junebug123

Thanks. Yeah, I think I’m probably to blame since it’s hard for me to draw boundaries. It’s just I feel bad for the developer and I guess I am feeling more pressure then necessary. Anyways, always appreciate the quick reply and sound advice. ill probably have to reread this everytime I’m experiencing one of my attacks. This behavior has been an ongoing issue for me in past jobs as well. Anyways thanks again

I work remotely as a programmer. Lately, I feel like work has been piling up a lot. Some of my other contractors either don’t or can’t contribute as much due to either laziness or incompetence. This has sort of put me in a situation where the client depends on me to solve some of the more complicated issues. I don’t necessarily mind but lately one of the senior developers for the client that I work closely with has been putting pressure on me to solve a certain problem. Everyday he will contact me about it and check in my progress. I feel like it’s not his fault and he has people he has to answer to who are probably putting pressure on him. But the problem is not simple at all and the client spent a month working on it before they dumped it on me. I think it’s less about this problem and more that I just feel exhausted after coming back to this company. I feel like if I just keep my work life and personal life separate then I won’t keep having this attacks. But it’s hard not to keeping thinking of these problems and it’s stressing me out a lot.

She broke up with you twice and your your still stressing this girl. Honestly, it sounds like her expectations were high. If someone says your not putting enough effort in the relationship then that means they don’t accept you for who you are and aren’t going to be content with you moving forward. Reguardless of the situation with the roommate, I would say that your wasting your energy with this person. What do you think is going to happen even if you get back together? You think someone who has lost respect for you is going to magically start gaining respect out of no where. She clearly doesn’t value you at all..

Yeah, it’s cool to crush on people, but don’t get too invested in the feelings otherwise it will just get exhausting for you in the long run.

Kind of reminds me of how dogs try to hump your leg. They don’t need to make contact, everyone knows exactly what they are thinking.

I’m not going to attack you. I think it’s silly that people have responded so harshly to your post. I too went through something similar recently where I was let go from a job that I was excited about, because someone cried to our manager about me. I still think about this person to this day and secretly want them to get fired and go through hardship and struggle. I know all of this is selfish and based on my ego. Even thou I told myself to forgive her and wish her the best, and be the better person. It hurts, a lot. To be honest I didn’t even like working there and I’m in a situation now where it’s a lot less stressful and I get along with everyone I work with. Its just the idea of feeling like you lost, and the competitive nature in me wants justice. My suggestion, find something which fulfills you more then this incident. Get a gym membership, pick up a hobby or study a new trade. Let these activities take the place of those feelings you have towards this individual. I know this is hard to believe, but our minds are not capable of actively holding two thoughts at once. When you learn to let go and roll with the punches, you will be more prepared for handling more serious things in life with grace and ease.

I’ve often been wondering where I went wrong in these sorts of situations. In some ways it’s kind of hard to understand how the other person is feeling because we are too focused on ourselves. Have you been listening for signals and then following up with the appropriate behaviors? Even in male to male friends or female to female friendships there is a lot of signals we send back and forth to each other, signaling: I like this do it more, or not cool please don’t do this again. However, because she works with you, she’s probably sending these signals in a very subtle and passive way. As to not disturb the work relationship and to be as professional as possible. Sometimes it’s just hard to see the obvious, especially when we don’t want to accept the truth. We often ignore the signals we don’t want, and try to rationalize the truth that best suits to protect our ego. Later on, when your less in your feelings, you can look at some of your past interactions with her and think. What was she saying here, either with her body language or with her actions. Right now all her actions are saying no.

I have a different take on this. Your probably not going to like my opinion but it’s an honest one. My father was divorced from my mom for several years before he met his next wife. Let’s call her the jealous step mother. Basically, my mom had already moved on with her life but from time to time my dad would spend time with us and my mom. It happened a lot more when we were younger, him and my mother never slept together at all. Of course there were times when my step mother would attend but they were very far and few in between, really it was time for us to be together as a family and no one really wanted her involved in some of our outings anyways. Most of the time my dad was strapped for cash. You don’t really know this mans financial situation, if anything he’s probably paying child support and house payments. It seems like he’s into you, but obviously he has baggage. I would expect this to be the norm from men of this age. Like the other poster said, things might not change. Meaning the financial situation or ties to his old family. Unless he’s actively sleeping at his ex wife’s house, then I would try not to worry about it. They’ve been separated for 3 years? Find out if his wife is currently seeing anyone, if she is then that would be a relief.

