TrooperMojo

Hey! I haven't been here for awhile so hopefully people out there are still paying attention. I have an update on my situation and would like some advice/input. So I haven't seen Kim nor emailed/called her for about 2 weeks. No contact whatsoever, not even a chance encounter in this small town. Like I said in my other post here, I figured that if she wanted me to be any part of her life or wanted to see or talk to me she's got lots of opportunity to do so. Plus, it would be a good demonstration to her that I'm getting better by not hounding her or spilling my emotions on her (kind of like what I'm doing here with you guys! hahaha!). Anyway, so yesterday I'm sitting here at work and who should I see at my office door? That's right... Kim. I was shocked but I was so happy to see her. The last time we actually saw each other face to face and said anything was the day I found that email from her exboyfriend and told her I hated her. I wanted more than anything to not make that the last time we saw each other so I was grateful she had come to visit me. Even though it really hurt not being able to give her a big kiss or hug and it was just plain torture trying to make small talk, I got to say that I was sorry for my actions over the past couple months and that I regretted everything I did to her, her boyfriend and even all my other friends while I was going through that emotional turmoil. I definitely made everyone else miserable for awhile. After that though, I tried my hardest not to talk about "us" and just talk about random things... but I couldn't help it and everything seemed to lead into a compliment or an "I miss you". She seemed ok with it all though. I told her I was getting better. She said she felt like a dick but I said that I was taking all the blame for our failed relationship and that's why I didn't think she was a dick. She said she was leaving with her bf to Ontario in August and it felt as though someone hit me with a three wood in my stomach. I told her I was going to miss her. She said that I looked upset the whole time I was there and gave me a hug. I told her I was getting back to normal but all the stuff I said about wanting to get back together still applied. So it looks now like we're going to try to be friends. Probably not best friends like we were before but probably just casual well-wishers. I don't know if I can handle being any kind of friend to be honest. It's really hard to be friends with someone you want to do everything you can to get back. Has anyone else out there got a similar predicament or story? Is it possible to be friends with someone you've loved? I want to try because we were really good friends before we went out.. but at the same time I'm probably only doing it on the off chance she could wind up missing me if we're getting along well as friends. Anyway... I gotta go now. Hopefully someone out there can give me some advice about being friends with an ex for which you still have feelings. Thanks, MOJO

Crookster_man, you are wise beyond your years... of course I have no idea how old you really are, but your advice to me and to Chocos on the "how to let go?" topic are really great and much appreciated. Your point about growth was pretty cool. I'd never considered the fact that my ex has never been single since high school. I kind of glossed over this in my original post but when I met her she was dating a guy we'll call "R" to keep this somewhat anonymous. Like I said in my first post, she broke up with him and within two days she was back out with someone else (N). I didn't find this out until later but it turns out that even while she was still going out with R she would talk to N a lot more and if the 3 of them were ever together, she would talk to and spend more time with N than R. When her and R broke up, R was only under the impression that they were fighting and it wasn't until the end of that weekend when she was back with N that R knew they were broken up. Then of course, what she did to N was the same thing. When I was courting her, she would spend more time with me and talk to me more than N and on one occasion the 3 of us went out and she spent all the time with me and ignored him. Not knowing about the whole previous thing, I thought it was romantic. And now, she's done it again, this time to me to go back out with N. While I definitely hate the fact that she gets to sleep with someone, hear them say they love her and didn't have to go through a single bit of the pain I did, I am trying to take anything positive I can out of this experience. Now that I'm starting to move on, I'm that much stronger and wiser. This is a horrible thought but if I go through this again, I'll know there's light at the end of the tunnel and be prepared. I'll probably handle it a lot better too! And I'll know about this place to help get me through it!! Of course the flip side of acceptance, besides growing and learning and taking something positive from it is to get bitter and hateful. I could focus on what she did to me (and to others) but I think that would only make me hate her. She may have hurt me but people make mistakes so I don't think I'm going to give up on thinking of her as perfect because she was despite the pain she caused me now. I'll probably never find anyone with as much in common with me but even if there's only one thing in common and it's an important one then I'll probably consider it of equal value. Alright... well I just wanted to thank you again and vent some more! Keep it coming! MOJO

