Dumped!? Already?!

[hellsbells910]

Okay. First *official* post.

 

Just a few questions.

 

I met this guy (who I will refer to as Zak) @ a party in May. I had just had some serious life changes that passed (graduated college, moved away, started new job, relationships ended, major fight with my best friend) and Zak kinda showed up at the best moment. He struck me as funny, he has this goofy attitude, a kind-of "take no {Mod Edit} from no one" thing, and we spent the whole night talking, drinking, etc.

This led to an exchange of numbers and we hung out a few times, each time getting progressively more flirtatious and he kissed me in the parking lot during a rainstorm the week before July 4th and I felt my whole body shake-- and trust me, I've been kissed enough before to know what to expect-- and it blew me away.

 

I made the huge mistake of sleeping with him a few weeks ago (he asked me to spend the night and as I was a little intoxicated and without anywhere to go in my state, I agreed) and a few days after that happened, I went over to his place and he seemed very distant, as though he was experiencing some regret over sleeping with me.

 

This is a seriously abridged version of the story for the sake of space and not wasting time, but the next day (it was a Wednesday) I went to the bar where Zak works to meet him and our friends and he brought his EX-GIRLFRIEND Amee with, who from the moment I walked in was rude as sin to me... I guess this is to be expected...

Anywho, that was the beginning of the end... @ some point during the night he disappeared with her into the parking lot to "have a talk" and bought her drinks and ignored me for a period of hours. I got very upset and started complaining to his friends that this was not only uncharacteristic of him but also QUITE RUDE... and he then came back and sat with me and quite flatly told me he "didn't think it was working between us" b/c he's adopted and I am not adopted and I'm too much of a princess, which he found offensive. I then proceeded to have a slight panicking episode and I believe this scared him so he took back what he said and the night proceeded as normal, with him being very sweet to me and then later as he was getting ready to leave he kissed Amee on the cheek, but did not stop to offer me any emotion and left. Just like that.

 

I have seen him once since then, and he continued to tell me that he did not feel that this was a good time for a relationship, that he would only hurt me, and that his family situation was very messed up as he has just found out that he was adopted within the past year or two and been re-introduced to his biological parents, who are still together and have two other kids. I told him I would respect his wishes and give him space, but asked whether or not it would be unreasonable to ask to give me another chance in the future when things calmed down a bit and he said no and that he would call me soon.

 

He hasn't.

 

I know this seems like a very dubious and strange situation that I should even be wasting any of my time after the whole "Amee" episode (to whom he still talks regularly with) but I needed anyone else's opinion--

 

Is this guy a jerk? Do I believe him after the whole Amee thing? Do I just let it alone and stop contacting him or never contact him again?

 

The relationship wasn't all that serious (except for the part where we slept together-- which I hate that I did that only to be hurt like this in a matter of days) and didn't last all that long, but I like him a great deal and feel as though its unfair to write a woman off because she is "a princess" or because there are some issues in his life that he thinks I can't handle or won't be able to understand... (honestly. what!? I'm so far from a princess...)

 

I don't know maybe I'm not being honest with myself or facing the reality of the situation...

 

I did try and text message him this week to say hi/gripe about nerdy video game things-- no response.

 

I just don't know what to do or how to approach this situation since there is

such a massive amount of drama surrounding it.](*,)

[Lana0120]

I think the guy's a jerk. It sounds like he's using his circumstances to justify his behaviour and make himself sound better than he is. Also, because of your panic attack, he's probably trying not to upset you as well (although not very successfully!). Draw a line under him and move on, I'd say.

[chai714]

Is he a jerk? That's your opinion and you know him better than we do. It's not fair to call him a jerk because you want something that he doesn't want right now. Since you went to the bar to meet with friends (and not just Zak) then he had every right to talk to his ex girlfriend. Just because he payed attention to her doesn't make him a jerk or rude.

