Jump to content

saluk

Platinum Member
 View Profile  See their activity

  • Posts

    2,161

  • Joined

  • Days Won

    1

 Content Type 

Everything posted by saluk

  1. saluk
    Day 24/Day 25 What triggered this latest need to break away - she finally showed signs that she has moved on, or at least is getting there. I've done some soul searching the last few days, especially thinking about the girl I'm dating now, and come to a different conclusion about my feelings than what I had thought initially. I think it's more of a jealousy that she might be feeling again what we felt at the beginning of our relationship; something I haven't felt since. It was just so easy for us to fall in love - we kept running into each other at places and neither had any big intentions, but everything worked so well and clicked into place right when we both were open to it. It was so easy, and fun, and exciting... and I still feel held back like some part of me is unable to feel that again. So seeing her in the BEGINNING of something, yeah it made me jealous. But it's not really about her or me still being in love with her. It's the part of me that I still feel like I'm missing, something that I lost in that experience, that even with everything else I've gained, I'm not sure I will ever get back - that's what makes me sad. All the dates I've been on have left me wondering if that experience, that connection I'm looking for, is closer or further away. It sure feels far away right now.
  2. saluk
    Day 23 Last night sucked. I don't know why. Read a facebook post by a mutual friend and managed to read all of the comments to the post except the comment She made. My eyes just went right past it I don't have an urge to read it. To infinity and beyond.
  3. saluk
    Day 22 One of my friends who is helping me with this stuff said he's proud of me. I'm not sure what for. For not talking to my friends because she is near them? For avoiding being a friend to someone I still care about? For dating someone who I don't carry about and staying emotionally distant while doing so? Not depressed. Just don't like where I am right now. Have to remember to hope for better times, and stay strong through the hard ones.
  4. saluk
    I know how different it can be on the inside, but from the outside I can't see why you would want to go back to him - or why you are even interested in looking at his dating profile. Missing from your list of negatives is how badly he treated you when you tried to end things, and how much he disrespected everything you told him you wanted. When you wanted him to try to connect, he was avoidant. When you wanted him to stay away, he harassed you. He's still leaving voicemails? Stay on track.
  5. saluk
    Day 19/20/21 Somehow it's getting harder again instead of easier. Went on another date on Saturday, but I feel so emotionally distant it's hard. It was good, but I just don't feel able to push past into anything more than just hanging out. So I'm left trying really hard not to compare where we are on the third date to where I was with Her on the first. I want that again. But I know enough by to know that it's going to be something I have to be patient with in growing into. It won't happen like that again, because I'm not able to let my guard down and be swept away. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. As long as she keeps accepting my terrible date ideas, I'll keep making them happen. Maybe she has walls too. The concert is this weekend. I should probably just get out of it, but I don't want to. I always get stuck between saying goodbye to things I like that are attached to Her in some way, and leaving myself open to the attachment continuing. I wouldn't dump her brother as my best friend, I wouldn't leave my church where I have been able to grow so much, and I keep joining things that she is a part of. I just feel like the only way to really escape 100% would be to actually make a real move... and I'm still not yet prepared to do so. So. The concert. I'm taking my sisters, and She'll be in the audience with her sister - who was asking today where we are sitting. It's possible I will have an encounter there, but there will be so many people around, it might not be a big deal. The key point I think, is to not do what I have done in the past - seek to create an encounter and then be either happy that one happens, or disappointed when it doesn't. I will avoid it if I can, but otherwise try to bend in the wind. Focus before then is on why I am trying to move on. What I am looking for will not be found here. All of the gold that was in that rock has been mined. The gold was very shiny! But there is no more gold in this vein. I can keep hitting the rock, but it's just going to wear me out, with nothing to show for it. Time to make the expensive but worthwhile process of moving the equipment to the next mountain - one that will have an even greater yield.
  6. saluk
