IWOKEUP

Mike, I can emphathize with your plight. You heart feels like a plane....it's trying to take off and crash lands only to take off and actually reach the clouds until the night rolls in or the morning light comes and that planes crashes once more. One day, that plane will take off and soar above the clouds to new destinations and she will be just a pleasant memory when you find the right one. I am in my 40's and feeling your pain as I go through my own grief too. You can't make someone love you and commit if they can't/won't. I must admit, after 2 and half months of crying daily, I saw my ex (who had wanted a future with me and dumped me without warning) on a website for dating! It said he was seeking a long term relationship and that broke my heart no end. I too had no closure and this was devasting to me after two years of sweet love. I did write an email despite my better judgement. Not to throw out accusations but to express my hurt, pain and disappointment at his lack of kindness and explanation at the end. I did not receive a reply which told me volumes. I realize this is not a man that is worthy of me no matter how much I loved him. If she can't see the rest of her life without you, well, that is her loss. You sound like a great guy that any woman who would embrace and be grateful to have in her life! Her loss will be someone else's gain!!! IWOKEUP

By the way, usually active and passive commitment phobics usually have problems in their youth! ie. parents who were too demanding without encouragement, smothering without allowing the child self-esteem or decision making; abandonment, little nurturing, verbal, emotional, sexual abuse or distance. A divorce or rocky family history is common. The books I read were fascinating and truly gave me all the answers I couldn't get from my ex! Two authors....Steven Carter and Julia Sokol wrote two books that are truly amazing! "He's Scared, She's Scared" and "Men Who Can't Love". Another wonderful book about people who have trouble opening up is called "Emotionally Unavailable" by Bryn C. Collins. If anyone reads any of these, I would love to discuss them with you! At the end of the day, CP's can't deal with: decision making, fear, vulnerability, feelings/emotions, goals, self-esteem and love. No partner can help them!!! No matter how hard you try to be understanding, patient, loving, kind.....it has to come from them. Most of the time, they are aware of their own behaviour but tend to repeat the patterns over and over and over again. If you encounter any of the patterns I mentioned...know there is a very big red flag and it's time to seriously consider moving on. Also those who come back for a second chance, they try for a time but when feeling trapped again, they usually repeat the same patterns except this time the relationship is relived and ended much quicker. Remember, it has nothing to do with you or your worth as a loving wonderful human being with much to give. It's not your problem and you can't fix it!

Thanks all, It's interesting to see how each of you have a different take. Bear in mind, in my unique situation, my guy dumped me because he is a commitment phobic and didn't want to talk about the future after 2 years and after booking a vacation with me and bailing out one week before our trip. His reasonings for the breakup was "I don't want to talk about any future plans and focus on having fun on this vacation". I can only surmise this means retraction on all that was said in terms of "us" and now it means only "him" and his boundaries. No words of specific complaint or reasons were given. If two people in a normal relationship lose feelings for one another and both feel the end is nigh, the pain still exists but when one partner is led to believe all is wonderful with the world and the other does a 360 degrees,,,the pain and confusion can leave one feeling like roadkill. He walked away in August and the only time I have seen him is online and that was 3 nights in a row on my buddy list but now he is gone...coward. Don't you think 2 and a half months is too long for the ex to come forward? Again, if you loved someone and they walked away from you, were cruel, insensitive, rejective of your feelings, couldn't give a toss whether you are hurting or are in pain.......do you call that love? How far should one go in order to get closure? Should we just give it to ourselves (if we can) and move on? How many of you went back for answers, received closure and had a positive experience?

Hi, I've been chomping at the bit to either email or send a letter to my ex not to rant but to tell him how hurt and disgusted I am by his ending it without closure or real explanation but my friends are all shouting "NOOO - Don't do it!". I have come to some conclusions as to why I shouldn't...I would welcome other's input to assist and encourage me not to, but also for others in this forum who are in the same boat to "break fee" of this terrible addiction and pain. Here are some of my thoughts for starters: If you were dumped, why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want you? Do you really think they would understand your pain or just write it off as sour grapes or neediness? You may lose your self-respect or pride by allowing them to know you are still thinking about them and you may suffer the rejection all over again. If they really wanted to be with you, wouldn't they have contacted you already? Knowing how cruel they are, could you risk opening the door for more possible pain? Could you live this nightmare over again? Heh, if they didn't want you and were prepared to walk away from a great thing, it's probably their loss and your gain. They are not worthy of your love. I'm trying to live by this to save my pride but the tears still fall...

