13 years of marriage... gone

[DGenault]

I think a realist would ask, why get married again? You could live together, see how it goes, keep it up front. Its not a prison, why go through the trouble of creating pretend bars around it?

[DGenault]

A lot of marriages that I see are just like your first. One person ends up being the "mommy" or "daddy" to the other and is left feeling utterly alone. You're right, I don't know what you do with that.

 

When someone makes the decision to toss out the barrel, wreak havoc over everyone, because they just met the new love of their life (who will solve ALL of their problems)... while playing a video game... What roles do you think were being played out in that family?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with this and your previous posts. I have seen people stay in very unhappy marriages because they don't want to be alone, don't want to start over etc. My grandparents remained married throughout their lives but it was a very unhappy marriage. Divorce just wasn't something their generation did. I too have seen people who haven't matured and grown as they have gotten older. Life experiences should teach you things but unfortunately not everyone is up to learning, so they stay stuck in their same behaviours and patterns. If one person grows and the other stays stagnant, I can't blame the person who grows for wanting to leave. Conversely, some life experiences change a person in a negative way and it becomes difficult for the partner to deal with the negative change...so leaving is the only alternative. I think we are all sold on this "happily ever after" fairy tale that we read about when we are children or we see in movies. But that is just fantasy with the story incomplete. The story always ends with the couple getting married, but in real life the marriage is just the beginning and now the real work begins.

 

Back to the OP. The marriage has been unravelling for a long time. You made a mistake, worked on patching it up, but unfortunately she likely never got over what you did and she ended up straying and not wanting to fix it. I guess you will both learn some lessons from this. For now you have to accept what is and move forward with the separation and making sure your children are protected. Down the road she might realize that internet man is not all she thought he was and might reconsider things with you. Who knows. But right now you have to deal with the current reality and make sure your interests are protected.

[PeanutButter]

 

Back to the OP. The marriage has been unravelling for a long time. You made a mistake, worked on patching it up, but unfortunately she likely never got over what you did and she ended up straying and not wanting to fix it. I guess you will both learn some lessons from this. For now you have to accept what is and move forward with the separation and making sure your children are protected. Down the road she might realize that internet man is not all she thought he was and might reconsider things with you. Who knows. But right now you have to deal with the current reality and make sure your interests are protected.

 

Good advice. BUT you said you were over this and if she does come back or reconsider things with you, honestly you shouldn't. She cheated and it seems like she just wants this internet person and fell out of love with ya. If she would want you back it would be for all the wrong reasons. She would just realize the great person and father you are, but may not love you.

[Auntie Em]

With all due respect - ambiguity and lack of action in this case doesnt do anyone any favors, including the children. Its out of love that you do the hard things, not out of "being the good/bad guy".

 

The first instance of infidelity was dealt with appropriately with honesty and counseling - he did the right thing. Whereas this action by his wife is far more severe and needs to be addressed appropriately - more time and space will usually not change the situation if things are not put into action.

 

It could be argued that as the person who introduced this "possiblity" into his marriage in the first place, his wrong is more "severe". But really, does any of that matter at this point?

 

Gearing himself up to be the "more wronged" party isn't going to help. The things he has said seem to indicate a willingness on her part to end this gracefully.

 

There is nothing to be gained, not her respect or anything else, by getting "tough" with her at this point.

 

I agree that more time and space will not "change the situation"...but what it can and usually does do is allow people to be less reactionary and knee jerk about their decisions.

 

Not a bad thing when you are driving the bus and your children are the passengers.

[JadedStar]

I think a realist would ask, why get married again? You could live together, see how it goes, keep it up front. Its not a prison, why go through the trouble of creating pretend bars around it?

 

Many people live together, get married, and then still get divorced.

 

There are no pretend bars. If you think that is what I am saying then you totally failed to get my point. The way I VIEW IT the beauty is there are NO BARS AROUND IT PERIOD. It is based on LOVE and WANTING to stay together, not staying together out of force or because society thinks we should. My marriage is together because of our love and wanting to be together, not these invisible "bars" you speak of.

 

You are reading what you want to read into this so the conversation is pointless.

 

I mistakenly thought from reading one of your posts that you finally came to terms with the fact that just because one is married is no guarantee of a forever happily ever after.

 

Reading your subsequent posts I think that is what you think marriage is. Cinderella is a fairy tale dude.

[JadedStar]

A lot of marriages that I see are just like your first. One person ends up being the "mommy" or "daddy" to the other and is left feeling utterly alone. You're right, I don't know what you do with that.

 

When someone makes the decision to toss out the barrel, wreak havoc over everyone, because they just met the new love of their life (who will solve ALL of their problems)... while playing a video game... What roles do you think were being played out in that family?

 

 

 

I am not your ex, and I did not wreak havoc over eveyrone over a video game. So I cannot answer your question.

