Coily

A quick coffee date is about all you should allow at this point, rip the band-aide off and go from there.

Has he always been this way or is it something new(ish)? The same question applies to your desire for you two to be more emotionally conversant?

When you talk to him about wanting your emotional needs met, are you in an emotional state? Or is it about the same type of topic?

While I think you are valid in wanting that sort of reciprocation, I don't know if it's fair that you hinge your entire relationship upon that point. As you mention he does a lot for you in other ways, is there something else going on between the two of you? Also curious what you do to validate him, or is it dependent on his emotional availability?

In my opinion you need to explore other ways that the relationship works, how to get on the same page without either of you are feeling that you are being fake to the other.

As it's been 5 weeks you are just on the start of your journey. Give yourself some credit for the work you have started. Putting your focus on your kids is the right thing, and over time that will make the best impression. 

Keep on, you'll do well where it counts, your kids.

How old are you two?

Sounds like he was flirting up a storm! He probably is unsure of your interest, and might need a nudge. You have a few options.

You could be bold and ask him to a low-key date, something like coffee.

You could simply give him your number, and tell him you'd like to hear from him maybe throw in a compliment like you think he's cute or something.

Lastly you could play flirty games, that will leave you both confused and disappointed.

Best of luck, hopefully good news in your future

I dealt with a similar situation, and being blindsided with "oh hey I'm actually in a relationship, and YOU need to back off"  is maddening. Then add insult to feeling kid of stupid about things by contacting you after 9 months is enough to tell her to take a hike.

She is trying to clear her conscious more than anything else. She is trying to plead her case so that she doesn't feel like the villain in a situation that she created. You are taking the right course of action by letting her know you are not interested in dealing with her any longer. Otherwise you would have to rehash a lot a ground that you have put behind you.

Honestly, after this amount of time, it sounds like she is wanting to start back up some emotional fulfillment using you; just as she did when things originally happened. Best be shod of her.

23 hours ago, Radiant41 said:

I finally told him that due to close work proximity and because of something very complicated and difficult I am working through that is using up all of my energy I can't.

This is quite a bit of him leading himself on. The lack of clarity on the OP's part in "letting him down easy" is a lesson learned hopefully.  I can see where even the most reasonable guy who has been told the women want to be pursued trope, would think the door is left open. Many times there is a need for a firm "No" and that's all.

As long has he's reasonable, and given that forthright "no," he'll probably back off and set sail for other dating options.

You have been through quite a lot, and you have my deepest sympathy.

The feeling of isolation and loneliness is another strong thread in you commentary I am seeing. Depending on your interests, if you are not quite ready to join groups; perhaps you should look into some on campus events at your university. Art Galleries, movie screenings, places where you can be around people; but don't feel obligated to interact with them like you would with a club/organization. Also ask your counselor/therapist if they have any recommendations to help you get out and socialize some more.

You have nothing to be ashamed of, you just need the right tools and options to help you emerge from your shell.

Yikes with the social media stalker moment. It might be a good time to check all of your profile settings, change passwords, and maybe stay off of them for a little while to see if you can weed out who this weirdo is.

27 minutes ago, BabyBluePorsche said:

So is setting up your *** at the exit for your gym crush to trip over. And if the roles were reversed, they wouldn’t be because I’d never do that. It’s funny because it takes me about 3 minutes to get to my car and leave so technically I didn’t wait for him, but I did want clarification as to why he was putting his crap near the exit. But of course, we have people like you who like to gaslight people for voicing concern. What a world we live in.

Sorry I can't take this entirely seriously. You are taking one moment in time and ballooning into him having a crush on you or stalker behavior.

So, since the hang up is now seemingly about blocking the entrance specifically. Did he set bags down? Or did he drop them accidentally? Did he set up an a elaborate ambush? Sorry I'm kind of dense. Or is this a series of moments you are unsure of; but because you have a vested interest want a certain outcome? Again I'm painfully stupid.

 Waiting to see if someone leaves alone is creeping into the stalker category. if the roles were reversed...

It really comes across like you just want this guy to ask you out or flirt with you since you have the hots for the guy. Since he's new to the gym, or at least that's how it reads; he may just be meandering around. Also since there is no real time frame mentioned here, is this over the course of a day? Week? Months?

It seems like you are more interested in him than the other way around.

Red herring post from the start, or you got into your wife's account?

This is great news!!! Keep it up!

This doesn't sounds very promising.

38 minutes ago, Lifelustlostadvice said:

Like no I agree its equally wrong. But when I say worse I mean that men can cheat out of primal instinct aka horney and  that be it with Wemon  there is usually an emotional component to it so likely have bonded to another 

 

I.e men cheat and be nothing g more but when wemon cheat its more of an affair then cheating 

Strongly disagree on that. Having read through many many posts on this forum, and from knowing people who had affairs, women and men will have an affair for what ever reason the feel like. Acting as if one reason to cheat is slightly less bad than the other is just as specious.

