8 months. He has issues and has been both physically and emotionally abusive. The 8 months apart has allowed me to evaluate the marriage and where I have contributed to the problems.

 

I take my vows very seriously and still want to try and make it work. However, my husband currently sees me as the "bad guy" and wants nothing to do with me. During the 8 month separation, I did the NC thing for 2 months. I found it very difficult and resumed to contact him but we have not seen each other at all. He on the other hand, has not contacted me for 8 months but does answer my calls briefly.

 

He is adamant that he does not want the marriage to work and is happy living with his parents. He likes the independence. I want my marriage to work but I also understand that both parties must put the effort in in order to have a successful marriage.

 

Over the various conversations we've had I told my husband that if he really wanted a divorce then fine, he should send me the divorce papers and I would sign them. He still hasn't done anything about this.

 

After 8 months apart, I have finally managed to persuade him to come and meet me to discuss a way forward. He said fine he will meet me but only to tell me he wants a divorce. I told him there was no point in us meeting then because a) he could tell me this over the phone and b) I was meeting him only to work things out. He said "fine whatever. I will say what I need to and you say what you need to".

 

I really don't know where to go from here. He won't action divorce, he has just left our marital home and moved back with his parents, he won't speak to me properly, the NC thing didn't work, he won't meet me.

 

Every time me argue, it's always me doing the chasing and the calling.

 

A part of me says he is trying to hurt me because he knows how much I love him but I can't live like this. I need closure or a way forward.

 

I would be grateful for your thoughts.

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Hi Zorba,

I really need your thoughts and analysis for my case, well I have this girl at work since a year, she was engaged to her cousin whom she loved and trusted the most, they were about to get married by July last year but he traveled abroad for business and kept delaying the wedding, then the issue escalated that he was not taking good care of here, saw her twice or something in a full year.

 

Well she went mad and she broke up, we knew each other and respected each other on professional basis, she has all the qualities I have been looking for, by that time i was passing by many sad events, my Grandma died and we discovered mom had cancer, I was very low, my guard was down, and I found her very needy, I sneaked in and she welcomed, the thing was going so fast, in the first week she started telling me how she needed me so much and she was looking for my type of men until she found me, i did everything that made her happy, and she was very happy being pampered and taken care of, she asked me if this friendship was average and I replied that we don have to calculate it and let's go with the flow...

 

She was very clingy, she never said she loved me but she was all the way around making gestures about it, we hanged out around 5 time and she was extremely happy telling me that she was looking all her life for the romantic man and he was steps away from her (who is me).

 

Everything was going fine, and I promised myself to take care of this girl coze I really love her and I would heal her wounds, until she texted me that she is scary from another relationship, I told her it's ok we dont have to rush, yet she was never the same before.

 

After a month from our first hangout, she texted me saying that she can't take my feeling lightly and she didn't want to use me as a runaway, she would come to me when she needs the man of me, yet now she needs us to slow down, I approved and I told her I respect that and would give her space and I will be there if she needs anything.

 

The calls and SMSs went low in counts, I respected her space, then I called her to check everything was fine, she was not okay and she told me she didn't need any support form any kind she just need to be left alone, also she dint like the idea of taking her time as she felt its a barrier, I replied that I am not waiting for anything and didn't ask for any commitments.

 

She kept calling every morning yet I was not easy about it, I felt like I am being held as a back up plan so she sensed am not feeling nice about it and she stopped calling me, texted me that she will keep her distance in order not to hurt me or punish me for her ex mistake and she asked me to forgive her, I sent her back that I forgave her and it's ok, she can go alone heal herself as she wish.

 

At work I try to be professional as I can, yet I have sometimes weaknesses I cant bear, when I approach her, she just smiles and goes away or even doesn't reply to my SMSs, when I get myself away from her she get nicer and tries to approach.

 

I hated this mixed feeling and I am in a big dilemma, I started treating her formal a weak ago, and I think this is the best solution, even if she sends me Business mail in a non formal format one to one, i just don't reply, I reply to her business calls firm and polite and I give her full support in business.

 

Please advise, what to do, shall I keep that formal thing and go look for another girl, or just wait for her to heal and how to do it?