[Auntie Em]

Great post.

 

 

Thank you! I'm new here and I don't know the protocol on thanking folks for their kind words. I don't want to bog down threads is there another place for this?

 

Any helpful hints on navigation of this site would be wonderful.

 

Thanks!

[Olive.Juice]

Thank you! I'm new here and I don't know the protocol on thanking folks for their kind words. I don't want to bog down threads is there another place for this?

 

Any helpful hints on navigation of this site would be wonderful.

 

Thanks!

 

there are the words "helpful post" at the top right of each post. You can click that an leave them a message.

[tgt]

It could be argued that as the person who introduced this "possiblity" into his marriage in the first place, his wrong is more "severe". But really, does any of that matter at this point?

 

Right and wrong do matter - people make mistakes, its how they deal with those mistakes thats important. Pointing the finger at him for "introducing" this is just silly.

Gearing himself up to be the "more wronged" party isn't going to help. The things he has said seem to indicate a willingness on her part to end this gracefully.

There is no "gearing himself up" here to be a victim, he is the victim by her actions of infidelity. Dont misinterpret this. Of course she is willing to end this gracefully, she has a nice cushy parachute now!

There is nothing to be gained, not her respect or anything else, by getting "tough" with her at this point.

I dont think you understand the situation Antie, have you been involved with infidelity yourself? Taking a stand for yourself as a person helps you respect yourself and the respect of others. Respect is a very important ingredient that you seem to be dismissing with your comments.

I agree that more time and space will not "change the situation"...but what it can and usually does do is allow people to be less reactionary and knee jerk about their decisions.

 

Not a bad thing when you are driving the bus and your children are the passengers.

 

A better analogy is that the plane is going down and the parents need to get the oxygen mask before the children.

[PeanutButter]

So anyways..

I just wanted to wish the best of luck to Indisarray

I hope everything works out for you and that you find great happiness in life.

Hopefully this divorce will be as smooth of a transition as possible.

Good luck with seeing your partner when she comes home.

I would advise to keep the kids at a family members house when she does if you two are going to discuss things.

And for gods sakes!! I hope you eat some more food besides toast!!

=] have a wonderful day/night!!

[lexvirgo]

I am always surprised at how quick people are on this list to tell people to lawyer up and go to war with their spouse, particularly when there is infidelity involved. That is not always the best advice, in my opinion. It seems a lot of people reflect their own bitterness and anger when advising someone else.

 

I am not a family law atty, but I am an attorney and I have worked with matrimonial attorneys for years. It never ceased to amaze me the time, money and emotional energy people were willing to spend shredding their soon to be ex spouses, whether it made sense or not, even when there was anything worth fighting for.

 

As I understand it, Texas is one of the most pure community property states. Things get divided 50-50, there is no spousal support. In addition, most states have formulas that dictate the amount of child support, depending on income and number of children. Finally, I don't know about Texas, but a growing number of states are "no fault" divorce states. In short, the court doesn't care who was sleeping with whom, or much of anything else, unless it is somehow relevant to the kids. The one thing this guy's wife seems to have done is gallivanted around the country, leaving the kids, and meeting her boy friend. Even that wouldn't really influence a no-fault state family court judge, in my experience. I've spent a lot of time sitting through family law court dockets, and know what people want to fight about and how judges react.

 

In disarray, go see a lawyer to find out how things are likely to shake down. Many of them will do free initial consults, or sometimes local bars have legal clinics where attys will do pro bono work. They may well recommend that taking out a loan against retirement to stay in a house that you have a hard time affording is not a great idea. Besides, half of "her" retirement account is yours. But try to find some help without creating World War 3. You can't afford it, either financially or emotionally, and it makes things more devastating for the kids.

 

My husband and I have opted to handle our split up in a professional and business like manner, and will be doing a collaborative divorce. Makes a lot more sense than busting the bank and the kids' hearts.

[tylercdurden2004]

I dont know if anyone said go to court. But I havent read through every single post. Getting a lawyer and seeking legal advice and going to court are two different things arent they? Or am I misguided?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I really don't think anybody was advocating World War 3. I think it is great that you and your husband can settle your split amicably and with no fuss. Unfortunately not every couple works that way. Sometimes one person wants to settle things seamlessly but the other person doesn't. Also, sometimes one person has a very misguided notion of what they are entitled to so the other person has to fight to protect their own interests. Getting legal advice is a wise move just to get informed of what his rights and obligations are in case his wife pulls a fast one on him. Hopefully things will go seamlessly with him as well, but it never hurts to be prepared just in case.

[lexvirgo]

Some of the earlier posts definitely say, kick her out, change the locks, fight for custody. Those are the kind of things that make these situations spiral completely out of control. A lot of the later posts are much calmer, admittedly.

