Coily

4 minutes ago, Lexismith said:

Do you think he’s already completely over me? 

Yes

It's a complicated thing losing one's virginity, and natural to have doubts and questions. The first question did you both have fun? Did the two of you communicate about what was pleasurable and what wasn't?

Have you asked if there is something new she'd like to try? That way there is a shared bit of adventure? I liken this to buyers remorse in a sense, the question is do you want to let this eat at you? Right now in your head you are comparing yourself to someone she is no longer with. Which I think needs to be emphasized, she is WITH you now. She wanted to be your first as much as you wanted her to be your first too.

Keep the communications open, even on this with your GF; this will help improve things. Now I advise don't frame it in that she hasn't given you the same level, because she did. Don't beat yourself up either.

12 hours ago, BeaTlesFan77 said:

Any recommendations for either of those?  I used to watch Ghost Adventures all of the time. 

Astonishing Legends Podcast is pretty good. They balance debunking and the tale; usually end up with more questions than answers.

For some reason I started re-watching Northern Exposure on Prime, it's a lot funnier than I remember.

11 hours ago, Lexismith said:

 I’m a very beautiful girl and I get a lot of attention everywhere. We go out on a date and I spend a lot of time on my looks. He was just look at me and wouldn’t compliment me I would be like do I look good, he would say obviously I don’t date girls that I don’t think look good.

Hubris is not attractive, and will only overshadow natural looks. Also we guys get tired, very tried of having to pay compliments to women every time we are out with them. It's not that we don't appreciate the looks, but we do want to move beyond the superficial of we are wanting more than a shag. Focus less on your looks and more on your personality, and who you want to be in a relationship. Unless you want to be a trophy wife.

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He also seen my DMs and he seen that a lot of men were still trying to entertain me and I responded to a few messages a week after we started talking and he got upset and said “ right when we started talking he cut every woman off”.

He has moved past wanting to be told he has to compete with other guys when he thinks he is dating exclusively. Showing him these DMs is insulting, and no wonder he got upset. He was focused on learning about you, not some measuring contest with other guys. I can tell you from experience most mature guys when they have this thrown in their face will just walk, they know drama is in the future. How would you feel if he showed you all the women sending him saucy pictures? Not great i would imagine.

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when we talk on the phone, he would also be around people and I’d asked him one day does anybody in your circle friends or family know about me or know about us and he would just give a dry response and say “Nope I mean some people know a little bit they don’t know who you are or nothing like that”. Just a little things like that it was like he was trying to make me feel unwanted in a way.

So you wanted to be shown off and bragged about? That how this comes across.

Overall you seem insecure about the fact he rejected you, not the other way around. To you he's the one that got away, he is unattainable to you, which is why you are wanting to know if he'll miss you. This guy bruised your ego, which is why you think you got played. In reality he wasn't into playing this ego stroking game.

Sorry if that was hard to swallow, but I think this could be a really good learning experience for you. A springboard to get your ind into the space where you can enter a loving and stable relationship. We all need a reality check from time to time, and this guy may have just given you that moment. Let him go, and think more about what you want in a relationship. Best of luck.

10 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

Thanks for your reply 

Maybe. How would I know that ? 
 

Yes, thank you. 
My must haves are : 

Kind, caring, financially stable, does not do drug, does not smoke, tolerates cats (I have one), progressive values, has a healthy lifestyle, curious 

 

Nice to have : funny ? Likes to dance ? 
And I don’t know, I guess any likeable personality traits that I haven’t mentioned above 

 

 

So take these qualities you have listed, and look at the men who you have dated in the past. See where things align, and don't.

Say for example the healthy lifestyle, this is all theoretical so forgive inaccuracies. So in this fictional example you hit the gym for an hour every day, 6 days a week; and eat junky food as you'll burn it off. Mr X hates the gym, but he is careful with his diet and is very active. Would this align well enough or would you write Mr X off?

You don't have to answer, but something to reflect if there are deviations that you would find acceptable.

3 minutes ago, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

Thank you for the clarification! Also, what is your opinion on this? Do you think I made the right choice?