 

Realize that when you sleep with someone or begin spending time with them, that doesn't mean they're obligated to give you attention or become your gf/bf. Dating is an open field with no written rules and this is one of the risks. Next time, it might be wise to not sleep with someone until they commit to you or until you can be okay with sex w/o a committment.

 

I'm not meaning to be harsh but am merely stating what I see a lot of.

 

Welcome to eNotalone. Stick around, you might learn a few things.

[Lana0120]

In all fairness chai, hellsbells was asking us if he was a jerk - I was the one who said he was lol! I just think that after sleeping with a guy, feeling there's a connection and being treated that way that it's a big slap in the face. Fair enough if he doesn't want to pursue a relationship, but to make excuses about it, use bits of your past to justify it and then ultimately blame someone else - that's what gets to me. A gentleman would just say 'You're a lovely lass and I hope we can be friends, but I don't see a future in us' and leave it at that.

[Mun]

Time to move on. You know, when a person doesn't want to be with you any excuse is a good one to them. I think the princess thing is just that.

 

You may really like him, but he does not want to be in a relationship with you and he is doing his best to get you to not want to be in one with him. Notice his behavior?

 

Take this as a lesson ( boy do those hurt) that maybe you should wait a bit longer and get to know someone better before getting too involved.

 

I say you can do better.

[chai714]

I think hellsbells sounds like a great girl. She's educated, she cares about people and has lots of friends.

 

For some reason, Zak does not want her right now. He probably liked her, was definitely attracted to her but other (possibly unexplained factors) have caused him to withdraw from seeing her for now. Or, he may have feelings for his ex that she previously did not know.

 

From what I've read, he never mistreated her or was directly rude to her. Yes, he slept with her once and now is not talking to her but that doesn't make him a jerk. There never was a committment. This is the difference between dating and bf/gf.

[rootcause43]

I guess he broke up with Amee it must be because she wasn't adopted as well. I wasn't adopted, but that is a pretty lame excuse - which is all it is. Disregard his Princess comment.

 

As you said, he is a "take no **** from no one" kind of guy. Let him be his little "bad boy" self.

 

He said he would call. And hasn't. You've text'd. And he hasn't replied.

 

Sorry you're hurt, but I think you need to cut your losses here. He knows how to find you and you've expressed your desire to continue to work on things. But I wouldn't chase this guy.

[Lana0120]

I agree with you rootcause. That's what gets to me about this whole thing, the 'I can;t go out with you because I am adopted' and calling Amee a princess. They are both insulting comments: the first insults Amee's intelligence and the second insults Amee personally. I hope you can get over him Amee, I wish you well and feel for you big time as I know what it's like to be let down.

[drewciouS281]

screw this guy!! you sound like a nice person and it sounds like he got what he wanted from you and now he is playing the cold shoulder. For all you know it also sounds like he may be gettin back with his ex. Just doesnt have the balls to tell you the truth and someone like that isnt worth any time. Show him you dont care and move on from him. What you guys had wasnt a relationship. it was a fling that didnt go the way you wanted it too.

[ghost69]

i wouldn't call the guy a jerk. you are both consenting adults. you should handle your liquor a bit better to stay away from these situations. also, i'm not blaming you completely for his actions.

 

i think something is missing in this story. did he invite you to the bar to meet up? if so, i would think it to be a bit jerkish of him to have his ex there and show affection to her like that in your face. that i can see as being a bit rude.

 

the only other thin that i do not see here is that nowhere in your post was anything discussed that this guy owed you anything? you weren't together and you said he just happened to show up at the perfect moment in your life when you needed somebody. score for him and score for you.

 

you can't really police this guy. he did nothing wrong. did he promise you a relationship and being showered with dates?

 

i see this happen a lot when a guy and a girl sleep together. one of them usually wants to make it official. sorry to say, it's usually the girl. somebody's feelings are usually pushed in the mud.

 

 

and i'm not sure the title of this thread fits. nobody was dumped here.

