Flirting with many women, wrong or right?

[RedPenguin]

See, as you all already know, since I'm 19, and single, I'm obviously looking around every now and then for a girl.

 

I just love attractive women (women that attract me both physically and personality), I don't like a girl, that doesn't have them both, especially ones that are "hott" yet have a horrible personality in my opinion.

 

So obviously since I love women, I like to flirt and have fun with women. Make them laugh and giggle and stuff. Just have fun.

 

So why does it feel wrong sometimes, like I'm doing a bad thing. It's like sometimes I think I may be looked at as a player or a guy who doesn't stick to one woman.

 

I don't truly believe that, but it just feels like, there's some kind of stereotype or something out there, that labels guys who love women, bad or something.

 

So how can something that's perfectly normal, feel so wrong at times? I mean, I'm not deceiving women or just having sex with them, then never seeing them again or anything. I'm just flirting and having fun with them.

 

So why does it feel somewhat wrong, if I am not doing anything wrong?

 

I wonder sometimes if it isn't because of how my friends act and how other men act when they are around women. I mean, many I know are the type, if they were single, and heard there were pretty girls somewhere, they would probably be too lazy to get up and even go take a look. But I feel the opposite, like let me see these girls. So I wonder if, since they don't do it, and they find me too worried about girls, if I am not subconsciously condemning myself. But it also feels weird from a religious stand-point, I got a lot of Christian influence, so what I learned from there, makes it feel somewhat bad. But yet, my mind loves it. Also, usually when I am at college and stuff, almost no one seems to be going for the girls, except me, so it's like I'm usually alone the whole time. But the funny part is that, the women seem to love it, yet, I almost never see guys flirting with the women in my school, I usually see the women being ignored.

[barbielovesmac]

wrong. but that's just me.

[JadedStar]

If you are single it is not considered a player to be playful and flirtatious. You are not promising them the world, only being playful. Now i don't know how you flirt, but based on your post it seems innocuous enough.

 

You're 19 and single. Have fun. Just don't be disrespectful to the girls and you'll be fine.

[Luke Skywalker]

Why does it feel wrong to you? What is the 'rational' reason behind the shame.

 

We know there are two types of shame, you have healthy legitimate shame and then you have toxic shame. First of all, whenever you feel something is wrong, you have to determine what category it goes under. Chances are, if the shame is irrational, then it's toxic.

 

In this case your post doesn't disclose any rational reason to experience any shame. You are not hurting anyone intentionally or unintentionally (although you may be making some guys in the environment who are shy with girls feel a bit ackward or bad) and you are trying to make someone's day happier, you are not breaking any commandments in the bible - but if you feel your motives are impure because you may think the girl is, God forbid, sexy, then that type of shame could possibly be a toxic one since it goes on an extreme interpretation - you are a hetrosexual male with testosterone - so you will always have a sexual interest when you are interacting with girls - you cant be ashamed of what God naturally made you.

 

So that leaves your friends that are not approaching the girls, you could feel bad for them because they are missing out on what you seem to be enjoying with ease. Are you ashamed because your friends are missing out on some fun you are having? Again, not a rational reason to be ashamed.

 

There is no rational reason to be ashamed that I can think of here.

[MissTee]

Just make sure you aren't giving anyone the wrong impression because that's when people start to get hurt - especially girls.

[RedPenguin]

Yeah, in my mind, it's like, when I flirt and have fun with girls, it's like, boy this is fun.

 

I don't have a gf yet or anything, so it just feels fun to at least until I find one, have some fun with the ladies, because I just can't resist a cute girl's smile, especially one that is genuine and not fake.

 

If anyone has ever heard of Bob Hope's Radio Shows and how he talks about women, I feel that I'm like him. He's respectful to women basically, but when he sees a cute girl, it's like he's saying, "Me boy, you girl, boy want girl."

 

I think a lot of it is religious, because my church and fellow Christian people, always were like masturbating is wrong, looking at a girl's body is wrong, and that you should treat a girl like she is a guy.

