saluk
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Everything posted by saluk
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Drive Me Crazy. Gotta love the goofy 90s. Underneath the cheesy romantic comedy framework there were a few insightful things, though I don't remember them now
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Many people give out the "move on" advice out of wisdom and from a positive place rather than a negative one. It's true that sometimes couples who have broken up get back together. It's also true that many of those couples really should not get back together and are bad for each other. And the reason they are able to get back together is not because they truly love each other and are a good match, but because both of them are lonely and afraid of being on their own. For sure, every circumstance is different. I think the danger, and what I see a lot of in people writing in, is the idea that they CAN'T move on, or that life is not worth living if the other person is no longer a part of it. This is a pretty normal emotion, but it's not true, and it's worth trying to at least steer people in a direction toward true rather than false hope. True hope being, they will find a way to heal, and can be happy again - even if the person does not ever take them back. False hope being, the dumper made a mistake and is someday going to change their mind. People do move on even after absolutely crushing circumstances. And that is powerful to me, and those of us who haven't been able to reconnect find hope in that spirit. But everyone is on their own path, and in different circumstances. At the end of the day we do what we must, like me continuing to go to the same church while my ex dates someone else and loves to show him off to everyone. He's like a trophy, something she uses to validate that she is worth something. Ugh I can say that it's made me stronger, but sometimes I think actually leaving and getting real no contact may have helped me to recover quicker. Learning how to let go of being in control is probably the most valuable thing you can ever learn. Because there are so many things that are not in your power. I like that perspective Improving123. Try to make a positive impact where you can, but understand that the outcomes will always be what they will be and aren't up to you to decide.
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"If I don't have sex I am in essence saying I don't trust him." You DON'T though. And it's not wrong to not yet be ready to trust him on this point. And it's OK to keep seeing someone you may not yet trust. And it's OK to think you are ready to have sex, get some new information that bothers you, and decide to go back and say maybe you aren't ready anymore. Everything is OK. You have to be honest with where you are.
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3 weeks off church, 1 week back. I was fully prepared yesterday to have it be my last Sunday there. I just don't want to have to worry about dealing with this stuff anymore. And I've had a couple of rough days emotionally, feeling very alone etc. I basically told God, the night before "OK, unless you change something in me, this is my last day at church" Then I had some pleasant dreams during the night, woke feeling refreshed, and went to church with pretty much no negative emotions and had a great time with all of my friends. Even walking in, her grandparents were randomly there (they live pretty far and have only been there a couple times before). I was kind of wondering if there was going to be an announcement or something (such as an engagement). Even that thought didn't really bother me. I still pretty much kept my distance, but I didn't feel awkward about doing so. So, huh. I dunno. Going to keep playing it by ear, but I feel over it again. Thanks God and thanks for those 3 weeks away. I'm sure there will be more rough days ahead, but I know I can push through.
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Hunger Games: Final Slaughter Ugh, no. How quickly a really promising series collapsed under it's own weakly structured ideas.