This is so terrible. It would be one thing if she confessed and wants to go to therapy and try to work on the marriage. Honestly, if she’s openly admitting this to you, then she has lost respect for you as a man. I would try to move on with my life as soon as possible and cut all ties to an individual like this. I know people who are married and are in open relationships. But that’s something that they both want and can both handle. It seems to me like she wants a one sided deal.

Yeah. This sounds like my friend and his older girlfriend who has two kids. She frequently texts him a lot and calls him. Sometimes he’s with me and he’s just busy. He does his best to respond to her calls and her texts but honestly she texts him like all the time. Personally, I think he likes the attention and I’m not sure if he ever calls his gf butthurt or insults her. They have a very trusting relationship, but he certainly has more of the power and that’s just the dynamic. I feel like you were stressing a little bit here. Maybe she slept with the host, who knows? You can’t really control it and I probably wouldn’t want my gf sleeping at another mans place and getting drunk either. If money was really an issue I would have just paid for her to stay in a hotel to be honest.

Oftentimes we think more of what others think about us, then they actually do. When you learn to stop worrying about what people are thinking of you and face your fears. You feel liberated in being able to move and act in accordance with your purpose. Dancing around the intentions of others only causes them to take up space in your thoughts and behaviors. Please don’t let your crush and friend control your behavior. When you start focusing on your own goals and dreams, you will realize how insignificant this entire affair was.

Yeah, I was thinking this too. He seems checked out. I know it’s hard putting yourself out there but a guy with a low sex drive and constant depression/drinking. You owe it to yourself to ask for more. Not only from a partner but also from yourself.

Its okay to catch feelings for people. I'm sorry your going through this, there were so many times I wish I would have listened to what people on this forum said about my own situations. I guess when your deep in it, your in it. I hope you can take some time away from this relationship and look into other areas of your life. Time heals all wounds.

Sort of depends on the expectations of the person. Some people want someone who is going to put in as much work into the relationship as them. When their needs aren't being met they become resentful. It seems like there were some warning signs early on both sides that he was probably looking for something more serious then you. This could be especially true if he has been in a serious relationship before. I don't disagree with the other posters that he was love bombing you and it was moving too fast, maybe for someone else he could have been compatible. I would just chalk it up to glad that it happened sooner rather then later, no need to waste time on someone who you aren't compatible with. My best guess is your attracting men like this because your seeking the type of individual who wants to care and support someone. These type of people usually over invest in others, I don't necessarily think its a bad thing per say. Personally, I think some sense of awareness of your own behavior and others behavior can prevent this pattern from happening in the future. Once you start becoming more independent, you may find that the type of man who wants to support you will shy away. And you may be able to find the man who is more interdependent then co-dependent.

I would just say lesson learned. On to the next. Seems like ego sometimes gets in the way of things we want in life. If your young, could just be he doesn’t have a lot of experience with women. But I’m more leaning towards what another posted said about him just not being interested.

Yeah, I agree with this post. Sometimes guys who are more introverted spend a lot of energy approaching women and trying to get a read on them. If a girl I approached was reciprocated the type of attention I was putting forward, then things would have flowed smoothly. However, I understand that some women are unsure of what a men’s intentions are. It kind of puts the guy in a deadlocked situation especially if he’s juggling a lot. In those types of situations I usually just move on assuming that if the girl was interested she would just let me know, rather then playing games. The last thing I want to do is to keep throwing myself at a women who is unsure herself...

Um, that’s not true at all. Low confidence in men doesn’t mean that we don’t sleep around at all. It just means we lower our standards, lol. From your post it seems like your just over analyzing the situation. Your just dating so why put so much pressure on yourself to find out if she’s the one or not. I’ve been in a similar spot before. What I’ve found is that no one is really perfect and oftentimes my standards are just too high for what’s available in the market or for what I can ask for. My suggestion would be to date but keep your options open. If she isn’t the one, then that’s okay, and if she is then she is. It’s actually less about the person and more about you. The idea of there being perfect people, or houses or cars is silly. Sometimes it just depends on the type of relation we are able to build and foster with the people we interact with. Like the saying goes, one mans trash is another mans treasure.