On my on-going journey of discovery, I have just finished a few books on Commitment Phobics and their patterns. Who knew there were actually patterns from beginning to end? I just thought it was cold-feet before marriage.......Wow..was I wrong! This is what I have learned: CP=(Commitment Phobics) There are active CP's and passive CP's. The active CP seeks out a partner who is different from them in the beginning. They honestly want a real commited relationship and go all out to get it. The other partner..usually a passive is protective and a bit curious why the active is so interested. The affair maybe whirlwind. Confessions, intimacies and words are expressed in the beginning to secure what appears to be the real thing. Confessions of bad past relationships by the Active CP are made up front. This is a blatant warning to the passive to get the *&^% out now! Things will never change! The words "love" "commitment" and even "marriage" are used to secure the passive CP. Once that is established, and the relationships is secure (with or without sex), the active CP gets nervous when the passive wants more. They feel "trapped, panicked, suffocated, anxious, ambivalent, " and do the push and pull thing with the passive. This only confuses the passive and makes them work even harder to prove their worth and love and in return..pushes the active away even more! At the end, the active will start to back off just when things seem great. The passive tries even harder taking the blame for everything but in fact, the active CP is provoking their partner by bringing up stuff that the passive had all along ie. their religion, age, hair, friends etc. as a means to make the passive get angry and hurt so they can walk away, usually confused, astounded and incredibly hurt without any closure. The active feels guilty about this but also feels relieved. They usually replace this partner almost immediately but feel confident that their ex will still be around to accept them back in should the need arise. Their conflicts are bone deep. You can't help them....they don't want help unless they ask for it from a medical therapist and it's a long road to recovery. The passive CP's self-esteem, ego, pride are shattered because they can't understand how something that good, so intimate, so full of potential could go 360 degrees the other way in a heartbeat without warning? But one must be self-protective from the get-go. Actions speak louder than words. These active runners will NEVER change. That is what hurts so badly. It's not the passive CP's fault but one must question the little red flags that come up in a relationship in the beginning ie. all those words that say commitment but all those actions that scream RUN - NOW that the passive CP's avoid or ignore because they want it to work so badly. Self protection is everything and if your partner isn't on the same page with you everyday wanting the same things and being consistent in word and action, there is something very very wrong and unhealthy......they can make your life a living hell! They may feel trapped or feel the perfect person is just around the corner waiting to meet them while the passive thinks they are that perfect person and goes all out to be just that....perfect - sacrificing their time, energies, love, patience and dediction for an active who sees this as nice but..pressure and eventually flee or forever be 'stuck"!!!!! If you are an active CP.....you have to look at your own behaviour and question why you run away when things seem too good. If you are passive, why do you fear abandonment so much for the sake of your own self-esteem and pride? No partner is worth that. I'm learning the hard way. Please send me some mail if you see yourself in either of these roles??

Thanks for the sage advice! Please remind me again why I shouldn't write a letter of disgust? I need some reminders to stay strong.

Can someone help? I am still mourning the loss of my relationship but I have no idea why he decided to break it up other than I have to assume he is a commitment phobic. We were supposed to go away together and when I mentioned future plans for another trip....he backed off and just before our trip, told me he wasn't sure if I should go (after I booked the ticket) and then within 24 hours - phoned me back, invited me to go again but on the condition that we could not discuss the future and then abruptly ended it - all after 2 years and many discussions of a future together. We also went through a life/physical crises together so the bonding was even more intimate. I am not sure how long the grieving process takes? I find myself crying everyday but I can function. My head and self-esteem tells me this is for the best but I did fall very much in love and my heart is devasted. Why can't I let go? I feel so alone...has anyone else gone through this? and I would welcome some dialogue on this because my friends have heard enough and I feel very alone with this.

My commitment phobic b/f recently dumped me after 2 years of hope for a future. I seem to be far too weepy - it's been 2 months now and every night and every morning.....I cry. Although I now know it is for the best, these feelings come over me like waves. Although friends say "Get over him".it's easier said than done. It's also easier when you are not emtionally involved. Please, don't send back that statement..if I could, I would already. Can anyone recommend some techniques other than meds to get their lives back on track? I hate this feeling of waiting for something that will never happen. IWOKEUP

Can anyone relate? I just finished a two-year relationship with a CP and this is my first experience with one and my heart is broken in two. Through researching this..I have also discovered he is also emotionally unavailable. Meaning, his reactions towards love comes from the brain and not the heart. Emotions are analyzed first and then they give you the desired reaction verbally to suppress getting intimate and feeling love and reacting sponteanously beccause that is also a fear of feeling, commitment and moving forward. Anyone else experience this too? It was all so odd and I just assumed he was shut down but this is much bigger and deeper than I originally thought. I would love to hear your stories? IWOKEUP