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Hi Zorba,

I really need your thoughts and analysis for my case, well I have this girl at work since a year, she was engaged to her cousin whom she loved and trusted the most, they were about to get married by July last year but he traveled abroad for business and kept delaying the wedding, then the issue escalated that he was not taking good care of here, saw her twice or something in a full year.

 

Well she went mad and she broke up, we knew each other and respected each other on professional basis, she has all the qualities I have been looking for, by that time i was passing by many sad events, my Grandma died and we discovered mom had cancer, I was very low, my guard was down, and I found her very needy, I sneaked in and she welcomed, the thing was going so fast, in the first week she started telling me how she needed me so much and she was looking for my type of men until she found me, i did everything that made her happy, and she was very happy being pampered and taken care of, she asked me if this friendship was average and I replied that we don have to calculate it and let's go with the flow...

 

She was very clingy, she never said she loved me but she was all the way around making gestures about it, we hanged out around 5 time and she was extremely happy telling me that she was looking all her life for the romantic man and he was steps away from her (who is me).

 

Everything was going fine, and I promised myself to take care of this girl coze I really love her and I would heal her wounds, until she texted me that she is scary from another relationship, I told her it's ok we dont have to rush, yet she was never the same before.

 

After a month from our first hangout, she texted me saying that she can't take my feeling lightly and she didn't want to use me as a runaway, she would come to me when she needs the man of me, yet now she needs us to slow down, I approved and I told her I respect that and would give her space and I will be there if she needs anything.

 

The calls and SMSs went low in counts, I respected her space, then I called her to check everything was fine, she was not okay and she told me she didn't need any support form any kind she just need to be left alone, also she dint like the idea of taking her time as she felt its a barrier, I replied that I am not waiting for anything and didn't ask for any commitments.

 

She kept calling every morning yet I was not easy about it, I felt like I am being held as a back up plan so she sensed am not feeling nice about it and she stopped calling me, texted me that she will keep her distance in order not to hurt me or punish me for her ex mistake and she asked me to forgive her, I sent her back that I forgave her and it's ok, she can go alone heal herself as she wish.

 

At work I try to be professional as I can, yet I have sometimes weaknesses I cant bear, when I approach her, she just smiles and goes away or even doesn't reply to my SMSs, when I get myself away from her she get nicer and tries to approach.

 

I hated this mixed feeling and I am in a big dilemma, I started treating her formal a weak ago, and I think this is the best solution, even if she sends me Business mail in a non formal format one to one, i just don't reply, I reply to her business calls firm and polite and I give her full support in business.

 

Please advise, what to do, shall I keep that formal thing and go look for another girl, or just wait for her to heal and how to do it?

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Hi to all those new to ENA.

 

This is a very dated post with very dated thread with very good information and advice, however, Zorba is no longer a regular poster on ENA. The last post is dated back some 3-4 years.

 

Please start a new thread should you require advice and support.

 

TS

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  • 1 month later...

I met my ex bf when we were in high school, we were just friends wt benefit for years, then we stoped talking for a while. When we started talking again he asked me out, we were dating bt nothing serious, he left town wt out saying goodbye one day. He called to apologize, he used to call once in a while, this lasted for three year. When he came back he told me he had a met someone and had a baby, I was ok wt it bc it wsnt like he lied or cheated, we got together and were really happy fr about a year, he has been the only one in my life. We were so inlove, he considerede me the love of his live and I do too things were almost prefect, we used to get along really good and shared alot of beatiful things, he asked me to marry him. A few months ago I went out of town to visit some relatives fr a couple of weeks, when I came back he ws acting strange, really cold. A month passed by when confesed he had cheated on me, he said he did it bc he had trust issues n felt insecured bc I ws away. I jst didnt know what to do. So I did all the wrong things forgave him tried everything to make things ok, but nothing changed. It seemed like he wanted me out of his life out of a sudden. He stoped contact while I ws the one trying to b in touch, he said he was together wt one of his friends now, but I foundout it ws the same girl he cheated on me with two months ago. Im not talking to him right now. Its been a week now. Im still sad but also soo inlove wt him, I know he doesnt deserve it but Im. And I wish we could get back together and work things out. I now feel like I anoyed him away from me by pressuring him to work things out while he ws with that other girl. I jst feel so bad and I don't know what to do to get the love of my life back!

