saluk
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Everything posted by saluk
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You both were kettles boiling. You just happened to be the first to boil over. Cause and effect... when it comes to relationships which effect is the cause and which cause is the effect? You can never really know because everything builds on everything else. Go easy on yourself.
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I've gone through periods like that. But sometimes like today it actually was a way to push me into a different mode. This whole thing has been so weird for me. It's different than the girl who dates soon after they split, different than the girl who you lost contact with who you find is dating, and quite different from the breaking up. There were like 4 or 5 opportunities in the last 3 years that I know if I had pushed a little we may have had a second shot. But I would never have accepted a second shot that was not initiated by her, so I avoided it. I'm glad I did. She's changed so much. It's just really hard to accept the reality that that door may actually be closed for good. What it appears to be, what is, and what could be - three worlds all coexisting and mingling in the same place - yet only one is true. At some point they will coalesce. But until they do, it is hard for one to find anything to hold onto. Seeing the signs of romantic thoughts... brings out the "what is" (and maybe the "what it appears") a little more clearly at least.
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icantsay Aw that's rough! Are you going to post that elsewhere for more directed feedback? I'll say that the ultimatum was pretty tacky, and it sounds like he was pulling away and making you insecure long before the jealousy kicked in. That anger about moving to a new place... where did that come from? Liking cats? It sounds like he was having a personal conversation with the girl he was tutoring. Personal conversations can lead to more - and maybe he was hoping it would. He's a jerk who couldn't communicate with you like an adult. Enjoy your new job!
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Nowhere else to really put this so I'll put it here. It's halfway relevant as it is a bit of a breach of my not looking back policy. As expected, the day I stopped posting here was one of the better days, and some more rough days followed. Sunday is always the hardest, and set me back, but week over week there are certainly improvements. I just stalked her pinterest for like an hour catching up on all the old posts I missed while in no contact. There are a lot of pics about things on her bucket list, including many super romantic things (kissing in the rain, growing old with somebody etc). On her "likes" she is liking many quotes about love. (I feel so much better with you) At a high level it comes accross to me like if she is not in love with new-guy yet, she is definitely thinking about it. I think they have been together a month now. 1/5th the length of our flash in the pan relationship. Why does it still affect me? I feel sad. But knowing that she might be in love with him makes it a little more real, in a good way. If some guy can blow in off the street and sweep her off her feet one day, and they fall in love and are together forever... maybe love can happen for me again too someday. If their relationship is really happening, maybe I can actually learn to accept it and move out of denial.
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Trust me, you don't want a happy birthday wish! Not getting them sucks, but getting them is worse. Starts the whole thing up again. You don't want the memory to fade - you want the bad feelings that come up when you have the memory to fade. And it will! Stay strong. A little numbness is OK, and nothing to be afraid of.
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Day 24 - the last day I'm not officially ending no contact, but am going to stop posting here. Last week I gave myself until today to get over the latest cloud and move on, and now that this day has come I'm going to give it a shot. I feel ready to. When I think of her name, I'm going to replace it with another - the name of someone I haven't met, a celebrity, or even something totally different like a place or a concept. I'm going to give up the fear that I have that her new relationship will hurt her or the guy she is with. She has her own life to live, her own mistakes to make. As do I. I'm tired of being pulled in her direction, and then violently pushed away. I haven't found it yet, but like a rocket, I am breaking free of her planets gravity to search the stars for another world to orbit. I'm going to accept the sickening feeling in your stomach when you leave something behind, as I face the unknown full on. Going forward, I will not officially be no contact, but will maintain the most limited of contact possible. I will keep her blocked on social for the time being, because there is really no value in unblocking. I will continue mostly avoiding her at church, but will make an attempt not to avoid people I would normally talk to because of proximity. I'm going to get peace here if I have to fight to get it!
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Crossing paths, week after week. It's been hard. But I don't want her to beat me. I want to keep the friends, the home away from home, that this place is for me, and lose the pain that goes along with it. I feel like I've been close to having this dream several times. I've managed to keep my best friend through the whole thing, and every time I have been wrecked I have seen myself returns stronger than I was before. I've had plenty of success within the church, serving in ways that I hadn't even been able to before. It's outside, in the dating world that I have had a difficult time, and felt like she is still an anchor around my neck. And yet, before our relationship, I was not even IN the dating world. Day 22. Despite what looks like a couple of huge setbacks recently, things are always getting better. Returning focus on how to build rather than on what was lost.