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Improving123: People who expect you to just not have feelings anymore clearly don't know what you are going through. That's why we have these forums to turn to. The pain of losing a relationship is crap... but part of what makes a relationship valuable IS the fact that it can be lost. Anything that has value has value because it can so easily be taken away. That's the dilemma we all have to deal with, in all of life. I think you will get to the point of wanting to try again. Being your first relationship is a big part I think of why it has been so hard for you. Don't be ashamed for how you feel no matter how other people say you should be. I don't think the most important part of no contact is to have a chance at reconciliation. In most cases, I think that NOT going no contact will ruin whatever chance there may be, but that's about as far as it really goes. You can't go back in time but you can go forward. Keep giving him less and less of your thought-time. Blabla: Oh thinking about the future is the worst. Time helps, but seasons and anniversaries will bring you back. Don't see it as a setback, but as another wave you have to crest. You have a great future ahead once you start feeling more settled. You weren't content, but imagine what that might be like. You can still have that with someone someday - real contentness. Don't fear the future, embrace it! Me: I have had to turn my comment card to not happy one day. I don't remember which day, the past couple weeks have blended together so. Not for any particular reason. I missed church for the third time in a row and it's good I think to not see them. I haven't added on FB, I'm thinking no now. I don't feel very strongly about it to be honest. I think I am just a bit stuck in my life, and the sadness I feel isn't really that related to my ex anymore. I'm trying to figure out what to do next, but have nowhere to go. My job is easy and supports me well enough, so what's next? I mean, besides finding a wife, right? I've been messaging some girls but feeling pretty lackluster about both what's out there and my ability to actually connect with people. I'm pretty happy most of the time being alone. Except for the whole lonely part
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lje1994 - I actually think it's quite classy to break NC for such a reason, as long as she doesn't know you went for a cyberstalk afterward. Get back on the train though, and keep chugging one day at a time. Heh, reminds me of the little engine that could. IthinkIcanIthinkIcan... Sorry to hear that rlhuk. What's happened? Another update from me. Her sister's FB had a tagged update about a holiday thing she did with her sister and her bf. It was cute. I hit 'like.' Yesterday, I shared a funny video, and her bf hit 'like'. Starting to think again about refriending her and moving from NC to LC. It's smaller in my mind when I'm not trying so hard to avoid her actually. When you are so connected to your ex by threads you refuse to cut, while there are times where you need NC - I don't know if it can be a forever thing. I'm just going to go with the flow. This is random, but I found a comment card from some device I bought. It's an interesting card, that says "happy?" on one side, and "not happy?" on the other. I've put it on my desk with the "happy?" side facing forward. When I get up in the morning and look at it, I decide if the answer to that question is yes or not. If the answer is no I will flip the card to the other side. I haven't had to flip it yet
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Lost Highway. Lynch sure has a way of making his movies impossible to understand. The harder you try and piece it together, the less sense it makes!
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Thanks for the advice to block... but I think that just puts a band-aid on it really. When they get engaged I'll still hear about it. I will see her across the room showing off the ring to her friends. When she is pregnant I will know. I will see the bump. Our lives are too enmeshed to put my head in the sand. Getting distance has been good and necessary, but I need a slightly more comprehensive strategy now than just "it's not happening, it's not happening". We aren't fb friends, and I rarely go look at her page, and I've unfollowed many mutual friends. So it's really on me if I see this stuff. But... I'm actually glad I saw that yesterday, it lets me know where I am a little more clearly. And I was able to work through it a bit - it didn't ruin my whole day or anything. I'll keep thinking about how best to relate to this situation. A year ago I got to the point where I accepted we aren't a good match. Similarly, I need to find a way to accept that she has found one? It's really not about me. I think when I make it about me (see above, "she didn't think I was great enough?") I am being unfair both to her as an independent person, as well as selling myself short. I was really great! And we didn't quite work. And he is also really great - I've met him, I like him, and though I worry about some things with his past and her ability to stick with it... in general I approve. Maybe they will fit in a way that we didn't. And that doesn't say anything bad about me, or my ability to fit with someone else. And to fit even better.
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I was reading some of my other threads and saw a post from earlier in the week about how I had finally moved on. But in that post I had mentioned a dream I had had, and I realized I've been having dreams of her almost every night this week. It's really weird, and I think that led to my, "I wonder if she's posted anything funny on facebook lately" snafu of this morning. I have learned how to stop my thoughts during the day. And honestly, most of the time it's not even a skill I have to employ. I think about so many random things during the day, there really isn't any room for her to come up. I even think about other girls before her. But during the night. How do you stop the dreams? The weird thing is how rarely I have had such dreams. Last nights was the worst, we all found out she had become pregnant and they quickly got engaged! See above about how I want this to happen so it's over with lol.
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Spectre Best Bond in years. If you generally like the Daniel Craig movies you might not like it - it calls back much more to earlier films. I haven't liked the Craig films since Casino, so it was a breath of fresh alcohol-smelling air.
