worriedman

Just to let you all know that I'll not be posting for a while, we're off on our holidays. Once again thanks for all the advice.

Things seem to be getting better, another crisis has made her realise "how much she loves me and relies on me". She is now saying that she can't imagine her life without me and that leaving to be on her own was "just a fantasy". She is carrying on with her other man but accepts that it won't last forever and won't try to replace him with another one when the time comes. My feeling is that she got a bit carried away with her emotions and had allowed herself to forget some of the important things in our lives together, for the sake of the thrills that she is missing. Possibly the hormonal changes associated with premnopause had contributed to this. She may have now realised how much we have together and wants to keep it. Only time will tell I suppose. Myself? Well I am still in a state of limbo, what happens when the current crisis has passed, will the yearnings return? I don't know.

lifeweb, Many thanks for your advice, I think I sort of knew all this and I have taken action, one of my problems is my tendency to shout at the kids, which has always caused difficulties in our relationship. I have got a book on Anger Management and for the kids' sake if nothing else I am determined to fix that problem. Who knows it may also help us as well. We have talked about the internet stuff and swingers clubs etc and I'm not sure they are an issue any more, after all we both went into it together and have decided its not for us. We are still together and things are up and down. I keep trying to suggest counselling and may have made some progress in this direction. Once again thanks for your advice.

Andrew, Here's my earlier posting to give you an explanation of the situation. We've been together 13 years (12 married) and each have a daughter from previous spouses (her daughter lives with us, we rarely see mine) and 2 sons of our own. I'm 47 she's 43. She has always said to me that she should never have had kids; her daughter was a dreadful mistake, which resulted in a short abusive marriage to the father. She also said that before we got together she had never been in a relationship for more than 3 or 4 years (mostly much shorter than that) and had always moved on to recapture the spark of new romance. I am sure (and she has confirmed this) that were it not for her being a single mother stuck in a rut at the time, our relationship would only have lasted a couple of months. But despite this dodgy beginning we were happy, she was happy with our life together – until a couple of years ago when our sex-life, which had always been great, took a dive. She said that we both needed new sexual partners as I wasn't satisfying her and she couldn't see how she was satisfying me. Things started to happen last year on holiday, she got drunk one night and almost shagged an 18-year-old holiday courier. As a result of this we looked into swinging to try and get some other sexual partners but stay together, but we never actually did anything about it. All the talk and searching for Swingers Clubs on the internet etc, however, did serve to kick-start our sex-life and things were great again. However, it all started to go wrong again over the winter and she started looking for a female friend to go out to discos etc with (she is NOT bi-sexual). I have supported her in this, but she still hasn't found one – we don't have many friends because we were so happy being together as a family. Most of the people we know are parents of kids at school with our boys or in their football (soccer) teams and so are mostly 10 years younger than we are and they are still happily married, only wanting to socialise as couples. That's not what she is looking for. Anyway in April (2003) I was a very stupid and registered for a sex-contacts web site and had a few e-mails. I'm sure nothing would have come of this; it was just a bit of fantasy on my part, although I did seriously think about using prostitutes because our sex life had ground completely to a halt and at the time I was feeling unloved and unwanted. She found out about the sex-contacts site and after the blazing row had subsided she registered on it herself and found a younger man (29) who was having sexual problems with his partner. Anyway she has being seeing him once a week for a couple of months, this was with my support. She insists that it's a simple sex-based relationship where they are both just using each other with no emotional attachment (I think this is true). However, it has reminded her strongly of all the feeling she has been missing for so long – I think this was my biggest mistake of all, although I'm sure she would have still done it without my agreement. I suppose I hoped that she would be grateful for the freedom and the excitement of it all and we would get closer together. This seemed to be the case for a while, but she seems to have got the taste now and wants more freedom and independence and has lost her remaining interest in me and the kids. One night we talked and she told me that although she loves me, she is not in love with me; she does not find me sexually attractive any more. Its worth saying here that she is a very attractive woman with a lovely bubbly personality, slim and agile body and has been up to recently the model faithful wife and mother. On the other hand, I am an ordinary bloke, not handsome, not ugly; I don't have an athletic looking body. I have been totally faithful and devoted to her and always knew that if we were to part, it would be because she wanted someone new, not me. She says that she wants to be happy again like she used to be, she thinks that I am very lucky that I still feel a lot of those nice early-romance feelings that she is missing and desperately wants to feel them again. She loves me and the kids but feels that if she stays and things stay the same she will probably end up resenting us because she is so unhappy. It seems she is prepared to give up everything to recapture that wonderfully alive feeling of loving someone new and being loved by them. I think our case is different to the other Midlife Crisis cases I've read about, she does have another man but has no illusions about loving him or him loving her or him leaving his partner. So if and when she goes, she says she will go on her own and leave the area completely, cutting herself off from us in order to find a new life somewhere else. She doesn't want to stay with me while she finds someone. In all the cases I've read about, the other man/woman has already been on the scene, so is she right and this isn't MLC, its just her true self re-emerging after 13 years of lying dormant for the sake of our kids? I know I must look like a right idiot, but I sincerely thought that seeing this guy would satisfy her feelings and make her realise what we had. I think this was my worst mistake. I think that if I try to stop this arrangement now, she will just leave.

