Coily

19 minutes ago, Pumpkins said:

He is aware that it is important for me. He says he’s working on trying to find a job but that the types of jobs in our town would make him more depressed than he currently is. 

Has he looked into consulting or work with travel?

24 minutes ago, Pumpkins said:

Thank you for your response. It helped me think about a lot of things. I wanted to respond to a couple you said. 
2. We do make love like once a week but it’s frustrating to me that he wants more and more. We do go on romantic dates at least weekly (even despite me sometimes working 80 hour weeks). He always wants to go out and I try my best to show him but it’s always going to be less than what he wants because he’s waiting all day for me to return home - at times I work 10 days in a row for 12 hour shifts. And it’s hard to find time during those long stretches. 
3. I don’t want him to pay for half of everything necessarily and I know he may never make as much as a physician, but right now I have a lot of debt (hundreds of thousands) and I cannot keep up this support unless we move to an apartment next year or he starts contributing. I have to start paying back loans. even just $500 a month which is not a lot would help substantially. I just also want him to have something to do so that he isn’t sitting at home waiting for me to come home every day. I want him to socialize and have friends and have his own life outside of me. Because he doesn’t, I am his everything and I have to be extra attentive because he hasn’t spoken to anyone all day 

4. it really is kinda middle of no where. There are some places to go, coffee shops some bars some restaurants but not a lot and we have been to them all. He is used to going to new places. There are no new places because we’ve done it all. But I am at work all day so going to the same places on the weekends doesn’t bother me quite as much. Although it would be nice if the town was bigger.  

A friend's wife is kind of like your BF, she stays home all day, has no friends, plays homemaker, and nothing else. He is pained to see his wife with nothing outside of their home, but it's a fight that he can't win as she's planted firmly at home. Is she a woman-child? No, but she needs to be active beyond the home.

I will say I think you are looking at this critically, and not jumping down the he's a gaslighting man-child trash conclusions. I have to wonder if he feels appreciated for his masculine attributes the way he needs? I doubt he would ever explicitly say that he wants valued that way, unless prompted. Has he done anything to help himself in this regard?

Just for the sake of conversation, does he know, genuinely know how much him helping financially would help you? Not in a guilt trip way, but something where he feels motivated to help you because it helps him feel like a provider in the relationship? That can be a vitally important thing for him.

He could just be a bum, or he could be in need of being needed.  That's for you to determine, not a bunch of naysayers on the internet.

Jumping back to the politics thing, I do find it good when the angry people do post that about themselves. I went on one date a while back and she was a straight up revolutionary, years later got arrest in a protest; if she put that on her profile I wouldn't have had to endure 30 minutes of creepy propaganda.

I do find dating apps interesting in that it distills everyone into their most useless. There is little depth, and sometimes it's hard to distinguish genuine people from scams and bots. Haha They are also a reflection on how isolated people have become.

As always best of luck.

1. He sounds like the stereotypical shrewish wife, you know "I could have been a model, but I gave it all up for you." Which is what he is doing by complaining about not having the perfect career, if you two had kids (which I advise against right now) it would be one thing if he was doing what he's doing. However the fact that he is poo-pooing blue collar work (some of which can and does make mad money, especially in the "middle of nowhere"). I won't slam him too hard, if he is doing all of the domestic stuff and not running up massive debt. In that regard he's a kept man, and if you both agree there is nothing wrong with that.
2. I will agree with him in that just buying stuff (dinners, going places) isn't passion. It's going through the motions, and while you have a lot on your plate, I don't think it's unfair for him to want a spark or two. Now it doesn't need to be every day you make passionate love to each other, but maybe something low key that is out of the ordinary. Like a nice romantic picnic?
3. You are resentful towards him, because you think that he as a man "Must" be doing something productive and contribute fiscally to the household. As you have the higher earning potential, even if he got out and worked, would this still be a point of friction between the two of you, or any man?
4. When you say the middle of nowhere, are we talking middle of kansas with one blinking light for hundred of miles, or just where people don't poop in the streets? In other words is there really nothing there, or have the two of you not been able to appreciate the local culture and learned how to assimilate?

14 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

As a female, I don't mind the "Hi" messages.  It's someone showing interest.  

I'll write back something a bit more substantial, like "Hi!  I love independent films too.  Have you been to XYZ theater?".  That gives them the go-ahead to write back more substantially.

I really like this attitude!

I feel for you, as I'm going through a lot of this myself. Granted I'm a man and have 8 years on you, but it's rough. You look around and see everyone you know starting families, and it hurts. It feel as if you're defective.

Then you get kind of insulting advice about relative youth, or get on meds, or other things that don't address the crux of what you are going through. It is all very well meaning advice, and shouldn't be taken as affront; but there is a missing bit of compassion.