 

So even though, I'm not anywhere as religious as I used to be, I think it's those teachings that haunt me somewhat.

 

First of all, I feel a girl is way different then a guy, and I don't want to treat a girl like a guy.

 

I'm not saying, that I want to look at a woman, and be like, let's have sex or something, but I don't feel I should have to 100% ignore her body, and say to myself, I'm not interested in her body what so ever, like they seem to think, from the Christians, I've been around.

 

It's like, why am I feeling bothered, I mean, obviously I'm not doing anything wrong, because, if I was, I don't think the girls would play back with me. They usually giggle and laugh like crazy, and find me, one cool guy. So if I was disrespecting in anyway, I don't think they would flirt back at all.

 

I think my friends have somewhat to do with it, because, I like how my one half-brother is, we could go somewhere together, and be like, look at that girl, and look at that girl, and just have fun.

 

Most of my friends, act like girls are not even there, like they don't exist. My brain is just not programmed to do that. I like computers but, if a cute girl is standing in front of my flirting, I can easily forget even what a computer is. My friends, seem more the type, that would walk right past the girl, and just go to a computer store or something, LoL.

 

So many of my friends, I want to have fun with, and like go out and have fun with the girls, since most of my friends are single, maybe we can eventually meet someone, if not, we at least had fun, during the way. It feels like my friends are like, "Why are you going after the girls?" and my mind is like, "Why wouldn't I want to go for the girls?"

[jenny_mcs]

I think you have a healthy and fun attitude towards girls. You are 19 and single, of course you want to talk to girls and flirt and make them laugh!

 

ETA: I find your posts about flirting and girls very refreshing. So many people on this area of the forum seem to look at relating to the opposite sex as this horrible task and seem so bitter. Keep having fun!

[tmp0620]

Just make sure you aren't giving anyone the wrong impression because that's when people start to get hurt - especially girls.

 

 

[RedPenguin]

Yeah, as I said before, I just love to have fun with the ladies. It's just programmed in to me, but it just seemed odd.

 

I mean it was funny, I was having fun, the girls seemed to be having fun, yet, I always seemed to ever be the only guy who ever joined in, the other guys always seem to be too lazy to flirt or didn't even care.

 

That's the major reason, I just can't seem to connect to most guys. Many of the guys I see, either just seem to sleep all day, watch TV all day, or use the computer all day, or sometimes all three.

 

I would always see pretty girls in my college, and it would always seem like, the would not really get any attention, and I would think to myself, they would be getting a lot of attention, but they don't ever seem to do.

 

Maybe, I am just programmed differently, but I can't have a hot girl, who's smiling and wanting attention stand right in front of me, and just ignore her.

Maybe some can, but I feel like making her laugh, and getting a genuine smile out of her. It's funny because when I do get her to smile, it's like, "I knew I could do it" LoL. I just love it, when, I'm at a store or something, and I see a girl and before I go near her, she isn't smiling much at all, then when I go near her, get her to smile non-stop. It's just so much fun. It's also interesting to make them nervous, while they are around you, because, you wonder, why are they so nervous, so you end up getting closer to them, and the whole way, they just get more and more nervous, LoL. I saw so many girls that act like this, LoL.

[littlestar]

There's nothing wrong flirting with multiple girls IMO if you are single. However it is wrong and off putting if you are flirting with one girl and then another and another at the same place when the girls are all there.

Personally if someone was flirting with me, trying to get my attention and i spotted them flirting with someone else 10 mins later i would be put off by it.

I would feel to be as if the guy was desperate and flirting with anyone around.

Thats just my opinon though.

By all means if you are flirting with one girl and she goes home, flirt with another, but whilst the other is there, unless of course she has made it very clear she isnt interested in you.

[melrich]

I don't think there is anything wrong. Like someone else said, you have a pretty healthy attitude and sound like fun to be around.

