Are there signs that someone is a "Player" ?

[everythingchanges456]

Ok...so I just got off the phone with my friend excited to talk about my time last night. We got to talking about men...dating...people we've both met...and it put us on the topic of "players" We were talking about how when I met this guy a week or so ago we joked with him about being a player (teasing because we don't know him) but anyway it got us to talking today...'how do you know the signs that someone might be' and 'what defines someone as a "player" anyway?'

 

Just curious about what people would have to add to this....insight

[Lana0120]

Well, from what you said in your other post about he guy you're dating now, at the moment, it sounds like he isn't a player (but it's early days of course!). I think the signs are guys that make you chase them a lot. They contact you day after day, then nothing for a week and they have some 'genuine' reason and they're so convincing that you don't realise you've been had until months down the line when you have strong feelings.

[everythingchanges456]

I think that a player probably is someone who dates many women yet is able to juggle them and sweet talk them into thinking there the only one for them. Of course, it could also be a person who meets someone new every night of the week and doesn't hide that fact. (or does.)

 

PS. I hope you are right...and I think I agree. Though I think he is apprehensive to get into a "relationship" due to being burned before...though we haven't spoken enough for me to know the details yet. Time will tell...for now, I'm holding ground and not calling...getting ready now to go meet a friend for dinner to keep my mind off just in case I start to wonder how he is (lol)

[Lana0120]

Good for you - it's hard though isn't it!

[everythingchanges456]

It hard to really want to get to know someone better and be drawn to them but play it cool...hehe YES Thanks

[DizzyDoris]

From experience i find men who call me babe, sweets, hun etc are the players. They call ALL the girls little pet names like that (far easier to remember & they wont slip up by calling you the wrong name)

[itsallgrand]

Players need a lot of feeding. Most of them won't stick around if you don't feed 'em.

 

And yeah, agree about the pet names! They also tend to act a bit too familiar in general with you (in my experience) and assume a lot, hoping you'll go along with it and not question much.

 

When you shine a flashlight on them, they melt away!

[everythingchanges456]

Very good observations...you're right...pet names and needed to be "fed" I've known people like that and they were players!

[Miss M]

Honestly, there are all types of players who don't look/act like what we typically think are players. There are even players who use the too-apprehensive-to-get-into-a-relationship-due-to-being-burned-before line. You'd really be amazed at how many clever ways players having of playing you.

[JeckyllNHyde]

Honestly, there are all types of players who don't look/act like what we typically think are players. There are even players who use the too-apprehensive-to-get-into-a-relationship-due-to-being-burned-before line. You'd really be amazed at how many clever ways players having of playing you.

 

OMG! I totally got played like this! What a load of crap it is and I fell for it, but I learned too for next time.

 

Also when a guy is really good looking it's pretty obvious that he is able to get alot of girls right? Let's be honest. Sometimes they don't even need to say anything, yet girls flock to them. A guy who downplays that he is good looking when he really is. When you look good you get compliments and chances are slim for you not to realise your good looking and play into that.

 

A guy who tells you how crazy he is about you way too soon.

 

When everything seems too good to be true... (sadly this is true so many times).

[Batya33]

I don't like when a woman refers to a man as a player just because he hooks up with her, they don't discuss whether they are in a relationship or want one and he doesn't call - all that means to me is that he wasn't that interested (not saying this is your situation, OP).

 

To me a "player" is a man who says all the right things to charm a woman including lying to her that he wants to be in an exclusive relationship with her when in reality either he doesn't want to or he is already in a relationship with someone else, so she will sleep with him. I think the term is widely overused by women who regret having a no strings attached fling or one night stand with a man and then claiming they were "played" because he charmed them into bed.

 

To me unless the man also promised exclusivity and was lying about it to get her into bed, he is not a player, he's just enjoying casual sex just like she is (or like he assumes she is - the woman defining this guy as a player would be lying to herself and calling him a player rather than owning up to her decision to consent to casual sex).

[servedcold]

I agree, it's an overused, trite term, and actually insulting. The etymology for the current slang usage is derived from pimping. No mature man wants to be labeled as a pimp. I don't call every woman showing cleavage a "ho" or "hoochie." "Player" is a voguey pop culture term that needs to be laid to rest. It's all too commonly used to salve "morning after" regrets, as you imply.

