13 years of marriage... gone

[tylercdurden2004]

Her loving/being in love with him and her caring if something happens to him are two different things. I am sure that she feel horrible about how it all went down. But, again, she cannot control the fact that she is in love with another man. She is trying to do the best she can to make the transition as smooth as possible by making sure he can continue to live and pay the mortgage. She may have been selfish in allowing herself to fall for another, but she is not entirely selfish in that she is not dumping all of her responsibilities to be with this new man, when she very easily could do and would be the easiest thing for her to do.

 

 

WOW. She has SAID. Only said these are only words. Sure she is trying to make the "transition" smooth as possible, for her. She gains by saying this he doesnt gain until she actually backs up her words with actions. To me that is simple to understand.

[PeanutButter]

if you want to find out how serious she is about helping out. March her down to the bank and get that loan. See how serious she is about backing up her words. She can say anything she wants, and I believe that she knows you will buy it. She may very well be nice and kind and will help out with the payments etc.

 

I think you are putting a lot of trust in someone who has proven not to be trustworthy.

 

Exactly. 13 years. You don't know what else shes done, sorry to say, but you don't. Thats true that she could just be saying this to make it easier on her and then after she will just take it back and be like oh no I have to go pay for my own place.

[Olive.Juice]

No one wants to get divorced and at least you two are being mature about it. She's already moved on, eat something man!! You need to stay healthy for these kids!!

 

Being mature is the best for the kids. And, accepting the fact that she has moved on is very hard on ones heart. It is never easy and again, I am sorry you are going through this. But, PB is right, you must stay healthy for the kids.

[Olive.Juice]

WOW. She has SAID. Only said these are only words. Sure she is trying to make the "transition" smooth as possible, for her. She gains by saying this he doesnt gain until she actually backs up her words with actions. To me that is simple to understand.

 

It is not just about her and him though... there ARE children involved, so the children also gain by her staying. NO matter WHAT, she will ALWAYS be their mother.

[PeanutButter]

I have a suggestion. Go out to dinner with your kids, because I know for one thing they will tell you daddy you have to eat. Or maybe order a pizza? Eat dinner with your children. Rent some movies spend some quality time with your children to take your mind off this mess with your wife, soon to be ex wife. And also so your children know your their dad and you love them and your there for them. They can't be ignored here. At least eat something for them, your heart is breaking but you need to eat!!

[Olive.Juice]

Exactly. 13 years. You don't know what else shes done, sorry to say, but you don't. Thats true that she could just be saying this to make it easier on her and then after she will just take it back and be like oh no I have to go pay for my own place.

 

I am sure she hasn't made this a habit, though.

You cannot judge all of her actions based on the fact that she fell in love with another man. People do not have control over who they love. And, one cannot expect someone to live in misery for the duraiton of their life. We only get one life to enjoy.

[tylercdurden2004]

It is not just about her and him though... there ARE children involved, so the children also gain by her staying. NO matter WHAT, she will ALWAYS be their mother.

 

I have not once said she is not their mother, unless you picked up something I didnt. I never said she should not be involved in their lives. What I did say is that he needs to protect himself and his children. She has only said what she will do apparently she also said she would honour him until death do us part. Instead he actions speak to me otherwise. Sure people marry the wrong people a realize after kids are involved. That by no means absolves their responsibility to their marriage and thier children. The best way would have been to finish the marriage first before getting invloved outside. That would have been easier for the children to understand than mommys on a holiday without daddy.

[PeanutButter]

I am sure she hasn't made this a habit, though.

You cannot judge all of her actions based on the fact that she fell in love with another man. People do not have control over who they love. And, one cannot expect someone to live in misery for the duraiton of their life. We only get one life to enjoy.

 

I agree, but it could be this one time, but think she could have been looking online for someone else for a good while. And instead of saying hey I really don't love you anymore this wont work. She found someone first then decided to end her marriage. People don't have control over who they end up falling for, but if you lose love in someone you shouldn't cheat. You have control in to first discuss with them that it isn't working, even if its hard and its a marriage. She found someone else in a sense to make it easier on her to leave her husband and say oh I have someone else now we can't make it work. I kno she didnt chose to fall in love with someone online or even like them whatever the situation may be, but that could be a rebound and she may move onto someone later. She could be using this as a way to escape her marriage and make it easier.

[PeanutButter]

The best way would have been to finish the marriage first before getting invloved outside. That would have been easier for the children to understand than mommys on a holiday without daddy.

 

Exactly. Thats what I'm saying. You don't chose who you fall in love with, but you shouldn't be looking outside a marriage for someone else. You should end the marriage/relationship first THEN look for someone.

[Olive.Juice]

The best way would have been to finish the marriage first before getting invloved outside. That would have been easier for the children to understand than mommys on a holiday without daddy.

Well, the truly best thing would have not been for anything to happen at all and them remain happily married... but, that is not the case.

 

And, there really is nothing wrong with one parent going on holiday with out the other. It happens all the time. My mother would go to visit her sister in canada all the time and leave us home with my dad. My sister and her husband often travel independent of each other. It is only a big deal to the kids if the parents make it a big deal.

[PeanutButter]

Well, the truly best thing would have not been for anything to happen at all and them remain happily married... but, that is not the case.

 

And, there really is nothing wrong with one parent going on holiday with out the other. It happens all the time. My mother would go to visit her sister in canada all the time and leave us home with my dad. My sister and her husband often travel independent of each other. It is only a big deal to the kids if the parents make it a big deal.