 

Just be careful that flirting is not all you do with girls. You don't want to be typecast and you should show them your whole personality, not just the flirtatious side.

[Luke Skywalker]

Maybe you feel shameful because you are having fun and enjoying yourself and you've construed it as sinful because certain things in the bible, even though they may appear to be fun are sinful. For example, adultery may be fun for the people involved, but it is sinful, and there are parties that are hurt. Fornication is sinful in the bible, people view fornication as fun, but the bible says to habitually fornicate is equivalent to rejecting God - doesn't sound like fun in a spiritual analysis.

 

Subconsciously, your interaction with women may be construed as sinful because there are teachings in the bible that say that it's good for a man not to touch a woman (in Corinthians), or Jesus statement that looking at a woman to lust after her is akin to adultery and it's better to enter heaven with your eyes gauged out (if your eyes cause you to sin) than to go to hell with both eyes. It's right there in Matthew.

 

There are varying degrees of interpretation, but there is sometimes a tendency to go with the strictest interpretation especially if there is a damnation risk. But if you really go strict, then you cant get married, because how can you meet, court, interact with a girl, without being interested in her (or lusting after her)? You aren't going to get married to a veiled stranger - so I dont think that there is no reason to feel shameful about your interest in women and having fun with them from a biblical perspective or you'd never get married on an extreme interpretation.

 

But dont flirt with too many women or seek to get too popular, go with the intent to meet one woman that you will live your life with, then maybe it wont be so bad since you will be in alignment. If you continue in your path, then suppose you end up losing control? Suppose you start having sex - and ultimately losing your soul once you realise how popular and powerful you are with women?

 

Maybe you should be careful as you are treading on dangerous waters.

[Lana0120]

I don't think it's wrong to flirt with lots of girls but if every girl is aware that you're something of a flirt it may be off-putting. A girl wants to know you're really into her... not her along with most other girls around.

[RedPenguin]

Yeah, I think many times it may depend on the girl.

 

I noticed that some girls, you can look at and they just will seem to not even notice you.

 

Then other girls, you can look at them, once or twice, and all the sudden, they are looking back at you and acting like, come get me.

 

I guess some girls, are either taken or don't find you attractive, when you try to get there attention, and they just act like, "Who are you?" LoL.

 

I'm amazed at how some girls, seem to be so easy to flirt with, it's like you just look at them one time, and they are more like, "Hey, what's up?" LoL.

[ghost69]

all of your posts are asking questions about 'wondering' and 'what-ifs'. why not just try and do it? ask us about an interaction you had with someone. we aren't going to answer all of your 'what-if' type questions and make you into some master flirter.

 

and hit on whoever you want. preferably if you find them attractive.

[Lana0120]

From RP's posts, it sounds like he is a doer (which is pretty damn good!). Just that you sometimes think a bit too much about it RP!

[Miss Firecracker]

You aren't doing anything wrong, RedPenguin.

 

Are you a bit concerned you won't be able to stop this when you do get a girlfriend?

[dietrying]

Wrong? Of course not. You're single and have the right to.

 

Attractive? Not in my opinion.

 

But I don't expect to find a man who doesn't flirt with lots of women. It's biological. So I've lost my faith in this, tbh.

[Raiden]

I wouldn't do it, for fear of coming accross as a Player™.

 

Just me though.

[RedPenguin]

Yeah you guys are right, I do think too much.

 

Mainly I think it's do to my social anxiety and OCD.

 

My mind goes, talk to girls and be friendly with everyone,

but my OCD and social anxiety usually says don't you do that, and my mind usually fights itself.

 

But you know, what's weird is, I wonder if I have some weird subconscious thing to go for the wrong girls or something.

 

Because for some reason, ever since Middle School and High School and now in college, when I go for a girl, I always end up with the girl either ignoring me or something.

And the girls that actually do like me and are attracted to me, always end up to be the ones, I don't go for at first.

 

I know it may just be bad luck or something, but it's weird, how for years now, every time I go for a girl, she ends up not liking me.

