drifter

I am debating on being friends with the ex-wife. She left just over two months ago. She lost her belief in me to hold a job and create a stable environment. She had reason to but she never let me know until it was to late. We have had very little contact since then. The whole deal was very amicable. I told her she didn't deserve to be my friend since she gave up so easy on the marriage. She wants to be friends to see if I have changed. I don't feel I should have to prove myself. We are married and as a married couple I feel you should work out your problems not move out. I have done amazing changes in the past 2-3 months. I have delt with issues that would not let me hold a job and many other things as well. I did these things for myself. Last time I saw her she didn't totaly believe all the changes were true. Should I be friends with her and show her over time that the changes are real or should I maintain NC and hold out. I don't want pride to get in my way of my wife but I don't want to sell myself short either.

I feel pride gets in the way of many relationships and contributes to its failure. Pride is setting yourself aside and letting the other person have there say or way. It is very hard to let go. Some people never will and some people don't feel they ever should. Just different not wrong. But pride does make reconciliation much harder. There is also a difference between pride and comprimising yourself. FOr example bad pride- I am not going to call her until she calls me. She left me why should I call her? Good pride-I am a worthy person. If she doesn't want me for who I am then so be it. I am worth having. I will not change the things I like about myself to fit her in my life. I let go of pride recently when I broke the NC rule after 1 /12 months and called her. This is after I told her I was never going to see her or talk to her again. I ment it when I said it. But I let go of my pride and ego. In my situation it has gotten desired results (a lunch date next week to talk about things. Good post Cabernet.

I am going through what everyone else here is going through as well. I would like to post some words of wisdom I have discovered through all of this. 1) No two situations are alike. The players and situations will always be different. So advice or general rules don't apply to every situation. Not to say advice here isn't worth using. I have used it. I just used what I thought was appropriate to my situation. There is some good avice here. Ultimatley only you know what is best for you and have to decide what is good for you. 2) The no contact rule has some good merits. I like the idea of focusing on yourslef and helping yourself. This is important from day one and no matter if you are in contact or not. In fact why wait till something like this happens to improve yourself. This should be something ongoing for the rest of our lives regardless of the situation. 3) My therapist said something to me after I mentioned the No-contact rule. She said that if you think calling will help "you" then do it. In other words think of yourself and not the relationship. I have applied this and it has worked well for me. I went through a month and a half period of NC but then called. We are meeting next week to talk. Sometimes we need to know things positive or negative in order to move on. It helps bring closure or help the the relationship. Why would I let pride get in the way of a relationship. It isn't about winning it is about bridging the gap between that created the problem. 4) The idea of not contacting someone until after you have gotten over them and dated other people sounds absurd to me. It isn't about seeing other people. At least not to me. I do believe that not talking to someone until you are not a babbling diot is great advice but why would anyone want to get over someone in order to get back with them? Also if they are calling and you are ignoring there calls how does that help? The call isn't the important part it is what is said when you do speak with them is the important part. 5) Going through a divorce (possibly my situation) or a tough breakup is the hardest thing I have ever been through. Find people who support you (family and friends) and lean on them. You would do the same for them. 6) You can't control or make someone feel something. Your emotions are yours and your exs have there own. No matter what you do you can't make someone feel something they don't feel. If they changed there mind to leave you the can always change there mind back. Dosn't always work but you can't really do anything about it. Hence help yourself. Worst case scenario is you become a better person and you two don't work out. As I said this is what I have learned so far (it is not over yet). My advice might not help everone but any or all of it is there for the taking.

It is rough. two months and I still cry every day. I thought guys werent supposed to cry? I reacted to all of this by going 100 miles an hour. I now do yoga and aikido once a week. I also joined a coed social football leauge. With summer hear you could join a social softball league. Sicnce you live in a house you could try a garden of some sort. My therapist recommends that I should try things with more social interaction. I agree but I am not sure if I am quite ready to be party boy again. Not sure if I want to be. I have leaned heavily on family and friends. They all have been geat and supper supportive. But even though she infest most of my thoughts there is only so long your friends and family will want tho hear about it. I am now at the stage where I need to keep more of it in. Just as a side note since I was married (still am technicaly) everyone says be glad I didn't have kids. It annoys me everytime I hear it. I keep reading about breakups here and everone says be glad you weren't married. Ahhhhhh. Well time for more No Contact. BTW does everyone else come up with reasons why they should contact the other. I mean justify breaking it. What about after they text message you to see what is up? Sorry for the rambling I am just confused and hurting like everone else here.