Hi, Thanks for your reply, she is seeing the doctor today to see if it is the menopause, she has also told me that she is quite depressed. She still maintains that no amount of counselling can change the way she feels. How do I convince her she is wrong? I'd love to start doing things together with my wife, but she insists that we've done everything and the new exciting stuff that she wants to do, she wants to do them with someone else. I will keep trying, keep supporting her, keep giving her the space she needs. However, I think the biggest problem at the moment is my 15-year-old step-daughter. She has problems of her own (depression), receives regular counselling and is on prozac but she is quite aware what's going on with her mum, she even suspects that mum's having an afair (she isn't, she just sees a 29-year-old guy once a week - no emotional attachment, just sex - see my earlier postings). The problem is that she won't leave her mum alone, she constantly questions her and accuses her. If I can't stop this I fear that it will drive my wife away whatever happens to our relationship. I have talked to her and asked her to give her mum some space but she still does it. There isn't much good news in this story at the moment is there?

Hello all, It seems my wife has at last talked to a friend, I don't think she has talked about her feelings etc, but the friend is going through the menopause and my wife thinks that she is too. She has made an appointment at the doctors to see if its true. I don't know too much about menopause except that my mum had a hysterectomy and this ruined my parents relationship, they still live together (they are in their 80s) but seldom speak to each other and have been like this for 30-odd years. Could it be that the menopause is the reason behind my wife's mood swings and is driving her to want to leave the family? We talked again last night and she is still saying that she is bored with our life and wants excitement etc. At the end of the conversation I told her that 2 years ago she really, really wanted a conservatory and that now we have had one for 2 years she couldn't care less about it and I pointed out that if she left us, in a couple of years time she might be bored with her new life and want to come back. She accepted that this might well be true. My final words were that she needed help, help that I can't really provide and she even seemed to accept that too. Whether she will do anything to get help or not I don't know. I'll keep you posted.

She has definitely talked to a friend, althogh not directly about our marital problems. Her friend thinks that my wife is going through the menopause. Her friend says that it affects women in different ways, for her she couldn't face going out of the house for months, for some it seems they can't get out often enough. Does it seem feasible that all her problems at the moment can be attributable to menopause? Is it then just a case of me sticking with her come what may in the hope that she settles down again? Confused all over again!

Another update, She's still up and down, down at the moment because she's not seeing her regular sex-only partner this week. I understand that the ups and downs are all part of MLC (if that's what this is) it certainly is a roller-coaster ride. Talked again last night and she still insists she can't talk to anyone except me about all this. My feeling at the moment is that although she says that she has no plans to leave just now, I think she'll decide after our family holiday in august, and I think she'll leave. Nothing I can do or say will put me back into her soul the way she wants, she loves me but is not in love with me, I don't excite her or give her those little thrills when she sees me. This is all so sad and so inexplicable, how will I explain it to the kids if she goes? I have started to get my life together, last night I went to my Badminton club night as usual, only instead of coming home at about 9:00pm to be with my wife, I stayed till the end and had a drink with the other players. I will now make this my normal tuesday routine. I am also thinking about joining the Ramblers' Association (a society devoted to walking in the countryside) and going away for weekend walking trips - its a start.