But yet, when I don't try for a girl and say screw it, I suddenly get girls, that start to flirt with me and talk to me a lot and stuff, and treat me like I'm the coolest guy they have ever seen.

 

I know it may just be bad luck, but it's weird how now for like 6 or whatever years, every time I go for a girl, it ends up she isn't interested, but when I don't try, a girl just comes to me instead and it's always the girls I don't end up going for, which find me attractive.

 

It's just weird.

[Lana0120]

It isn't bad luck. It could just be that you're trying too hard with the girls that you like, whereas you're more relaxed with the ones you don't initially fancy, so they get to see the real you and like it? Just a thought.

[RedPenguin]

Yeah, that or something else must be.

 

Because it's weird.

 

When I go somewhere and see some cute girls, and figure, well I will try and flirt with one, it's like, I don't seem to get anywhere.

 

But the days, I don't expect women or don't care, my luck changes dramtically.

 

It's always the girls that I'm attracted to, yet don't try for, that always end up flirting with me and being attracted to me.

 

Like, not that long ago, I tried to flirt with a couple of girls in my new classes,

and nothing happened, so I was like, oh well, I don't care, then all the sudden, I just looked at one girl, and she just randomly introduced her self and started talking to me, and I was like, what the heck, that doesn't happen a lot.

 

I think I should no longer worry about or think about girls, because of whatever reason, I have more luck, when I could care less about women and am doing my own thing.

[Leonhart]

I imagine, Red, that you are doing the same as what 90% of all women do; flirting just for the fun of it. It's nice to see some men doing it to women, for a change! A nice role reversal!

 

Of course, you probably do it out of hopes of finding a mates, yes? If so, you're not the same at all. I say, continue doing it! They do it to us, it's about time someone did it to them!

 

Make sure you flirt with the ones who you have absolutely no romantic interest in too!

[RedPenguin]

Yeah, Tantalus, I gotta admit, that it's annoying.

 

I swear, every time, I go for a woman, I get ignored, even after she knows I find her cute.

 

Then, when I say, oh the hell with it, and just decide to ignore women, suddenly I'm more popular. My best flirting moments are always after I decide to just ignore women.

 

Then I swear, if I start feeling, like, well I will not ignore women anymore, I'm getting some attention, I swear the attention just disappears again.

 

Then it shows up again after I decide to ignore them again.

 

I gotta laugh, I'm like, wait a minute, * * * is going on here. You always hear men don't get attention from women, because they don't pay attention to them and don't try for them, but my case is opposite for some reason, I actually get more attention when I just ignore them.

 

It sounds like, it's some weird illogical thing that would make a woman click.

 

Maybe this is some weird reverse psychology thing, where, you must do the opposite. So appearntly if you want attention, don't pay attention and if you don't want attention, then pay attention. LoL.

 

Even for some weird reason, how I even look at women seems to change things. I swear, when I look at a girl, and be like, you're cute, I like you, they ignore me, but when I look at them like, yeah you're pretty, but I don't have time for you, suddenly I'm getting attention. Again, I'm like * * *, this is weird, LoL. I always heard if you want a girl, when you look at her, let her be able to tell that you want her, but I swear, they seem to like it more, when I look at them, like, "Why would I want you?". More girls, flirt back, when I look at them like, "Why would I want you?" then when I look at them with, "You're cute and I'm interested in you". LoL, life is funny as hell.

[Leonhart]

It's nice to get attention, Red... but if it doesn't result in getting dates, it gets old and boring after a while. Feeding women's egos is not my thing.

 

I doubt if you'll be any different after months of this. Trust me on that.

 

Chances are, you'll really start wanting an actual relationship with one of these girls sooner or later, only to discover that they're already taken.

 

Which would be fine... except, why all the flirting prior to learning that? Personally, I think women like that are tramps, for lack of a better word. Playing with people's heads and emotions is immature and childish. I'd expect better from grown women.

 

Obviously, I expect too much.