[i3aller4lyfe]

Just walk away. The guy only wanted to get into your pants. He says he has these family problems etc etc...thats probably why he is still associating with his EX. They probably share some kind of deep history together and he feels very comfortable with her and they are clearly not over eachother especially with all these personal life problems he is having. Even he does decides that he wants to date you, can you really trust him with his EX? Who do you think hes going to run and talk to when he is having family issues?

[Beec]

I think it is time to move on. You seem to have run into a guy who chases, and chased until he got sex, and then did not want to chase anymore.

 

You have two choices, moving on, or one risky move.

 

If you want to try, follow these instructions specifically. Call him, ask to see him at his place. You will be going over to take him sexually, to f him then leave. You go over to see him wearing something that allows access to your genitals, i.e. a skirt, no panties and stockings, ideally. Walk in, kiss him, passionately, push him onto a chair, lift the skirt, tell him to eat you, when done, remove his pants, and while he remains sitting, jump on and ride. When done, get off, tell him if he is good he may get more, pat him on the head and leave.

 

You will probably have him chase you.

 

But this is very risky.

[volpe]

woah beec, where did that come from??

[sti_2004]

whoaw !! easy beec... easy mate.

 

OP zak seems pretty insensitive and kinda mean... yea he's not your bf but you still deserve to be treated well.

 

he does sound like he has alot of issues but walking outside with his ex then walking back in and telling you nothings going to happen because your a princess...... thats just dumb.

 

sounds like he used you as a rebound to get over his ex.. but seems like he still wants her.... im sure she'll give him the cold shoulder then he'll call you sooner or later...

 

jerk or not, go your own way.

 

or just take beec's advice...

[Beec]

woah beec, where did that come from??

 

I've recommended it before. It operates by using the diea of "we want what we cannot have." In this case, a woman is going outside of nromal convention and in a sense trying to make him think there is something he cannot have, her heat and love. She in a sense turns the tables on him and seems to use him sexually. He is in an unusual position, as no one has prepared him for this, wants the thing he cannot have, and works like heck to get it.

 

In the prior cases in which I have seem it work well, the woman was sexually involved with the man and and a friends with benefits thing that she wanted to change into a relationship. She pulled off this scenario and soon had a man who was obsessed with her. The person no longer posts, I think, but it worked for as long as I knew.

 

If it works initially, not sure it will for the OP, then the other danger is in not keeping him chasing something for quite a while.

 

A woman that seems to use a man sexually will often find him obsessed with her.

[chai714]

 

A woman that seems to use a man sexually will often find him obsessed with her.

 

Beec's theory could work and has worked. I guess I can confess that I was used by a woman that was a fling before. I didn't really like her but was very attracted to her.

 

Long story short, she basically rocked my world, then went completely aloof. She truly didn't want more. I was left staggering, wanting more of her while she seemingly barely blinked an eye.

[sti_2004]

yea its a great idea if all she wants is to turn the tide and get revenge... also you shouldn't have to goto those extreme lengths just to get a bf/gf.

[volpe]

I agree, I wouldn't do it with this guy. He isn't even worth all that. I do think he is pretty insensitive, if not a total jerk. He knows you (the OP) have feelings for him, so for him to be leaving with his ex for a while and kiss her on the cheek and not even give YOU any affection, it goes to show that he wants his ex and not you. He got what he wanted... and now he shows his true colors. But don't blame yourself. Scratch it off as an experience gained...

[Lana0120]

I don't think he's worth that. Regardless of what the guys think, I do think that Zak wronged you Amee. Not because he slept with you and owed you something after that - he didn't. It's the fact that he came up with these flimsy excuses and the way that he made you feel. You need to play angry music, get out there and do things and forget about the jerk!

[hellsbells910]

i think something is missing in this story. did he invite you to the bar to meet up? if so, i would think it to be a bit jerkish of him to have his ex there and show affection to her like that in your face. that i can see as being a bit rude.

