13 years of marriage... gone

[Olive.Juice]

From then I really focused on me and did a ton of counseling, reading, exercising, and rediscovering who the hell I was because I had to bury so much of myself to get along with her. This had yeilded some great results for me, I am back in shape, happier and realizing how fricking miserable I was with her..

 

I am so glad that you were able to come out of your situation with such happiness and well-being. It must have been horrible. I hope that InDisarray can do the same.

 

Best of luck to you both!

[InDisarray]

I am so glad that you were able to come out of your situation with such happiness and well-being. It must have been horrible. I hope that InDisarray can do the same.

 

Best of luck to you both!

 

Thank you very much! Everyone who has posted, I want to say thank you. Your support and advice means a lot to me!

[JadedStar]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Olive.Juice

I totally disagree. When I met my daughter's father on line, I WAS NOT LOOKING. Had no idea it would grow into what it was. And, he even said she met him gamming. NOT on a date site. What she SHOULD have done and what she HAS done are two different things. Debating that is pointless as it will never change.

 

quote by Peanutbutter:

thats tru, but she could of said im married i dont want to speak to you in any other form but friends. she took it to the next step.

 

You both are probably right in a sense. This could easily have started as an online friendship and BECAUSE of the things he (her husband, the OP) told her (attraction for that coworker) she was probably gutted and began feel insecure about herself and the marriage and it left her wide open to flattery and another man could have just waltzed right in.

 

Sure she could have said I AM MARRIED, but come on, she was already hurting and vulnerable over this thing that happened with him, so that probably left her wide open for an online affair.

 

Truth is she probably didn't want to say she was married as she was still hurt and angry over what her husbad, the OP, did to her.

 

We can judge her, but people who feel hurt and betrayed act out in all sorts of ways.

 

They have both hurt each other in this marriage.

[PeanutButter]

Good for you!! I just love how your becoming so strong!! Its good someone wrote here about a similiar personal experience. That should help you a lot!! You will get through this!!

[PeanutButter]

I don't see a point to this subject anymore because thats not what disarray needs help with, debating on how his wife did what she did. So I'm sorry I kept talking about it. But the important thing is, hes overcoming this and his life will be much better once this is all over and done with!! Well the divorce part.

[tgt]

Thank you very much! Everyone who has posted, I want to say thank you. Your support and advice means a lot to me!

 

Very glad to help - I have been down this very road and am still travelling it.

 

Even though its not intuitive, being tough with your love works for you and can work to change the opinion your spouse has of you very dramatically if you stick to it. Our natural reaction is to go after our spouses as they run from us because we love them and feel abandoned - but that will get you nothing but more severe pain and their disdain. You have to be respected to be loved - and there is a complete lack of it coming from your spouse at the moment. You'll gain it back if you stand strong and be a man in this, be the rock.

 

Feel free to PM me if you want book suggestions and anything else and welcome to ENA!

[Olive.Juice]

Truth is she probably didn't want to say she was married as she was still hurt and angry over what her husbad, the OP, did to her.

 

We can judge her, but people who feel hurt and betrayed act out in all sorts of ways.

 

They have both hurt each other in this marriage.

 

I agree totally.

[PeanutButter]

 

We can judge her, but people who feel hurt and betrayed act out in all sorts of ways.

 

They have both hurt each other in this marriage.

 

I agree to this as well.

[JadedStar]

I don't see a point to this subject anymore because thats not what disarray needs help with, debating on how his wife did what she did. So I'm sorry I kept talking about it. But the important thing is, hes overcoming this and his life will be much better once this is all over and done with!! Well the divorce part.

 

I think it is very important as it might help him better understand where his wife's mind was probably at during this time. Many people beat themselves up wondering "WHY WHY WHY".

 

And i was simply elaborating on posts you and olive.juice had been making.

[Olive.Juice]

I think it is very important as it might help him better understand where his wife's mind was probably at during this time. Many people beat themselves up wondering "WHY WHY WHY".

 

And i was simply elaborating on posts you and olive.juice had been making.

 

That was what I was hoping to help him with. An understanding of her mind set.. that she may not have been deliberate in her initial actions.

[DGenault]

At some point you probably will want to take an honest, critical look at the relationship, try to see how the dynamics really worked and how it fell off its track.

 

As by tgt's example, this situation does provide you an opportunity to grow. My therapist made the point that the Achilles' heel of your next relationship (as down the road as that may be) will be the very common risk that you run right out and recreate the first with someone new. Only by recognizing the patterns can you eliminate them.

[JadedStar]

That was what I was hoping to help him with. An understanding of her mind set.. that she may not have been deliberate in her initial actions.

 

Truth is we don't know, but I agree that there is a good chance she was not deliberate with this. One reason why I think that is likely is becuase the OP is the one that BOUGHT the game and got them started. It is very unlikely that she thought "wow, i bet i can find a guy on that game to talk to and have an affair with". This was not an online dating site where she found him....it was an online game that the OP purchased, he said himself in retrospect he wishes he hadn't bought it. Most people wouild not think they could find a lover on a video game (it is alarming how many cases I have heard of this happening lately). I doubt that the bulk of them were intentional.

