saluk
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Everything posted by saluk
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I really need to change some things in my life, but then everything is threatening to change at the same time and it's making me overwhelmed.
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Can't Buy Me Love. I'm a sucker for cheesy 80's teen movies. This was another quite good one. The requisite dance scene cracked me up, Patrick Dempsey becoming a star, and a very young and obnoxious Seth Green! Also the lead actress Amanda Peterson just died last year, which was sad to hear.
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The days you feel like you will never hear from them are the good days. Your emotions trick you into thinking they are bad, but those are the days you are making actual progress. You are supposed to look forward to a time when you do not feel this pain. It will come. It will come. Trust that it will come.
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You're human! Attention, even sometimes from someone you don't like, feels good. Heck, sometimes the fact that you DON'T like them makes it better. Whatever he ended up being for you, there was something that attracted you to him, and you can always get caught up in old feelings. It's so easy. That's why you have to trust your brain and not your feelings. If your nervous system is going crazy, try to calm it down and not act until you think it through. I think you have a hard time saying no. Don't think of it as saying no or shutting someone down, but saying yes and turning toward someone else, a better future. I don't know if that's your current bf, but maybe it will help for now to put him in that position. Who do I like more, R or S? If you are even leaning toward S at all, turn toward S - and away from R. Leaving so many doors open... it's just another way of leaving the right door closed. Also, maybe the fact that S may be dealing with ex issues is prompting you to follow his lead here.
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When you get those urges, come write to him in the "post here instead of contacting your ex" thread and then come write in the no contact thread about how you are doing He is going to keep using you as long as he can. You gotta be strong!
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Her MOM sat me down at church, told me I shouldn't leave the church because she doesn't want me to just cover up my pain. She thinks I can heal. She's kind of right, as I have already healed. I think I am more healed than she realizes I am. I just want to go see if I can make more friends or meet a girl somewhere else. But it's kind of nice to know she still cares about me. She also thinks that despite the whole elopement mistake, that this guy was the right guy for her daughter to marry. Not a dig on me at all, she thinks that I would have been unhappy. She's right Very cool.
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Kingsman. Hilarious. Some boring parts and a pretty stupid plot, but good messy fun. A lot of my friends hated it and were offended, I didn't quite get it.
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I was helping my sister figure out her travel plans for a trip she is taking with her friends - including mrs. ex - when her flight was canceled at the last minute. I knew the ex was going to be there too at some point. She came in. I was my charming self, to everyone, helping my sister and everyone, and didn't mind her being there at all. I didn't feel drawn to her in any way. I didn't feel awkward. She may have, I don't know. Wasn't paying much attention. She spent most of the time engrossed in her phone. I hope they all have a lovely trip, and that her husband isn't too annoyed with her being gone for 2 weeks so soon after the marriage. I'm OK again! No need for "no contact" because that's just kind of a given. So goodbye again thread, you've helped me a lot!
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No contact is for you to get to a place where you don't care that she's with someone else. Because she's not a part of your life or your headspace anymore. You were doing well, go back to no contact and you will get there faster than you did before. You don't need her. She's not for you anymore. The fight to get her back was too hard, so you quit. That's the right thing to do. You shouldn't have to fight so hard to be with someone.
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9 days since hearing the news. It's been a rollercoaster. I don't think I can really call it NC, as I've been talking to everyone about it pretty much daily. Still processing the shock of it. Will be easing into NC soon, maybe already have. The mood swings are terrible. I'll feel absolutely fine at some times - to the point that I think I could go up and have a conversation with them if I saw them in the street with no hard feelings. And other times I feel really low, wishing that my life was different somehow. I'm not even sure HOW I wish my life were different. That she and I were together? Bleh, no. That the version I had of her in my head before we broke up still existed and were together? Gosh, I don't know. That I was with someone and able to feel about them the way I felt about her so long ago, without all of the mixed feelings that came afterward? I think that's getting closer to it. But I'm still not quite there I think. I'm giving myself till march to clean up myself. Somehow. And what that means I don't even know lol. I've started, I'm looking for a house. I think that will be a good project to occupy my mind and my time for a while, and might be a good thing to have when I find someone anyway.
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Post here instead of contacting your ex!
saluk replied to Nynnja's topic in Healing After Break Up or Divorce
I've been an idiot keeping you alive in my mind all this time. The back of my mind, but still. Fortunately I have finally had a revelation. Dunno what made me see it or why I never did before. But now you're nothing to me. I mean that in the best way possible. -
I've been up and down. Today... probably a little bit better. I had a walk around town, people watching. I got really lonely and nostalgic, but kind of a good kind. I was thinking about my own sadness, and what the future looks like for me, and how to deal with those emotions. I wasn't thinking about sadness in relation to her or what's going on in her life, I was thinking about it purely on my own. I think that's healthy. I hope anyway. And then I've sent a couple messages on OKC, and chatted with some people. I'm meeting up with an old friend next week. I just really don't want her to be married to him. It makes me kinda sick. Sometimes. Sometimes I think it's fine. They are still going to have a wedding in a few months, so there is that to look forward to. Barf, having a wedding when you are already married? It seems so weird to me.