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I wonder if there is still hope

I met my ex bf when we were in high school, we were just friends wt benefit for years, then we stoped talking for a while. When we started talking again he asked me out, we were dating bt nothing serious, he left town wt out saying goodbye one day. He called to apologize, he used to call once in a while, this lasted for three year. When he came back he told me he had a met someone and had a baby, I was ok wt it bc it wsnt like he lied or cheated, we got together and were really happy fr about a year, he has been the only one in my life. We were so inlove, he considerede me the love of his live and I do too things were almost prefect, we used to get along really good and shared alot of beatiful things, he asked me to marry him. A few months ago I went out of town to visit some relatives fr a couple of weeks, when I came back he ws acting strange, really cold. A month passed by when confesed he had cheated on me, he said he did it bc he had trust issues n felt insecured bc I ws away. I jst didnt know what to do. So I did all the wrong things forgave him tried everything to make things ok, but nothing changed. It seemed like he wanted me out of his life out of a sudden. He stoped contact while I ws the one trying to b in touch, he said he was together wt one of his friends now, but I foundout it ws the same girl he cheated on me with two months ago. Im not talking to him right now. Its been a week now. Im still sad but also soo inlove wt him, I know he doesnt deserve it but Im. And I wish we could get back together and work things out. I now feel like I anoyed him away from me by pressuring him to work things out while he ws with that other girl. I jst feel so bad and I don't know what to do to get the love of my life back!

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My ex of 3.5 years immediately starting seeing someone. As a matter of fact, she met him two weeks prior to saying anything to me about breaking up. They both text each other like crazy and she swears that he is just a friend. Her mother works next door, which is how we met, and she tells me in the last two months he has never been to the house and she doesn't talk about him. The father also tells me the same. The parents are divorced. She swears to me that they are just friends, but I know better. There is no way in hell they are just friends. My ex has told me that she has been drinking like a fish and partying almost every night since. But she still texts, not as much, and calls, not as much. I have been NC for 5 days now and I will have to break it tomorrow if I see her at a race we are running. Not sure of what I am going to say but I am sticking with the full NC after this. She gave me the ILYBINILWU b.s. and the I hope we can still be friends too. She text me twice over the last couple of days but I have not responded. It sucks, I really love this girl and I want her back. I guess I have to stick with NC and let her rebound run its course. And at the same time grow into a more attractive person physically, emotionally, and professionally. She wants my support but I am not going to give it to her. She took her support from me when she left me for greener grass.

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Just following up on this thread:

 

This was the thread that inspired me to start NC and post on eNA. Full of great stories and advice from tons of people here, so I'd like to contribute my own success story so far.

 

The rebound situation played out exactly as described here. The rebound guy is the opposite of me. He's taller than me and wealthier than me. He's a pretty-boy, whereas I'm a little manlier and wasn't focused on my appearance. He seemed more like a ladies man, and I'm just one of the guys. He was a "nice guy" and didn't smoke or curse, whereas I'm more of an * * * * * * * and smoked pot and cigarettes. At first, I was trying to get her back and even be friends for a bit (like a few days lol). But then, when I started NC, she probably went about a couple weeks before she started contacting me again. I made sure to stay out of her life, so that she couldn't have both the rebound and myself.

 

Sure enough, with enough NC, she kept divulging more and more to me that she always thought about me. After a month or so (the honeymoon period for them), she and the rebound parted ways. He kept nagging her and continually tries to contact her using desperate methods. In turn, she found him a nuisance and started coming to me. Since I had been working on myself in the meantime (lost weight, got in shape, took up new hobbies, met new people, did tons of activities every night, etc.), she found me to be way more attractive than the rebound guy. Also, keep in mind that this guy is unlike me. I'm more cocky and confident, whereas he was more insecure and obsessive about his appearance. I've gone through more hardships in my life and am well-adjusted, where he doesn't seem to take care of himself the same and is more whiny. I'm more alpha-male and a positive person, whereas he's more beta male and basically was a turn-off for my ex. And just like Zorba says, my ex and I had been in such a long-term relationship, the qualities that she found attractive were the ones that I taught her to find attractive. I'm her type. And as time went on, since the rebound was the opposite of me, it was more and more evident that he was not her type. Since she had already been in love with me, it was only natural that the next time she contacted me that she would rediscover those feelings. Not to mention the new and improved version of me, who has even become much more attractive to her.

