13 years of marriage... gone

[PeanutButter]

Yes, sorry, I should have been more clear. All the online site does for you is prepare the documents. We would still have to file them in court and go through that process.

 

yeh ha i kno he told me that too!! but he said its just better to get all the forms in the court house!!

[InDisarray]

yeh ha i kno he told me that too!! but he said its just better to get all the forms in the court house!!

 

I will look into that tomorrow. It would make more sense that if the forms are free, why pay an online service to fill them out. We do live in a smaller county, so I'm not sure what they will have as far as a packet.

[PeanutButter]

I will look into that tomorrow. It would make more sense that if the forms are free, why pay an online service to fill them out. We do live in a smaller county, so I'm not sure what they will have as far as a packet.

 

tru tru.. i live over here in big as* Los angeles county!!

[lexvirgo]

At least have an atty review your documents before you file them. I am taking a case to trial this week (I'm at attorney) where the people did a do it yourself divorce, and screwed it up horribly. Now, they have spent thousands and thousands of dollars fighting about what a particular provision in the decree means. WOuld never have happened if they just would have had them reviewed up front. It is your future, and your kids' future, it should be worth a few bucks to get professional advice.

[tylercdurden2004]

At least have an atty review your documents before you file them. I am taking a case to trial this week (I'm at attorney) where the people did a do it yourself divorce, and screwed it up horribly. Now, they have spent thousands and thousands of dollars fighting about what a particular provision in the decree means. WOuld never have happened if they just would have had them reviewed up front. It is your future, and your kids' future, it should be worth a few bucks to get professional advice.

 

Shameless pitch for business.

 

I thought you said in your first post dont go to an attorney especially unscrupulous ones. And now you say go to one? You are definitely an attorney with all that flip flopping.

[Auntie Em]

The forms to file for a divorce are available in the self-service library of many courts or on-line. They come with instructions on how to complete them. They also come with a schedule of hearings that you need to arrange and the order that this should be done. I helped a friend file hers and it was fairly straight forward. However she didn't have children and there were no assets.

 

I can see it getting complicated with custody, visitation and child support issues. While negotiating these items always rests with the couple, guidance from a qualified party can reduce the number of things that can get over looked.

 

In my area there are divorce mediators that cost a fraction of what attorney's services cost. The down side is if you hit a stale mate...the negotiator is not qualified to take the case to trial...so you have to start anew with an attorney.

[lexvirgo]

Don't quit know where that came from, tyler, but here is what I said:

 

While I am the first to say get some legal advice, it is also important to not get led astray by some attorney who cares more about making a big fee than honoring the client's wishes. I talked to legal counsel, and some seemed to be willing to honor my desire to keep this calm. Others said outlandish things about what I was entitled to, whether my spouse was hiding assets, etc.

[PeanutButter]

At least have an atty review your documents before you file them. I am taking a case to trial this week (I'm at attorney) where the people did a do it yourself divorce, and screwed it up horribly. Now, they have spent thousands and thousands of dollars fighting about what a particular provision in the decree means. WOuld never have happened if they just would have had them reviewed up front. It is your future, and your kids' future, it should be worth a few bucks to get professional advice.

 

I agree on that you should have an attorney review the paperwork. Even though you may not have so much, try to see if you can spare some or even borrow from the parents? I know a lot of people don't like to borrow money!! I'm one of them! But look if you want to move it along fast thats why I said it. And because its worth to spend some money, this is for your kids sake for everything to go as easily as possible. You want it done right, then do it right the first time so there wont be so many unquestionable things. You two haven't gotten divorced before, you two have no idea how to file divorce papers or exactly what should be written down etc.

[scornandtorn]

I have been in your situation and my advice is this, although we didn't have children we were married 9 years. Our marriage was great, so I thought, but she began to emotionally disconnect from me and over time it led to divorce. She was having an affair with my good friend. We initially agreed to do it pro brono.

 

I had to put the puzzle together on my own without the truth, the most agonizing pain in the world. I went trough it all just trying to keep the divorce civil and inexpensive. I told her to take everything just let me out. Simple right? Wrong! She had to justify her affair to herself, her family, her friends and coworkers. So I became the enemy no matter what I said or agreed to was right. Her affair was "my fault".

 

You see where I am going with this? I told her to take everything but she chose an expensive attorney war anyway. To this day, divorce 21 months final, she still files contempt charges on me for anything at all. It has financially ruined me and I almost lost the home in forclosure.

 

I got tired of her rewriting our marrital history, and her trying to blame everything on me I went total no contact, which again made her mad so I get to spend more money in court.

 

My advice is this, get her out of your home and your life. Don't let her set you up. You will get to have a life with your kids. Statistically, affair born relationships have a 97% chance of failure within three years because it is built on lies and fairytales. Be a good father to your kids, find someone honest and wait for karma to take affect.

 

That's what I am waiting for.

[InDisarray]

I now know for a fact that she did indeed sleep with him. I am so furious right now. She told me that she hadn't and like a fool I believed her. I don't know if I should confront her with this. I really think I should. I don't know how much longer I can be in the same house with her. I have lost all respect for her. Never in a million years did I think she would do this!

[tylercdurden2004]

I now know for a fact that she did indeed sleep with him. I am so furious right now. She told me that she hadn't and like a fool I believed her. I don't know if I should confront her with this. I really think I should. I don't know how much longer I can be in the same house with her. I have lost all respect for her. Never in a million years did I think she would do this!

 

Sorry to hear that. If you dont mind me asking how did you find out she slept with him?

[Olive.Juice]

I now know for a fact that she did indeed sleep with him. I am so furious right now. She told me that she hadn't and like a fool I believed her. I don't know if I should confront her with this. I really think I should. I don't know how much longer I can be in the same house with her. I have lost all respect for her. Never in a million years did I think she would do this!

 

I don't think there really is any reason to confront her. What is the physical act when she is already emotionally gone?

 

I am sure she lied about it because her sleeping with him was not to hurt or spite you. She is not trying to throw it in your face. She slept with him becasue she has feelings for him.

 

That being said, I totally understand your resentment and anger, and your desire to get her out of the house. The sooner she is out, the better off you will be.

 

I am sorry you are going through this.

I hope it gets better for you soon.

 

~Olive

[InDisarray]

I thought I would post an update. First of all, I would like to thank you all for the responses. They were truly helpful as I went through a time that was extremely difficult.

 

My wife moved out of the house about a month ago. She filed for divorce in early September. Our final divorce hearing will be in December. We did do the online divorce preparation and I had it looked at by my lawyer and everything was in order.

 

We are doing joint custody with her the primary. I am really doing ok and am coming to grips with the reality. The kids are adjusting well and I see them a lot. I may actually be spending more time with them now. I have started eating again and I can sleep again.

 

I read a good book on divorce called "Crazy Time" by Abigail Trafford that helped me tremendously. When this is all said and done I think it's going to be for the best. It's just hard to get through those initial months.

 

The jealousy issues have started to wane a bit. I think it's just that feeling of rejection that is hard to take. I think I knew it was over but I still hated that feeling of rejection.

 

Anyway, I am good and i appreciate all of the responses. Just to those out there that are in the early stages: It does get better, there is light at the end of the tunnel and all of those cliches.

[tgt]

Glad to hear you are doing better now InDisarray. There is no healer like time when this terrible thing happens to a person. I too realized it was for the best and moved on quickly - not regretting it at all and things are soo much better than those first couple painful months.

 

Just remember you are still your childrens father and can be an even better parent to them after this because you can be yourself and be happier/respected again as an individual. When you become whole again as an individual - you will find you have much more to offer them than you could while married.