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3 days post hearing the nuptial news. She's disrespecting her family and not even caring about it. Her parents are crying every day. Honestly, she's acting like a bratty rebellious teenager, at the ripe age of 23. She never went through a phase like that before, so I guess she felt she needed to do this to find herself. Meeting a guy, getting engaged after 4 and a half months, and then getting married a couple weeks after the engagement, and moving into his apartment? A single dad who has shared custody? And is in the air force and has to leave for 2 or 3 weeks every few months? Is she really happy to stay at home with his kid (and whatever kids they have in future) basically raising them by herself? I guess his income will be decent so there is that. It works for some people I guess. She's so not who I thought she was. When they revealed it at church (on the mic) the entire room gasped. "Hey guys, so remember a couple weeks ago when we told you about our engagement and you celebrated for us? We decided to skip the wedding and just go to the courthouse! Aren't you happy for us?" *Drops mic* So yeah, I've been having some pretty sleepless nights processing all this. But honestly, it's getting better. I felt OK to unblock them on facebook (not that I will be following or visiting their pages, but just symbolically). This whole process starting when she dumped me has taught me so much and how to be emotionally stable. After 3 days I'm at the point that took me 10 days to get to when they got engaged; 15 days to get to when she started dating him, 30 days to get to when I first realized she was over me and starting to pursue guys, and 6 months to get to after being dumped. I've got this guys. And I'm more sure than ever that I'm looking for a mature, stable woman, and that she is about as far away from that as you can get while staying within my absolute dealbreakers. Heck, I could probably loosen some of those dealbreakers and still find a better woman for me than she could ever be. She doesn't want me, I don't want her, it's all good. Except... I still want her to be happy. And I think she's made that very hard for herself with her decisions for. So that still makes me a little sad. For her and her family - not for me.
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Post here instead of contacting your ex!
saluk replied to Nynnja's topic in Healing After Break Up or Divorce
Why did you elope. Everyone was trying to support you in this relationship, even though we have suspicions and doubts that he is good for you. Then you go and do this? Sending a freaking text to your family members that they can come to the courthouse to witness you starting your happily ever after, "if they want to"? What is going on with you? What do you even see in him? Seriously. What do you see in him. How is any of this worth hurting your family like this. Especially your father. And your brother, who was unable to get away from work to make it down. And making your mother have to tap dance and try to get everybody to forgive you. I know you get tired sometimes with everyone thinking you are such a good girl who can do no wrong, but couldn't you have waited the 2 months you were going to wait for the big wedding that I know you have always wanted? Is this really the life you want to settle for? -
"So far he's bought me a blow dryer, flat iron, robe, pillow to keep at his house. . and various food items I like. Slow down Cowboy!! And no, I didn't bring up the subject of the future. . Didn't feel right given the time frame. " I mean, if he was testing you, it sounds like exactly the right time to say "hold on son, this looks like a test. What exactly is going on in that weirdly shaped man brain of yours, because it sure as heck isn't where my brain is yet. slow your roll!"
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I've been great at being alone for a while. I'd prefer not to date if I can help it. Except I'd really like to be with someone too, and Im trying to head in that direction. Update: it seems they decided planning a wedding is too hard or slow and decided to elope. Broke her family's heart, I never would have expected her to do something like that. I came close to sending either a "wth is wrong with you" or an insincere "congrats" message. Managed to get under control, but I have a sick feeling about him now. Part of my acceptance was that she was in the right place, but I have a hard time believing that now. I have to widen my acceptance bubble a lot. Still going to church tomorrow, but considering once again to leave. But then, I've conquered all before and am stronger for it. It's her life, se is free to make her own mistakes.
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Day ### Broke my own rules and FB stalked yesterday. Didn't hurt. Didn't feel anything. They don't post a lot. Probably too busy planning the wedding, right Not bothered. Honestly! My real issue is I'm still having trouble dating, and trying to figure out how to get myself in the right mindset. I'm not going back in the past anymore, but I don't know how to go forward. I just don't have the effort to put into it to reap any kind of reward. And every time I DO put in the effort, I get bored of the girl really quick and end it. I don't know. I'd really like to be with someone, but it takes a lot of time to get to the "being with someone" phase. And I'm still a bit afraid of being hurt again. Welcome to the club! Truly, you lost those things 2.5 years ago. It's just they were replaced with a zombie that kind of looked like your friend, and you kept him chained in the attic and feeding him pieces of your brain every so often, thinking, maybe enough of your brain shavings would turn him un-undead? Time to kill that zombie and face life in the post-apocalypse. Wow that turned a bit gruesome lol. Don't really kill him, just walk away for good. I think it's my cue to walk away now
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Block her on facebook Tom1990! Nuke it from orbit, it's the only way to be sure! I believe Facebook stalking is number one the worst thing you can possibly do to yourself when it comes to breakups. It's even worse than texting them and not getting a reply, or even texting them and getting a reply. It's so one-sided, and your diseased brain will infer the worst from anything you see there. You need to be thinking about how to make YOUR life work without HER - not fantasizing about how amazing HER life appears to be without YOU compared to your sorry state.