I force myself to go out to public places where people are, not just single people. I try to chat people up, be friendly, and make no bones about the fact I'm single. I go to church, and again make it clear that I'm looking. Same with meet-up groups, hobbies, random public classes, and the like. I don't make it "oh were oh were are the good women;" it's more, "Hey where do single people go these days?"

With friends I do the same, and the one's who tell me "just wait" or "you'll find someone someday" I never bring it up again. They don't care. It's not they should be responsible, but they could at least make suggestions.

Now I'll admit, I'm angry about being single now. Not that I'm owed anything, I just am tired of being dismissed for being single.

As a guy I have gone from really long in-depth introductory messages to, Just "Hi." It's not that I'm dis-interested, I'm just not wasting my time crafting a well thought out message with a failure rate of 95%.

If I get a response at all, then I launch into details and conversation, but until I get any effort back I won't bother. It's dumb, but we guys have to send what seems like 30 messages to get a single reply, let alone a conversation. This is one of the big problems with online, there is no parity in effort between the sexes.

I would also caution about exchanging numbers too quickly, a lot of guys are weary of scammers or eThots trying to get some quick cash out of us. Converse for a while, and let him lead with the number exchange.

Put a fork in it, this relationship is done.

Also his CREEPY Ex got exactly what she wanted,  to hurt him and you. His hands aren't clean per se; but this ex of his will dog his footsteps no matter who he dates. You just happened to be the first one she got to.

Given that she hacked his account, she could have done all sorts of things that he wasn't aware of as evidence to you. But the trust is gone, so let him go and block this ex of his. Given the lengths she's gone to so far, I wouldn't be shocked if she stalks him or the women he dates.

Dip your toes in more often. Bring some Blue Crabs.

This is heartbreaking to read.

You have lived a hard life, and I genuinely have no experiences close enough to help guide you. From your writing it sounds like you are still trying to do the right thing and that's amazing!  I do have a couple of suggestions, hopefully one of them will help.

Joining an online community, one where you can do voice chats, or play games, or just socialize in general with like minded people. Discord and Gilded are two of the more popular ones, there are probably many many others. This will at least get you into a place where you can talk to people, and not have to deal with them judging your appearance, which hopefully will help you hone your social skills and help with some of the loneliness.

Consider joining a church, one with activities and outreach groups. Not saying you have to be super religious, but typically Churches (good ones) will try to support members of their congregation.

Maybe you can look into making Youtube content, talking about your passions, interests, and hobbies?

I wish I had better answers for you, I really do. I would also encourage you to use ENA as an outlet too.

I think anger isn't quite the right way to express it. Contempt for me works better.

In the case of one ex of mine, while we had a lot of good positive times, I remind myself of the reasons why we ended things.  Do I hate her? No, that is just more of my time and energy that I am not willing to give her. I usually just say "Wow, I was expected to put up with that? Ha Nope, never again."

Hmm, this isn't Hockey, I have no idea what's going on here....

Block her, and if she tries some other method give her 🤣 and block there too.

Well then let draw and quarter him

On 2/10/2024 at 2:29 PM, Batya33 said:

Right so that's your standard -she was probably soaking wet and couldn't see and worried. And she knew he had an umbrella and didn't bother to share it with her. He didn't care.  He said so. That's an awful feeling.

So she is entitled to act like an insolent child? I think he did care, but only after the fact, he's not a villain, or jerk, or d-bag; he acted on instinct; like most people do. He realizes that, however a simple mistake like this shouldn't grant carte blanche to dissolve a relationship.

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

She couldn't see and was at an unfamiliar location - that combination can feel really awful. 

Not an excuse to yell at someone, nor for statements of distrust. If he dropped her in some seedy neighborhood where sex traffickers were known to wait on every street corner for easy prey, maybe.

You don't have to father a grown woman.

While not the best action on your part, she's acting a bit too entitled. While you weren't exactly considerate in the moment, the fact she thought it was okay to yell at you is concerning. Or that she is allowing this moment to say she has lost trust in you is childish.

Apologize for not being more helpful, but she owes you an apology for carrying on like a spoiled brat.

Just now, GreenEyesss said:

No they went together. It's just that he started walking first and she went with him.

No. I'm referring to her going to the office after him not responding to her.

2 minutes ago, GreenEyesss said:

No he's not bound by anything  she also finished her thesis and submitted so it wasn't like she still needed help

Could that be why he wasn't returning her texts? It sounds like she's putting off some stalker-ish vibes here.

It's been 15 minutes or so...
He could feel guilty and they did something; he could feel uncomfortable because she made a pass at him and he turned her down, and fears she could make false accusations; it could be strictly work on a touchy subject on ethics. She could be a stage 5 clinger and expect him to give her and her project undivided attention?

