Calling all Enotalone sages......

[surfjon]

Hi,

To all the wise ones out there who have given me a degree of comfort and solace over the last month, thanks for the advice and taking the time to respond, I appreciate everyone out there.

 

It's easy to trace my posts and see my loss. A wife of 19 years and my kids along with her. The causes and situation is irrelevant as the outcome is standard. "Temporary separation". Hmm.......... somewhat subjective I know, "temporary" depends on your point of reference.

 

My question is this, I've been maintaining N/C for 2 plus weeks now. We aren't seeing others, thats part of the deal.

 

My question:

 

I have tix to a concert, a show which we both have loved the guy for years, G-Love and Special Sauce!! I bought them befor trouble started. Ok, my question is how do I, or do I even, ask her to go with me????

I just want to go with her, no strings attached, we go as friends. I could not fathom going to this by myself, we grew up on G- Love, to not be there with her would be like Jesus not allegedly being at the last supper!! Like asking Kennedy to not take the limo that fateful day!! Asking Monica to wear the red dress, not the blue one!!! You see my dilemma!!

 

How do I ask her??? Do I ask her????

If not, who wants two tix to G-Love in Boca Fla Sept. 3??!!??

 

thanks for any opinions!!

 

jon

[renaissancewoman101]

Do you want to get back together with her again?

 

Is it possible?

 

Do you think she would want to go see the show with you?

 

If you think so, just ask her, point-blank, NO GAMES!!!!

 

Sometimes we women appreciate honesty from a guy.

[melrich]

I don't know the background to your seperation. Is it reasonably amicable?

 

Anyway, I think that if it has only been 2 weeks, personally I wouldn't ask her. Things are still too raw, you guys haven't had time to work on yourselves. Give her some more time and space to miss you and think about her decisions. If you really think she wants to gop to the concert, maybe send her the tickets, that might be a gesture that would be appreciated.

[renaissancewoman101]

Melrich is right, maybe it's better to just send her the tickets.

[Shin kensen]

Sure, ask her, as long as it's not going to jeopardize the future.

 

Also, if she won't go with you, maybe ask a friend, as long as it won't stirr too much emotion for you. It may be fun anyway and take your mind of things. Music concerts, scientifically, put you in a high anyway (the loud vibrations confuse the thing in your ear that aids your balance).

 

Just ask her like you would a friend

[Dako]

Offering to go with her is full of implications, and I can only imagine the complexity of your emotions right now.

I'd keep any contact as clean and focused as possible.

 

If you go, you'll be haunted by hearing "your songs."

I'd sell them to a scalper.

[Moto]

I personally think that it would be a bad choice.

 

Two weeks is a long time, but not time enough to sort out ANYTHING within yourselves after such a long period of time together. If I was you I would just mail her the tickets, with a "Have a good night!" note. Unless your situation is her doing something terrible... Then I would take a friend.

[Katiekate010]

i think you should ask her whats the worse? she says no. how old r u btw

[JadedStar]

i agree with Melrich.

[CrapAtNC]

I say do nothing.

 

I ignored my ex's birthday and didn't attend the performance she had worked so hard for, as she had dumped me. I thought not going would be the nail in the coffin, but within days she was all over me again.

 

Don't invite her. Invite someone else. Let her realise you can accept her decision and move on, and that will let her realise the true consequences of her decision.

 

Inviting her out now will only push her further away.

[guyoverthere]

Plus, if you send her the tickets, she might ask you to go with her? Not that that should be part of your reasoning to send her the tickets though. And if she did do something awful, then take a friend, as Moto suggested.

[guyoverthere]

Actually, don't listen to me. Stay NC. It's called No Contact for a reason.

[Demond34]

Does she know about the tickets?

 

This is a tough situation but trust your gut on this one. I recall you saying the other day about you being able to face her without your emotions taking control of you......I must emphasize that you should trust your gut on this one....I don't know the backstory of your breakup, so I would be foolish to ever tell you what to do....IF you think you will regret not asking her, then ask her.....its only been 2 weeks so everything is still fresh, expect the worse and hope for the best.......i know you mentioned that she seems to be down and out, could this be a chance to rekindle that spark? who knows?.......

 

if she says no........then sell the tickets or just dont go

 

if she says yes, enjoy the concert, but you are playing with fire here, since it will be hard as hell to just see her as a friend/ex....the night could end great and you'll be left feeling on top of the world or you'll be a wreck and back here questioning why the hell did i do that?.........if its the latter, don't worry we'll be here to pick you up.