Look I’m going to just tell you this from personal experience so take it for what it’s worth. Every time I was anxious or overly invested in a relationship my partner would sense this, and it would make them uneasy. The few times I could care less as to how it progressed were the times the other person started investing more. The truth is I don’t really understand the psychology of it all and it think it applies in other areas of life as well, jobs, etc. Im not saying don’t be yourself, but I think there’s something to be said about having an abundance mindset. When you have a very active lifestyle people are free to come in and out of your life at their own pace, without feeling any pressure to assure the other person of their intentions. To be honest, it seems like this situation could have just kept dragging on and maybe she was just looking for something casual. That’s why I sort of prefaced what I said by dating multiple people, this way you can make your intentions be known without worrying about the other persons decision. Its sort of like running a business with multiple clients as appose to having just one client. If that one client acts up for any reason then no hard feelings, you just let them know it’s not going to work out without having to sacrifice your business.

Yes, basically. You either start investing your self in your new partner and they become your focus or your heavily invest yourself in a path that's more interesting then your previous partner. The truth is a lot of people believe that there is a set period of time required to 'get' over someone, but I once spoke with someone who was in a seven year relationship with someone and 2 weeks out of the relationship he met someone new who was actually a better match for him. And he told me he got over his past relationship in about 3-6 months. I found that the reason why I struggled to get over many of my past partners was due to the limiting belief that I couldn't find someone better then them. Its a similar psychology to why people stay in miserable jobs for long periods of time. Its sad really, but the reality is that there is probably always a better person or job out there. Its up to you, in order to improve enough to obtain that position or person.

Alright. If you want to know a women’s interest level, there’s a few simple things you can do. First, let them lead. See how often they reach out and how often they attempt to meet with you. Next, what are the interactions like when you are with each other. Is she all over you, or is she aloof and distant. Someone who is interested won’t hold back as much and you will know right away if you are digging you more than you are digging them. Generally the feeling I get from women who are too into me is, they annoy me. However, I prefer women who are more reserved and who challenge me. So that’s just my preference. There’s no right or wrong way to do things in a relationship. Waiting longer to be exclusive or not probably isn’t going to change that persons level of attraction for you. I try my best to weed people out who are just stringing me along for an ego boost or out of boredom. It seems like you may not have realized that was happening in the past and blamed yourself for opening up. Im sorry that happened to you. The best way to avoid that from happening is to date several people at once and commit to the one who shows the most interest in you. Good luck man I hope it works out.

Look, I don’t want to be rude when I say this. But I think you are deff overthinking things, and that’s to put it lightly. First even if a women is ovulating which is like 3-4 days out of the month, there is still only a 33 percent chance that she can get pregnant. If you’ve seen a lot of those Jerry Springer or Maury shows where women are trying to find out who the father is. Then chances are these are people who are having a lot of unprotected sex with many partners. Getting a girl pregnant is actually kind of difficult, I know people who don’t even use birth control and just um pull out before they finish. I think you need to get out of your head and put yourself out there. Some of the patterns you have developed are keeping you in this situation you are in now. Also, there’s something called condoms. Personally I use condoms when I first start sleeping with someone and then ask that they start using birth control later on. I’m not saying rush out and have sex with anyone. I’m just saying that most women around that age are going to expect someone at your age to have a little experience in that area. So hesitation and uncertainty when in comes to actually sealing the deal may come off as a turn off.

This is just my opinion for take it for what it’s worth. I try to just be my genuine self with the people I interact with. Sometimes I’m too much for someone and sometimes it’s reverse where the person is too needy. If you feel like your being reserved now then this could be a pattern moving forward. Normally if I’m already sleeping with someone and especially if I’m having unprotected sex then generally I don’t want to keep sleeping with that person unless I know it’s exclusive. If in the past it didn’t work out when you opened up too soon, it could be that you didn’t read the person well enough to know what their level of interest was. Just my two cents.

