Coily

17 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Thanks Wise.  Didn't mean to go off topic, I was simply responding to this comment (below) by another poster.  My bad. 

"I also see many disparage online dating as not being spontaneous and how it’s better to meet in real life. The way I interacted on dating sites was very close to meting in real life as I limited the virtual communication."

Back to topic. 

Best part, the topic is communications, so run wild with it.

Having had a similar family dynamic years ago, I'll share what I did.

When my grandmother died there was a drift between my mother and her extended family. While her sisters stayed closer to that extended family, my mother was only in loose contact. As such I never felt obligated to give this family the time of day, they we obnoxious and self centered; wanting to flaunt what they had. I was not impressed. Especially how they vilely treated a poorer cousin, a man who even in his old age would try and do everything for family.

My solution, unless my mother asked me to drive her to visit them, I have zero interaction with them. I feel far better for it. When I do have to interact, I just politely say hello, and grab a book. Their opinion of me matters not.

How would he handle going to work in future? How would he handle getting around if you were in an accident, sick, or couldn’t drive? 
These are the questions you have to pose to him. I doubt he has thought beyond just getting what he wants in the here and now. Posing this issue as you being tired and worn out probably won’t change things, as he has proven he won’t see it that way.

I doubt things will change sadly, he’s not used to being pushed beyond his comfort zone.

20 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Also many times people want texts for the security blanket reason not because they really care to know more about the person. 

This is a fantastic point, which lets be honest there are so many threads that start from that security blanket being removed. 

Maybe he got "the ick"?

2 hours ago, waffle said:

A by-product of dating sites.  When the mode of communication at the outset is screen-based, and many (most?) people on those sites are only looking for attention anyway, there's really no way to get around it.

The question I would then pose is this: Is this a healthy outgrowth of online dating or is it something that must be curtailed beyond the introductory stages? I have no answers, and you have given it considerably more thought than I.

Sounds like you are engaging in self sabotage.

You picked two very specific topics to decide he's dull, despite finding him engaging and funny. Some people just don't watch TV, movies, or read; doesn't make the vapid. I know some people who are fantastic face to face, but in text it's just grunts.

Since you really don't know the ins and outs of his living situation it's not an easy call to make. I know a few people who have had to move back in with their parents, lack of housing seems to be a common thread in some countries.

As to his lack of curiosity, could it be he's fulfilled elsewhere in his life?

Honestly, spare this man the bother and expense of a date where he has already been slandered as "icky."

12 minutes ago, Sweet Sue said:

Yesterday, me ex who lives with them called me on an unrelated matter.

HOLD UP: This is a huge revelation, at least to me. How did your Daughter take the divorce? While you and your ex maybe cordial, I would say this is the crux of the problem between you and her. Even adult children, even in their own divorces can react strongly to a divorced parent's actions or in-actions.

7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

My husband wrote me little love notes before we got engaged or married but were in a solid committed relationship. I still have many of them. It was his way of expressing his love when he wasn't able to see or speak to me. He would hand them to me when he saw me and I would read them when I was by myself. And yes, I also wrote him notes. He also wrote the most gawd awful poems but they were so sincere. 

I guess scrolling through your phone reading words on your screen has the same effect. But I feel the effect is blunted when you're texting all day, every day. 

Of course, I am old (which was so very kindly pointed out to me by another poster on this forum 😜 ) so I have no idea how the folks who don't have one foot in the grave do things these days. 

Now that's quite honorable and amazing of him! I think there is something less tangible and thus less meaningful about a text. Having that note, is something you can hang on to for all of your days, not accidentally deleted when you get a new phone. I would also be willing to bet there was weight to every "bad" poem as he had to compose it?

1 minute ago, Seraphim said:

In person is best. Most of communication isn’t in spoken or written words. I was so glad to find a partner before the digital age . 

Absolutely!

I find it very curious that there are these "rules" about how digital communications are supposed to work, and treated as a universal standard.  I think it put undue stress on what would have been considered normal quiet times.

When you started dating your husband, would you consider pacing those communications more healthy than some of what we read here?

I think we need a better timeline of what's going on here.This is my understanding.

You caught your husband texting another woman. But no context of what you saw, you brought it up and he left saying " he was done." Is this his way of handling confrontation? Or is this unique? 

His grooming habits changed, is he prone to do random changes about other grooming?

Not sure what this cold water comment means? Did he react poorly? Very confused.

Im not sure about the rest of the paragraph either. It's fine if English isn't your first language, I'm trying to piece this all together, without sewing panic.

On first read this could be concerning, but more details would help.

My Nickle's worth here: It's really a matter of how the topic is broached. I speak from being on the receiving end of this type of conversation. While it's fair to ask "hey what happened?" the matter of how it comes across is very very important.

With H: I went silent on her for 4 days as i was working where there was no communications allowed durinng the day and worked 14 hours straight. Just completely slipped my mind doing anything other than managing this delicate project. She put it this was: "Hey I missed out chats, is something wrong?" I was happy to answer, didn't feel like my space was being invaded; I realized I had forgotten to tell her as I was giddy over that wonderful night.