 

Before, when I had been complacent in the relationship, I worried that I could not offer my girl what she really wanted. Being with her, I felt like I had trapped myself and her to what we already were. We had no desire to really improve ourselves because it was easy to be together. Since the breakup, she and I got to test new waters and see what other people are like. It turns out that we really just want to be with each other after all - that the rebound relationship helped validate to ME that she's really looking for a guy like me. It sucks that we had to go through this in order for me to learn it. But you know what, sometimes that's how things turn out.

 

So, for all the people that have been inspired by the rebound and reverse psychology idea, I hope that my story can be an example of it going into practice and actually working out.

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Ha your situation with the rebound sounds like me, you sound pretty similar to me as well (alpha-ish, aloof, indifferent), except for my situation the rebound is not much of a ladies man, or wealthy or pretty. He just offers her support/validation conversationally that she wasn't getting from me because of a situation that happened between us that I didn't resolve that lead to resentment on her part. While it's early on for her there are already many signs that she is not into him physically (where as with me, we have the chemistry and she pretty much falls in line with my lead), and there are already signs that he is not as her needs/fantasy projected him out to be.

 

Question. When you went NC did you tell her anything or just drop off her planet. I ask because in my situation we are on friendly terms and we are still close-ish and obviously I am trying to dodge the whole safety net / she has attachment with me newness with him sort of thing.

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  • 2 weeks later...

from what i can see most of the readers of this site are looking for hope for some miracle that will some them how get their lover back and reading all the facts surrounding rebounds it seems at first to make sense tell you start looking into details, like how did the relationship end in the first place. put it this way if she hates you even if her rebounds ends in tears she is still never going to come back to you. But a lot would also depend how long she had known the rebound before she got into a relationship,what if they had been friends for months or years. The point i am making it all depends on a lot more facts

 

.

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from what i can see most of the readers of this site are looking for hope for some miracle that will some them how get their lover back and reading all the facts surrounding rebounds it seems at first to make sense till you start looking into details, like how did the relationship end in the first place. put it this way if she hates you even if her rebounds ends in tears she is still never going to come back to you. But a lot would also depend how long she had known the rebound before she got into a relationship,what if they had been friends for months or years. The point i am making it all depends on a lot more facts

 

.

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My girl did almost the same thing to me. 18 months we worked together and seemed happy then she took another job and within weeks became friendly with some guy. We went on holiday and she was a * * * * * the whole time, i coundn't understand why she was looking for an argument the whole time. A few days after we got back she dumped me. A week later she told me she was seeing someone but she still wanted me in her life and i fell for that line. a week later we again met up and on this occasion she told me the new guy was cool about her seeing me. I'm sitting there two weeks into break up my heart being ripped out of my chest and she tells me pencil * * * * is ok with her seeing me, never been able to understand how women can be so heartless. Ironically three months later i told her i was seeing someone and i received a heap of texts about her strong feelings for me and how she can swallow her pride like i had dumped her.Anyway after a few months of trying to do the friends crap subjecting myself to all the details of her sex life life with his i started NC with the hope that he is a rebound but after three months they are still together and seem happy, i think the fact they had time to let ther relationship grow has friends before she dumped me means its not a real rebound and it will last. She still works part time with me and i have to see her two times a week and even though i ignore her it drives me insane and i find it hard to move on. i'm beginning to hate her, why end something in such a sordid way.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hey guys,

 