Another update, She's still up and down, down at the moment because she's not seeing her regular sex-only partner this week. I understand that the ups and downs are all part of MLC (if that's what this is) it certainlyu is a roller-coaster. Talked again last night and she still insists she can't talk to anyone except me about all this. My feeling at the moment is that although she says that she has no plans to leave just now, I think she'll decide after our family holiday in august, and I think she'll leave. Nothing I can do or say will put me back into her soul the way she wants, she loves me but is not in love with me, I don't excite her or give her those little thrills when she sees me. This is all so sad and so inexplicable, how will I explain it to the kids if she goes? I have started to get my life together, last night I went to my Badminton club night as usual, only instead of coming home at about 9:00pm to be with my wife, I stayed till the end and had a drink with the other players. I will now make this my normal tuesday routine. I am also thinking about joining the Ramblers' Association (a society devoted to walking in the countryside) and going away for weekend walking trips - its a start.

Hello all, We talked again last night and she is so unsure of her feelings, spending most of her time during the day at home crying. She knows how much me and the kids love her and that she loves us. She still has "itchy feet" and wants a different exciting life but is beginning to think seriously about what her prospects would be if she left. She knows it could take years to find "the right one" for her and accepts that she may well end up realising it was me all along. In the meantime she would have lost her kids - what a price to pay. What she really wants is for these feelings of dissatisfaction and lack of fulfillment to go away and for her happiness of 2/3 years ago to return. I may even have convinced her that she needs to talk to someone. Maybe, just maybe this really is MLC and she is 2 to 3 years into it, its now coming to a head and she will soon come out the other side. I don't know, only time will tell. Meanwhile I have offered her a shoulder to cry on and an ear to talk to.

Thanks for your thoughts, I think she may have been talking to a friend or something because when I came home from work yesterday she assured me she was staying with us but would have to find some freedom outside the family to satisfy her need for adventure. To this end she has gone away for the weekend on her own (I believe this is true) and has made arrangements with an old (female) school friend to go away for the weekend in the autumn. She has assured me she does love me and the kids and wants to be happy like we used to be. I guess I can only see how things go, if I feel she is doing things behind my back then I may have to tell her to go so that we can get on with our lives. In the end it comes down to the fact that I love her and always will. At least she is being honest with me and always has, if she continues to do so I think there is hope for us. Once again thanks for your thoughts, keep them coming. I think yesterday was the lowest point of my life so far, this forum helped me through it and I think it will continue to help me as time goes on.

I think this is almost certainly a sign that she either doesn't love you any more or that she doesn't find you sexually attractive any more. Either way you could be in trouble. When my relationship with my wife was at its best, sex was initiated by either of us, when we were in less good times, it was down to me.

This is a long post, I applogise in advance. 4-Jul-2003 We've been together 13 years (12 married) and each have a daughter from previous spouses (her daughter lives with us, we rarely see mine) and 2 sons of our own. I'm 47 she's 43. She has always said to me that she should never have had kids; her daughter was a dreadful mistake, which resulted in a short abusive marriage to the father. She also said that before we got together she had never been in a relationship for more than 3 or 4 years (mostly much shorter than that) and had always moved on to recapture the spark of new romance. I am sure (and she has confirmed this) that were it not for her being a single mother stuck in a rut at the time, our relationship would only have lasted a couple of months. But despite this dodgy beginning we were happy, she was happy with our life together – until a couple of years ago when our sex-life, which had always been great, took a dive. She said that we both needed new sexual partners as I wasn't satisfying her and she couldn't see how she was satisfying me. Things started to happen last year on holiday, she got drunk one night and almost shagged an 18-year-old holiday courier. As a result of this we looked into swinging to try and get some other sexual partners but stay together, but we never actually did anything about it. All the talk and searching for Swingers Clubs on the internet etc, however, did serve to kick-start our sex-life and things were great again. However, it all started to go wrong again over the winter and she started looking for a female friend to go out to discos etc with (she is NOT bi-sexual). I have supported her in this, but she still hasn't found one – we don't have many friends because we were so happy being together as a family. Most of the people we know are parents of kids at school with our boys or in their football (soccer) teams and so are mostly 10 years younger than we are and they are still happily married, only wanting to socialise as couples. That's not what she is looking for. Anyway in April (2003) I was a very stupid and registered for a sex-contacts web site and had a few e-mails. I'm sure nothing would have come of this; it was just a bit of fantasy on my part, although I did seriously think about using prostitutes because our sex life had ground completely to a halt and at the time I was feeling unloved and unwanted. She found out about the sex-contacts site and after the blazing row had subsided she registered on it herself and found a younger man (29) who was having sexual problems with his partner. Anyway she has being seeing him once a week for a couple of months, this was with my support. She insists that it's a simple sex-based relationship where they are both just using each other with no emotional attachment (I think this is true). However, it has reminded her strongly of all the feeling she has been missing for so long – I think this was my biggest mistake of all, although I'm sure she would have still done it without my agreement. I suppose I hoped that she would be grateful for the freedom and the excitement of it all and we would get closer together. This seemed to be the case for a while, but she seems to have got the taste now and wants more freedom and independence and has lost her remaining interest in me and the kids. Last night we talked again and she has told me that although she loves me, she is not in love with me; she does not find me sexually attractive any more. Its worth saying here that she is a very attractive woman with a lovely bubbly personality, slim and agile body and has been up to recently the model faithful wife and mother. On the other hand, I am an ordinary bloke, not handsome, not ugly; I don't have an athletic looking body. I have been totally faithful and devoted to her and always knew that if we were to part, it would be because she wanted someone new, not me. She says that she wants to be happy again like she used to be, she thinks that I am very lucky that I still feel a lot of those nice early-romance feelings that she is missing and desperately wants to feel them again. She loves me and the kids but feels that if she stays and things stay the same she will probably end up resenting us because she is so unhappy. It seems she is prepared to give up everything to recapture that wonderfully alive feeling of loving someone new and being loved by them. I think our case is different to the other Midlife Crisis cases I've read about, she does have another man but has no illusions about loving him or him loving her or him leaving his partner. So if and when she goes, she says she will go on her own and leave the area completely, cutting herself off from us in order to find a new life somewhere else. She doesn't want to stay with me while she finds someone. In all the cases I've read about, the other man/woman has already been on the scene, so is she right and this isn't MLC, its just her true self re-emerging after 13 years of lying dormant for the sake of our kids? Are there any answers, is there anything I can do?

