GeeCee

Hi you - your post was heartfelt and your pain tangible. Obviously the weekends are very tough - but you are a much stronger person than me. You are doing really well. With regard to that spark. Of course that is what drives us all. But, no doubt you will not see any hint of that spark with anyone else at the moment because your heart is with someone else. I think that the 'what will be will be brigade' are wrong. Even nature needs a nudge in the right direction sometimes, and relationships are the same. We give and take, we are pessimistic and optimistic, it comes and goes. But every now and then we have to nudge things along in the right direction, help our partners to 'see the light'. I feel for you, because once it would have not caused you a second thought to pick up the phone and call, or send a text. And now you have to agonise about what to say and how to say it. I still, personally, think that keeping the lines of communication open is a good thing. I hope that you find some relief over the weekend Spatz. We are all thinking about you and wishing you well. G xx

Gotta say, Spatz, I would go with being decisive. Send her a text. You are both playing this dangerous game - it seems to be working somewhat with Determined (Security Tennis), but you can also get into a comfort zone with you tennis, and just volley texts back and forth every couple of weeks. That's no good. Your life is put on hold, waiting for that next text. I know - I have been there. What do you have to lose? Not her, because at the moment, you don't have her. With me and my ex when he told me - I was completely blown away - couldn't believe it. I knew, simply knew that it was not over. And so, I have kept that faith ever since. I don't know where this new journey will take us, but I know that it is not over yet. I would take the plunge and send the text. Good luck.

Just to update you all - things are moving in quite a nice direction. We spoke on the phone last night, I think I mentioned that in my initial post. Friendly etc. He asked me what I was doing over the weekend - drinks Friday night and party Saturday night. I didn't ask him. While out I got a text from him - he was obviously drunk - rather naugthy. Did not reply. So, feel that I have now exposed myself, told him that I want to see him etc. And now I shall withdraw and go with the no-contact rule. At least, I shall not initiate it. When he does contact me, I shall be flirty, friendly etc. Spatzcolumbo - as you can see, I don't wholeheartedly agree with the no contact rule. I think that it has it's place, for example I am going to enforce it now myself. But I think that sometimes things need a gentle nudge in the right direction. I kept my messages friendly and light. For example, on a Friday I would say something like Wahay!! It's the weekend - we're off for a drink or five!!! Enjoy yours. I would always recommend keeping lines of communication open. And as I said for the first two weeks, I did that and initiated all the texts, about every two days. And, I have to say, he did always respond. But then, I broke the contact for a week (this coincided with him going on holiday for a week), and then whadayaknow, he starts the contact. In life, Spatzcolumbo, I tend to regret the things that I don't do much more than the things that I do, and if I want something and it is precious and others want it, I am more than willing to fight for it. But that is in my nature. You have to go with what is good for you. Good luck and keep us posted. I shall do the same. Gxxx

Ok, ok, ok, I admit that I was very sceptical of the No Contact Rule to begin with, being, by nature a very impatient person. I broke all the rules after my ex told me that he didn't want to see me again, and contacted him initially for the first two weeks. He responded. I then went with the no-contact rule for one week, and received an SMS initiated by him (the first for a month). I broke the rules again, by replying within 10 hours. And then continued to break them all by initiating a text once a day, for the next three days, and one call - which he accepted and was good. I even told him that I missed him in a message!! On the fourth day, after a flurry of friendly messages, I sent him a message, simply saying I want to see you. Me too, came the reply, although I don't know where it will lead! So, having displayed my extremely impatient side, I now need to calm down, take a breath and prepare for the meet, which will be some time next week. Ok, I know all the common sense stuff - obviously no sex, but a hint of how good it could be, no in-depth analysis of the relationship, aloof and confident (I am good at that), treat it as a first date etc. Any other hints? Especially from Beec and Majord, who are always full of pearls of wisdom!!! I am determined to post a success story - just like the rest of you!!! G xxx

Sorry Beec - I was joking - hoping you enjoy your 'package' tonight!!

Why so shy about your age Beec??? You surely didn't strike me as a shy guy. Perhaps I have got you all wrong? Spill the beans .... what did you get for your birthday? Back to Determined (and I hope that you did not mind me gatecrashing this boys-only club). The no-contact rule is positively shite - but you have been through it before, and this time you will do it again. Remember the elation you felt when she whacked that ball back to you and you aced her. You are doing phenomenally well. This promotion you just got should give you less time to consider sending her a text anyways. Keep it up - but take care on the incestuous gossip - don't alienate her too much. Allow her the comfort of leaving the door just adjar. Speak soon. G xx

Determined Totally agree with Beec (I am sure you will notice that there is one hell of a mutual admiration society developing here!!!). And as for Majord - you are definitely not shelf material!! Back to you D - subtle hints about how good life is going are fine - in fact it's all good. You must be seen to be getting on with your life without her -you are doing better than surviving - hell you're flying off to Malaysia soon. However, you don't want to alienate her - she needs to feel that she can still add value to her life - and leaping too far ahead without her, would I think be pretty detrimental to your situation. Equally agree that you don't want to get into one of those ridiculous two-week tournaments - doesn't serve anyone well. Good idea to have shared your success with her - shows that you still care. Now wait for her to return to you of her own initiative - don't want to appear too needy. I shall count the days with you Determined. I know it hurts. I still think that the ball is in your court - and she wants to play with you, rather than against you. Keep on vollying - I think that you are due a pretty long round soon - one of the French Open types!!!! G xx P.S. How wise we are when it is not our own lives we are fcng up!!!