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Yep, every time you push it back, it usually goes higher. Unless something triggers you and you go back down - but sometimes going back down actually means you have crested one mountain and are starting on a new one. Take heart about your vacation - even though you will probably think about her a lot, just the movement can be therapeutic. And when you later look back later at all of the things you managed to do without her (this vacation, along with other fun things in the future), it can be illuminating.
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Day 21, aka boulder meet face. Seeing them again was an interesting experience. In a way it was easier than last week, because last week I had just found out and it was so shocking. This week I was prepared. And yet, in some ways that shock can protect you from your emotions. None of that this week. After normal service where I ran the media expertly while not glancing over every 5 minutes to see how they looked, I went to the after service which is a second group that meets in our church. We were singing a song that has the lyrics "when I don't understand, I will choose you God" and it really hit me. I had to leave and go bawl in the bathroom for 10 minutes. Because I don't understand. I don't understand why she left me, when we were seeming to work so well. I don't understand why she is wanting to be friends some days, and others she is irritated that I exist. I don't understand why I still care one way or another. Mostly, I don't understand, why HIM. I obviously don't know him very well, and I'm clearly biased, but he seems so wrong for her. The other guy she was chasing at least made some sense. The new guy is so... straight. I don't think he's a good match. I'm worried that she's making a big mistake. Although I still love her, it's actually been some time since I had a real desire to get back together. The jealousy is going to be there a little, sure. But I want to see her happy. I would be getting ahead of myself... but she doesn't do anything halfway. The only outcome here is they end up married, or they will break each others hearts. I don't know if I can bear the latter, and that's where I would put my money. Maybe they will beat the odds. Still learning how to not need to understand. I think that's the main lesson in this whole affair that I am supposed to learn. Sometimes, understanding a situation, if you can, can help you find some peace with it. But the pursuit of answers that you will never find is surely a fools errand.
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Yeah dating during these troubling times is certainly problematic, but you never know what might happen in the future if you make some good friendships. They can open doors in surprising ways, and help you keep your mind off of your troubles for a time. Day 20, aka what a difference a day makes aka Sisyphus pushes the boulder up today and can't wait for tomorrow! I went to see an event we have in town, which was pretty cool. I didn't actually have tickets, but there is a lot going on because of it. I ended up at a meetup and kind of hit it off with some people - including some of the female persuasion. It was really fun and I think I have a crush (just a babby one)! I know probably nothing is going to happen with this, but crushes are something I have only gotten a few times since the split 4 years ago. None of the girls I've dated from OLD have made me feel this way. Maybe my feelings are recovering since the ex is definitely taken.* It's been a week since I found out, so of course it's been hard, but in the long run it will be for the best. And yeah, tomorrow I am almost positive that boulder will come back down and flatten me. One, I seem to crash after good days anyway, and two, I see them again! Time to gird up my loins.
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Welcome to the journey Younganddumb56. We're all in this together Day 19. Still kind of in my funk. I saw her yesterday. She had band practice at church, and I was working on the computer for the video equipment. It was a little weird hearing her interact with the other band mates. Something seemed a little off with her personality - but I was not too focused on her either, that's just from snippets that I overheard. I'm guessing she wasn't too thrilled that I was there. We didn't speak, obviously. We were on opposite sides of the room and never crossed. It was actually good. I felt a little better afterward than I did before. When we are apart, I am haunted by the version of her in my head. Both kinder to me, where it is influenced by my idealization of her; and less kind, where my mind plays tricks on me and makes her actions about hurting me, rather than what they really are. Seeing her in person, interacting with others... she's not either of those people in my mind, the devil or the angel. She's just a person. A person who I don't even really like anymore. I feel better today than yesterday. Still pretty down about life at the moment though. My passion is gone. I'm giving myself until next week to force myself out of the haze. I'm too tired to stay here. Life is too wonderful a gift to stay sad. But I know I need this time. To process. To deal with things so that they can finally be put to rest. Once and for all. 6 months from now, when she dumps this guy, I don't want to get reeled in again. Or when they get engaged. Or when she dumps him for someone else and quickly gets engaged to him Whatever happens. I may or may not still be around to see it, but if I am, I want to be in another place. Somewhere that my old feelings and ideas cannot reach.
