13 years of marriage... gone

[PeanutButter]

The online meeting and falling of this guy could have been accidental, but one thing I'll bet money on is she was not truly happy frmo the onset.

 

Usually when someone is happily married they are not as vulnerable and dno't fall for someone else as easily.

 

She may not have sought it out but I'll bet she was not all that happy in her marriage before this. Unhappy married people are much more easily swayed and vulnerable to an affair then the happy ones.

 

Still she certainly should have talked this thru with her husband. But this sort of thing happens everyday of the week and the internet seems to have made this even more commonplace.

 

So many temptations on the Net for unhappy people.

 

I think this affair was the symptom of an unhappy marriage.

 

agreeing here as well.

[InDisarray]

I am overwhelmed by the response to this post. I don't know how to reply to a lot of it. Maybe I can provide some more information.

 

I have to put some blame on myself here too. Two years ago I had a crush on a co-worker at work. I never did ANYTHING with this person. She was just a crush that I had. It was really just an infatuation. I was very confused at that time and I thought that if I am really having feelings for someone else do I need to be married. I talked to my wife about this and I did a lot of soul-searching and decided that I did indeed love my wife and I wanted to work it out and get through this. We even went to a counseling session. I made the choice to stay with my wife and be committed. And I worked very hard (so I thought) over the last two years to gain her trust back in us. In hindsight, I wonder if I should have ever told her about it. I was trying to be honest.

 

She says that that destroyed her.. she says this now. I think it has a lot to do with what is going right now.

 

She met this guy on an online game that we both played. I think back to the day that I bought that stupid game and wish I could take it back. I think she was looking for people to connect with on there. Perhaps she wasn't getting what she needed from me, I don't know.

 

Her family is all 800 miles away so she has no family here for support. She does have my family though. My family can be very supportive. I come from a loving family who always tries to do the right thing..

 

I agree that it is over. There is no coming back from this. I do need to eat something. I did have some toast today. I do need to take the kids out and do something. She is coming home tonight and I don't know what is going to happen. I had been sleeping upstairs in the loft on the pullout since she came back from seeing her parents. I think me sleeping up there is going to change. I am going to see if there is somewhere else she can go. She does have friends here.

 

Anyway, I hope that gives some more insight to my situation. I appreciate all of the responses. This has been a very valuable place for me to read. I've lurked here for the past two weeks.

[tylercdurden2004]

Yes you need to take control. She can sleep on the pull out. Her actions should not mean your life has to change to suit her. I will only reiterate what I said from the beginning you need to protect yourself and yoru children and ensure the best is done for them. But do not capitulate because you think it will smooth things over. It wont. I would be seeking legal advice if you havent already.

 

From what you have written and her actions it certainly wasnt a happy marriage probably from the get go and quite frankly you actions to make it up to her after your crush probably did nothing for her respect for you.

[Olive.Juice]

Yes, once a woman knows that she is not everything to her man, it will ruin her and leave her vulnerable to someone who will make her just that.

 

Again, I am sorry for all that you are going through.

[DGenault]

InDisarray -

 

My wife recently played out a similar sudden Sherman's March through our 15 year marriage, leaving me and our three children wandering through the wreckage over this past month.

 

A lot of people will advise you to go immediately into battle. Freeze bank accounts, hire lawyers, obtain court orders. In my brief and still evolving experience, what you really need to do first is get your head together.

 

I've been trying to stay really focused on the kids. Unless you are seriously concerned that she is going to disappear with them and/or empty out your accounts - you do not need to do anything right away.

 

If she wants to leave let her. Have her write up some sort of interim "agreement" for the next couple of months that she thinks is fair regarding the kids, money, living arrangements etc. Review it on your own, make your own adjustments, and when you both agree, sign it and make copies.

 

Don't try to talk her out of it - don't ask her your million questions (What? Why? How?) - let her go. I struggled with this because the ever present "Who the hell are you and how can you possibly be doing this?" was forever burning in my throat. The same house thing was a nightmare and I encourage you to get out of that as quickly as you can, for everyone's sake. It is far easier to keep it cordial when you only need to interact briefly.

 

Your kids only still see her as their mother and you as their father. You need to be able to offer them the comfort, stability and reassurance they expect from you, without regard to your wife's actions.

 

Hand in there buddy. Keep posting. I know what a nightmare you are going through.

[PeanutButter]

Honestly, you did the right thing in telling her. Being together for so long just yooh two, you can get wondering eyes. It was just a crush, but good thing you two went through and talked about it. You didn't pursue it or try to date this girl or meet with this girl you had only a crush on that she should of taken as a positive.

 

What kind of online game? Don't take things back, everything happens for a reason. If not this, something else would have split you two eventually (not trying to be mean, but better sooner than later!) Connect with in what way?

 

Good that your not denying that its over. So thats good to ya and congrats! Well yes, you should see if theres someone she can stay with. Either way, shes not going to be living with you and the kids eventually. Your kids are already picking up on things since two separate sleeping areas.