So ... rich_1517 - you know that you love her, you know that you messed up, you know that she is not emotionally open. What are you waiting for? Someone to tell you that you wasted a golden opportunity in five years time. Call her, go to dinner, and talk the talk of your life. Good luck!!

Determined, Beec, Majord, Vfunkera and Spatzcolumbo - I take my hat off to you all and raise a glass of champagne in your honour. The advice and words of encouragement floating through the ether from you guys is truly fabulous and heartwarming. Determined - I hope you get your woman - she surely doesn't have any idea. Beec - I would love to be seduced by you - all the way baby!! Majord - you sound like a prize among men. And the rest of you - keep on doing a fantastic reward. You will be rewarded!!! G xx

Only you know your situation - I would want to fight to be heard - as you said not in a pleading manner. I completely agree with the adice posted above. Be a fool for five minutes and break your silence, or remain quiet and a fool for life! It's your choice. Good luck in your quest.

Hi Rivergirl I have read some of the replies with interest. Going along with the adage that we should treat others how we wish to be treated, I can't quite rationalise some of the advice you are being given. You see, if someone texts/phones me, out of common courtesy I would do the same and either take the call or respond to the text. Whatever the situation. You might notice from this site, that I have only recently been dumped by my ex and I am struggling with this issue myself at the moment. However, I ended a relationship last year and so can see both sides of the coin. I called my ex last year, to see how he was doing and took his calls, even though I did not want a relatinoship. He wanted to try at friendship, but I suggested that he needed time before he made this decision. But I always took his calls. I have approached my current ex (he dumped me remember) and have answered his texts. Although I would not continue to do this if it was all a one-way street. Only you know the pattern of your relationship in terms of who did th erunning, so only you can answer this question. I would suggest you do what is healthy for you, but keep your dignity. If I really wanted something, I would fight for it - and ignoring messages and calls would not be a good fight in my book. Hope this helps. GeeCee

Thanks for your advice, Athena and Princess - someones paying £50 an hour for this stuff - I thank you from the bottom of my heart!! You have both made some pertinent points. When we went to the hotel room, I stayed with M for a coupe of hours, and he kept saying how bad he felt for me and I kept saying the same. Eventually, he wanted to sleep, and we talked and decided that I would go down to the hotel bar and have a drink. I did this and was gone for about 1.5 horus. When I returned I was sober and he was asleep. I spent the time in teh bar with a guy we had befriended the night before (gay) counselling him about his love-life. We are both independent, M and me, and so the next morning, when he asked me how long I had been in the bar, I lied and made it sound like I had been there for three hours, rather than the hour and a half. I did not want him to think that my entertainment was dependent on him. Idiotic!!! Mistake number 3 (or is it 333) was comopletely out of my hands. The waiter in the hotel (unfortunately a gorgeous young Brazilian) had been in the bar the previous night, although we only exchanged greetings, but he greeted me in the morning with Hi gorgeous and M then asked 'was he in the bar'. Reply, yes, but only briefly. Of course I have to apologise, and of course it might do nothing. But please, a gorgeous relationship, developing wonderfully. How fragile are men and how easy is it to close yourself off to the possibility of love? Go ahead and shout, argue, sulk. But this guy will barely give me the time of day at the moment. After he dumped me, I did not initiate contact, and then four days later he texted are you ok. I ignored this and he did so again the next day and I responded a couple of hours later. Then, every few days I would text him, keeping it light and he always responded. A week later I called him and suggested that we go for a drink. We arranged this, but unfortunately it had to be cancelled due to him being away with work (he is often away0. This week, there has been no contact from either side as he is away with his children on holiday. I know I have to apologise, but I need to do that in person. So, somehow or other, I have to devise a plan to meet him, while making him think it is his idea!!! I refuse to be broken by this - it is way tooooo important. G xx

So ... I am 38 years old, divorced and really should know better!!! But here's my story. I am an attractive, intelligent woman who has been divorced for four years - divorce initiated by me, but very difficult and traumatic. I have dated casually in the last year, but would not allow myself the opportunity to be open and thereforeeee to love. However, this all stopped when I met Martin - from the very first date I knew that this was different. But, I pretended that it was all casual and light. He was in an eerily similar situation, same length of time divorced and like me, although liked the idea of being in a relationship, would not allow himself to do it for fear of being hurt. So we spent the next eight weeks quite blissfully, and then he invited me away for the weekend and talked of me meeting his friends (a very big step for him, I know), and we had a wonderful weekend, gorgeous. There was one mistake on my part, on the Saturday he was ill and we could not go out in the evening, and so we stayed in the hotel - him in bed. At about 12.00 pm, I decided to go down to the hotel bar and have a drink and sat chatting to some people we had met the night before. In retrospect, this was not a good thing to do - but I felt that with him being ill, it would be best to leave him to sleep and not disturb him - I sleep very little - and did not want him pissed off with me. Next day all seemed fine. Following day we went back home and suddenly phone calls ceased. Three days later, managed to speak to him - very casual and that night I texted to find out what his problem was - everythings ok he says, just very busy, and pondering us. At this stage, I am distraught. We still do not speak and two days later i text him to call me and he does that night and simply says I don't think that this relatinship is going anywhere - I think you are lovely, sexy, intelligent, fancy the pants of you but.... I insist that we meet and talk - ok he says - next week - no, I insist now. Eventually he agrees and we meet only for him to say more of the same. We leave, agreeing to be friends. Contact has been minimal since, casual texts. I have resisted any contact from him this week and there has been none from him. I know that he was very interested in me, and I know that somewhere along the line I have blown it, but can't help feeling that it is salvageable. Any ideas guys?