tobigahart, Many thanks mate, you sound like a typical ausie! I got a real lift reading your message, many others I've had, while being helpful, have been less than optimistic. You can't recomend a particular book at all can you? Personally I'm quite an upbeat sort of person, although outwardly at times I can appear to be your typical "Whinging Pom". As I said to my wife last night, she isn't going to see me sitting around the house in deep depression and I won't be begging her to stay. I will keep reminding her that I love her and that the kids do too.

We had a bit of a talk last night and I think I convinced her that what was happening really was Midlife Crisis. Its a relief that I now feel able to post my thoughts openly. I told her that I was always going to be there for her and that I love her but that I wasn't going to tell her what to do with her life and I wasn't going to beg her to stay etc. I didn't suggest counselling; I don't think she's ready for that yet. I did suggest that we should buy a book on the subject and both of us read it. Can anyone suggest a good one? At least we were talking and she was telling me about her feelings. She did say that she is wondering whether she should be looking for somebody now to replace me and the family, somebody who will take her to the exciting life she wants and away from the dull life she's in now. Naturally this was not what I wanted to hear, but at least she is being honest with me again and she is listening to what I have to say. She knows my feelings for her and she knows that the kids would be devastated if she left so maybe this along with a good book on MLC and counselling (eventually) could do the trick. How can I provide the excitement she is looking for, given that a big part of that excitement for her comes from the thrill of meeting a new man?

Thanks for all your words of encouragement, I now feel less isolated and on my own. I have also looked round the web and found lots of useful information which is helping me to understand my wife's behaviour. I have to say that all I have read supports what my wife has said and makes me realise that it is I who have to change to accommodate her new self and help her to find happiness again. She is just being true to herself. I also know now that I have to find a bit of a life outside the marriage for myself, so that I don't feel like the victim in all this. As they say, "It's good to talk", having talked (via the keyboard) to a few of you, I feel that I have got it off my chest and am now dealing with it in a constructive way instead of just hurting. Mind you it was difficult for me last night when she went out at 9pm and didn't get back till almost 3am. When she said she was going out, I didn't ask where, why or who with, I just wished her a good time. When she got back, I asked if she had a good time and expressed my happiness that she had and she cuddled up to me in bed for the first time in a week. I call that a result, on sunday I was convinced that we were finished.

Hello, My wife is going through the midlife crisis, she won't admit it, but from all I've read and all she's said, the symptoms are spot on. I daren't say too much on here in case she browses into this forum and finds it, a remote possibility but if she did, the way things are at the moment she might just walk out on me and the family. I have no one to talk to about this except her and when I do it just makes her angry. She says she loves me, sometimes, other times she says she doesn't know but I love her totally. Can anyone help?