 

No, that is not likely at all IMO that she set out for this on purpose. It probably "just happened" and due to her vulnerable state she didn't try that hard to prevent it. When she saw the conversations with this guy taking this kind of turn in the beginning it might have been with a mindset "i'll show him (meaning her husband)".

[tgt]

My wife initially started playing online games because I was for many years - I dont believe she did it to cheat on me or meet someone accross the country who would end our marriage. Without being fully conscience of it, we were both in a vulnerable state for at least a couple years or more and our relationship was on autopilot. Once she found this guy seemed to really "get her" or connect she developed a new vision with him and without me - one that blocked (and still does) all possibility of us figuring out what was really going on in our marriage and addressing it. Infidelity is the ultimate undoer in that way - it makes your already troubled marriage look far more troubled than it really is because your mate has a very appealing alternative!

 

One more incredibly invaluble thing I learned about marriage and long term relationships was that (despite your vows) you are together by choice. Being both Christians for many years, I made the mistake of thinking divorce was never a possibility for us and that we were just "stuck" together. I was naieve and trapped in a rut and didnt know I had to get out of it or lose her to something like this. It devalued what we had and contributed to me taking far too much for granted - also gave me little motivation to do the hard things and address our problems!

 

I think changing my mindset to relationship things actually being a choice rather than an obligation really changed the way I thought about myself and my wife. I'll never make those assumptions again with anyone.

[JadedStar]

Very well said.

 

And I am very sorry to you and the OP that this occurred. But you did seem to learn some valuable things along the way that will help the next time. Marriage is absolutely not a permanent thing so it was critical for you to realize that. Relationships should always be entered and exited of free will, even if married.

[InDisarray]

She didn't like the game when I first bought it. She said I played it way too much which was probably true. I think it was an escape. I got her to start playing it too and she really was having fun and i was like, look here's something we can do together. But it's funny that just like in real life, in the game she was separating herself from me. She had her own friends on there that she talked to and it became an escape for her too. I think you are right that she didn't intend for it to happen but she was in the mental state that she let people get to her and she fell into it.

 

BTW I don't play the game anymore. I can't stand it anymore. Life is too important to waste time with a silly game that doesn't get you anywhere.

[DGenault]

One more incredibly invaluble thing I learned about marriage and long term relationships was that (despite your vows) you are together by choice. Being both Christians for many years, I made the mistake of thinking divorce was never a possibility for us and that we were just "stuck" together. I was naieve and trapped in a rut and didnt know I had to get out of it or lose her to something like this. It devalued what we had and contributed to me taking far too much for granted - also gave me little motivation to do the hard things and address our problems!

 

Wow 100%, I'm there. Its eerie really. (Isn't this site great?).

[Auntie Em]

Why does there have to be a bad guy in this? You admit that you shared with your wife an emotional infidelity which hurt her very badly. She has now had an infidelity of her own and hurt you badly. Looks like you are "even".

 

Now why don't you both start focusing on the children who's lives are going to be completely rocked by the mess you two adults have made of things?

 

Seriously, all the scrambling for a more powerful position is going to do is to step on your kids.

 

Step back, breathe and allow things some time and space to progress as they are meant to do.

 

In our haste to get out of the land of "indecision/uncertainty" we FORCE the issue. Instead try and let things play out as they will.

 

I can tell you that the emotional infidelity, crush, whatever you went through and shared with your wife has the unfortunate effect of making her understand that she wasn't the be all for you.

 

No one likes having the specter of infidelity raised in their marriages and no matter how much you committed to and worked on the relationship afterwards...Pandora's box can't be closed and now you are paying the price.

 

I'm sorry for both of you...and doubly so for your kids.

[tgt]

Why does there have to be a bad guy in this? You admit that you shared with your wife an emotional infidelity which hurt her very badly. She has now had an infidelity of her own and hurt you badly. Looks like you are "even".

 

Now why don't you both start focusing on the children who's lives are going to be completely rocked by the mess you two adults have made of things?

 

Seriously, all the scrambling for a more powerful position is going to do is to step on your kids.

 

Step back, breathe and allow things some time and space to progress as they are meant to do.

 

In our haste to get out of the land of "indecision/uncertainty" we FORCE the issue. Instead try and let things play out as they will.

 

 

With all due respect - ambiguity and lack of action in this case doesnt do anyone any favors, including the children. Its out of love that you do the hard things, not out of "being the good/bad guy".

 

The first instance of infidelity was dealt with appropriately with honesty and counseling - he did the right thing. Whereas this action by his wife is far more severe and needs to be addressed appropriately - more time and space will usually not change the situation if things are not put into action.

[Olive.Juice]

Great post.

[JadedStar]

With all due respect - ambiguity and lack of action in this case doesnt do anyone any favors, including the children. Its out of love that you do the hard things, not out of "being the good/bad guy".