[Miss M]

The bottom line is a player is a liar, period. That's the common denominator, but there are really many thousands of ways of lying, and I thought that's what this thread was about, discussing some of those lies and techniques that the liars/players use, so we could be better informed. I don't agree that there is only one type of player with only one type of definition to establish his player status.

 

I also think it's presumptuous and arrogant to say that the term "player" is used by a woman who regrets sleeping with a man too soon. I've been approached by many hundreds of players, was insulted by their endless BS, treated to their crass and arrogant attempts, but that didn't mean I fell for it and went to bed with each of them.

 

As I've lived (and listened), and made some mistakes of my own, I've expanded my definition of player, not narrowed it. For instance I've learned that the older the player (i.e. the longer he's been practicing being a player) the more sophisticated his lies and techniques. I've also learned that some male players prey on naïve women who don't have much experience in dating. And I've learned that some male players are particularly fond of sincere women who themselves don't lie, because people who don't lie have a more difficult time imagining that someone is lying. I've learned that some male players like to play the victim role in order to hook those women who are sympathetic and caring souls. I've learned that some male players use guilt to hook those who are prone to self-blame and self-accusation. And there are even many more player styles than those I've encountered.

 

It is my own mistakes coupled with empathy that don't allow me to criticize or dismiss others who fall for players. My experiences have taught me to be more charitable and sensitive in my treatment of others who made mistakes that I did, or even the ones that I didn't make.

[servedcold]

I also think it's presumptuous and arrogant to say that the term "player" is used by a woman who regrets sleeping with a man too soon.

 

You can call me and other posters presumptuous and arrogant all you like, it doesn't change the truth that the term "player" is often used in this way. Women who get carried away and sleep with a guy too fast for their own comfort often use the "he was a player and tricked me" spiel to soothe their own conscience, have heard it at least a dozen times in the last year alone.

 

"It's OK, sweetie, you just got tricked by the bad ole player. Doesn't make you a tramp at all, don't you worry bout a thing," ...until the next "bad ole player" comes along next weekend... LOL.

[bubblyblonde11]

A quick question then how come if you go on askmen there is articles on how to be a "Player"???

 

link removed

[Miss M]

A quick question then how come if you go on askmen there is articles on how to be a "Player"???

 

link removed

 

Yeah, I was thinking the exact same thing, all those websites (sosuave, fastseduction, etc.) popping up everywhere telling men how to be "players," and yet, a player is just a myth, a cop-out for women who can't be honest with themselves?

 

Okay, I'll just accept that some of us have different views on it that can't be reconciled.

[bubblyblonde11]

Yeah, I was thinking the exact same thing, all those websites (sosuave, fastseduction, etc.) popping up everywhere telling men how to be "players," and yet, a player is just a myth, a cop-out for women who can't be honest with themselves?

 

Okay, I'll just accept that some of us have different views on it that can't be reconciled.

 

Perhaps its some secret mans club that us girls/women are not meant to know of or be aware of!!

[Miss M]

To address the OP's original question, the most oft-used line I've heard has been along these lines...

 

"all my life I've fallen for the wrong women, but all I've ever wanted is a good woman with a sincere heart who would care about me and be in my corner. I've given my heart to others and treated them well, but they've only treated me terribly in return, took advantage of my sincerity. I had no idea I was being used like that because they played me so well. I'm just glad to find there are still some good women around like you."

 

I get that a lot because I have that outward appearance of being a "good woman" who is sincere and caring. My straightforward qualities are very obvious. This player line combines a bit of "poor me" strategy with flattery of me that also puts me in competition with all those women who didn't measure up. A woman who falls for it may stand tall and be glad that a man finally recognized her good qualities that all the other jerks seemed to miss. You might be amazed at how many useless losers use this one, also, how very sincere they can make it sound.

[KG]

I respectfully disagree with Doris' statement about using words Like " Hun, sweetie..etc"

I use those with friends I like, to let them know that I'm feeling close to them,,,we're friends...

Maybe I misundertood...on a first meet, or date it would be inappro...

but with someone you know...like here...I do use it and am not "playing"

IMHO!