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F me. I caved and looked at facebook. I hate that damn site. She just connected with his dad and he's thanking her for making his son "a happy boy" and she says "he's a great man". Just get married and have kids already so I have no more things to dread. Yeah I know it's my own damn fault. I WANT them to be happy. I just... still hurt I guess that she didn't think I was great enough. I know it's not that simple. Trying to bounce back again. I'm already doing a bit better a couple hours later. Next time I'm going to post on here before I look. Maybe that will stop me.
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Good luck rlhuk! I hope it goes well. Don't forge whatever lessons you may have learned in the time apart.
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Post here instead of contacting your ex!
saluk replied to Nynnja's topic in Healing After Break Up or Divorce
I think I'm finally there. At least I think I am. Last night I had a sex dream of you. Normally that would really affect my day. It didn't. I forgot about it in 5 minutes after I woke up. I wouldn't feel weird refriending you on facebook - but I also am OK if we never speak again. I wouldn't want to interfere in your life - which I hope is going splendidly. Thanks for the memories and lessons! -
Number of days no contact is hard to count now. Although talking with her boyfriend kind of counts as breaking it as far as my emotional state. Still, a week later after that I'm doing better. Always best to focus on and get involved with something else. Build a new country that doesn't include your ex, and if you can manage to immigrate there then they can no longer affect you.
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Yes it will. 15 more days! Pretty soon it will be the holidays. That can be hard too, but at least you won't have to see him for a while.
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If you know you would go back to him if he let you, you need to be even more militant no contact and stay away, since you believe that you aren't good for each other (the first thing you said). Like an alcoholic: "I KNOW I'll get drunk again if I go to the bar" - so why are you hanging around in bars?
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Should and shouldn't aren't going to have any effect on your feelings right now. It doesn't matter that you are not together anymore... the shadow of your time together and how you would have felt seeing him sleeping with someone else during that time is going to stick around for a while. You need to have less contact than this. I disagree strongly with Lindorie. Feeling lonely sucks, but finding other people to hang out with would be very wise. You can still see these people occasionally - but not when he's around. If you have to feel lonely for a bit while you heal from your attachment, that may be what you have to do. You can think of it like if you had broken your arm. Yes, it sucks that you can't use your arm for the 6-weeks or whatever that it's in the cast. But if you don't put it in the cast, you risk losing your arm permanently. In this analogy, every time something like this condom incident happens, you extend the amount of time it's going to take before you are healed and in a place where you can really move on. Sorry you felt this. That really sucks. Of course, having a condom doesn't mean he's going to use it or he has actually slept with someone yet.
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I seen ntAgainPetunia. The words do say that. But the actions are different. Today was hard The new guy unprompted came and chatted with me before church. It wasn't a group situation, he saw me working the booth and came to say hi. He is fun to talk to... but emotions. I still don't know if he knows "who I am" so to speak. Anyway, it put me off guard to where I was really upset to see them hanging on each other later. I try not to look, but I'm running the camera and seeing everything that's going on. He seems like he might be interested in running camera - I may see if I can get him on the team. I'm going to ask him next week. If we had more people on the team, I would feel better about potentially leaving, as it is everyone is wearing many hats and kind of overworked. Wouldn't it be something for the person causing me pain to be my ticket out of it! No contact is great when I can get it. I was feeling pretty good yesterday!