 

The first instance of infidelity was dealt with appropriately with honesty and counseling - he did the right thing. Whereas this action by his wife is far more severe and needs to be addressed appropriately - more time and space will usually not change the situation if things are not put into action.

 

I agree with this. I didn't voice it but was thinking it. Both of them did something that caused stress to the marriage, but his was not AS severe because he 'fessed up and they sought counseling. He tried to save this. She did not. She didn't 'fess up until she was good and ready with her plans iwth this guy to leave him. Giving him no oppty at all to try to work with her to fix the issues.

 

But the marriage is dissovling and pointing fingers either way won't help. He needs to get on with the business of healing.

 

Marriages are journeys. We learn a lot. I don't believe that a person has to stay married to one person the entire duration of their life. If you find someone you grow at the same rate with it is fabulous. But if you find that you don't grow at the same rate and end up needing different paths, divorce can actually be healthy.

 

I am on my second marriage and it will be the last as I won't do it again at my age but I can't guarantee it will last til death do us part. Today it seems like it will as we are on the same page. But if that should drastically change ten years from now, I won't stay in a stagnate situation and i wouldn't expect him to either.

 

My first marriage of 17 years was a huge growth journey for me. Even tho it ended in divorce i don't look at it as failure. We kind of grew up together getting married so young and we both learned a lot, we just grew at a different rate and in different directions.

[PeanutButter]

great advice!!

[DGenault]

I don't believe that a person has to stay married to one person the entire duration of their life. If you find someone you grow at the same rate with it is fabulous. But if you find that you don't grow at the same rate and end up needing different paths, divorce can actually be healthy.

 

I am on my second marriage and it will be the last as I won't do it again at my age but I can't guarantee it will last til death do us part. Today it seems like it will as we are on the same page. But if that should drastically change ten years from now, I won't stay in a stagnate situation and i wouldn't expect him to either.

 

This is the piece I still can't come to terms with, particularly when there are children involved. We married very young and under less than fairy tale circumstances. And I can acknowledge my own naive view of marriage, that it was some sort of bedrock I could lean back into and rest. Not trying hard enough to grow with it, not wrestling with the problems in real time because I thought we had the rest of our lives to figure it all out.

 

I thought marriage was forever, and made serious mistakes with that assumption.

 

Sure, some exceptionally bad marriages should end and everyone is better off for it. Serious foundation problems that there is no reason to believe can ever be fixed.

 

But failing to grow at the same rate? (JS I do not meet this as an attack, your posts are really very good, just trying to work through it ).

 

Why would anyone bother marrying again unless they believed a little bit about the 'for better or worse' part? You can have the 'planned experience'... you can have the free slices. Why bother with marriage, and particularly children, unless you are convinced its 'til death do us part'?

[PeanutButter]

 

Why would anyone bother marrying again unless they believed a little bit about the 'for better or worse' part? You can have the 'planned experience'... you can have the free slices. Why bother with marriage, and particularly children, unless you are convinced its 'til death do us part'?

 

Agreed. It's true. Very true.

 

Sometimes I don't get, and I been hearing so much of guys over 24 marrying 18/19 year olds and I'm so astonished. It's like honestly what do you expect to come of this marrying only after a few months of knowing each other? Then its like having kids right right away, not enjoying the married newlywed experience for a while. I mean you need to see how it goes being married then after a couple years if your still solid have kids if ya like.. but to have kids right away if you aren't really convinced this is it?

[JadedStar]

Why would anyone bother marrying again unless they believed a little bit about the 'for better or worse' part? You can have the 'planned experience'... you can have the free slices. Why bother with marriage, and particularly children, unless you are convinced its 'til death do us part'?

 

Becuase I am a realist.

 

And i also know the stats on divorce. I could live in a fairytale land, but I am too pragmatic to do so.

 

Does it make us better people to believe that marriage will never end? You said yourself in a former post that you learned that marriage does not necessarily mean foolproof. You believed that and it nipped you in the rear. So that notion does not necessarily help a marriage. You know whta? my thinking could make it stronger becuase you dont take ANYTHING for granted. LIfe is a gift, marriage is a gift, and knowing it could end at anytime makes a person really hang onto it and cherish it, vs taking their spouse for granted feeling "they will always be there".

 

You are contradicting yourself.

[JadedStar]

But failing to grow at the same rate? (JS I do not meet this as an attack, your posts are really very good, just trying to work through it ).

 

Let me explain. Me and my first husband were great examples of this. I grew intellectually and maturity wise, he did not. He was the same person at 35 he was at 20. He seemed to lack the ability to really grow spiritually, mentally or emotionally.

 

Sorry but I did not really feel happy being married to a man at the age of 35 who was stoaic in his beliefs and who was unable to be open minded. It was stagnating to me.

 

He is now 45 and honest to goodness has not experienced much growth or learnings in his life. I have a thirst for knowledge and grew so much and he just didn't. He didn't want to learn ANYTHING new it seemed.

 

It was very stifling.