Muscleheadphilosopher, I couldn't agree more!! Women really don't care about anything but themselves. Everything they do is designed to impress other women, not men. Men are just their pawns or pets, used to cause jealousy and envy in other women. If you want to keep a girlfriend remember this simple rule: All women want is to be treated like infants. I realize this is anecdotal to some extent but every relationship I've seen that's worked was because the guy constantly caved in to everything the woman wanted, talked to her like she was a child and let her manipulate him into thinking he was always wrong. Women, largely because they're socialized to think they're helpless, constantly crave attention and reassurance. Any good boyfriend has to remember that the very last thing their girlfriend wants is to feel independent. Next time one of your guy friends talks to his girlfriend pay attention to the pitch of his voice or the words he uses. You'll notice it's the same phenomenon as when people talk to small children. The interesting thing is though, women eat this up! They adore it! Think about why that is. Of course this is probably rooted in evolution too. Women pick mates who have good parenting skills as well as resources. Genes play a role as well, so you can't totally discount physical appearance, but not to the same extent as for men. If you have money and are able to treat her like a child, she'll think you're going to be a good father and you'll probably get any woman you want! Just keep the fact that she won't ever care about you or your feelings in the back of your mind. Being a good boyfriend means being a good actor and liar, plain and simple. Treat her like a child without blatently doing so or confessing to doing so. Realize that no matter how many times she says she loves you, you're just her pet in her mind. I wish it were different but that's life. You should watch the movie "In the Company of Men" if you get the chance... it's GREAT! Good luck! MOJO

Hey, Like I said, I didn't take offence to anything you said. I do seek honest opinions, no matter what they are. I've posted elsewhere about my more recent feelings and I'm actually starting to get past all this. I wish I hadn't done ANYTHING while I was going through the stages of grief but I can't take that back now. I haven't heard anything from her in about a week now. I'm still tempted to email her, if for nothing else but to apologize for everything one last time, but I've done it before and then wrote another angry email so she won't believe me. But now I realize that if Kim wants to hear from me, she has ample opportunity. She knows me email, ICQ, phone, etc. She knows where and when I work and live. The fact that she knows all this and hasn't talked to me in such a long time is a pretty clear indicator that she does not want to hear from me. I've also realized that I can't make her want to get back together. I thought back to when my persistence paid off and she broke up with her fiance to be with me and realized that it wasn't ME that made her break up with him.. it was HER choice. Yes, I certainly did my part, but in the end it was up to her and I somehow lost sight of that. I know now that I can do absolutely nothing to get her back and that if she wants to get back together, she'll act accordingly. This whole thing was pretty traumatic. I am trying to deal with things in a good way but it's hard, especially when she IS exactly what I've always wanted in a girl. She may not be the "one" in the sense that it didn't work, but she is still exactly what I wanted and I can only hope that I'll find another girl with so much in common with me in the future. There may be more fish in the sea, but I feel like Captain Ahab and there's only one white whale in the sea. Thanks again.. and don't worry, I'm not being offended by anything. MOJO

Hi! I appreciate the advice/help etc but I was just wondering what exactly about my story makes you all think I need professional help? As far as I knew being unwilling to let go for a few weeks after a break up with someone you loved was "normal" (whatever that is). There are quite a lot of people posting on here and almost every song is about this exact same thing. I didn't think it was uncommon enough to warrent councilling. And no, I'm not taking that suggestion as an offence or anything. This is why I came on this site in the first place... to get honest unbiassed opinions. I'm just genuinely worried that I'm coming off as crazy to everyone and if so, why?? MOJO

