amelie

Dude, Sorry to rain on your parade, but to a lot of people (male and female) a week is way short of long enough to be thinking about having sex. Also, to say that you love each other after a week - well, that's just not true. You might really really want to get in each other's pants...but that's not the same thing as loving someone. In fact, if you really think you do love her, you will care more about spending time with her and getting to know her than just getting her to have sex with you. The fact is, your girlfriend might even want to wait several months...or even longer. When to have sex and with who is a very personal decision. If she is serious about you and thinks she really loves you she probably wants to know if you are really serious about her - what kind of man you are. Do you really care about her, or are you just trying to get in her pants? If you pressure her, she might just dump you outright. Or, if she doesn't - if she gives in to your pressure, then how are you going to feel? Maybe you think that would make you feel great - but wouldn't you rather she did it because she wanted to, not because you made her feel like she *had* to? Lastly, if you think you have to have sex and that's all you care about, why don't you just dump your girlfriend and go find some ho, instead of trying to turn your girlfriend into one? They're out there.

Alohagirl, Your boyfriend is not doing HIMSELF any favors by not taking responsibility for his life. Sad, but true. If he doesn't have a car, or a job, that stinks - and I'd imagine you're sympathetic - of course. But that doesn't give him the right to just assume that you will take care of him. By paying his way and bailing him out you are ENABLING him to not fix his life. As long as you are taking care of him, he probably won't get a job. He'll probably just keep letting you do all the work and keep you on the hook by getting you to feel sorry for him. Do your boyfriend a REAL favor (and yourself too) and tell him you're not in love with him anymore and you want to end it. Tell him he has to move out (or that you both have to move out) within a certain time frame. You are not his mother - you are his girlfriend. He has to take care of himself...if you want him to have a good life, don't enable him or torture yourself. Best of luck.

AudieB, I think BOTH of these people make valid points. Yes, you *can probably* manipulate your husband into acting nicer towards you - at least, for a while - by following Jeesr06's advice. It might not work, too - that's a chance you take either way. When someone is getting more distant, I have learned -- it is either a legitimate fear or gripe of some kind that they are afraid to express, OR it is a ploy to gain power and control. If you distance yourself in return, you will find out which one it is. If you distance yourself, and the other person responds with concern ("What's the matter? Do you still love me? Maybe we should talk about our issues.") then you know it is the first one. If they respond with abuse, then you know it is the second one, and you should start asking yourself if that is really the type of person you want to be with. It sounds to me like you are really angry at your husband for not pulling his weight financially in the relationship, and for being mean to you and putting you down. I think you have every right to feel that way, but you have to ask yourself how you got into this situation, I think. I was never a topless dancer, but I've been in destructive relationships before. And although I was angry and in pain, I stayed in them much longer than I should have. If you are feeling angry and sad, and like you deserve better - maybe you do. Mermayd43 asked why he doesn't appreciate everything you do for him...and that's a good question. Maybe because he doesn't respect you, and you don't respect yourself. Show some self-respect and do something about how this guy treats you. If it is too late to make him clean up his act, then you should move out, or kick him out. I know that would be very difficult to do, but it may be the only way to stay sane. You can't let someone push you around, or they will just keep on doing it. Stay strong.

Jitendra, I would encourage you to think about why you are sad that he is gone. I say that because I broke up with a guy about 3 years ago who I thought I really loved, but who was really mean to me, also - and for a while I really thought I missed him. But when I thought about it, I realized I really didn't miss him...I missed his potential. Everybody has a good side and a bad side. Your ex probably showed you his good side and his bad side, and you really liked the good side. You probably wish you could have him back - but just the good side. Not the part that hit you and treated you badly. Am I right? Well, people are not like that. Even if your ex got back together with you today - it would still be your *whole* ex - not just the good side. He would still treat you badly. So, while you may miss his good side (which is perfectly normal), you really don't want him back. You really don't miss all of him. You just wish he was a nicer person and that things had turned out differently. That's not the same thing as wishing you had never broken up with him. It is hard to see an ex date another person, it seems like they are winning and you are losing. But try to remember that your ex has not changed. He is the same guy with this new girl that he was with you. He isn't going to be nicer to her by magic. Even if he is nice to her now, he was probably nice to you in the beginning too. He will probably end up treating her badly too, and she'll probably dump him (if she's as sane as you are). Since you can't just have the part of your ex that you loved, maybe it is better not to have him at all. There are lots of nice men in the world who will treat you with respect and love...all you have to do is refuse to settle for less! If you accept a man into your life who is mean to you, or other people, you will probably get treated mean. Pick someone who is kind and generous, and you won't have to regret things. All the best!

Hi Cruisin, I can also identify with your story. I was raised in an alcoholic home and I learned from both of my parents very unhealthy ideas about relationships. People can and do learn these things either from an abnormal home environment or from other life experiences. The important thing is to recognize what you may have learned, and try to change your beliefs about relationships. It is not easy to do. This I know. A few years ago I was involved with a man who was bipolar. He was also very paranoid and narcissistic. Everything revolved around his problems, and his needs. I could not get him to do anything for me -- particularly if I asked for something. He claimed to love me, and at the time, I believed him and I thought I loved him too. Now I recognize that we never really loved each other...we just pushed all the right buttons on one another. Neither one of us really knew what healthy love was, because neither one of us had ever experienced it. We had a lot of chemistry, and a lot of lust, but we did not have love. The truth is, I was obsessed with fixing him, and he was obsessed with breaking me. We were not in love - not even really friends. We had a very sick relationship. When I first asked myself why I was involved with him, I could not come up with a reason. But now I realize there are plenty of good reasons. I was raised to believe that sacrifice is the only proof of love. My father demanded sacrifice and submission to his abuse to "prove that you love him". This was sick, but we believe what we are taught, and often repeat it. Also, my ex was very exciting. As Kinatra pointed out, some people love the rollercoaster. Until we decide that we really don't want any more drama in our lives, we will invite it in. And being with someone who loves you one day and hates you the next is very exciting indeed. When I focused on my ex's problems, I didn't have to work on my own. He was so much more messed up than I was, and that was the ultimate excuse not to see what I needed to deal with for myself. Lots of caretakers can deal with anything - so long as it isn't their own issues. Lastly, I realized that my ex had traits that I wanted to express, but was afraid to. He would act confidently, and assertively - he would go out and get what he wanted. Sometimes he did so in a negative way, but I learned that one reason I was so attracted to him was because he would reach for what he wanted, while I didn't have the courage to do that for myself. I realized I needed to find the courage. I'm still working on that one. I know this is a long post, but I just want to say that now I'm involved with a really nice man who loves me...and I love him. Now I know what love is and that it's not obsession, or lust. I still feel a twinge now and then when I think of my ex - but I know what that twinge is about. It is about my past with my father, partly - and, it is partly about losing, about not getting what I wanted (him) and I don't know about you, but I hate to lose! He did a lot of wrong things - he stabbed me in the back and I trusted him and he was wrong. But that's on his conscience now (if he has one). If he doesn't have one, I have complete confidence that he's going to find his way back to being lonely over and over again throughout life, and that is punishment plenty. Even if I couldn't get him to love me or treat me with respect, I am the one who is learning to take responsibility for me...so I have come out ahead. You will too.