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ntAgainPetunia: Erm, it sounds like she wants you to leaver her alone. Keep up the no contact challenge and let her find herself. Maybe after, she will come back a new person who is actually able to be with you. And maybe by then you will both have become new awesome people who actually no longer need or belong with each other. I see some of my ex in yours, although who knows because everybody is different. But we had similar conversations about the difficulty of being friends. She still never reversed the decision, and now, 3 years afterward, has finally found someone else to date. I don't think she really did learn how to be alone, and has taken up with him as another security blanket... kind of like she used me. I worry that they aren't going to last long, and he's going to be hurt by her, and she's going to become depressed again at yet another thing she really expected to work out and be the answer falling apart. All of the friendship, the dialog we have had, the funny little encounters, have amounted to me holding on a lot longer than I should have. It doesn't mean your situation is the same, but since you are so early on, I would really recommend giving no contact a bigger shot. I think if I had not waited so long to really commit to it that I might have gotten over things quicker and ACTUALLY gotten to a place where we COULD be friends and hang out at church, without so many awkward ties to the past. But who knows. You gotta do what you gotta do in the end. Anyway... I will probably see her tomorrow. I skipped church last week because I didn't feel like running into her, and it turns out she didn't go anyway. Just going to keep reminding myself I don't need this nonsense, and there is a better girl out there for me. I actually imagined us talking while I was walking somewhere, and I went through a bunch of scenarios. I really come to a full realization that there is no positive benefit that can ever come from us talking to each other. Now or ever, really. Every scenario in my head, no matter how I approached it or what I said, ends in either tears or awkwardness. And I've really had enough with that. So I'm going to keep no contact, for now, and forever. Well, just after I go check her facebook page one more time... I'm such an idiot.
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Of course she cares. But I don't see how she could have been any clearer that she doesn't think you two could ever work. If she blamed you, than that means that there would be a chance - if you could fix what you did wrong, then maybe it could work out. If she did something wrong, then she could work on that and you could have a chance. The way she frames it, it's like the break up was meant to be. That's pretty much the opposite of what you want to see in a potential reconciliation. We always complain to not get closure, but then we miss it when it is staring us in the face. This is the best closure you are likely to get. Who knows, there may be a chance in the future to reconnect, but it's a big risk. I've had many of these kinds of little "encounters" with my ex, and all it has done is to help keep me from detaching, and fully being ready to move on. There was a texting session a few months after breakup where she was telling me she wasn't ready to be friends because it was too hard. With my emotions the way I read it was that she was still on the fence about how she felt about me and whether she made the right decision. But when i read the text again later while deleting my message history, it didn't read that way at all. It was more that she was uncomfortable with the way that I was still feeling towards HER. So beware of reading into anything here.
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ntAgainPetunia: it reads exactly like a closure - for both of you. The purpose is to leave her in the best position to move on, and of course you as well, because she cares enough to not want you to suffer. Not knowing that the contact is going to be confusing to you. You should not be puzzled. She has made it crystal clear that you both tried as hard as you ever could to work out - and it still didn't. She will never want to revisit things any more than this, and you can continue no contact and healing without wondering if there was something you could have done better to keep her around. And you should take it that way, as a positive thing. You aren't meant for each other - but you are a good person, and if you try as hard as you did with her with the right person, you will have success. ------------------------------- I've been poking around the net again. Not sure why. It's not really making me feel bad exactly - but there hasn't been much to find. I am finding it a bit strange that there is only ONE photo of the two of them together anywhere on the net. And that's the photo of them 2 weeks after they met that was posted on the relationship status update. I'm beginning to come to terms with her with this guy. But it's odd. She has had a fairly low social media profile for the last few weeks, he's been posting quite a bit, but they don't post about each other. He doesn't like her posts and she doesn't like his; or at least not very often. My ego says that all of those posts are tagged as friends only - her knowing that as a non-friend I won't be able to see it. But... she doesn't really strike me as the kind of person who would do that. It's a little too thoughtful, haha. If she IS doing it for my sake, I guess... thanks? I need to go read some of my previous posts where I said I was done with this nonsense. Ok. I'm done with this nonense. I'm going to bed and getting up tomorrow a happy single man again.
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I don't use whatsapp. Is there a way to block her on it? That's very cruel of her to complain about you ignoring her after all that she's put you through. Don't be mad at yourself.
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Year 1: Tickets to her favorite musical for her and her dad to go to Year 2: Card with her favorite animal Year 3: Edited film of a play she was in that I had filmed and had been working on putting together while we were dating Year 4: Nothing. Not even a FB happy birthday My advice: get to year 4 in faster than 4 years Day 51: Dido's white flag came on the radio. Stupid song.