Honestly I think giving her a second chance is just going to open you up to more pain after that revelation. She keeps compounding lies, upon lies all while claiming it's for your sake. I will also say, contrary to many, that body count does matter; not the number but why the number. If it's a bunch of casual partners when she's hit rock bottom, or as revenge for being cheated on. I would be extremely cautious. If that's her go to when stressed out in the past, what is she doing proactively to stop those behaviors?

She's afraid to lose you, but the way she is going about it is all wrong and manipulative. The whole her faking virginity, could have easily been handled by her saying it was cool that you were, and that would have been it.

Be glad this is over. That paragraph sounds like you both really don't know how to communicate in a clear,  productive, and respectful manner. Sorry to be harsh.

Were you played? Not really. You both seem very incompatible and not able to communicate clearly to each other.

To be honest it sounds like you did some self sabotage here too. You tried to end things twice, and stayed, that built resentment; from reading this I think you would have found a way to end things regardless. What you are dealing with is not him playing you, but you both playing this back and forth game. When we are hurt we tend to want to find blame in others, don't let this one guy taint future relationships.

16 minutes ago, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

What do you mean feelers?

Your intuition.

Just now, Lifelustlostadvice said:

I mean as a man I could see it but even I still need to be physically attracted  

People get horny, simple as.

Yes. There are also nymphomaniacs and sex addicts out there.

15 minutes ago, Alokinga said:

There's a little problem here: I'm a classical guitarist and as you might expect, classical music doesn't have that kind of draw power that rock or pop has lol... so yeah, playing at gigs is a bit limited

All depends on where you go. I have a friend who plays a bass viola da gamba in a baroque group, he gets a lot of interested women. Granted he's a bit of a goofball when it comes to women, but still it's not entirely out of the realm of possibilities.

Have you considered just playing on campus outdoors?

11 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

Thanks for your help, but I don’t think that’s true at all
If I didn’t want a relationship, why would I feel so sad and envious sometimes of people in a relationship ?

When I was younger I used to fantasize a lot about romance, falling in love … 

But like I said in the other thread, i never believed if would happen for me, for plenty of reasons.
It was just a fantasy, someone nice other people get to experience.

So I want to be honest with myself, I have to acknowledge the fact that I do wish to live a healthy relationship someday. 
 

Sure, I am really independent and I wouldn’t want to be smothered by a partner, but I guess I could find someone that has a similar need for personal space ? 

I'll just say I think Wise is hyper-focusing on something that you said casually.

While i agree you may feel external pressure to find someone, I don't think that seems to effect your approach to dating here. Perhaps you are giving yourself unrealistic expectations in how a potential partner is supposed to be?

Standards are good, unless they start negatively effecting how you see otherwise good men you could date. That's not so say don't have high standards, but re-evaluate them between must haves and nice to have, sometimes we all get those blurred

As far as independence, I have noticed some people take that to an extreme, it's no longer that that can function in a healthy manner on their own; but more "How dare you want to form a bond." There is little communication about healthy personal space boundaries.

I think you are looking at this mostly realistically, but sometimes we get caught up in out own thoughts too much.

Give her a nice simple text, and be prepared for her to be wishy-washy and non committal. Which is your cue to find a woman who values you.

9 minutes ago, Alokinga said:

Thanks for the feedback. 

Yeah, my situation is kind of particular since I study music which IS my passion, and everything in my life is centered around it. So my college feels like the best (only) place to meet people who understand me. 

Are there any musical groups that are looking for an extra? Or maybe off campus bars that you could play at? Women do tend to have a soft spot for musicians.

Look for meet up groups, or get into hobbies you are interested in that are co-ed. If you're religious or curious about it, join a church. Don't be afraid to go out where people are in general. Since you are in college, maybe there are on campus activities that you can explore?

Find a passion that you can accidentally bump into someone and get to know.

I think we need to know more about the ages of the kids.

If they are adults, and he had a turmoil filled relationship with them, he may be trying to shield you and himself from the drama he and their mother had. Trying to not let that experience taint the your marriage. The same my go with how he views your children.

BUT it seems very strange that he has not expressed that reasoning with you. In your position, you need to consider taking him up on that "leave" option. There needs to be a discussion and understanding, not this chaos.

The problem is this wasn't just one lie, it was two. The Virginity part, which carries weight for individuals. Everyone is entitled to their opinion on the matter. The other lie is that she was into these flings, which again is a reflection of her character.