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Nice, a 30 second cry. Crying can help sometimes. Day 18 Crying didn't help. I kind of crashed last night, had a pretty long cry and mope, and it's carried over a bit into today. I feel my hope (hope of moving on) kind of slipping away. I'm just a little overwhelmed. I want that good feeling from 2 days ago back! I ended up going to her fb page this morning to block it. Just to limit the temptation to pry.
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Dang rlhuk. That sounds really hard. At least in my case she never has explicitly said she still has feelings for me. I've only inferred it from things that, individually wouldn't mean a lot, but collectively point to a pattern. Good luck. I think you will get back to whatever state you were in before that happened a lot faster than it took you to get there before. You have shown a lot of strength in coming to the conclusion you have so quickly. What is the point in missing you if he's not going to give it another shot? That's too weak. Love should be stronger. It should be "I can't live without you by my side."
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Day 17 Skipped writer's group, and when my friend talked about hanging out, he meant in 2 weeks. I do want to start getting out there more... but all the things I enjoy I can do at home, which makes it hard to motivate myself. When I'm in a relationship then I DO have that motivation. I'm not one of those who will just play games all day by myself and barely talk to my SO and reject her when she wants to go out. But outside of one, I'm fairly content just playing games and watching netflix. I have a cruise coming up, so that is something new and different for me. I'll at least let myself off the hook until then. My feelings toward my ex... it's still weird, but I think I'm getting used to the idea of her having moved on. I still wish I hadn't seen that first pic image of them together as they announced that their 2 weeks of dating made them facebook official. That image is seared in my brain and makes me feel a bit negative and down when I think of it. But strangely, if I think of them together in other situations, I don't have that strong negative reaction. I know, weird right? Anyway I actually am already starting to feel kind of good about the whole thing. This will they or wont they, how does she really feel about me, will we ever get back together cloud that has been in our lives for almost 4 years was not great to live under. With her locked down, I know that it's "wont they". While I had moved on in a lot of ways, the wondering had still been there holding me back. Maybe now I can really move on for good. At least, until she breaks up with this guy. The odds are pretty good for that But maybe by then I'LL be in a more secure place.
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I have seen the most straight-laced conservative folks put together the most outrageous and crude sets in that game! It really loosens people up lol. It sounds like you have a lot of fun things lined up. As long as life is good there is no real reason to make dating a priority - unless something comes up. Although I do worry sometimes about this very thing. I may have mentioned it before I don't remember. When i am feeling down, I have a hard time dating because I am kind of desperate and it really doesn't work. When things are going well on the other hand I don't feel like dating because I'm so busy and having a good time and don't really have much motivation. The only times I ever manage my profile or think about dating is in that in-between time, when I am just coming out of that desperation and moving into stability. By the time I've actually lined up someone, I'm not really into it anymore.
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Day 15. Had trouble sleeping. Had a ton of dreams of them together, just hanging out, talking dealing with stuff etc. Weirdly I was not actually present in these dreams. Maybe that's a message that I don't need to be a part of it, and to let them have their own time, their own story. I can get behind that. Did some poking around on okc, but I don't think I want to do that again right now. Saved/liked a few profiles, but like I said before, I don't want to just find someone to date as a reaction. I need to simmer down now. Possibly going to a writer's group tonight, either that or hanging out with my sister. Possibly hanging out with my friend tomorrow night.