    Day 17/18 I missed her a bit again yesterday. is wrong with me seriously. I think I posted about her yesterday and that brought up some of the old feelings again. Bringing her up in other enotalone posts is dangerous, but she's the only real experience I have. Ok, time to put it all away again. My life now is great. So much better than it was when we dated. So much better than it was afterward when I still had hope to get her back. She's not the One. She's merely the first. I have hope in my current dating life. The future is more important than the past, and the present is forming me in a way to enable that future. I want to be free. I am free. I'm open to whatever opportunities God brings me.
  7. saluk
    Day 16. Texted date girl, we had a little bit of back and forth. No plan for next date yet. Ex? Ex who?
  8. saluk
    I commented on a FB post by a mutual friend that She also commented on. But I wasn't replying to Her, and I was glad with the interaction with the friend. I'm not going to call it since there was no direct interaction (and any system there is, I will try to game it!) So.... Day 15. Nothing much to report. Spending most of my time wondering when/if I'm going to call/text date girl and what I might say. The ex is becoming a shadow again, but I've been here before and the wind can change at any time. Hold fast.
  9. saluk
    Day 14. Half way there. Yay. None of the people I usually talk to at church were there today, so I just left real quick so I wouldn't run into Her. I didn't look at her much during church, though I'll admit I did glance once to see who she was sitting with. But later, I was looking in her direction and had forgotten that's where she was sitting, so she wasn't at the forefront of my mind. Church itself was actually really good - and useful - for where I am. It's easy to pick up burdens that aren't mine to carry when God is there waiting to take them. I'm actually feeling pretty hopeful in general. Also, in other news, I've been on 2 dates with this other girl and she was finally ready to give me her number (she wouldn't give it to me right away as she said she's had trouble from giving it out on the site before) - and still wants to hang out again. I'm still really guarded, and I think we are both pretty shy, but I don't feel like running away like I have all of the other times I've tried to date since the ex. I'm going to give her 20 hours of time (not including passive things like movies) before I try and analyze things too much. Just going with the flow. The next week of NC should be fairly quiet, as I am not really worried about running into her around my apartment (it hasn't happened yet). I think the NC has been the most useful for the jealousy part of the situation, when I see my neighbor I don't have the immediate urge to slap him How did you feel afterwards? Sometimes accidentally losing no contact can be a good way to test how you are doing.
  10. saluk
    Day 13 Dating. I don't know how I feel about it. Part of the problem is I am fairly certain I won't feel those sparks the same way that I felt them for Her. Certainly not as soon in the dating process as I had. I mean, we grew up together. We were already past all of the barriers that people can put between each other. When I am dating new people... the barriers are many. I am fairly guarded in general, but even moreso I think when it comes to opening up in this way. Maybe I'm just not ready. But after this long... I should be ready. Anyway, I was on a date for 4 hours and it wasn't terrible. So that's good? I inadvertantly saw a picture of Her on FB (someone elses share, and it was even mistagged as a different someone else) and stopped scrolling longer than I would like. So that's bad? But I didn't click 'like'. Tomorrow is another D-Day. 2 weeks of no-contact, and another chance to attempt not to run into her. I feel more ready than I have been.
  11. saluk
    I guess I'm the only one here now? Day 11 Yesterday I had a team event for work, and I walked to the event. A good portion of that walk was along a road I haven't walked in a while. The last time I walked that stretch of road was 2 days after she broke up with me. It was one of the lowest times in my life. Remembering it didn't make me feel bad now, but it made me remember how she had made me felt. Why would I want to try to have a close relationship with someone who made me feel that way? It was a good reminder. Still... Day 12 Today my sisters are at another party she will be at. I loaned them one of my games to take. Even though I won't be there, I find myself imagining what Her face will look like when my sister says, "and here is the game we will play that I'm borrowing from my brother". Weird thought I have another date, so... whatever.
  12. saluk
    Day 10 Nothing particular to report. I went a couple blocks out of my way when walking home to avoid the building she works at. It's not really an issue, because I have been walking by there on my route for 2 years and not once have we crossed paths. But all in the name of wider-than-necessary boundaries to make Her an unimportant part of my life. Definitely thought about Her a lot less yesterday. Still setting up a second date, not particularly feeling it, but not particularly not feeling it either If nothing else it's a good use of my energies toward moving forward rather than probing around in the past trying to resuscitate the dead.