 

At the end of the day it is you decision but just think about it and surround yourself with the different scenarios that may unfold.

[Clabs]

Hey surfjon!

 

I wouldn't ask her or send her the tickets - take a buddy and go see the concert.

 

These are exactly the type of events you need to be filling your life up with right now - keeping busy and having some fun.

 

Take care of yourself and look out for you.

 

Mark

[Daddy Bear]

You don't need her with you to enjoy the show, and going as friends is an unrealistic proposition. I could be wrong here, but it sounds to me like you're using the tickets as an excuse to break the agreement you have not to see each other during this time.

 

Believe me when I say that I'm not normally a flag-waver for NC - but I do think you should stick to the terms of your separation.

[surfjon]

Thanks folks, the answers are quite varied.

 

Things between us are friendly, I've been maintaining N/C except for where the kids are involved. Our separation was arranged to be temporary, a time to gather ourselves up, and that neither one of us wish to or will be seeing others, dating, whatever. It's not where we are. We will have been married 20 years in December so have quite a history, went to HS together, etc.

Tomorrow will be a month apart. When we see each other it's so emotional we try to avoid it altogether, but I have to see her and be in a meeting today with her about my sons speech therapy, my stomach is full of butterflys, birds, mothes, etc..............

 

I think I like the idea to send them to her, I can't go alone or with someone else, and I don't think I could take her saying "no". I'll send them to her and maybe she'll take a friend.

I won't even entertain for a picosecond that she'd invite me...............

[justaguy81]

No! Do not send the tickets to her!

 

First of all, Clabs, as usual, has it right. You need to be filling YOUR life with fun things! If you send them to her, it has the potential to do many negative things:

 

1. It might break your N/C, as she will inevitably be confused as to why you are sending her these tickets she knows you would kill for. It's just a weird move. She'll probably contact you about why you did it and you'll end up having a weird, long conversation that will get you nowhere.

 

2. She might not reply at all, in which case you'll be wondering what happened to your precious tickets. Or...

 

2a. You might start worrying about what cool guy she ended up taking to the show, just as "friends," of course.

 

3. She gets past the weirdness of being sent the tickets and asks if you want to go with her. This would be super awkward at this point. If you went, I can't help but think that hearing all of the songs that are so important to the two of you would just break your heart all night. If you declined to go, she'd probably be confused and possibly hurt.

 

//

 

Listen, either ask her straight up (don't be passive aggressive and *hope* she asks you. You have the tickets, they're yours. You're in no place to be gift-giving for no reason right now.) or go and HAVE FUN FOR YOUR OWN SAKE! Do NOT send her the tickets.

[surfjon]

Hmmmm....

 

I had put them in a sealed envelope and intended to simply hand them to her today, as I have to meet her for a consultation, we are starting our son in a more intensive speech program, he's a stutterer and the month this has been going on seems to have made it worse. He starts middle school and we're worried. I also have a daughter, nearly 15, I had hoped to be there, as a family, to support them

in these upcoming difficult years.

 

We both want to be there for obvious reasons. It's going to be hard to see her I am sure, but my sons care and well being surpass any emotional/relationship issues we have. She'll probably think it's some sort of letter. She'll look at it later when not around me and after that I don't really care what she does with em. If they make her happy, so be it.

 

I don't really think of it as breaking my N/C as it's a business meeting for my son and I don't plan on deviating outside the topic we are meeting for. At least I'll have my kids at the house again tonite, it had been a week since I had them at the house and it had gotten quite bleak.

[justaguy81]

Alright. Good luck with everything. Hopefully she will love the tickets and it will remind her how thoughtful you are. You sound like a very caring man and a great dad, and I hope your situation turns around.

[surfjon]

Well,

We met at the speech therapist, my wife looking lovely....as always.

It was hard to focus on the matters at hand, my eyes wanted to see her, to recharge the images in my mind, I havent seen her in a few days and I wanted to just look.

 

We both pulled up at the same time and said friendly hellos. I gave her the tix in an unmarked envelope and just said to put it in her car, which she did.

 

The meeting went well, my son now has a great speech therapist for his stuttering.

 

I assume when she got in her car she thought "I guess I better read this weepy letter he wrote", I don't know....maybe she didn't even open it.

 

I wanted her to have them.............whatever