With W: I got sick, nearly admitted to the hospital sick for 8 days. I had texted W, that I wasn't feeling well and she asked me to text when I could. When you are either puking, flushing, or sleeping for 8 days; you lose track of time. Plus she went on vacation, from my perspective no one wanted to text while delusional from fever. When I finally could focus and stay awake enough, she just went for my throat over not texting her like it was an umbilical cord. I said goodbye and left her with the bill.

At the end, I hope the OP approaches this situation more like H, trying to understand and learn, either directly or by observation. He has his life and so does she, until they are a proper couple they are free actors, hopefully honorable.

24 minutes ago, Irakotka said:

Tinder is actually the last thing. I've been through a lot with him and something inside me had still some hope that there would be good things and not only bad things. And maybe I'm the bad one, the crazy one. Because when I tried to speak with him about Tinder kinda manipulated my version and so he is right for being on Tinder if I don't change somethings from myself. But what do I have to change when I gave and tolerated many things. For example, he lives in a cabin owned by his parents, they don't really want him living with them that's why they bought the cabin. And he would stay smoking weed and on the phone watching bull***s and staying cold than using the stove. Once we were collecting wood and he was like you are going to waste all the wood of the neighbourhood/forest. I bought wood from a place you go there and collect it... and even this was not okay for him. Like, everytime I do something he will start giving me sh*t. I couldn't use the washing machine, sometimes I was even taking his dirty clothes to wash them at my parents house or to the laundry shop. Even for buying food he is so mean. Always telling how much it is and we have to pay it in half or if he pays he will mention something like well later we go to the other shop and you buy me the drinks (I don't mean alcohol). And so it's like making an effort to even spend 10€ on me. I could continue. Am I the crazy one? Did I tolerate too many things? Because I even have the feeling that I lost my dignity at some point trying to get answers from his Tinder account... 

Run! Seriously, run for the hills.

You can do better than this addict. Things are only going to get worse, it's sad that him being on Tinder is the only thing that got your mind changed about this guy.

I wish you the best.

I'd say message after a while, there shouldn't be a rigid time line for interactions of this sort. If you want to message him after a while.

Since you are long distance, you won't really know if he has other things going on, don't sweat it. It's not fun wondering about all the IFs, but you don't have anything to go on other than public facing content, which is fluff in the gran scheme of life.

It's probably nothing. I think people get too focused on routine in this sort of situation. Take a step back, breathe relax, and reflect.

At first I thought he was a in informant for the police. lol

Seriously, this guy is just using you to power up his ego. Keep an eye out for this clown when you do block him, people like that can't take No very well.

A few thoughts.

While I agree never push your boundaries too far beyond what you are comfortable with. However how do you handle when they go for a kiss is crucial. If you go "No, not going to happen." then a lot of men will be put off thinking there is something amiss in the budding relationship. On the other hand if you right out of the box early in the date tell them that you prefer not to kiss or have other intimacy until you get to know them better, then they will either stick around and follow your lead or bail.

It's very crucial to have good communication about this early, otherwise it will get very nebulous as to where things are progressing. For example an ex of mine (great lady) told me right away when we met that she didn't kiss on the first date, I was fine with it. We had such a great time she did give me a peck on the cheek, but I never asked or pushed.

2 hours ago, Cynder said:

A lot of these people just assume I'm a guy, too.  I know that plays into it.  Society really needs to drop this "all men are evil" mentality.  It's disgusting. 

Also THIS! Sometimes on here especially.

But yes, I think there are a lot of people who feel that if you haven't lived X or Y, you have no right to learn about it. It's extremely bizarre. These people will also target people who do ask simple polite questions, and scold them.

I think is the perception that you want to be a vulture and profit off of their experiences, when you are just wanting to learn. Perhaps you need a softer approach, integrate into their forums a bit more; before asking questions. These are usually very insular and defensive communities, even online.

There may also be an element for some of them, that think you are plotting something, and using the writing as a cover for some heinous plot. So again, the soft approach.

As for their threats, yikes they just need to be gone from civil society.

Right now the ball is in your court, he may seem "cold" as he's not sure how you really feel about him and your romantic evening. He chased, and hard to date you. Now he is wondering, "did she enjoy it?"

You are making yourself an anxious wreck, when you have the power to shoot him a text and let him know you had that "Amazing time." Maybe he did change his mind, maybe he's also unsure about your feelings. Now don't go over board and give him a play by play; but be honest with him (without being clingy).

Also worth noting, we men do get burned out of having to pursue all the time, we like to know we are making progress beyond the physical with a good woman.

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

That's fair however IF he were processing his emotions to determine next step or he was just 'busy' (which if I were to venture a guess will be his reason for going NC for five days), do you think he would have sent such a nonchalant casual message?

Telling her he'd like to get something scheduled in his "diary" and asking what weekends she's free?

Obviously not this weekend.

I dunno his message sounded very cavalier to me, not a man interested in pursuing a relationship with substance and value which is what @MsBlondewants. 

Just what I'm sensing.

OP have you responded?

 

 

 

If I were in his position, I would also be "cavalier." Not knowing the OP, but if things automatically went to I had to explain my every move, I would be trying to play as if everything were fine as before. Depending on the woman, we men have it in our head, not to chase too hard else we frighten off a woman by being overbearing.

It's a fine line. Also after 3 dates, it would be hard to get a feel either way about what the intentions of the relationship are.