Your GF acted scummy, the question is do you want to deal with the possibility she'll just get all horny again and throws her self on anything that gets her excited?

No need to bring up the rape topic, but you can mention how happy you are to meet her.

You all will have a lot to talk about some fun and some probably on the darker side of your lives. That's okay, but let her guide the conversation.

At 19 there is a lot of figuring out who you are, it sounds like this is heavily what she is dealing with. Where you know your position in life, he's may not be so clear between her parents, and other things that she is self evaluating.

Ultimately, you will never have any satisfactory answers. That's just one of the crap things about life. It's easy to blame her parents, but something happened on that trip that changed her mind about where she was in life. Best to give her space and let her figure her life out.

Sometimes people do 180s on us and we will never know why.

8 minutes ago, Helpless-homelife said:

They've lived there 30+ years, raised their kids there etc. I can see why they are attached to the house and I don't begrudge that. It would be a massive task to move! 

I can see why that impression could be made. I don't want to be the big bad daughter in law. But i feel like his mum and dad just don't see the situation from our perspective at all 

They don't, I can almost be certain of that. However getting your husband in the same mindset, working as a team, there may be ways of letting them think it's their idea. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders, so think of this like a long chess game.

Given my limited understanding of UK housing right now, I can appreciate that things are complex, and it won't be easy to just get a bigger place. sometimes we Yanks forget that housing isn't as easy to get across the pond.

7 minutes ago, Helpless-homelife said:

Switching houses seems like the obvious thing to me but his mother doesn't seem to even consider the idea. 

Our marriage is fine I guess, we live fairly independently but I'm starting to think that not the great situation that I always convinced myself it was. 

How long have they lived there? Moving from a home that that have spent decades in is a gargantuan task for some. I would encourage you to follow Adrianas advice and find good ways of broaching this idea first with your husband and let him think on it for a while. A time table will only push things into a negative direction, so I would encourage you to be patient.

To be blunt, you could be misinterpreted as grasping for a bigger house. I don't think that's the case, but take that into consideration while having these discussions, as people will just jump to the worst conclusions too often.

Marriage counseling will help with this communication barrier.

That's quite the conundrum.

Would it be possible for you all to switch houses? Are his parents paying anything in the way of rent/mortgage/upkeep on the house?

I would say proceed with caution in general, but don't start with an eye to the door so to speak. While on one hand it seems that there is a bit of envy that about the differences in housing situation. I can understand it, there is a reasonable solution; but it's not a solution that is going to have logic involved. (Especially as the mother-in-law seems to be a horder). Thier Hording maks it very very difficult for them to see space as a concern.

How is the marriage otherwise? Are there other things that are causing friction between you and your husband, and this topic makes it easier to focus on? Could you stand up to your mother the way you want your husband to stand up to his? (I personally think once a pair is wed the inlaws take a far back seat, easy to say, difficult to live)

3 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

For some clarity, here are his texts:

-I wanted to ask you something, these last days have you continued to chat with other men? It's out of curiosity

- Ah OK. Not being someone who runs several hares at once, I had put the rest on hold..but I understand

- I understand but I'm not like that... if I follow you that means you're going to meet all of us and make a choice. It's a kind of speed dating...I think it spoils the magic of the meeting, even if it's only virtual.

At the last one: 

- Okay, I'll leave you for tonight. You probably have lots of messages to answer 😜... I am teasing you

Have a goog night.  Talk to you tomorrow 🌛

(google translate) 

Thanks for the context! Definitely a bad joke on his part there at the end, I think it really depends on his personality, which you are still getting to know. Ultimately it's up to how you feel about him in the entirety of your communications.

Just to ask the question: has this guy said that you cannot date others explicitly? or he just expressed that he is not a fan of it?

I ask that simply as his expression of discomfort doesn't come across as controlling, just brutally honest boundary that he has for himself. I guess I'm leery of conclusion jumping when you have not met this guy face to face.

I don't see it as control, but as commitment by both parties. Now I think there are jerks who will use one sided exclusivity as a way to control others, but those people would exert control one way or the other.

Some people do get uncomfortable with dating someone and knowing that the other party is dating around, I know I would. It's an ignorance is bliss kind of thinking.

For me I view "exclusive" and "official" in dating as interchangeable.  Maybe it's dating stage 2A and 2B for some people. But it's a willing, maybe just different intensity. I think exclusivity is a pop-psych term that has replaced "official" for a lot of people these days.

As for me, I like exclusivity/official dating, it takes the guess work out of the dating game and lets me know that I'm investing my time and energy with someone who cares as much about me as I do them.