Hey everyone, I've been cruising around these different forums and message boards and am absolutely overwhelmed at the amount of people going through the same thing as me. Just the fact that I've seen a dozen people (at least) posting about trying to get their ex back or coping with break ups makes me realize it's such a common thing that everyone goes through and I shouldn't be too worried. Right now I think I'm actually starting to cope and get over it all. I still feel bad and that I screwed up royally but I'm also starting to realize that there's no way I can make her come back to me and that she's only going to come back to me if she wants it. Even when I was courting her and got her to break up with her fiance, it wasn't really ME making her do it, it was always her own decision. There's really nothing I can do. So right now I'm doing fun things and enjoying myself. I'll always hope that she'll come back to me.. or that I'll meet someone else.. and I'll get a second chance at love. I know what I did to screw it up with Kim so I'll know better for next time. So I'm still going to cling to the hope that someday she'll come back to me... but I won't ever act on that hope and let it affect me. It'll probably go away the second I meet someone new. Hopefully sharing all this will help someone else out there. Just writing about it is theraputic and hearing others thoughts is great! Keep 'em coming!

Hey there, I'm there too. I have posts around detailing my situation but basically it's the same as yours. I'm still in love with my ex, I am constantly reminded of her, and on occasion, I see her around because it's a small town. It's so not easy. It's been a month so far and I am just barely starting to come to grips. I'll tell you one thing that MAY help is listening to the radio. About 80 to 90% of songs out there are about this exact same situation. I find it kind of comforting that it's such a common problem. I'll tell you the same thing I try to tell myself. Life goes on. No matter how much you think you'll never meet anyone else like your ex, you could possibly meet someone better. There's so much variability in the future there's no reason to choose a bleak outlook over a happy outlook. None of us can see the future ergo don't worry about it. Things could just as easily get much better. It's a LOT easier said than done... honestly I have a hard time believing it myself sometimes, but you just have to hang in there. You'll get that much smarter and stronger because of this experience... that's all life is y'know, a series of experiences. Embrace them all, even the unpleasent ones because even the unpleasent ones are valuable in the grand scheme of things. MOJO