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Just an update. I'm basically in no contact again, since the one time she talked to me. Little did I know how crazy things were going to get! At that very lunch where she made me break no contact and talked with me, there was a new guy who had come with the group just to meet new people. I got to know him a little and he seemed cool enough. Too weeks later... She and this new guy are facebook official. I'm really glad that I have been spending the last month or so trying to separate. It's just super bizarre that instead of ending up with the guy she was formerly pursuing, she starts pushing on this brand new guy who we all just met. It helps to have been prepping, but this is pretty hard to deal with. It lines up with the immature version of her that I've tried to keep in focus when I do think of her (though not spending very much time thinking of her in general). I don't want the kind of person who would just throw themselves into a relationship with some new guy because she's feeling lonely. It just smacks of the same bad decision making that ultimately ended our own relationship. I'm actually not terribly jealous of this guy, I hope it works out for them. Ultimately I want both her and me to find a way to be happy with someone (and not each other, because I don't believe in us anymore). So I hope that's where this is going to go. But... Not dating anyone for 4 years after me, because of how fast we moved, and how she thought she was in love with me but months later realized it was just infatuation, to see something so similar happening again... But it may turn out for the best. That's what I'm aiming for. As for me, I never contacted date girl again. I know. I've become that "Why won't he call" guy. But... she has never called me either. I think there is just not enough interest on either side. I guess I'll keep looking. After a little bit of time to get used to the latest development. We don't need to turn this into a competition lol. I don't want to get in the habit of pushing for dates with the wrong people as a reaction to something I saw Her do. Slow and steady. And back to no contact, seriously. It sucks, I kind of wanted to be friends with this guy. But I don't see how that can happen if he is always going to be around her, when things are so cold between us right now. But I don't know. Maybe after a bit of time I can get to know him a bit more. Sigh. He just friended me on facebook (2 weeks ago lol) and I already have to unfollow him. Because they are facebook official. And I found out about the relationship from his page. At least my 4 years of waiting and wondering if she will ever be able to move on is over. Edit: I think this is day 14 as of the lunch. I don't know what number I am aiming for. Something really high.
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Day 29/Day 1 Still not sure whether to count yesterday as a full blown breach. I should probably count it. I may have used my friend being there and the fact that they were all going to go to lunch together as an excuse to test myself. Just going to lunch at all was a breach. But then I didn't actually seek out connection with her while there. It was more about my friend. I guess what really matters is am I still keeping my focus on the right things, and keeping her out of my circle. I've definitely lost a little ground, but I don't think she's back in there either. Just a little closer to the fringe than I want. The barrier I am putting up is useful, but I wonder if I'm not letting it block me in other areas. I feel like I need to throw myself into other things a bit more and let myself be a bit more vulnerable. Not with her. But with friends and anyone I date. Maintaining the right amount is an interesting challenge. I forgot to mention that I DID have some fun texting with date girl during the concert. I'm going to call her this week for hopefully date 4.
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@Pikachu - yes both of those are very important! Leaving either door open is like having a breath mint after meals but never brushing or flossing your teeth. Your breath may stop stinking, but you are still going to get cavities.
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Good luck David, you can do it! It doesn't matter how much each of you guys means to her, you've got to mean enough to someone to make them forsake all others. Day 28/Day 0 Well... My friend showed up after church and I wanted to hang out with him. He was going to have lunch after with his family - of course including Her. I was feeling pretty OK (see previous posts) so decided to go along and see how it went. Standing in line for food, she asked me about the concert, and then later while sitting down, I felt I had to contribute some to the group conversation. Nothing bad happened of course, actually it was kind of nice. But it pulled my focus a bit toward her again. I need to pull away again. I know I'll feel better tomorrow. I actually still feel better than last Sunday. Just... I don't know. I can't describe how I feel on Sundays. Stuck. Nostalgic. Out of body. Oh well. Up and to the right.
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Day 27 NC has been a big help. Went to the concert. Fortunately she was on the other side of the stadium so I couldn't have looked at her if I wanted to, but I didn't want to. I was able to enjoy myself and not think about it. Will still see her at church tomorrow. There is a chance she will ask me about the concert (she knew I was there). But where before I would want to seek out such an encounter, I'm prepared for it but genuinely not seeking it out. I won't be disappointed if such an encounter doesn't happen. Technically "done" with the NC challenge in 3 days. I feel done now. Though the point of the challenge is in hope that you can continue it indefinitely without effort. Due to my situation I don't know if I will continue, but hopefully the attitude of staying detached and keeping proper boundaries will continue. I may keep updating here, because I don't necessarily want to start an actual journal that people are reading and commenting on, but typing my thoughts in here has really helped. Also it will keep this thread bumped!
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Day 26 Feeling good today!