Are there signs that someone is a "Player" ?

[Batya33]

I don't think someone is a player just because he likes dating many different women or does not want to be in a serious relationship. He is a player if he lies and tells a woman he does want a serious relationship when he doesn't want one. I often dated more than one man at a time before I got involved exclusively with one particular man. I was honest with each man that we were not exclusive. I was not a player, I just wanted to get to know someone through dating before deciding whether to be exclusive.

[sarge17]

I don't think someone is a player just because he likes dating many different women or does not want to be in a serious relationship. He is a player if he lies and tells a woman he does want a serious relationship when he doesn't want one. I often dated more than one man at a time before I got involved exclusively with one particular man. I was honest with each man that we were not exclusive. I was not a player, I just wanted to get to know someone through dating before deciding whether to be exclusive.

 

Thank you Batya33.

 

I think too many men and women get this label for the wrong reasons!!

 

It is hard to explain it to some people but you did a fine job!!

 

A lot of people need to look into what " real " dating is all about. They might change their definition of a "player"

[Miss M]

I don't date men who date many women at once, no matter if he's open and honest about it, no matter how he explains it, because it's just distasteful and uncomfortable for my disposition and lifestyle. In my part of the world people like that are considered "players" (even though I totally realize they aren't considered that same way in places like NY city). In St. Louis I'm guessing there are probably people who date around in an open way and honest way (i.e. not secretive or lying about it), but I don't know any personally. Most of the people I know (men AND women) would immediately disengage from a person who dates more than one person, (no offense to those of you who do it).

[servedcold]

So you expect exclusivity from the first date? without any discussion? if not from the very first date, when does the assumed exclusivity obligation kick in? second date? sleeping together? I find it impossible to believe that instant exclusivity is the norm anywhere in the United States, and live in a very conservative, suburban area of the Bible Belt...

[sarge17]

I don't date men who date many women at once, no matter if he's open and honest about it, no matter how he explains it, because it's just distasteful and uncomfortable for my disposition and lifestyle. In my part of the world people like that are considered "players" (even though I totally realize they aren't considered that same way in places like NY city). In St. Louis I'm guessing there are probably people who date around in an open way and honest way (i.e. not secretive or lying about it), but I don't know any personally. Most of the people I know (men AND women) would immediately disengage from a person who dates more than one person, (no offense to those of you who do it).

 

Miss M, I respect your ideas and lifestyles. Could you explain how it works if say I went out on a date with you. If I thought there might be something in the way of chemistry and asked for another date then we would be considered "exclusive"?? Keep in mind I dont know how you feel about me, because after 2 dates it is way, way to early to be revealing any type of feelings. So where does this put us? In the land of limbo?

 

I'm sure you have your ideas and would love to hear them. Everyone has different perspective on situations. I'm trying to understand your reasoning from the other side.

[Miss M]

Sarge, you've asked very respectfully, thank you. But I've recently had this discussion/debate about "exclusivity" and I'm not interested in doing it again with what seems like it's more of a "challenge" than an effort to understand my point of view. I'm just stating how it is for me and those that I know. I know there are others like me (even in the younger crowd, even on this board), but I'm also aware that some aren't like me, and discussing it won't automatically make me change, just like me telling you how I feel won't make you change. I know my dating style is not for everyone, but I also have no trouble at all find others like me. Sorry, I'm just stating my views here, throwing mine into the mix with all the rest, not looking for another debate.

 

I originally chimed in because I've been up close and personal with a lot of players because apparently there's something about me that players find especially attractive. So I got nose to nose with them about it, and I talked to their friends about it, and pressed anybody who would give me an honest answer. And I got a few true confessions out of it. I don't automatically slam or blame anyone who's been duped, because I've also been duped, and I think that's unkind and unhelpful to a person who is simply asking "what are the signs?" So I've been trying to address that.

 

And like I said earlier, players act just like regular people, and that's the real problem... the dfference is often VERY subtle, so those who recognize themselves in the description shouldn't take offense, but neither should they slam or dismiss someone who is just trying to sort it out.

[Batya33]

Thank you Batya33.

 

I think too many men and women get this label for the wrong reasons!!

 

It is hard to explain it to some people but you did a fine job!!

 

A lot of people need to look into what " real " dating is all about. They might change their definition of a "player"

 

If it makes a difference, when I dated more than one person at a time I was not intimate "all the way" with any of them.

[Luke Skywalker]

Another one that seems obvious probably also bears repeating. A player tells you everything you want to hear. Although that may sound simple, it's often more complicated and obscure than that. Telling a woman everything she wants to hear comes off as straightforward compatibility when you're in the middle of the situation. When you're getting to know a man, and getting along with a man because you have lots in common, like the same music, movies, activities, cuisine, have the same values, sentiments, dreams, lifestyles, etc.... that's also a form of telling a woman everything she wants to hear. When done skillfully a player will spoon-feed you an exact replica of your perfect man in a way that seems very innocent and genuine.

 

 

I guess you'd pretty much have to sell your soul to become a player ?

 

Being someone you are actually not, listening to similar activities that would be torture to please someone, just to appear compatible, why go through all that trouble? What's the purpose?

 

I guess a real player - is one who can con a woman out of thousands or millions of dollars and run away once the bank account is looted - I suppose after gaining enough trust to establish joint accounts or something like that. But just to get laid? I'm surprized there are people really that desperate to go through al that trouble.

[Miss M]

I guess you'd pretty much have to sell your soul to become a player ?

 

Being someone you are actually not, listening to similar activities that would be torture to please someone, just to appear compatible, why go through all that trouble? What's the purpose?

 

I guess a real player - is one who can con a woman out of thousands or millions of dollars and run away once the bank account is looted - I suppose after gaining enough trust to establish joint accounts or something like that. But just to get laid? I'm surprized there are people really that desperate to go through al that trouble.

Luke, your take on it is interesting. Yes, sometimes it's a combination of sex AND a bank account. Sure it's a lot of work, but for those types of people it's an exciting adventure. Some people actually enjoy hurting others, finding it very satisfying.

 

And for those of us who aren't like them, it will never make sense to us. My therapist explained to me that it was actually a blessing to not be able to grasp it; a profound realization for me. And you seem similarly blessed as well.

[Miss Firecracker]

I guess you'd pretty much have to sell your soul to become a player ?

 

Being someone you are actually not, listening to similar activities that would be torture to please someone, just to appear compatible, why go through all that trouble? What's the purpose?

 

I guess a real player - is one who can con a woman out of thousands or millions of dollars and run away once the bank account is looted - I suppose after gaining enough trust to establish joint accounts or something like that. But just to get laid? I'm surprized there are people really that desperate to go through al that trouble.

 

Luke, people who do this don't do it for the act of sex. They do it to have control of another human being. They use cruel ways to get inside your mind, and it gives them sick pleasure to see you come to trust them with your life, and then to leave you hanging and bleeding. They enjoy inflicting pain.

[p_fred]

Luke, people who do this don't do it for the act of sex. They do it to have control of another human being. They use cruel ways to get inside your mind, and it gives them sick pleasure to see you come to trust them with your life, and then to leave you hanging and bleeding. They enjoy inflicting pain.

 

Sounds like my ex-girlfriend.... if she was even my girlfriend... LOL!!!