 

While I am the first to say get some legal advice, it is also important to not get led astray by some attorney who cares more about making a big fee than honoring the client's wishes. I talked to legal counsel, and some seemed to be willing to honor my desire to keep this calm. Others said outlandish things about what I was entitled to, whether my spouse was hiding assets, etc.

 

As I understand it, property division in Texas is pretty cut and dried. But a local atty could confirm that.

[tylercdurden2004]

Sure but I think that is for the client to determine if they are getting taken for a ride. There are a lot of unscrupulous attorneys out there, there are also good ones. But that should not stop someone from seeking legal advice in a situation that at some point will involve legatlities of some sort.

 

I think a second opinion is always good.

 

 

Some of the earlier posts definitely say, kick her out, change the locks, fight for custody. Those are the kind of things that make these situations spiral completely out of control. A lot of the later posts are much calmer, admittedly.

 

While I am the first to say get some legal advice, it is also important to not get led astray by some attorney who cares more about making a big fee than honoring the client's wishes. I talked to legal counsel, and some seemed to be willing to honor my desire to keep this calm. Others said outlandish things about what I was entitled to, whether my spouse was hiding assets, etc.

 

As I understand it, property division in Texas is pretty cut and dried. But a local atty could confirm that.

[PeanutButter]

Some of the earlier posts definitely say, kick her out, change the locks, fight for custody. Those are the kind of things that make these situations spiral completely out of control. A lot of the later posts are much calmer, admittedly.

 

While I am the first to say get some legal advice, it is also important to not get led astray by some attorney who cares more about making a big fee than honoring the client's wishes. I talked to legal counsel, and some seemed to be willing to honor my desire to keep this calm. Others said outlandish things about what I was entitled to, whether my spouse was hiding assets, etc.

 

As I understand it, property division in Texas is pretty cut and dried. But a local atty could confirm that.

 

God, not being so dead on serious here bout changing locks. He needs to have her move out though, because its eventually going to happen. The sooner the better on the kids. Either to discuss where and when she will leave or it may be a good time to do it when she comes back and maybe have the kids at a family memebers so they dont here the discussion of divorce or if i doubt, this couple seems like the not yelling type? but just incase things get a little out of control. The kids shouldn't by there when that goes down either way. They should be talked separately about it after everything has been discussed. If she has a new man in her life and she just left her kids with her husband, even for a weekend like that, than he may be getting custody no need to fight over it. She may want to live her own life but still have her kids in her life just weekends, not full time. Thats why I was saying they are better off with the dad right now and yes its just because the mom just took off to see some guy from the net. Also either way, the parents are going to bring new people in their lives some day, but the dad has the house right? its easier for the one whos getting like the apartment to move. Also she may be living near this new guy? And if she lives with the kids she may bring that new guy a little too soon home.

[InDisarray]

She came back last night. Told me nothing happened with the guy. Really it doesn't matter. I'm not a fool enough to take her word for it. Neither one of us can afford to move out until the house sells. She wants to do an online divorce where you just print the forms out. I don't know about this. I'm just so cofused on how it all works. I don't want to put her on the street, she won't want to leave without the kids. She says she wants to be the primary conservator -- the one who they are with 60% of the time. I know she can't take the kids out of the county without a legal fight.

 

Have other people been able to co-habitate? I am finding it very difficult. Just knowing she wants to be out. It's not my fault she can't afford it.

 

We really haven't anything to argue about. Someone said we weren't the yelling type which is true. The only real argument is who is the primary. The material things in our life don't amount to a whole lot. I do want this to be as amicable as possible so we can remain civil for the kids. That's the most important thing to me is the kids and for them to know that they are loved by both parents and that nothing is ever going to change that. If I kick her to the curb like a lot of people think I should, that does nothing to help the kids. This isn't about me and what's right for me, it's about what is right for the girls.

 

As far as a lawyer, she wants to do the online thing where you enter everything in and it spits out the documents. I don't know if that is a good idea or not. I do know that a lawyer is anywhere from 700 to 1500 for a simple all agreed upon divorce. That is money that we don't have right now.

 

Anyway, I will keep you all updated and thank you all for your advice on what is an extremely emotional situation.

[PeanutButter]

The material things in our life don't amount to a whole lot. I do want this to be as amicable as possible so we can remain civil for the kids. That's the most important thing to me is the kids and for them to know that they are loved by both parents and that nothing is ever going to change that. If I kick her to the curb like a lot of people think I should, that does nothing to help the kids. This isn't about me and what's right for me, it's about what is right for the girls.

 

Good for you!! I'm glad thats how you think!! Honestly, if I was a divorce lawyer living in your area I do it for free. But someone here said you could find a pro bono lawyer someone? Maybe try that?