Hi everyone, I just wanted to share my whole story. Maybe it'll resonate with a few people or maybe someone will have some advice for me. Either way, I think it's theraputic to go over the whole thing at once like this. This all started last year when I first met Kim. We met on an internet discussion forum run by our university. We talked via this discussion group for months until finally everyone involved decided to meet face to face. There I met her for the first time and at the time, I wasn't really looking for a girlfriend, nor was I blown away by her looks, but the fact that she had some things in common with me made us friends for the next little while. She had a boyfriend when I met her but I found out that not long after she broke up with him and the next day she was going out with another guy. This other guy was apparently an ex-boyfriend of hers from before. I didn't matter to me at the time though so I didn't think much of it. That summer we talked a lot over ICQ and I found out she actually had quite a lot in common with me and as the months went by, I came to realize that Kim was exactly what I wanted in a girlfriend... but I didn't realize this until after her current boyfriend decided to propose. Kim said yes and I was shocked. I never told her how I felt until we got back to school and I was able to see her again. One night early in September I told her everything and how I felt. She said that it wasn't going to happen.. she was engaged afterall. Still, I made up my mind that I wasn't going to give up that easily. I figured I had nothing to lose by persisting, the worst that could happen was that she didn't change her mind and I was still single. Big deal right? Well, weeks and weeks went by and every night me and Kim would spend hours and hours together, just laying around and watching TV or going out to the pub or playing pool. I kept telling her that I was falling for her and she kept telling me that she was really flattered but she was still engaged. I didn't care and she didn't seem to mind the attention so we kept spending most of our time together. The guy she was dating lived far away so it was no problem to just spend a whole week with Kim and she'd go away for a weekend, or her bf would visit and I'd back off. It was all very secretive even though we weren't really "doing" anything but being friends. Weeks and weeks went by like this and Kim kept confiding in me how much of a jerk her fiance was and how great I was so I finally had to ask her to leave this guy and be with me. She still said no and then I told her I couldn't do this forever so she had to tell me to give up if that's what she wanted. She said that she didn't want me to give up.. so I didn't. Eventually, instead of just laying and watching TV we would embrace one another while we watched. I would sneak an occasional kiss at the end of the night and even managed to get her to stay the night on occasion. Still, she never "technically" cheated on her fiance.. but it was obvious she was planning on leaving him for me. In December my dream came true and Kim left him. I was on top of the world because I finally had a girlfriend who was also my best friend. We had all the same likes and dislikes and enjoyed the same activities. I was in paradise. Kim and I stayed together for the next 5 months.. and while it wasn't always perfect harmony, we were always together and couldn't bare to be apart for more than a day. One night, my friend told me that Kim's ex fiance had visited her that past weekend. When I snooped a little more I found out that Kim had been talking to him for awhile behind my back. When I asked her about it, she confessed that she was keeping it a secret because she was afraid of how I would react, but said they were only trying to be friends. She was very distraught about the whole thing and broke up with me that night only to call me back about an hour later to get back together. I'm not sure if that even technically counts but whatever. I explained to her that my trust was quite bruised but it was nothing that couldn't be fixed I thought. She agreed but everything still seemed weird to me. I was suspicious so that night, when, for the first time EVER, she asked me to leave her apartment so she could read by herself. On my walk home, I used a campus computer to go on ICQ and saw her online. I told her things looked fishy and she accused me of being crazy. I told her we should take a break and she agreed. Two days later she sent me an email breaking up with me. After that, I was confused and angry. Despite her assurance I couldn't shake the feeling that her ex was involved in this somehow so (yes, I know this is REALLY wrong by the way) over the next week I monitored her email account until the day she got an email from her ex. I read it and it was pretty clear they were back together. It was all very obvious now: She had been setting up her ex as the safety net to move on past me. I was furious so I said some pretty hurtful thing over email and to her face and didn't talk to her for close to 2 weeks. She emailed me wishing we could be civil with one another and I agreed we should be friends. I had had time to cool off and thought I could move on, but I was wrong and went through a whole gambit of emotions, each time sending a completely different email. From angry and hateful, to loving and pleading for a second chance. Over the past month or so, I've been going through the typical broken heart syndrome and unfortunately, handled it all wrong and drove Kim further away from me. Right now, I am just barely starting to get away from the emotional turmoil I was in but it still hits me sometimes that the one girl I was so in love with and had so much in common with is gone now. I don't think I'll ever find anyone who can offer the same commonalities and really, really, REALLY want Kim back. I'm forgetting what she did to me and how angry and hurt I was and now I'm scared to death that I'll never find anyone else. I think about her constantly and am constantly trying to fight the urge to visit her, call her or send her another email because everything I do now just comes off as obsessive or scary to her. I don't want to keep pushing her away so I've decided to do absolutely nothing. Hopefully if she still thinks of me as worthy of her time, she'll contact me first. I'm still in love with her despite what she's done. I'd still take her back in a split second and I can't let her go. Even though she's probably with the person she loves, I can't move on. I want to keep trying to win her back, just like I did last year when she was engaged. I loved her so much and was so happy and felt so unbelievably lucky to be with her.. now I feel like I've lost everything and find myself alone... sharing my problems with the whole world. Well that's my story. Hopefully this does some good. I think I feel a little better. I'm interested to hear what all of you have to say too. Later, MOJO

I just wanted to thank everyone for their various pieces of advice. This certainly is a hard time and it's good to hear people's points of view. I know ultimately I will make up my own mind but it's still good to run something up the flagpole and see if anyone salutes it. So to speak. I probably won't ever "give up" in the sense that I'll always love her and think of her as perfect for me. I realize that in that list of interests I rhymed off, I missed a pretty major one: be interested in me! Hahaha! Without that one, the rest of them are meaningless and all in all they're just icing on the cake. I will "give up" however in attempting to win her back. I'm not going to force myself on her and certainly not going to risk pushing her as far away as I have already. I'm going to keep living my life and rediscover my love of being single and take what life gives me. I'll probably meet someone else at some point who'll make me feel like that again. If Kim ever changes her mind and her thoughts drift back to me, I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Mmmmm... metaphors... Thanks everyone! Keep that advice coming.. and feel free to ICQ me anytime!

