Coily

1 hour ago, SummerBug03 said:

If I met them, I know I wouldn't feel as jealous. I also know that these feelings stem from my own self insecurity, and insecurity in our relationship. 

This, right there. This is how you need to approach it with your BF. As long as he knows this is about your insecurity, not you trying to control him, not you being possessive.

1 hour ago, SummerBug03 said:

He's not a mind reader. Plus, I don't even know how he feels about my male friendships 

You deserve a lot of credit, far too often people think their partner knows what to do by telepathy.

I think you are on the right path with some of your thinking, and just need a nudge here and there on making sure that you have open calm communications. Often it's hard when we are feeling a certain way to understand how that will impose our will upon others.

It might be wise for you to vocalize what you have said above, that one you meet these platonic friends your jealousy lessens.  And kudos to you BF asking you about giving the ride, take that as a green flag in his respect towards you.

"You have to admit that him rubbing bear grease all over his naked torso, and only wear a stetson and chaps was a little forward of him. Sure he had that 'I'm a wingman' placard, but still that gyrating like Elvis was scandalous."

On 3/11/2024 at 9:37 PM, yogacat said:

Alright. A bit off topic, but who here has ridden a mechanical bull? That's where the real fun is...

Not a mechanical one, but I have ridden a bull. Well technically an ox.

OP, have you thought through what being a single mom will entail? Have you talked to single moms and their struggles and triumphs? Are you ready for all of that?

Jerky will no doubt throw some cash at the kid, maybe have some involvement; but where will he be with the 3am feeding? The diaper runs at 10PM? The tears and frustration? Will you be able to provide the kind of life you want for you and the child? Because Jerky will be off banging the next intern.

It's your choice, but have you really thought beyond the office gossips? To the future you want?

The fact that she is blowing off the very topic of you wanting kids is a huge red flag. She keeps stringing you along, and that's grossly unfair. Eventually there will come a time when you will have to ask yourself what is really beneficial to you in this relationship? Just sex and companionship, or starting your own family?

You clearly want a family, and she'll be content just using you. Time to end this and find a woman who is more in line with you. Because at the end of the day you wanting kids is far more important. 

The direction of this relationship is very very dark.

• She is trying to isolate you for your family
• She doesn't think twice about hurling objects at you
• verbal abuse
• controlling YOUR language

I'll put it this way a friend of mine had a common law wife who started out like this, things kept escalating over time. He spent very little time not tied to her hip, he thought it was normal. Years later, after she shot him; did he discover how unhealthy his situation was, and how abused he had been.

Are they of a similar cultural background to you?

Bald can be a struggle, it can be huge adjustment in your life; and one that not everyone is happy with or can embrace.

However when it hinders how you go about seeking relationships this may be an indicator of other things you need to deal with.

You seem to have wanted one sided benefits in this situation. She on the other hand saw what she wants and went for it.

Had a situation that was a work in progress relationship, when it came to sexual intimacy she and i had a few very awkward moments. I finally just asked her what she liked, she initially was embarrassed in speaking openly about it (which I found mildly amusing after being intimate);  but the dam burst and we worked on in the moment communications. There were a few instant improvements, but most of it took time.

One thing i took away from that situation was in framing the matter. there were a few moments where either of us could have torpedoed the whole thing, we got away from "you're not doing this right" and phrased it as "I really like it when you do X."

One very specific instance was she was a bit of a nibbler with oral, not great for me. I told her I liked it better when she didn't use her teeth as much, took some reminding, but we got there.

Yikes, that is very very strange behavior, outside of something like downe syndrome.. That would be a no go for me.

When you talk about his full attention, are we talking all the time, or with specific instances?

I won't us my hubris and tell you if this relationship is compatible or not, we don't have the tools from the outside to really know. Many times there is a lack of clear communication about expectations and requirements.

I would suggest you write a letter (one that you don't send) to your BF, and reflect on the good and bad of what is going on. then after a time re-read it. You need to wrap your head around what doesn't work for you, and think through what actions your BF has brought to the table.

12 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Trying to give you a visual not that it matters but my jeans were tucked inside the boots. Think low rise skinny jeans with a casual long sleeved blouse. 

I honestly didn't think I looked like a "city girl", very little makeup which is my style anyway; I wasn't all glammed up.

But still they knew!  

Maybe it was my "energy" or something lol.

You did just fine, I'm not into the rodeo scene; just hanging out with ranchers and their tall tales.

Sometimes it's a matter of how you carry yourself. I know when I was in Belgium most people thought I was Dutch, I didn't know why until my Dutch friend and I were hanging out; she pointed out how I was doing things like She did. and laughed her butt off at it.

Let's start with: no it's not selfish to want a healthy loving sexual relationship.

2 hours ago, Notin1 said:

I really just feel that she just cant be bothered with our marriage anymore and she always says to me that i know where the door is if im not happy.

This is very bothersome, her attitude towards you is on the cruel and dismissive side. This is not healthy for any relationship.

You both may need to look into marriage counseling, as there is something that she is unwilling to address in your marriage. While you may need to find new ways to reignite the passion, but you aren't being "pouty whiney passive aggressive" 🙄 to want the intimacy you once had.

Just now, rainbowsandroses said:

I can't upload a pic at the moment but they were literally these, from Amazon.

[>Soda “BLAZING” ~ Women Western Stitched Pointe Toe Low Heel High Top Ankle Shaft Boot Bootie<<

Cowgirl boots!  

Definitely greenhorn boots. Haha.

Kidding

I remember in Wyoming talking with one of the ranchers, something about if the jeans were worn over vs in the boots. Can't remember the details, but it was apparently the sing of a "Dude" up there.

Since you are still invested in this guy, I think you need to consider some work around for him if you want to keep things going.