I have spoken to many people and listen to many videos on these sort of topics pertaining to self help and introspection. It’s not like I am incapable of filtering information through the lens of my mind; Determining thoughts or ideas and come to my own conclusions as to whether they fit my purposes or not. I am almost certain that much of my depression comes from the expectations that others have placed on me from a very young age. This idea that some kids are gifted or smarter then others, and the way parents and teachers view you relative to other students and children. Its extremely exhausting pushing yourself always to meet the demands of a narcissistic parent, who rarely if ever provides you with any validation for your achievements relative to your siblings. The idea that smarter kids were supposed to get higher grades or perform better in certain activities due to their gifts... Then seeing the praise and love that your peers and siblings get for what you would consider average accomplishments. As I got older and didn’t live up to those expectations, I just felt like more and more of a failure. Never once questioning why I set these lofty goals for myself based on other people’s expectations. The truth is that many of the technical books that I read on a regular basis are far beyond the compression of my mother, yet I still look to her for validation. Probably the most damaging thing you could do to a child is convince them that they are somehow better then their peers. If by some chance they somehow succeed in living up to your expectations, then all the work and effort you put in was just the norm. However, if you fail to live up to those expectations then your less then human, in fact your squandered your gifts and your a failure. Sometimes I wonder how many kids labeled gifted are actually gifted at all. And if it’s not just some grand delusion that parents force on their children so they can feel better about themselves. Maybe, I started asking less of myself recently and being grateful for the things I have accomplished and maybe that’s why I feel better. Either way, I do feel like writing here does help me somewhat. Sometimes I feel so lost , it’s like I have to write on here to have some voice of reason or someone to talk to who isn’t deeply rooted in their own problems. Maybe that’s why so many people stay damaged for so long. Because the never have anyone sane to actually talk to...

I woke up today feeling like I normally do. It’s like a weird fog of feeling tired and unmotivated even thou nothing happened for me to feel like this. What brought on the moment of clarity. Well this girl that I used to speak to our discoed. I told her everything that happened when I worked for chase for a month or so. She told me the reason I acted out against my female co-worker was because I didn’t know myself. She said if I knew she was being short with me, then why confront her. She also told me that someone who was acting this way when confronted would only get angry. And if the person wasn’t intending to engage in this behavior would just apologize not realizing they were being this way. Im not sure if she was right about that, but my co-worker did in fact get angry and that led to my dismissal. Maybe I felt like I was being gaslit because I wasn’t sure what was going on or why I was being treated this way and I cared more about that then staying there. The girl from discord told me that if I knew myself, I wouldn’t have questioned my intuition so much. I thought about what she said for a very long time. Recently, on one of my walks to the store I passed by that girl from the bar, while she was outside smoking a cigarette. I’m not sure if she noticed me or not, it could be that she just wasn’t facing my direction or saw me out of the side of her eye and turned away to avoid confrontation. At first I was tempted to go into the bar and try to talk to her, but as I kept walking to the store I thought about what the discord girl told me. She also said something very interesting to me. She told me that the reason I feel bad all the time is because that’s what feels normal to me. That essentially my negative feelings are composed of my ego. And to maintain my ego I need to constantly seek out situations to allow me to maintain this view of a being a victim. I think yesterday was the first day that I was able to apply her thoughts on a subconscious level. By retroactively analyzing my behavior over the course of a week, I was able to regain sense of self. Without attributing it to the perceptions of others, which is what I normally do. By allowing myself to just think of myself independently of how I think others are perceiving me. It felt like a cloud had been lifted, maybe just temporary.

Not sure why I am even writing this. Have you ever had an experience where you wrote something down; Later you read it and can’t understand how you ever had those thoughts to begin with? I finally had the urge to do some programming outside of work for the first time in 4 in a half months. Figured it would be boring so I went on discord to sort of socialize while I messed around with some java desktop application. This girl who I had a cyber relationship with a while back changed her profile picture and out of curiosity I re-read a lot of the conversations that we had before. Only this time, I wasn’t in love with her and didn’t have any feelings. I realized then when I read a lot of my old messages how involved I had become with someone who I barely knew at the time. In fact I was actually quite possessive and my emotions were all over the place. Thinking back, I don’t think I ever once put myself in her shoes at all. I never realized how strong I was coming on and how I didn’t understand small hints being thrown my way. In fact I was so deep in my feelings that even more direct messages were just flat out ignored. To be honest I don’t know how long I will be this lucid for. In fact the few times that I ever feel this good scare me, because I usually defer back to my old way of being a functionally depressed person. I never realized how depressed I was because usually how I feel, is just the norm. I wonder if how I’m feeling now, if this is how people feel all the time? Now that I think about it, I think the reason I get so attached to unhealthy women is because they are like the small reprieve I have from my constant feelings of loneliness and isolation. I finally understand what people mean when they say I need therapy. I wish I could feel like this more often.