  13. saluk
    Day 9 Another dream, which set me off a bit. 2 parts of the dream: me and her crossed paths and she said hello to me really loud, trying to get me to talk as I would not respond to her. Second, I heard a party going on at the guys apartment, and the door was open. I was tempted to go in and say hi, but instead I just went in my room. Lol. I'm no contact even in my dreams! During my shower this morning I instinctively went to that place, thinking about Her, the situation, started coming up with things I would say if she ever asked me why I'm not talking to her. Stupid stuff. I opened my eyes and saw what looked like a spider in the corner of my eye climbing down the shower walls. My skin crawled. Then I realized it was merely the shadow of my fingers. I was LITERALLY jumping at shadows. It was a neat picture of the shadows that I am metaphorically jumping at. Taking it one day at a time, as life comes. I'm only going to jump at reality, and stay out of my head.
  14. saluk
    Just remember. The two of you had problems communicating while within the relationship structure. He had some issues that you could feel were there, but didn't know the whole shape of them. Now that you are outside of the structure, anything goes. You are seeing more of the shape of the problems that were already there - and being cut lose is known to bring out the worst in even more well adjusted people. You don't need to be connected to this broken person who is scrambling to deal with the realities he's facing. It won't make things any easier for either of you. I think underneath the mess there is a good person in there... but you weren't able to bring that out of him as hard as you tried when things were GOOD between you.
  15. saluk
    Day 8. Well, my sisters had a lot to say about the party, but I was able to steer the conversation away from Her. There were some things that happened at the party (just normal friends stuff), not directly related, that I was even able to help talk and pray through with my sisters. I definitely had the urge to ask about Her, how she is doing, if they found it if she is really dating *that guy* or not... but I told them not to tell me anything and they didn't. It's for the best. I took a look and 30 days of NC is up the DAY that we will be at a concert together. So I think that will be a good test time. 3 more weeks and I think it's possible I will be back to normal, which is where I was towards the beginning of the year. I didn't think about Her much today so far. I have to keep in mind a thought I had yesterday - She doesn't deserve to be a high priority in my mind or my life. Why do I allow Her to be at the center? She sits on my throne. It's not healthy to me - and She doesn't even know that she is there! All of you who struggle with NC, think about that. Who are you putting at the center of your world - do they deserve to be there?
  16. saluk
    Day 6 Had the date the night before. Weirdly I found out from talking to the date that I had been on a similar first meet with her sister a couple years before. That's online dating for you eh? But, despite some awkward silences it went OK and we made plans to meet again the next day and hang out at the local festival. That was today, day 6. But we ended up not connecting, because the festival was crazy, it was too hot, and she left early with a migraine so we didn't try for long. I didn't think about Her much on this day, I was just too busy. Staying busy is good. Day 7 Sunday. Church. Her. It was pretty difficult to keep no contact, not difficult to execute, but it just felt... stupid? Mean even. There were people there that I wanted to socialize with but could not do because they were socializing with Her. I also felt kind of silly. What did she do to me really? Just because she has ignored me a lot, why should I ignore her? But I know it's best for me - and probably best for us - and that I need to get to a more balanced place before I relax a little. The boundaries may feel silly, but if I treat it like an exercise maybe I will grow to be more in tune with where they actually SHOULD be. Next challenge... Her and my sisters are hanging out at a party today. To keep this up I have to not ask my sisters how she is doing when I see them. Challenge accepted I also should probably try and meet the date again sometime soon.
  17. saluk
    Day 5 Hanging out with the exes sister and my family went fine. We dropped her off at her apartment she shares with her sister and I felt OK about it. I didn't overhear anything really about the ex, just one comment that wasn't about anything immediate. Most important, I didn't have any sudden urges to ask her how the ex is doing, or who the ex is with (I don't even know if she is interested in the guy that started this train of thought or if they are just friends!) When this started two weeks ago I almost felt like this was as bad as when she first left me. It's not. During the week I get back to relative calm. It's just those jealousy pangs that hit when I see them together! Hopefully not talking to her will help that subside. I will know again in a couple days if this is really helping or not. For today, I have a date, so no time to think about it really... If it goes well it will probably help. If it doesn't go well... we'll see.