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johnny: agree on drag me to hell. So much wasted potential. Disagree on Lucy. Really enjoyed it lol. Audrey Hepburn marathon on new years: Roman Holiday. Pretty OK, some parts were a bit slow. Classy ending. Breakfast at Tiffany's. First 3/4 of the movie - this is really pointless and dumb. Last 1/4 - it all comes together. Incredible. A lot of similarities between the two films.
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Few people post their sad things on facebook. In fact, sometimes when they are sad they post more happy things there to try and make themself happy. But yes. NC works by eroding that connection you have with someone so you don't feel it as strongly. You then start to replace the hole in your heart with other things, as the memory of them starts to fade, because you aren't keeping it alive. By looking at FB or even a picture of them you might have, you renew those connections again and undo a lot of the progress you might have been making. You know you are healed when you don't even WANT to look at a pic or open their facebook.
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Crugsta, you gotta let go of that hope for anything to change in you. If you are spending NC continuing to pine after her you are going to be sad forever. NC is not about getting them to return, it's about working on putting them out of your mind so YOU can move on.
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Well I'm doing a lot better a week later than when I heard the news. I think it was just the shock of seeing them, the ring, hearing her make the announcement and everything. It was a lot to take in, and brought back some old feelings that I've already mostly worked through. And then having to do the holidays and everything right after that. This week I ran into her before church and we had a little chat about our Christmases. I honestly felt better just letting the conversation happen than trying to avoid her. She had the first Christmas with his child who was also there that day. It was rather odd seeing her interact with his kid. It made their relationship seem both more and less real. I'm not sure if she has really thought through the implications of marrying someone with a kid. She does well looking after other people's kids but there is that whole bonding thing that is kind of important and clearly hasn't happened yet. He doesn't get the child very often. It seems pretty heavy for someone like her. I'm also pretty sure that a couple times during church she looked over in my direction. She probably thinks it odd that after getting engaged I am talking to her again. I suppose it is odd. Going to keep low contact for now, only talking when necessary, but not being awkward about it.
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Made it through the day. Broke no contact to congratulate them because it just seemed like the right thing to do. It puts her at ease not wondering what I think about it or when I'm going to comment on it. Just rip that band-aid off. And it has a similar effect for me. Now I can go back to not really talking to her and it's not a big deal. When contact does need to happen, get it out of the way. Still upset, but I knew this was coming. Other status changes have affected me more. I know she's not right for me - I'm looking for my equal. It's just hard because I still remember how happy she made me, I'm lonely this time of year, and looking for my equal keeps drawing complete blanks. This doesn't really change anything. I'll be better tomorrow. Gosh walking in there was so hard. I'm glad I was strong enough to do it! Hope everyone else is doing well with their situations.
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So I just found out they are engaged. It's been a week. Don't feel great. Last real obstacle to cross though. I'm shaking, and I'm probably going to see them today. I will try to be happy for them even though I feel so very alone right now. Man, all of a sudden everyone around me is getting engaged too. The holidays suck.
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I know that's the part of what you said I agreed with the most, hence "I like that perspective Improving123". The danger is that you may think you have accepted the outcome, deluding yourself that sticking around and hoping for a reconciliation is the right thing for you, only to be rejected again and again, having it hurt just as much and sometimes more each time. I can only speak from my own experience, but all of the cases where I've been dumped or rejected, I would have done better to follow a strict no contact much sooner. I have healed from most of these, but this healing has really only happened after a long period where I did not see or hear from the person. And my most recent heartbreak I'm really only recently started to heal from, and that only came from finally letting go of not only the outcomes, but the friendship. (You can look through this thread to see my recent history here) So this is the most common advice I personally give - always of course weighing the situation and what is conveyed. As always, we all have different experiences and viewpoints. I know you are in a rough place. The best thing is to know we've all been somewhere similar. The advice part is really secondary. Some posters are a little blunt sometimes, but then that may work for some types of people so who knows. Getting advice is nice but we still have to be the ones to figure out what to do! That's the annoying part but it can also be empowering if you think about it.