Something to take into consideration is  he under a confidentiality agreement to not discuss a doctoral student? Is he bound by ethics or under penalty of being fired if he discusses student issues with non-relevant staff?

The big question I have for you, "Has he ever given you suspicion of cheating at other times? Or are you jealous/suspicious in this one particular case?" I don't want to down play your unease about this, but reflect and see if there is anything beyond these incidents listed here that would make you suspicious.

I know there will be a ton who just pile on the "he must be up to something" train, and feed these negative thoughts. I don't think that's fair to you or him. I would suggest you have a calm serious discussion with him about how you perceive and feel about this situation, his reaction will be telling. However avoid just confronting and accusing him of cheating, as he will never satisfy your questions while defensive.

Hate to break it to you, but this is common gym bro behavior. It's meant to motivate you into bettering yourself. They will push boundaries, as it's what they needed to have happen to them in order to hit the gym and improve themselves. He likely has done this to others, or had it done to him, and sees it as wanting to help; as the results usually turn to "dang if you hadn't pushed me I wouldn't have done all this work."

I would be willing to guess that you haven't encountered this kind of personality, kind of like a soft Drill Instructor or Personal Trainer. However you didn't ask him to do this for you, and that is were the disconnect happened. He probably heard about your body dysphoria and thought he'd help the only way he knew how.

I think ascribing controlling behavior to him is a bit difficult. I would agree him crossing the boundary of yours is a bit much, and justification to reduce or terminate the friendship. From what I have read it didn't come from a place of malice or manipulation, but his way of trying to help someone; who he may have seen as reluctant to help themselves and was wallowing in a break up.

On 2/6/2024 at 1:48 PM, boltnrun said:

 Now, I think this is a cynical view (and I didn't ask the follow up question which was "Are you saying YOU would have said yes?" because I didn't want to know the answer). But definitely interesting.

Also, I imagine if a man approached ten women and asked the same question the reverse would be true...nine responses of "hell no, get away from me you weirdo!" and one "maybe??" 

I do need to add, my male friend has some, um, odd views of men and women and their interactions. 

If all 10 men where single I would agree with his opinion.

What we are seeing with Lost's log on OLD is pretty true for most men. I know when I started online dating back in the mid 2000s things were a lot more thoughtful. Usually conversations started with a paragraph email and blossomed from there (if they were going to). Now it's really short half formed texts, hardly better than grunting back and forth. Dis heartening to say the least.

I think on of the greatest differences is in how profiles are written. "Back in my day" There was a lot of effort to express oneself and goals, give a little insight into their personality. This was true on paid or free sites. Then the profiles started adding more and more bullet point info and the ✈️ replaced discussions on where one has traveled.  A statement about how a woman is divorced, has two children and if the father is in the picture; is now "Boy mom x2" or "My kids are my whole world." I presume men do the same thing, but I'm not looking at those profiles. lol

My personal opinion is that OLD and current dating culture has over valued women, and undervalued men. Before anyone has a hissy fit, i simply mean that the values women bring to the dating table are distilled down to looks and men are distilled into assets. While insultingly glossing over who the individual is at their core. I would say we see a lot of that on this forum being played out.

Since you said mum, I guess is you're in the UK, if true I can understand some aspects of his living situation. if the house is family owned, it may make more sense for him to stay there, especially if his mum and brother are on the dole.

His impracticality with money is likely learned from his mum, I can only assume this since there is no mention of his father. Inter-generational behaviors can be very difficult to break, even with motivation on his part. 

What I am getting from your posts is you want his potential, not the reality of him now. Which is setting yourself up for frustration and failure. These changes are for him and from him, nothing to do with how you view his spending habits.

Overall, it sounds like you two are setting each other up for unhappiness. You need to find someone who you can grow with, to be complimentary towards; unfortunatley this guy isn't hitting all the criteria for you. It's okay, doesn't make him a bad guy (contrary to what some here would say); nor does that make you a harsh shrew.  You're two people who just didn't work out.

On 2/4/2024 at 9:32 PM, Silly Metal Latina said:

So I told this guy I thought it was terrible what he was trying to do and that he was being a bad friend. So he left all upset. Like I just crushed him or something.

I mean... You kind of did crush him. More specifically he crushed himself.

Good that you are telling/told your BF, he needs to know.  Outside of this guy trying to make a move on you, which I doubt he will, this was the guy just being upset with where he is in life. Not the best way to handle it on his part, but he was probably wanting to figure out why he never got a chance. Clearly he never took the risk to let you know about his interest, so it comes out in a ball of nerves.