  18. saluk
    Day 4 Was going through some old archived text conversations with her, and my best friend from in the past. Ostensibly to delete them as a ritual, but of course I end up reading a lot of it. Kind of eye opening. These are all post-breakup, during the strange will-they/won't-they cloud that has followed us the past couple years. A cloud so ripe that others have noticed it. But one of the interesting ones was a text where I remember her saying she had a hard time being friends with me because she still wasn't sure how she felt about me. I gave her space then, but I also in the back of my mind used that text as evidence that she still might carry a torch and come back. Reading the text now, in context with our conversation, it comes accross more that the break-up and following events were just uncomfortable and she wasn't sure how she felt about friendship with me. Some of the conversations I had with my friend (her brother) were a bit telling as well. He filled me in on a couple of the things she said about my behind my back. I do remember some of these and remember that hearing them upset me at the time... but my selective memory tuned them out. Some of the post-breakup things that offended her were just plain silly. She was mad at ME that when someone asked me if I was hurt about breaking up; I answered truthfully that I was. It's good to remember some of these immaturities for what they are, somewhat away from the emotional stew I was in at the time, in order to stay focused on the mature, kind, and loving future bride that I hope to find someday. And notice that her maturity level hasn't really changed a whole lot. Maybe this new relationship will be an opportunity for her to grow up a little more? I am feeling like I might be OK to go to the retreat with her. The further I shed the old feelings that I thought I had lost, the more I realize how immaterial they are. It's still more than a couple weeks away. Though I still have like 200 questions I would ask her if we found ourselves stuck at the bottom of a well waiting for rescue. I want to get to the point where I don't even care for an explanation about anything. I see her sister today. Family gathering. I will keep NC by not asking her anything about the ex. Shouldn't be too hard. The worst thing is just that feeling that I might run into the two of them at any time. When I hear him come up the stairs I wonder if she is out there with him etc. I kind of have an urge to just stand on the steps and watch lol. Stupid. I don't need to know if she is there or not or what is going on with them. I need to accept the situation whatever it is. Still working on that.
  19. saluk
    Day 3. Last night I went for a walk and kept thinking I was going to run into her. With her and my neighbor so buddy buddy it's not that far of a possibility. I think it's OK to anticipate it, so that I am not thrown off guard, but it's probably not healthy to be spending so much energy while at home thinking about it! I did have an urge to check her instagram yesterday, and went a few steps into that. Though I have her blocked, I can look at some of our friends pages that we have in common to see if she has posted anything there. There was nothing to find, but it's the kind of behavior I need to cut off. Today I am a bit better. No dreams that I can remember. I can put it out of my head for the most part during the day when I am not at home. I know I will be fine, as I've been fine before. So weird how some of these feelings came back - the chemistry between us is too strong and unpredictable. Not the kind of thing to build a life long relationship on. And that's the only kind of relationship I want to try for.
  20. saluk
    So sorry that he acted this way. It may have helped you make the decision to end it, but it sure didn't make anything about what went down easy. It sounds like his antics are already cooling and he is going to back off. If not, block him. It's for the best for both of you, the only way you could have worked is if he were a completely different person. How are you feeling?
  21. saluk
    Going to start this, as well as maybe using it as a mini journal of my feelings. Me and my ex have been in a will-they/wont-they state of getting back together for a while now. We've been friends, and I've been fine with that and moving on; but I heard some rumors, gossip, and saw a change in body language a few months ago that pointed to her thinking about me again. I chose to see those things as rumors and gossip, and not read anything into the signs; but I think deep down those things helped to move me from a moved-on state of mind to a what-if state of mind. A month ago or so there was another change in her behavior, and she has stopped being friendly with me; meanwhile she is hanging out with another guy a lot and my inkling is she likes him and they will soon be dating (if they aren't already dating in secret). I really believe that it's time for me to grow up and find