Because she is your first girlfriend, she thought it was okay to lie about it being a first for her as well. As if you weren't worth being honest with. If you want this to work out she will have to do a lot of work to earn your trust back.

21 minutes ago, Legitafter2 said:

I already feel absolute dog crap for resorting to snooping already.

One of the few times I don't think snooping was unwarranted. You found hard evidence that she was up to no good. Feel relieved that you can start moving on from this horrible woman.

It was all a lie on her part. You were easy prey for her, and she knew it. She had the audacity to think should could keep playing with your heart and have no consequences to her cheating. There is nothing you can do to change a serial cheater, except get them out of your life.

On 2/17/2024 at 3:17 AM, poorlittlefish said:

I'm not sure about there being no parity between the sexes, because I've never sent a "Hi" message and always put effort into keeping the conversation going, commenting about what they've said and using open-ended questions.  It feels like 95% of people using online dating sites aren't really interested in meeting someone and just want to boost their ego. 

I dunno, I received 6 "Hi" messages over the weekend. I tried like you to ask open ended questions, let the conversation build naturally. 4 No replies, 1 conversation, and 1 "Why aren't you making more effort?"

But I will agree, that most of these OLD people are just using it as a metric to see how attractive they are to who they want to attract.

This guy is trash. It's best you wash your hands of him now rather than try to figure this out.

Don't beat yourself up too much over this, it's a story as old as time. You can move forward head held high in time. Also don't let this jerk ruin how you view relationships going forward, a good caring man will respect your wishes about sex, even if he does lust after you. In this case you just unfortunately found a guy who put his urges as the only priority.

Also don't do any surgery, that would probably just mess with your mind more over this whole thing.

Having seen a lot of abuse inflicted upon the "lesser partner" the one thing that really stands out is how easily the abuser can get away with it.

Abusers are often charismatic jerks who can hoodwink everyone else. Where the victim is left holding on to what ever they can as a slave against the condemnation of the faceless others. The real tragedy with the Gabby case, is seeing the physical evidence left behind on the aggressor and not the victim in this.

6 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Suit yourself with your own buzzwords. When you can put yourself into the shoes of supporting someone you love who is stagnating in depression, and worse, blaming you for their choices, then I'll take your armchair old-man lecture seriously. I've been there, and sympathetic enabling didn't help anyone. Leaving him forced him to step up for himself.  I loved him enough to do that, and given the choice again, I would have done so sooner.

The exact insults I expected.

10 minutes ago, Pumpkins said:

I appreciate hearing a different perspective. Thank you. I don’t agree with strict gender roles either which is how I ended up in this situation. And if I did, I probably would not have pursued being a physician as it is more of a male dominated profession anyway. 
 

I know things have been hard on him. I do wish that he could see a therapist or a doctor to get help but he doesn’t have health insurance through me because we are not married. I don’t think I could afford for him to go see one anyway. He is not motivated to seek out help either. I feel like I have to pressure things to get them done because he is so depressed, which makes him unmotivated and then more depressed as a result.

I wish he didn’t have to give up his situation in life to be with me, and it makes me feel guilty every day that he moved out here to be with me. He used to have a job, a place, friends, and some money.  I just don’t know if I can this longer especially if he is not willing to change something, it is a lot of extra emotional baggage on top of my already stressful career.  And I financially cannot provide this lifestyle for much longer, because we go out to eat and do things all the time. My bills will get significantly higher next year with my loan payments resuming. I just wish he was willing to at least get a part time job to help. If it was me (but I am extremely motivated) I would get a job, any job, just to get out of the house. Even if it was target or Walmart or something just to make a little bit of money. I am offended he is not willing to do that just to help out. I get it he is depressed which makes it hard. But I sometimes feel I am the adult in the relationship when he is ten years older than me. I did not force him into this situation, I wish something would change because  I hate that we are in this situation. 

I think he has a lot of pride tied up in the work he has done in the past, and never realized how much of a sacrifice he would have to make. It's overwhelming to him, and highly unfair to make you carry his burden as well. I think you two need to think about what this future looks like for you both. Will you have to stay in small town America for more than your residency? Will he be willing to swallow his pride and do some mediocre work?

None of this is easy, but if you two want this to work the band-aid will have to be torn off now, before fiscal problems loom.