First of all, I do want to thank you two for the advice. I appreciate hearing objective opinions. I get advice from friends but they are relatively biassed in that they won't tell me anything I don't want to hear. Hopefully anyone I meet here will keep being honest. Anyway, I have heard all of these things before: move on, find someone else, she wasn't right for you, etc. but it's all so much easier said than done. This girl had all the same interests that I had. I have always wanted a girlfriend to also be my best friend and with her I had that. I will never find anyone who has so much in common with me and it scares me to death to think that I could wind up alone or settling for someone. I know I'm young and will probably meet a lot of people, but unless these new people can offer me the same commonalities, I'll always miss Kim. By the way... is there anyone out there who loves the Simpsons, plays pool, watches science fiction, is interested in psychology and is an atheist? If so, send me an ICQ or an email! Before I met Kim, I never thought I'd meet anyone with all those things in common with me.. everyone told me my standards are too high but there she was. Now it's gone and I want it back more than anything. Y'know that song by the band A Simple Plan called "Addicted". Yeah, that's me! I guess it's like you say though, you can't make someone love you. I realize that and I also realize that if she wanted to be with me, she'd try too so obviously she doesn't want to. I just want to hang on to the hope that someday, even if it's 10 years from now, they'll break up for the 4th time and she'll remember me and give me a call. Is that a dangerous hope to hang on to? I mean, I'm not talking about not doing anything for those 10 years and just waiting by the phone. I mean, if I met someone else (by some miracle) and was happy, I wouldn't just throw it all away for a second chance with Kim. I'm just wondering if hanging on to ANY shred of hope is dangerous? I guess I'm trying to get away with the minimal amount of effort here. ha! Thanks again

That's all well and good and like I said, part of me is already trying to move on BUT a) it's extremely hard - do you have any advice on how to do it? b) she's exactly what I want in a girl - shouldn't I keep trying if she's exactly what I'm looking for? When does it stop being romantic and start making me look foolish?

Hi everyone... I'm new to this whole thing so hopefully this is worthwhile. I noticed a lot of other posts on here dealing with the same kinds of problems I'm having. Any advice, or any friendly person to talk to would be appreciated. Basically, as my subject line suggests, I had a girlfriend who was definitely an EXACT match for me. When I met her, she was engaged to another guy but we had all the same interests, would think the same things at the same time, even had similar life goals so I had to try my best to get her despite her situation. It took a lot of persistance, but eventually, she left her fiance and went out with me. I thought I had found the "one" but for whatever reason it didn't work. It doesn't make sense to me so I'm not sure I can comment on it, but what wound up happening is after only a few months of going out, it got out that she was visiting with this guy behind my back and soon after I found out, she left me to go back out with her ex-fiance. She gave various reasons but none of them make sense. I'm not sure if that's just because I'm unwilling to make sense of them or that she's afraid to say something that could upset me more. This happened about a month ago and I've gone through a lot of emotions including anger and frustration and I think I may have pushed her farther away in an attempt to get her back. She said it was hopeless for me to try to begin with but now she's more convinced that ever that I was a mistake. My problem is that I want to move on but part of me still wants to cling to the hope that she'll come back to me. She's broken up with this same guy 3 times before that I know of, if she does it again, she might decide to come back to me. But my friends all think I'm being an idiot and that I should be glad she's gone because she hurt me so bad. I'm just really conflicted about everything. Should I move on? Keep trying? Just try to be her friend? Give up hope? What? Thanks everyone!