 

the only other thin that i do not see here is that nowhere in your post was anything discussed that this guy owed you anything? you weren't together and you said he just happened to show up at the perfect moment in your life when you needed somebody. score for him and score for you.

 

and i'm not sure the title of this thread fits. nobody was dumped here.

 

Yes, we were dating. so in essense, i suppose that qualifies as a relationship and would explain why I was in turn, "dumped".

 

 

You have two choices, moving on, or one risky move.

 

If you want to try, follow these instructions specifically. Call him, ask to see him at his place. You will be going over to take him sexually, to f him then leave. You go over to see him wearing something that allows access to your genitals, i.e. a skirt, no panties and stockings, ideally. Walk in, kiss him, passionately, push him onto a chair, lift the skirt, tell him to eat you, when done, remove his pants, and while he remains sitting, jump on and ride. When done, get off, tell him if he is good he may get more, pat him on the head and leave.

 

You will probably have him chase you.

 

But this is very risky.

 

This is hilarious. If I were not in such an awkward position in terms of how I felt, I might actually consider doing this... as I think it would be hilarious to just rub it in a little. That's cold I suppose... but it would be funny to see if it worked.

 

I've recommended it before. It operates by using the diea of "we want what we cannot have." In this case, a woman is going outside of nromal convention and in a sense trying to make him think there is something he cannot have, her heat and love. She in a sense turns the tables on him and seems to use him sexually. He is in an unusual position, as no one has prepared him for this, wants the thing he cannot have, and works like heck to get it.

 

 

Yeah. I think there is logic there. Not sure if I want to go this route...

 

I agree, I wouldn't do it with this guy. He isn't even worth all that. I do think he is pretty insensitive, if not a total jerk. He knows you (the OP) have feelings for him, so for him to be leaving with his ex for a while and kiss her on the cheek and not even give YOU any affection, it goes to show that he wants his ex and not you. He got what he wanted... and now he shows his true colors. But don't blame yourself. Scratch it off as an experience gained...

 

I don't think he's worth that. Regardless of what the guys think, I do think that Zak wronged you Amee. Not because he slept with you and owed you something after that - he didn't. It's the fact that he came up with these flimsy excuses and the way that he made you feel. You need to play angry music, get out there and do things and forget about the jerk!

 

I know. Thanks for all the responses, I really appreciate it. Things are a little more clear at least... I needed some time away from the situation and away from him and all those toxic thoughts that come with being close to someone you think you like, etc. And as for the angry music, Lana, I'm so already there...

 

I guess I just don't understand, at the end of the day, why people act like that. Sex is sex, yes, and that can mean very little in certain circumstances... but he admitted to me that he liked me a great deal long before the sex and yet everyone believes that I was used (including me at this point)... why put in all the effort (on his side) to pretend to have feelings for someone only to cause such a ridiculous scene?

 

!!! RIDICULOUS!!!

 

And on top of all of it... I could care less if he was adopted or not and don't see how that's a valid argument for ending a relationship... if anything, hiding from the world and not sharing your trials with others just seems like a recipe for doom and loneliness.

 

I suppose I'm just young and dumb, eh?

[ghost69]

so who asked who to be exclusive? like bf/gf?

[hellsbells910]

so who asked who to be exclusive? like bf/gf?

 

My girlfriend and I were out one night and Zak and his roommate came and at some point turned to my friend and started talking about how much he was into me and how he enjoyed having a girlfriend who was "cool", etc.

 

Sigh. So confusing.

[Mun]

So you were his gf and then you were not? Strange guy. He sounds like a clown. I say find someone who is more stable.

[ghost69]

My girlfriend and I were out one night and Zak and his roommate came and at some point turned to my friend and started talking about how much he was into me and how he enjoyed having a girlfriend who was "cool", etc.

 

Sigh. So confusing.

 

hmmm. what a jerk.

 

is it possible he actually meant friend who just happens to be female?