someone who is worth marrying. Someone who is kind, more mature, and more loving. Which means I have to do some major work to make sure I have let this go. I really believe things could have been different... I think we could have been good friends without any attraction. Or we could have actually reconnected and had a healthy relationship. But our paths have now diverged for good, and I need to accept that, and put up stronger boundaries. Thing is, I still see her often, we are on a team, and seeing her and the other guy is bringing up feelings of jealousy that I didn't think I was able to experience in this situation anymore. So I will have to come up with a plan going forward to have as much NC as possible. My plan is to be professional only, and only communicate with her if I am required to. I've deleted her number and all social network connections. It sucks that it has come to this, but maybe it's for the best. I am on Day 2, Sunday being the last day I saw her when I finally realized that our friendship was simply not workable any longer. Our team has a retreat in August. I am going to have to decide whether to go or not. Right now, I think if she is going I will abstain. I'm also looking to move out in the next month (the other guy is living in the apartment next to mine... yeah.) The worst are the dreams. Before this happened I had not been dreaming about her at all. Now I am tossing and turning at night and having dreams of her and him. Actually, last night I dreamed of ME hanging out with him and going drifting and having a good time; so perhaps my bad feelings will blow over after some time and I get used to the idea. I will reexamine where I am after 30 days. I have a date on Friday. I'm looking forward to it. Through all of this I've been dating other people and working on moving on - and I kind of think it may be time to double down on that and put more effort into both self-improvement and meeting other people.
  22. saluk
    From 1000 miles away... yeah you are the common denominator in walking away... but it sounds like you wait far beyond the sell-by date in most of these instances, making the ending more difficult, and increasing anxiety about the endings. I can't believe I'm advocating this, but maybe if you practice leaving at the first sign of trouble rather than after getting buried in trouble you would keep yourself more open for something that might actually be right, instead of trying to make not-right work? And also make endings not as big of a deal. From everything you've said here, you are not the reason this relationship is not working. A passive aggressive guy who can't communicate and is in no way your equal is not something that you can work with and turn into a great relationship. There have to be guys out there who are actually willing to work with you rather than against you?
  23. saluk
    If the new guy is for real I hope you guys can be happy. In a way it's nice to see you try and move on after all this time. Maybe seeing you like this will help me as I try to move on. However I fear that you are just toying with him - or the other way around, and I hope that you are careful, especially with your feelings. Because he is such a popular guy, are you sure this is worth the drama that might ensue? I can see it going very bad very easily. I mean just look at his track record. And yours. But I really do hope that this is for the best for you. Just remember that you are worth it. Don't sacrifice yourself, your ideals, your personality, your character just so that others like you. Be the best you that those of us who really know you know that you can be. But, I have no part in that. And that's OK. You have to explore this side of yourself as well, and I will continue exploring some of the new sides of myself that you helped open in me all those years ago. To true love, may we each find it.
  24. saluk
    Isn't it cool that we were lovers for so little time, and yet we will be ex-es for life?
  25. saluk
    We broke up 3 years ago, and this is about the week that it happened. I've had the best breakupversary week so far, without feeling any attachment to you at all. Why do I still dream of you? And in the dream, I am devastated that you are with another guy. I wake up from the dream almost in tears, and when I return to sleep the dream continues from where it left off, having to see you and him around even more, and further along in your relationship. It's really weird that my brain is still going there - especially since in real life you HAVEN'T moved on. You haven't even really dated anyone since me, while I've gone on many dates and tried to give it a chance. I'm almost there, but something in me keeps pulling back. I know we no longer have a connection and I don't want you back. I know that in a few days, or maybe even later today, the dream emotions will fade and I will be back to my happy stable self. I just wish that I didn't have to deal with the echoes of desire for you that are still hidden inside me. And in a weird way, I hope that you also will be able to find a way to move on, as you have in the dream. We both deserve to be happy.
×
×
  • Create New...