My first post on eNA as I have followed a couple threads carefully to help out with my own situation, but I think its time for me to reach out to this community. So my story goes pretty much like this. My ex-girlfriend and I were dating in a pretty serious relationship for about 3 and half years until she decided 2 months ago to break up with me. Prior to that, we had been having some issues considering she now was just starting graduate school for her masters degree and I was trying to find work and a direction to go in. To give background, the last 3-6 months have been rough for me. I have always dealt with an anxiety issue ever since grade school and retrospectively attribute that to why I didn't take a 30,000 job with Verizon. Well that was really the start of a downward spiral as I knew she was wanting me to take it deep down so I could start financially supporting us both and move ahead with our lives. Fast forward, to the summer when I crashed my vehicle and it ended up being considered totalled. Not only was I out of a car now but my confidence I once had when we first dated now became shaken up and was decreasing. We seemed to work through that mess but she kept asking how we could fix things as they weren't the way they were before (as in she missed some of the emotional connection I guess). Granted we still had fun and I was slowly trying to get myself back in that I created an internship opportunity for myself, finally got a car from my aunt, and was actively searching for a job to accompany my internship.

 

Fast forward to the week before the breakup on Friday. I was going to come over after my first or second meeting with my new boss and I was panicking when in the car because I didn't know how to get to her place using backroads and was scared of a new situation. Well we got into a fight about the directions, but I eventually got to her place so we could hang out. Well when I get there she tells me I look cute and to come in. So I did and we go upstairs and she sits on my lap in the chair. We talked a bit about random stuff and then she asked me again how can we fix things. I didn't have much of answer because I wasn't sure how to fix things at that point. Well basically I start freaking out because I thought this was going to be the end and start crying. She consoled me and told me that she thinks it would be best if we could just have a break (not a break-up) for about a month so we could sort out our issues as individuals. I agreed because I knew deep down that it made sense for where we were at that point. So we spent the next couple hours go getting a bite to eat, holding hands walking the streets, and sitting talking on a park bench like nothing was wrong. We eventually left and came back to her place where we said our goodbyes for now and she gave me a consoling leave. She came over and we made out for a good portion in the car before I left for home. She texted me when I got home to update me about one of her friends and that was it until the following week.

 

So I had been handling the break we took fairly well trying to resist from texting, calling, etc. I was doing stuff with friends, catching up, etc. Well Wednesday after I stupidly put up on FB how I was applying to get jobs, she messaged me and said "we need to talk". I asked what about and she said she rather tell me in person. I asked was it a bad thing. She said depending on how I looked at it, yes. I kind of knew right then and there was this all meant. I started to beg a little as I was panicking and she said "please stop" so I did. So she had to go do something with her mother that day and I was left panicking until Thursday. I started looking up all the things not to do during a breakup so I wouldn't make all the common mistakes men make. Well I had a horrible day that day and only got worse on Thursday.

 

Thursday rolls around and she said she would come over after her dentist appointment in the morning. She arrived and I could tell right away something was obviously not right. Bracing myself for the eventual realization, she took me downstairs and proceeded to talk to me heart to heart. She started talking about the entire week that happened in between. She said over the weekend (I think) she went out to the club with her friends and had all her feelings went away. Eventually, this guy who I knew as he was mutual friends with the group for a long time decided to pull a couple moves on her and somehow she ended up at his place. She told me they were just laying there and he asked her "would you slap me if I try to kiss you". She responded with "I really don't think that is such a great idea right now given the circumstances" as this guy was fully aware of me and such. Well the guy decided to do it anyway because I guess he liked her for a long time and she just stood there speechless to the whole thing. She said he only kissed her on the bed, they watched tv, and that was it. Well the next came and she said her feelings came back and I would assume she felt guilty and was mega-confused. Well she was talking about whether I guess to break it off with me for those days with her friends. Well she decided to pull the trigger on it as you already know.

 

I listened intently while trying to hold back my emotions. She said she felt as though recently she was feeling like my mom and not my girlfriend and that she regretted not pushing me enough. I said it wasn't your fault but it was all mine even though she mentioned it was both our faults. I tried not to cry and break down but that was near impossible. She was crying, hugging my bear throughout this entire breakup as I could tell she was visibly upset with this. I put my arm around her shoulder as she was crying like we always did for each other. I told her at the end that I understand her decision and I think right now that she right it is best as I have my own issues to sort out and she does too. I said I felt like I have to let her go in order to have a chance in the future (even though I didn't want to) and said if somewhere down the road we can work things out I would be more than willing to do that.

