Coily

Did some digging: Since the Fourth Council of the Lateran, Cannon 50 (1215AD) consanguineous marriages have been restricted below the 4th degree (1st Cousins).

" Moreover the prohibition against marriage shall not in future go beyond the fourth degree of consanguinity and of affinity, since the prohibition cannot now generally be observed to further degrees without grave harm."

So critics don't have a religious leg to stand on, as Cannon 50 has not been rescinded or changed. It comes down to what you and she are comfortable with.

Male advice here:

She may be unaware of her flirty nature. There are some women (and men) out there that put off that sense, it's not that they are open to the possibility; it's just they are warm and caring people. It's how others react that matters, and you are infatuated. Nothing wrong with that, until you act.

The easiest Solution is when she's asking you if you need help, ask if she needs a refresher lesson. Turn each moment of that into a "Well this is how you do X" and act dumbfounded if she doesn't accept a "lesson." "Oh sorry, I thought you weren't confident enough to do this on your own."

Yikes, having been through a few flood events I  feel for you all.

Also @boltnrun, when safe after the water recedes go out an start the car and just let it idle for a while. There could well be water in the electrical system, you need to let the engine compartment heat up enough to start evaporating the water. Then After that do some short around the block driving. Probably fine, but I've seen enough "flood cars" break down to advise taking things slow.

I have to think the cutesy and kissy emojis were his ham fisted way of saying something. But since there was no further conversation he probably assumed you didn't want to talk more. This could possibly be accidental mutual ghosting.

And NO, men will not always pursue when they don't know what is going on. It does seem like things have run their course, but that just gives you the option to flat out ask him. Not like you aren't backing out now.

From what we've been told, you did nothing wrong. From what we can read this is all about something in his life, not your actions. 

I think you should welcome this chance to free yourself from this relationship. Focus on yourself for a bit.

17 minutes ago, Lostlady07 said:

I was actually doing well & then the breadcrumbs started.  I was set right back.  I did reach out in the beginning but got ignored.  

Like is the person that left in such a cruel way really him or was it just because he was in a dark place.  

 

Questions that will torment you for no good reason.

I'm not a fan of making this a personal conflict by dragging managers and HR in too quickly. People like this are weasels and will try to manipulate situations, and don't get put in their place as they are loud and aggressive. I'm not saying never go to those people, but doing so can lead to unintended consequences for you.

I propose that you take a very by the numbers route. When he brings up a problem for the group, ask that he send you an email about it. When he gets loud and obnoxious, tell him you are still waiting for that email about the topic that needs addressing.

Personally I'd never allow such a bum over to watch a game at my place, even if other co-workers are invited. Your home, you can play favorites. Side note co-workers aren't your friends, you can be friendly, but they are not friends.

But over all, just demand every critique of his in writing.

This isn't on a good track. Does he invite you to do things with his friends or are you kept at arms length in those situations as well? What I am getting at broadly is do you both do things together where he feels energized with groups or are you two both just alone together?

I'm of two minds, he was exterting himself hard to be engaging with just you, and he's slowly returning to his normal behavior. The Other is he's losing interest in the relationship, I fear it may be the latter.

You are absolutely valid having these feelings, you two need to seek a compromise if possible, or a way to end things. But if he's grown sick of the topic, well....

Clearly he's "in your heaaaad, in your heaaaad." Low hanging joke there.

He's clearly paying attention to your likes and dislikes, most guys only remember that sort of thing if they are interested.

Definitely a good time to start dancing around the edges of these topics to see what red flags there are.

The child rearing side could be negotiated around as long as it's for the best interest of the child growing up to be a productive member of society. Personally her idea of just giving a child everything they want is a huge red flag.

Finances on the other hand.... that is a huge red flag, we're talking Chinese Military Parade levels of red flags. Now this is mostly to knowing a guy who's first and second wife would burn through money and stuck him with massive debts in his divorce when he said no to their reckless spending habits. Unless you plan on keeping all of your finances separate, really look into this side of her.

All of that said, you need to see where you both can compromise, if there is no room then take your time and think things through. Best of luck

Then why not let her go?

Just took time to read through this. I have only one question, did you really love her? I'm not talking about passion, and the happy gleeful sides of things. Did you love her enough to see that she was happy, and despite your deep pain want her to have the best life?

I had a lingering hang up on an ex, she was amazing. She too married another guy, and while I was gutted I loved her enough to see she was making a good life for herself. I needed to do the same for me.

This is definitely a complicated situation.

Your BF is in the wrong, but for the right reasons. While his controlling behavior about your drinking is not great, I can see his reasoning behind it. If you have such egregious problems when you drink, I can understand why he would ask you not to go partying and such.

Ultimately this seems to revolve around your own self control, well lack there of when it comes to drinking. I would also say that your family and friends are as much a negative influence as your Boyfriend is regulating your behavior.