[Miss M]

Actually I've known a few men who openly admitted to me to doing exactly what Doris said, routinely using pet names for all the women so they don't slip up and say the wrong name. It's really one of the oldest player tricks.

[Miss M]

Maybe I should also say again that players act just like regular guys, and talk just like regular people. A lot of the descriptions of male players will sound just like a sincere and honest man. That's a tactic of the players to copy from the good guys. Most are smart enough to know that acting like an obvious jerk won't get them anywhere. So any man who sees a description of himself here shouldn't take it as proof that this is made up, or proof that we're saying good guys are players, or a reason to be offended. The tactics of male players hurts those women who are played, and also hurts those guys who are genuinely sincere. Plenty of men have admitted to me about using pet names, for the reason Doris mentioned, and plenty more who don't use pet names have acknowledged knowing players who use pet names for those reasons.

[servedcold]

A quick question then how come if you go on askmen there is articles on how to be a "Player"???

 

link removed

 

Because link removed, though it has some content for all ages, is primarily a site for younger men. Sure, the net is rife with seduction sites and every other kind of content under the sun, I don't see your point. Much of the content on the sites like donjuan is not merely about "getting laid," but about building a quality life in all aspects that make a man attractive, not really so sinister...

 

I wish this thread had been entitled "Are there signs that someone is being insincere in flirting or dating?" which is a great question. The current usage of "player" comes from pimp culture, and is equivalent to calling someone a pimp. Most mature men I know out in the dating world, self included, bristle at it.

 

If a woman is so naive that she sleeps with a man who doesn't use her name and then gets burned, she's not really deserving of much pity, IMO. The women I know who use the term "player" use it to describe a man they are attracted to and would sleep with, but don't think they could "have" in a relationship, not men who are dishonest and lie. They use much more "colorful" terms to describe the liars and cheaters.

 

To address the topic, there is absolutely no way to tell if a person is dishonest in the very early stages of meeting. It takes time and experience with that person, simple as that. Sleep with someone early and expect more at your peril these days, on both sides of the gender fence.

[bubblyblonde11]

Easy tiger was just asking the question, as I've seen these articles so was just curious as the label is clearly out there, but some where saying it is not.

 

Funny what makes me laugh a guy who sleeps around a player, a girl is a sl*t or a sl@g - hardly seems fair to me, in this day and age why can't women be allowed to have NSA sex and ONS without be classed as that??

[servedcold]

Didn't mean to sound antagonistic bubbly, only the first part of my post was addressed to your post about the sites, the rest was more general observation. I HATE the derogatory terms for women you mention, moreso than "player," and think using such terms is almost always wrong. When my last GF's cheating came out, she came out and said, "Guess you think I am a s___ ," and if anyone ever deserved that term, after her actions during our relationship, it was her, but I wouldn't use it. Now, I'm no saint, and can be harsh and blunt in many other ways, just not the labels.

 

One opinion I have been trying to communicate is that people generally don't get "played" unless they want to be or make very poor choices with their affections upon hearing what they want to hear. In one sense, my ex "played" me, but there was lots of naivete and ignoring red flags on my end. Her actions were more blatant lies, which is different I think from what most people regard as a "player" mentality.

 

EDIT: Have also read some of your other posts, and would encourage you to think carefully before going through with a cougar plan. You and I are in similar situations, mine four months out. I've resisted the urge to self-medicate sexually, and if you are considering it, please be careful. Nothing at all wrong with casual sex or dating younger men generally, but guard your feelings post-breakup, it is easy to descend into a viscious cycle when hurting.

[Miss M]

Another one that seems obvious probably also bears repeating. A player tells you everything you want to hear. Although that may sound simple, it's often more complicated and obscure than that. Telling a woman everything she wants to hear comes off as straightforward compatibility when you're in the middle of the situation. When you're getting to know a man, and getting along with a man because you have lots in common, like the same music, movies, activities, cuisine, have the same values, sentiments, dreams, lifestyles, etc.... that's also a form of telling a woman everything she wants to hear. When done skillfully a player will spoon-feed you an exact replica of your perfect man in a way that seems very innocent and genuine.