I guess this is a way for all of us to reflect on the positive things we have done for ourselves since being dumped (in my case). In the two months since my wife left me I have dropped 3 pant sizes entered a masters program, gotten a new job, have been running 5-6 days a week and am going to do a marathon later this year (never have before), have been seeing a therapist once a week for the whole two months to resolve issues within myself and have come very far in self discovery and recovery. I have also mended fences with family members and gotten reaquainted with lost friends. I feel like I am doing everything right for myself and it is starting to pay off. While I still am having great difficulty getting over her I am having more and more moments of happiness. At first all these things I was doing didn't make me feel any better but I knew it would be better for me in the long run. BTW I have not spoken to her in over a month. A few brief text messages but nothing more. I doubt she will ever come back but I know I have become a better person since. Now if I could just get over her. So what kind of things have you done for yourself to improve and make yourself happier? I would really like to hear. Maybe give each other and some new people ideas to help.

How many people have had an experience of not wanting someone back after they dumped you (and there was nothing more you wanted then to have them back) and then changed there mind (after you had time for personnal growth)? I would like to exclude those people that entered into a new realtionship after. Just curious.

The rule usually applies to the one being dumped. It is for self growth and to make dumping party perhaps regret decision.

She is 11 years younger. I was her second real boyfriend. We met when she was 19. She is really confused about what she wants out of life. Our problem was my temper and her inability to voice her own opinion. My temper was not violent or directed towards her but came out in may other ways. I lost 2 jobs because of it. I am getting therapy for it and I am doing many things to become who I once was, A happy person. We went to one therapy session and she was asked questions like are you happy with him - no. Do you feel you could ever be happy with him - no. Do you feel he could ever provide a stable environment for you - no. She more or less had made up her mind b4 going so the session was a reafirmation of what she already thought. I was only aware of the severity of the problem for about a week. Then a week later she claims its time for her to move out. I don't think there is anyone else (no one does). We did talk about telling each other if we start seeing someone else. She was shocked when I told her that if that happened there would be no chance of reconciliation. I then backpeddled some. I don't agree with her or me dating around. We are married and that is the consequence of her choice. But it is still her choice. If she does see anyone else I don't think I can look at her the same way again. I don't like thinking that way but that is how I feel. I am just full of doubt and hope and everything else that goes along with it. I am just curious how to play my cards when I do talk to her. We do have a few loose end to tie up so we need to talk. I will not initiate (nor have I) contact.

I think my ex wife and I are going to talk soon. She left a note last week before she moved out saying she was going to. Since she has moved out (to an apt 1 mile away) and I have not seen or talked to her in a week. Just a few notes about moving out particulars. The whole thing was initiated by her. I did not want this. I wanted to work through our problems. I am willing to do whatever it takes (cousuling, her moving out ,space ect). She insist that it is all over. She doesn't feel she can like me again that way. She is not sure if she was ever happy in our relationship. We dated for 5 years and have been married for a year. She did not tell me about severity of problem until it was to late. She admits this. This is also her problem as well. She never shows anger or gets mad. She avoids confrontation like the plauge. My question is when we see each other how do I leave the lines of communication open. Do I say "I wont call you but you can call me?" or "call me sometime" or "I need time to sort my feelings out so I won't be calling but you can call me?" or leave it open ended about calling each other. I am afraid since she is so non-confrontatinal she may not ever call me. I did tell her before it was all over that when I usually never talk to ex's again. Ever. I have recanted on this since but I think that is still on her mind. She may not want to call me because she may think I may get mad or mean. Any input on this situation would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

She does have reasons to feel the way she does. I just feel the reasons do not warrent ending us. The problems involve me AND her. She sees most of the problem as me and does not share burden of blame for the problem. Why would someone deciede to end it so quickley without trying. She even admits that she didn't realize the problem until it was to late for our relationship. She says she lost respect for me and does not like me anymore. I feel she is just reacting to a realization and has not given the problem time to cool down. I am getting help and doing everthing I can for my side of the problem. I also feel that I can't give up on us because that would be betraying our marriage. I know she is the one who made the choice to move out but I still feel I should not give up on us because this is a "worse" time in our marriage. Any help would be appreciated. I have applied the no contact rule. I am doing many new things to improve myself.

Quick story. Wife dumped me after 6 years together (married 1). It happened quick. She just moved out 3 days ago. I have not seen or talked to her in a week. We have plans to meet next week. We have a few loose ends to wrap up. She has a new place and everything is moved out. Everything. My question is do seperations from marriage ever work out to get back together? I would love to here some success stories. Like most on these forums I am very down. BTW our split was very amicable. No fighting.