 

She asked me if I needed to speak to my brother (as we were all close) and I was like I just want to hold you right now. So she came on top of me and hugged me as I was lying down on the sofa. It just felt so right to have her in my arms, a very warm and consoling type feeling. We did that for a couple of minutes until we went upstairs. So she took her things but interestingly didn't take everything even though she asked me whether I had anything to return to her. She knew what she could have taken but she didn't. We made our way out to my driveway where she proceeded to tell me to "be strong". We told each other our "I love you" and she gave me a kiss on the cheek. I then proceeded to hug her one final time and we kissed on the lips as we said those things. She got in our car and I stood there as we waved goodbye.

 

Well I was a distraught mess as many of us on here were and continued like that for pretty much the next couple of weeks. My dad told me that he checked her FB for me because it was driving me nuts and that it looked like she lost her motivation for doing stuff for school for the first couple of days and looked to be upset (even though its hard to tell). Anyway, I proceeded to do myself and use no contact for the first month like every book said to. So I was working hard in my internship, decided to play tennis again, changed my diet where I lost 10 lbs., decided to finish the puzzle we never got to finish, and decided to sell a bunch of things on eBay to repay her all the money I feel I owe her (still in midst of completing that one). I was feeling better about myself and slowly getting my confidence back thanks to work.

 

I decided to give her a call about 2 - 3 weeks ago in which I got voicemail. Then my buddy told me that she was in a new relationship with the guy who pulled these moves on her. I was a bit distraught, jealous, and angry I have to admit but tried to keep my cool as I knew it was probably only a rebound. Well she called me a few days later where we talked. She told me how she was sick and I consoled her like I always did. I then proceeded to ask her if she would like to catch up and talk over some lunch or frozen yogurt sometime as friends to take the pressure off. She said she didn't know what her schedule was like that next week so I told her I would call her next week and we would figure something out for the following week after my trip to Florida. Well she called me back 3 hours later but I let it go to voicemail as I told her I was busy. Next day, she calls me as I am driving home and leaves a voicemail saying "hey, I need to talk to you but I am sure you are driving right now. Call me back when you get this". So about an hour later I called back and was my cheery self. We talked about random stuff for 10 mins until she said to me "I just wanted to tell you and I wasn't sure if you knew but I am in a relationship now". She proceeded to tell me that this was a "legit" relationship (which to me is another word for serious) and that she wanted to tell me first before anyone else did. She also said that because she was in a new relationship she didnt think we could be friends right now as she thought it wasn't appropriate yet. I told her that I wished her and him well on their new relationship and that I thought it would be a shame to sacrifice our friendship. That ended the phone call.

 

So I continued to do myself and took my trip down to Florida for a wedding. Let's just say that trip was a blast. Had so much fun I haven't had in a very long time to the point where it drew my attention away from all this. Well during that week after the passing of Steve Jobs, she called me and left a voicemail mentioning the whole iPhone 4s and Steve Jobs passing. She said she knew this sounded completely random and off topic and she wished me a hope you are having a fun time down in Florida. Well I literally missed that call as I had my phone in the other room and didn't respond back to it. Now it has been almost 2 months coming up and I am not sure what to make of this. She knew I would pay attention to any Apple news so I am almost thinking that she is missing me and just wanted to talk to me (which is what my cousin said also). Not sure what should be my next move here so I am turning to your support.

 

- thekoreandream

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This is gonna turn nasty soon for you if its not already! Go NC all the way! Meet new people for the time being and enjoy your life without her. She is enjoying hers without you. Those reach outs are probably just a act of spanning the safety net. If they have any respect for you, they would not even give you that call to announce a new relationship. In any case, how many times have you thought a relationship is legit only to discover it just isn't. But that is her problem not yours.

 

I suggest you take the time and see if there is anybody better for you out there. Thats what Im doing. And if you do the NC thing properly, atleast you will have some of your own dignity and respect and you'd be in a good place to make a decision if you want her back in your life a few years later. Lets face it, if you hang around, a few years will not clear the air between you. If you walk away from this, you have all the power back in your hands and you will possibly have a chance again, as long as you get yourself back. but its not something that can be rushed. Let her explore her new relationship.

 

The ultimate test for lasting love is probably if you can drift away from each other yet you somehow find your way back to each other.