 

When you two talk to your kids about divorce. Make sure its not separately, and make sure your wife doesn't do it alone either. Because you don't want different things to be said or to confuse them.

 

Well go have fun do something with your kids and eat more than toast!! Put some jelly on that! But yeh eat more!!

[PeanutButter]

This is all very true, there has been some trust issues here. So you may think you know her but she may turn around and be someone else, you said there was not much money. So what if she tries to take what you guys have?.. Wow!!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I am sure she hasn't made this a habit, though.

You cannot judge all of her actions based on the fact that she fell in love with another man. People do not have control over who they love. And, one cannot expect someone to live in misery for the duraiton of their life. We only get one life to enjoy.

 

This relationship started ONLINE which means she was out there looking for someone. If she thought the marriage was getting stale, she should either work through it or get out and ONLY after she is out of the marriage, start looking elsewhere.

[PeanutButter]

This relationship started ONLINE which means she was out there looking for someone. If she thought the marriage was getting stale, she should either work through it or get out and ONLY after she is out of the marriage, start looking elsewhere.

 

completely agree on this. thats what i have been saying!!

[PeanutButter]

I have a question about her getting the loan. Before you trust this you should as someone said take her to the bank, and if she can take a loan can't you? Does she earn more money in her job or something?

[Olive.Juice]

This relationship started ONLINE which means she was out there looking for someone. If she thought the marriage was getting stale, she should either work through it or get out and ONLY after she is out of the marriage, start looking elsewhere.

 

I totally disagree. When I met my daughter's father on line, I WAS NOT LOOKING. Had no idea it would grow into what it was. And, he even said she met him gamming. NOT on a date site. What she SHOULD have done and what she HAS done are two different things. Debating that is pointless as it will never change.

[InDisarray]

I have a question about her getting the loan. Before you trust this you should as someone said take her to the bank, and if she can take a loan can't you? Does she earn more money in her job or something?

 

She has to pay off her current 401k loan before she can get another. It's like 200 to pay off the one she has then she has to wait 30 days and can get another. I already have taken a loan out on mine and don't have one available. She earns slightly more than me at her job.

[PeanutButter]

I totally disagree. When I met my daughter's father on line, I WAS NOT LOOKING. Had no idea it would grow into what it was. And, he even said she met him gamming. NOT on a date site. What she SHOULD have done and what she HAS done are two different things. Debating that is pointless as it will never change.

 

thats tru, but she could of said im married i dont want to speak to you in any other form but friends. she took it to the next step.

[PeanutButter]

She has to pay off her current 401k loan before she can get another. It's like 200 to pay off the one she has then she has to wait 30 days and can get another. I already have taken a loan out on mine and don't have one available. She earns slightly more than me at her job.

 

took a loan out before on what? the intial purchase of the house? So if she hasnt payed off this loan, she may not be able to get another one and she knows that. So she could just be talking. Who makes more does not really matter. I was just asking if that was a reason as to why she would take the loan out.

[Olive.Juice]

thats tru, but she could of said im married i dont want to speak to you in any other form but friends. she took it to the next step.

 

And, speaking as friends, she could have learned about the depth of his character, the nature of his soul and mind, and fallen in love with that, without having said a word about sex or anything of that nature. The same thing that could happen with people who are working togethe..a total platonic relationship that grows in each person without either having control over their emotions. It happens. It happened to me.

[Olive.Juice]

took a loan out before on what? the intial purchase of the house? So if she hasnt payed off this loan, she may not be able to get another one and she knows that. So she could just be talking. Who makes more does not really matter. I was just asking if that was a reason as to why she would take the loan out.

 

Her 401K retirement plan at her job allows her to take loans against it. You are only allowed one at a time.

[InDisarray]

took a loan out before on what? the intial purchase of the house? So if she hasnt payed off this loan, she may not be able to get another one and she knows that. So she could just be talking. Who makes more does not really matter. I was just asking if that was a reason as to why she would take the loan out.

 

A 401k loan is a loan against your retirement investment. Some employers allow you to take at a loan and pay it back through payroll deductions. It goes right back into your investment.

[PeanutButter]

Well i highly doubt shes going to take another loan out in her name. Its just talk and talk to try to move things along in the divorce. Just watch out for yourself and your kids!!

[Olive.Juice]

Well i highly doubt shes going to take another loan out in her name. Its just talk and talk to try to move things along in the divorce. Just watch out for yourself and your kids!!

 

Don't highly doubt it. If it is for her kids, have faith that she will do it. It is not that she hates him, she just is not in love with him.

[PeanutButter]

And, speaking as friends, she could have learned about the depth of his character, the nature of his soul and mind, and fallen in love with that, without having said a word about sex or anything of that nature. The same thing that could happen with people who are working togethe..a total platonic relationship that grows in each person without either having control over their emotions. It happens. It happened to me.