 

I think tyler was trying to say is you can't lie to your children and tell them mommys going on a holiday without daddy when in fact shes with another man. No one is saying that the best thing would be for anything to happen at all, its more like you shouldn't look outside your marriage first, you should end it first if you are unhappy then go exploring or what not.

[Olive.Juice]

I might have missed the post about her seeking romance on line. I was assuming it was an accidental thing.

 

I agree that cheating is wrong. But, it is part of life, and happens more often than people care to realize.

[tylercdurden2004]

all the time

 

often

 

Note these two words/phrases. I am doubtful the kids wont pick up on whats going on. Despite what he does.

[Olive.Juice]

.... its more like you shouldn't look outside your marriage first, you should end it first if you are unhappy then go exploring or what not.

 

Was she indeed LOOKING, or was it an accident though?

[PeanutButter]

I really don't think going online and meeting someone is accidental though.

 

Because how would she have met this person?

 

By online dating sites right? You don't accidently meet a guy from the net unless you are looking. Or if theres a way to meet someone accidently, wow I didn't know!!

[PeanutButter]

The way I see it, when he said she met someone online, what I got from that was that you need to purposely be searching for someone on the internet to meet them. Its highly doubtful you will just accidently meet someone on the net, unless you are looking to meet someone. If I'm wrong oh let me know by all means!

[Olive.Juice]

I really don't think going online and meeting someone is accidental though.

 

Because how would she have met this person?

 

By online dating sites right? You don't accidently meet a guy from the net unless you are looking. Or if theres a way to meet someone accidently, wow I didn't know!!

 

 

Well, there are chat forums...like the one where I met the father or my daughter. And, I can honestly say, that I never started chatting with him having the intention that it would become what it is today. So, that is what I mean by accidently. I was not searching for someone at allm I was just on a chatting in a forum about excercise.

[Olive.Juice]

The way I see it, when he said she met someone online, what I got from that was that you need to purposely be searching for someone on the internet to meet them. Its highly doubtful you will just accidently meet someone on the net, unless you are looking to meet someone. If I'm wrong oh let me know by all means!

 

I would say that to actually meet face to face was intentional, however, the initial meeting on-line could have been accidental/unintentional.

 

I have a good friend of mine who met someone the same way I did. They chatted for months before one admitted feelings for the other. And, she had no idea that the other person had these feelings for her.

[tylercdurden2004]

I have a good friend of mine who met someone the same way I did.

 

So would it be fair to say you are validating your own experience here?

[PeanutButter]

Well, there are chat forums...like the one where I met the father or my daughter. And, I can honestly say, that I never started chatting with him having the intention that it would become what it is today. So, that is what I mean by accidently. I was not searching for someone at allm I was just on a chatting in a forum about excercise.

 

Thats true. But she did have the option to say I'm happily married to this person before they started talking if it was accidental. Or she could have said I'm unhappily married and I'm trying to get out but dont know how. Then this is where this guy she met could have been encouraging her to end her marriage. Theres a lot of possibilities!! But in reality internet messes up relationships lol. I seen it happen way to often, man if I get serious with someone forget having the interent! (haa just kidding!!!)

[Olive.Juice]

And, just as someone may harbor feelings of resentment by seeing me as "semi-defending" this woman, I could very well in another post type words that strike a different chord of someones feelings. And, while they may not be here searching for love or someone to meet, I could arouse their interest and their desire to chat with me. And, so it goes.....

[Olive.Juice]

So would it be fair to say you are validating your own experience here?

 

I am strictly speaking of how I met the father of my daughter I was not married or with anyone. But, yes, it was unintentional. I was not on the internet looking for a date.

[JadedStar]

Thats true. But she did have the option to say I'm happily married to this person before they started talking if it was accidental. Or she could have said I'm unhappily married and I'm trying to get out but dont know how. Then this is where this guy she met could have been encouraging her to end her marriage. Theres a lot of possibilities!! But in reality internet messes up relationships lol. I seen it happen way to often, man if I get serious with someone forget having the interent! (haa just kidding!!!)

 

The online meeting and falling of this guy could have been accidental, but one thing I'll bet money on is she was not truly happy frmo the onset.

 

Usually when someone is happily married they are not as vulnerable and dno't fall for someone else as easily.

 

She may not have sought it out but I'll bet she was not all that happy in her marriage before this. Unhappy married people are much more easily swayed and vulnerable to an affair then the happy ones.

 

Still she certainly should have talked this thru with her husband. But this sort of thing happens everyday of the week and the internet seems to have made this even more commonplace.

 

So many temptations on the Net for unhappy people.

 

I think this affair was the symptom of an unhappy marriage.

[tylercdurden2004]

I think this affair was the symptom of an unhappy marriage.

 

And likely an unhappy person.

[Olive.Juice]

The online meeting and falling of this guy could have been accidental, but one thing I'll bet money on is she was not truly happy frmo the onset.

 

Usually when someone is happily married they are not as vulnerable and dno't fall for someone else as easily.

 

She may not have sought it out but I'll bet she was not all that happy in her marriage before this. Unhappy married people are much more easily swayed and vulnerable to an affair then the happy ones.

 

Still she certainly should have talked this thru with her husband. But this sort of thing happens everyday of the week and the internet seems to have made this even more commonplace.

 

So many temptations on the Net for unhappy people.

 

I think this affair was the symptom of an unhappy marriage.

 

I agree, totally.