 

See this as a nice challenge and test of what your love actually ment. Just be open to any answer you might receive over time.

 

good luck!!!!

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After almost nine months of dating and talking on the phone several times a day,

she says she still has feelings for last boyfriend and not fair to me. What do I do? Apparently, he treated her like s**t, bad boy syndrome? A week ago we were talking marriage and living together for ever.

I really love her, and and she says she loves me, and we say we miss each other.

I was a rebound: met two months after she broke up with a boyfriend of a year. He was drinking and not coming home when he was supposed to.

She says she is confused and needs time, I know she is talking to him.

 

My point is: what I do as I want her back. I am NC. We have not argued, I have been very supportive, we have not had issues. She is very depressed, and thinks

it is because she has unresolved previous relationship.

 

Zorba: your opinion is VERY much appreciated.

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Your girlfriend was me. I would definitely say she has feelings for him that will not go away because she has not addressed them. You provided comfort for a painful break, which can be confused for love, but in reality a lot of times it is just a pacifier. What I did was I tried to split my loyalty which never works.

 

Let her be, so she can come to her own conclusion. Don't be there as a security blanket. I ended up hurting two and actually lost them both because I moved on too quickly because of my confuse mind state. Don't let that happen to you. She is too confused to say she loves you. If she loved you and missed you then she would be there.

 

But as long as you are there, she is going to play both sides and possibly end up hurting you even worse down the road after she makes a decision to bounce. Don't give her any options in the matter. Don't let her use you as a back up in case she can't get back with old boy.

 

Your well being is more important than your feelings.

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This is such a VALUABLE reply. She is confused. We were talking long term and marriage and she changed in less than a week. I made it very clear I am not in the friendship zone. She has issues, and the only way to handle them is to face them herself. I believe one needs to hit rock bottom to be able to grow up emotionally. I am sure she does not even know what love is.

I have been cold blooded NC for 3 weeks. I am not there, and I am not a security blanket.

From what I have heard, I am the better option in all departments, but there is this weird form of attraction that people have. I think

she feeds on drama and sorry for herself. All her partners were drinkers and cheaters, and suddenly I am no nonsense, rock solid, treating

her with respect, and boom. Some people don't know how to function in a normal environment.

 

From your perspective, is there any magic to get her back: e.g. NC for say 2 months, limited contact after that, or see if she calls back? I am just moving on with my life, and if she comes back, it will be a very slow process of getting back together. I feel she will. Until then, I am dropping off the face of the earth. Many thanks again.

Edited by brokenheart66
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We all have issues...but you're right. She wont handle them unless she faces them on her own. I'm not sure any of us know what love is when you put it in that type of context, we all reach out to those who meet certain requirements at given points in our lives for our own needs and make it work (or not) as best we can.

 

I'd really not put a limit on NC, or LC, while it is encouraging to see that you're doing it to move on with your life, be wary of doing it with an intent of getting her back.

 

Again, everyone's situation is different, for instance, because of how well I know my ex, I know that NC would not help in the manner that a lot of people think it will. At some point I've chosen to believe her words enough to wait for her actions, as she is doing the exact same for me (allowing herself to see my actions). But..again, I don't know the future, and this could all not work out how I'd like. But I'll learn and grow from it.

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I don't think there is any magic formula. Like I said, I was her(your ex). She will stay in this position until she develops the internal strength to really look at her self and be honest about who she is. She has commitment and validation issues. My ex loved me and still desired me after two years and maybe 3 phone calls and a rebound on my part. I wasted her time. I still wasn't sure and we linked up for a few months and she wanted me to commit to her and I couldn't. I remember her crying and I couldnt bring myself to respond. I eventually wrestled with myself and realized my feelings for her were real and she was really a good woman for me. I realized I had not gotten over her and tried to intiate LC, even parted ways with my rebound. Turns out she moved on with an Old BF.

 

You are doing the right thing with NC, limited contact will just delay her changing, if it ever comes. She will keep flip flopping because you are making yourself available to her. She needs to change. And so do you. There are plenty women who would appreciate what you have to offer. Time is the one thing we can not get back and we should not waste it on that which does not exist.

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