 

Well my bad. But this marriage was on the ifs so she let herself be vulnerable to that. You cant compare yourself with her in this situation though because as you said you met the father of your daughter while you were single. I won't even say more on this subject thought because it is pointless and not helping out in disarray!

[PeanutButter]

Don't highly doubt it. If it is for her kids, have faith that she will do it. It is not that she hates him, she just is not in love with him.

 

Well i know that!! But there is the fact that shes going to need her own place as well, in a perfect world she could afford another loan to help out disarray, while still have enough money for herself. But i think it would be hard to do both. As much as a good person she may be to want to help disarray, and i know she has no hate for him, only fell out of love with him. Then theres the fact of if disarray gets custody (shes does visitations) and his ex would be paying child support? Uhm theres a lot to account for. That probably hasn't been thought out fully.

[Olive.Juice]

Well my bad. But this marriage was on the ifs so she let herself be vulnerable to that. You cant compare yourself with her in this situation though because as you said you met the father of your daughter while you were single. I won't even say more on this subject thought because it is pointless and not helping out in disarray!

 

Fair enough PB!

 

And, I agree, relationships that are not solid leave the door open for others to come in.

[tgt]

I can't believe I am reading this post because I too had a 13 year marriage with kids 9, 7 and 5 with a wife who met someone in an online game we played last year. She went to be with him physically in NYC in February and came back a totally different person - I was stunned. Please read my story as there are nearly identical circumstances our stories!

 

What I learned from my ordeal (its not over yet) is that although I was faithful, a great dad and a superb provider, I was really unhappy in my marriage. My wife was quite driven and I felt I had to ride in the sidecar far too much in my marriage. I still loved her as much as I could but I became passive aggressive in a lot of ways due to resentment of her "wearing the pants" far too much.

 

I didnt boot her out at first but I wish I did immediately! You and your family have been wronged here, and you MUST stand up for yourself if you hope to salvage anything here for either yourself, or for your marriage I waited a month and moved out myself till I realized I needed to TAKE ACTION and needed to kick her out of my house. She moved in with her mother and we have split the kids time in half since then. From then I really focused on me and did a ton of counseling, reading, exercising, and rediscovering who the hell I was because I had to bury so much of myself to get along with her. This had yeilded some great results for me, I am back in shape, happier and realizing how fricking miserable I was with her.

 

I still see her some as we have the kids and CA is a 6 month cooling off state. She notices too and is marveling at my new self. I have her respect again because I stood up for myself and didnt let myself continue to be a doormat while she does as she pleases with the online OM. I am in control again pretty much. Do I still love her? Yes, but I love myself more and will not compromise ever again like I did in my 13 yr marriage. I've matured a lot going through this and feel a TON stronger because of all the pain I have had to endure. Who knows what will happen with her and her online gaming affair partner - I really dont care that much (although I do hope it fizzles sometime!).

 

I would encourage you to not tolerate this. KICK HER OUT of your house, and go into low contact with her as soon as you can (both for you and your marriage's sake). I blocked my wife out of my life except for phone calls and email (no messenger or myspace). She has to call before she comes over (she didnt like that!) and I got rid of the joint bank accounts and credit cards. I see your financial situation isnt as good as mine is (I was the sole breadwinner) but it doesnt matter. Work on separating things out as soon as you can - she wants this anyways and you initating a leadership position speaks volumes for being a man and not a boy.

[Olive.Juice]

Well i know that!! But there is the fact that shes going to need her own place as well, in a perfect world she could afford another loan to help out disarray, while still have enough money for herself. But i think it would be hard to do both. As much as a good person she may be to want to help disarray, and i know she has no hate for him, only fell out of love with him. Then theres the fact of if disarray gets custody (shes does visitations) and his ex would be paying child support? Uhm theres a lot to account for. That probably hasn't been thought out fully.

 

Yes, in times of divorce, often one parent must do without (usually the one paying the child support) but, that has to be a consequence to her decision. She will do it for her kids.

 

Although, I believe that a 401K loan is taken from the payroll pre-tax, so it will be less expensive for her to do that than to go to the bank. I could be wrong here though. It has been almost 10 years sonce I have taken a 401K loan.

[InDisarray]

Thank you so much for your support. I am beginning to wrap my head around this thing. I do need to stand up for myself. I am the one who was wronged in this and it just needs to be over as soon as possible. There is no turning back now. I think it speaks volumes that she would actually meet someone she has only talked to online. I would never do that because you don't really know those people. We used to laugh at people we knew that this happened to and think that could never happen to us.

 

I have to put the kids first and foremost in this and do what's right for them. I can't force her to stay somewhere she doesn't want to be. She's gotta figure out for her self. I think one day she is going to kick herself for this. i will be ok. The kids will be ok. And maybe someday she will figure herself out. It's just not going to be me helping her do that. The guilt is on her this time and she has acknowledged that.