 

WOW. Who in God's name advised her to do a divorce over the net? I never heard of that! Wow. No no I really don't think you should do that. Who is to say a computer will be smart here? I'm sorry don't know about that kind of stuff, but good luck! I'll try to look up on that, as I'm sure you are. She doesn't want to leave without the girls? Hmm if you want them 60% of the time, which honestly in this situation I think be best because you seem to have more interest in the children right now. She drove 500 miles to see some guy for a weekend and left you with them. Then comes back like everythings fine and peachy like "lets get the divorce give me the girls etc." And its not that im going against anyone but reality you will even start dating, but when she goes to see this guy whos she just going to feel like dropping the girls off with? You two are on good terms so until the house sells its fine. Have you guys put it up for sale already? Do you want custody 60%? or the 40%? Why would she take them out of the country???

[InDisarray]

Not country, county. Her family is 800 miles away. When you do a divorce there is an automatic order from the court that the kids can't me moved from the county.

 

The online thing is out there. If you google divorce in texas one of the first few links takes you to a sight where you do it online. I don't know. I'm pretty sure I need to make at least an initial consultation with a lawyer. I do want this to be done as soon as possible.

[PeanutButter]

Not country, county. Her family is 800 miles away. When you do a divorce there is an automatic order from the court that the kids can't me moved from the county.

 

The online thing is out there. If you google divorce in texas one of the first few links takes you to a sight where you do it online. I don't know. I'm pretty sure I need to make at least an initial consultation with a lawyer. I do want this to be done as soon as possible.

 

Sorry I read that wrong, I've always heard out of the country you can't without a legal fight! My parents have been divorced since forever and I've just picked up and moved when I was a minor out of the county to my dads. Although it was okay with both so it wasn't a big issue. Thats why I was unaware hmm could be different in all states!

 

Wow, she may want to move near family, but you ever thought, she may want to move near this guy? That will NOT be good for your kids at all. I think its best, and you may see the same, they stay put in this county where you are at presently in their school, around their friends so it will not be so hard on them.

 

Well thats good you want to move ahead. I suggest you get a consultation with a lawyer as you want to, because just going on the net and agreeing to something your not sure of, may not be the best!! Well I wish you the best of luck!!

[JadedStar]

As for the particular quote below"

 

My husband and I have opted to handle our split up in a professional and business like manner, and will be doing a collaborative divorce. Makes a lot more sense than busting the bank and the kids' hearts.

 

Good luck. many of us believe we can split amicably and collaboratively. Divorce has a way of bringing out the greed and worst in people.

 

I hope it works as smoothly as you think. Update us after a year, I am interested at how amicably it continues to be.

 

I truly hope it works for you but people get burnt MORE when they think they can work it out like this becaues of the other one gets bitter or greedy they can lunge when you are very unaware.

 

I think it best to prepare for the worst and hope for the best when divorce is concerned. That is if you have any marital assets or children, and I assume you do.

[Auntie Em]

Right and wrong do matter - people make mistakes, its how they deal with those mistakes thats important. Pointing the finger at him for "introducing" this is just silly.

 

There is no "gearing himself up" here to be a victim, he is the victim by her actions of infidelity. Dont misinterpret this. Of course she is willing to end this gracefully, she has a nice cushy parachute now!

 

I dont think you understand the situation Antie, have you been involved with infidelity yourself? Taking a stand for yourself as a person helps you respect yourself and the respect of others. Respect is a very important ingredient that you seem to be dismissing with your comments.

 

 

A better analogy is that the plane is going down and the parents need to get the oxygen mask before the children.

The point I am making, tgt, is that who is at fault and who is MORE at fault is going to vary from perspective to perspective..and is really pointless at this point in the process.

 

Clinging to I'm right can really hinder getting things settled because along with all the other facets of divorce you have to get the other guy to see you as the acknowledged victim. Pointless and unlikely.

 

Yes, I understand the situation, yes I have earned my infidelity credentials the "hard" way.

 

Taking a stand for yourself is different, far different from assigning blame. I am not dismissing any of his situation. I am however returning the focus to the children, the blameless children who need protection.

 

An even better analogy would be that the parents are the pilot and co-pilots and if they do this decently there will be no NEED for oxygen masks for anyone.

[PeanutButter]

I spoke to my friend whos in law, he said, "yes you can get those forms online, but you will still have to file it in court. you don't do it online, you just get the forms that way. everyone still has to do it in person in the court. it's better to get the packet in person though."

[InDisarray]

I spoke to my friend whos in law, he said, "yes you can get those forms online, but you will still have to file it in court. you don't do it online, you just get the forms that way. everyone still has to do it in person in the court. it's better to get the packet in person though."

 

Yes, sorry, I should have been more clear. All the online site does for you is prepare the documents. We would still have to file them in court and go through that process.