2 hours ago, jens90 said:

Thanks. Yes I'm the same I've seen guys I like with women who I would consider not as attractive as me, but maybe she's confident, sure of herself and a great perosn 🙂

Ive also been told that I can come across as aloof or like I don't want to be bothered, which also puts most people off. Thanks so much for your commnet  x 

I too have been called aloof, which for me stems from being nervous. I have to pump myself up to enter some social settings, and put on the charm and wit. it's a very personal thing to work on, but i will say with friends it's a little easier.

Also consider looking at the qualities of the men you are attracted to, and see if you can find those in other guys. There are some people who get hung up in the crowd that a type  of person is in, rather than the elements that lead them there.

As always, best of luck.

I think this is a situation where you have to let this run it's course, rather than trying to think through all of this. You could get sick of being in Cali, he could suddenly want to move, you could both want to go separate ways after a week of doing long distance.

The earnings topic is largely irrelevant between you and he; not saying there can't be possible problems developing from that, but to place too much emphasis on that now is not wise. Once you start making solid wedding plans then have that discussion, but for now see how the relationship goes.

There are too many variables to give sound advice here.

This guy is absolute scum, on so many different levels.

Think of it this way, if you kept the child, how miserable would it be to tell the child that their father would rather be a man-*** than spend time raising and loving this fictional child? The scumbag would never be there for you or the child throughout the next 18 years. You would be setting yourself up for a life long struggle with this clown not lifting a finger if he couldn't get his sexual fix.

For your sake, kick him out of your life entirely. Take some time to heal from this situation.

46 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Yeah, that's a distinction that's been blurred over the years since the lockdowns. People who wanted mileage out of their dating apps had to meet virtually, or otherwise meet outdoors with their faces covered.

Since that time of normalizing online relationships, we've seen a lot more people discussing actual love investments with someone they've never even met in person. It's not the anomaly it once was, and the pain people feel over their communication patterns deviating by even the slightest degree is remarkable.

This is living in one's own head, and I think larger numbers than we can fathom have never recovered socially from enforced isolation. I don't think there's been a precedent period of this in history.

That's an excellent point, the virtual world became the only world for people for nearly 2 years. It's wild to think how that changed everything, i don't know if we even have a clue how much damage that has caused for those who were developing their dating communication skills.

Another thing. This clearly needs to be said for some on here, abuse victims feel trapped. They don't realize they have options to escape abuse. When a battered woman stays because "he says he loves me", we raise the roof and rightfully so. We don't tell her to go "kegel up" and tell the abuser no I have boundaries.

These sort of dough brained takes that are different due to sex agitate me no end. There's no negotiation with an abusive ahole, which the OPs girlfriend clearly is.

This ranks very high up there as one of the more disturbing posts I have read on here.

I fully agree with MissCanuck, this is a horrifically abusive situation. The constant threats to comply to her wants and needs are disgusting, this isn't a relationship this is an emotional prison. You deserve a lot better than this awful person, who threatens you and your basic dignity.

You need to escape from this situation.

On 1/28/2024 at 5:28 AM, Yoyo said:

My mum is having an affair with a married man and she doesn’t know I know. She told me he was a friend but I saw them snogging. I asked her if he was married hoping he’d say he was getter a divorce but he is still in a relationship. What’s even sadder is his son was in the navy, got injured and is now a paraplegic. I can’t imagine leaving my paraplegic son to go have an affair. It is my birthday today and my mum has told me the guy and another friend is coming over and they are all going to a festival so I will be alone on my birthday. My mum and I have a bad relationship, my childhood was abuse and she turned a blind eye. She judges my appearance and looks at me like I’m disgusting. I’ve been crying all morning, I have friends but they are always busy. I don’t really speak to my dad coz he was violent to me. I hate my job and I am too poor to move out. I have tried killing myself 3 times, my Nan and dog died recently and I’m severely depressed. 

Sorry that you are going through all of this.  I would encourage you to follow Shy's advice. Also if you're still out there, feel free to comment here. Every little bit helps.

If you need a sibling or trusted friend, then I would go with that option. Your parents should know that you want to date her, just no details of past interactions. Shades of Honesty.

Also make sure she knows what the deal would be, you owe her that.

Best of luck!!!

I want to get more into the timeline here, as that makes a big difference.

When you slept with your ex how many dates had you been on with Lilly? Basically did you sleep with your ex after 8 dates with Lilly, or after date 3?

The reason I ask this is it would shape how to view things.:

1. If around date 2-3 you slept with your ex, then I would say it was a dumb mistake, as you hadn't fully formed a bond with Lilly. still not good, but it does lend itself towards the question of what changed between you and Lilly? This could be something to bring up long down the road IF she ever asks.
2. Dates 4-5, that is getting more questionable. You would need to do a lot of soul searching as to why you made this mistake.
3. After 5? Spare her and end things.

I think you have to be honest with yourself about your motivations for having sex with your ex. Also what changes do you want to make for you, not just for Lilly, but deep down for your future.

All of that said, I think the only one who can really decide is Lilly, a bunch of random people on the internet don't know what Lily thinks is best for her. You could even ask her the question rhetorically if you have to.