If dealing with this I would put down a schedule of chores, sticky notes to label the cabinets for groceries, and tell him he has to plan 3 (arbitrary number) meals a week. This is all to prime the pump so he know where things go, and what is needed.

Now that he can easily discover what goes where and when things get done, divide the tasks. If they don't get done, he gets to see the consequences. If he doesn't do the dishes, when he runs out of clean dishes tough trash. When he gets hungry on the days he planned dinner for, you go out and grab a bite alone.

Now this shouldn't be all punitive or viciously done. But show that you  need him helping around the house more. Men want to be needed, they want to open the proverbial pickle jar; os if that's there you can build together. if not... Then you  have to ask yourself is he worth the investment?

Great you got out of your usual places!

As for the guy, My guess is that he felt he might be seen as being flirty by some of the regulars; or have an insanely jealous GF who he worried might hear word about him chatting up the pretty city gal. That's the best read I can give you on a guy like that.

He was in for the banter and chatting, then had a striking reminder of some sort. Though he may have been too flirty or perceived that way.

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

t's why I offered to go to hers (not the rodeo but the guys haha) usually she visits me and we head downtown to the Gaslamp.

Oh nooooo Gaslamping! LOL

With the boots, is what I'd guess have you away. Haha.

On 3/3/2024 at 7:04 AM, Piano Black said:

 I'm still friends with some of my exes including one from a couple decades ago.

Just to point this out to everyone treating the OP like she's 16.

Online connections are an interesting animal, one I don't think a lot of people can quite wrap their minds around if they haven't engaged in one that wasn't purely hedonistic. While it's clearly not the same as local, it's also not that different that people who work hectic schedules and have to make effort to see each other. I think what bothers people about online and modern long distance is the seeming "onlyfans" portrayal it gets, when reality is much less seedy.

Not to mention sometimes dating local isn't a great option. Yes it can be convenient, but sometimes there just aren't shared core values.

As I'm already in the pulpit. This guy's insecurities about you remaining friends with ex could isn't a good look. Now I think a difference should be made between his discomfort and demanding you never engage with these exes.

My take is that it's fine if you want to keep conversing with this guy, though I would encourage video calls and such. Look for near you options, and limit the sexy fun time stuff. With the few hours apart, maybe look at finding a way to meet in person, so you can feel this guy out. Maybe take some friend with you who can pop off for a coffee while you meet this guy in a public place.

Which leads me to a question, have either of you mentioned meeting IRL? Not a romantic sweeping off the feet date, but a cup of coffee and conversation. I would use that as a better metric.

OP, you need inspiration and motivation; not just "You'll feel better." That's just an empty promise that holds little value when you are wanting change; it's also a bit dismissive of what you are trying to figure out. It can be hard to get the motivation to get the ball rolling, when you feel like you are being cliche clobbered.

So, what's your goal? Find a nice lady to take on a date? Great! Now, outside of what I mentioned above, is there anything you think that is holding you back? Anything that you want to achieve in say 6 months time? Do you need a change of where you are living?

There are a lot of incidental factors that add up with weight gain. Some you have direct control over, and others you need to learn to manage.

4 hours ago, JustADude21 said:

I'm 21 year old dude and I haven't had an actual relationship since high-school. I partly feel like it's because of my weight (I weigh 350 pounds.) I just want to be happy and make someone happy but I always feel like my weight is stopping me. There's plenty of people around me that I crush on but never talk to because I feel like they judge my appearance.

 

Outside of your diet and life style choices, are there any other contributing factors to your weight? Such as Thyroid problems can be linked to weight gain. Plus a myriad of other health conditions can lead to weight gain. If you are serious about  weight loss consider checking with a physician. Or perhaps depression is a factor?

It's way too easy for people to just say diet and exercise and you'll feel better. Not always the case if there are other issues you are struggling with. Would a personal trainer or activity friend help you stay motivated?  For many it's staying motivated that is the problem, and it can be beyond setting goals for yourself.

Places like the gym etc are kind of icky for some people, so you need to find something that would get you active and motivated. You would never catch me in a gym, so I go and chop cords of wood, I build things, I go for walks and hikes, and I find things that I like that are physical. Even something like bowling would get you more active.

Don't let the boiler plate stuff get you down, it's well intentioned, but one size doesn't fit all.

Outside of the smirk moment, I don't think he gave you much mind. 

Usually when we feel uncomfortable we can ascribe innocent actions more weight than they warrant. Sorry this haunted you as much as it did, and still does. Over time this will make less of an impact.

On the plus side you have a wild story to tell.

It's not possible to know his motives from the internet, so don't dwell on him just wanting sex too much. Just go forward with your eyes open to that possibility. Be firm in what your boundaries are, and what you are seeking in a relationship.

I don't think there is anything wrong with you letting him know you think he's cute. I was at a singles event recently, a lady mentioned she thought I was cute. We went on a date the next day, just a nice breakfast and a walk.

A quick coffee date is about all you should allow at this point, rip the band-aide off and go from there.

Has he always been this way or is it something new(ish)? The same question applies to your desire for you two to be more emotionally conversant?

When you talk to him about wanting your emotional needs met, are you in an emotional state? Or is it about the same type of topic?

While I think you are valid in wanting that sort of reciprocation, I don't know if it's fair that you hinge your entire relationship upon that point. As you mention he does a lot for you in other ways, is there something else going on between the two of you? Also curious what you do to validate him, or is it dependent on his emotional availability?

In my opinion you need to explore other ways that the relationship works, how to get on the same page without either of you are feeling that you are being fake to the other.

As it's been 5 weeks you are just on the start of your journey. Give yourself some credit for the work you have started. Putting your focus on your kids is the right thing, and over time that will make the best impression. 

Keep on, you'll do well where it counts, your kids.