Gunner6543

No change for me from school, to College, to UNI. I would be fine around people I know and be outgoing and happy, but be too shy to approach people I didn't know. However, having for the last couple of months, since coming to this site. Made an effort to change, I would say I've improved socially. Only by around 25% or so, but i can see myself making progress and I know i'll get there in the end if i keep doing what I'm doing.

Kevin T: You could go to a bar and not drink, ie have a coke. Then busy chatting the girls up. Alcohol Reduces you inhibitions, to both good and bad effect. Hence it's easier to say what you really want to say. The best advice I can give is to get your problem with shyness under control without drinking. Try this: link removed

Yes, everyone does.

Your original e-mail doesn't really grab attention, just about everyone did that on new years eve. You haven't got her interested in you, and she's probably got similar e-mails from hundreds of men. Either way it doesn't look like she's interested in getting to know you, so move on.

I have very few 'friends' at the movement and never have really. I have always been shy around people, and at school I was bullied continuously for the 5 years of secondary school (11-16), and had no real friends. The people I did hang around with treated my like crap, i.e. would always join in bullying me when others (who disliked me and would always bully me did). I must admit I have been at times guilty of this myself, ie joining in to prevent being bullied myself. I left school went to college, which was better than school as I wasn't bullied there, but had no real friends, only what can be described as acquaintances i.e. people I would talk to if was there, i.e. people in my class. I would never have their phone numbers, call them, hang out with them. The same really goes for university, and now work. I occasionally went out to lunch with people and spoke during breaks in lectures/work. I did have a few people's numbers, but I never really called or had any kind of friendship outside when we bumped in with people. Those that did know my phone number/MSN address would only contact me if they wanted to ask me a question on coursework, or some kind of technically issue, as i was probably top of my class at university (Doing Software Engineering) Here i am now, having spent the last couple of months doing reading self-improvement books with the sole intent of getting a girlfriend, at the time the sole intent was to have sex, but after doing this for some time. I have now come to realise that I lack social skill in general, and that no amount of understanding what creates attraction in women will do. I then (a couple of weeks ago) started reading Dale Carnagee's 'How to win friends and influence people' to improve my general social skills, and have found this material difficult to use as i am shy to approach people. I am afraid of approaching people in case they reject me or generally humiliate me, i.e. tell me to ' * * * * off i don't want to talk to you'. I have this problem with people i don't really know as well as those I do know. Hence i generally only have a conversation be that in person/phone/MSN/E-mail, if they contact me or I contact them because i want something. For example i can happily go about my daily life and speak to someone if i need something from them, such as a work college or some serving me in a shop. However, just talking in general, making small talk as it were is very difficult for me. Even when someone has started a conversation with me, unless I know them pretty well, it will generally be them asking me things and me answering their questions pretty shortly. ie How are you = fine and other pretty short answers. I sometimes go to my local pub and can only really approach people there that i know, so I stick with my well established group of friends, most of which were my step dad's friends, who know me because I went in there with him quite a bit when I was younger and had played (and beat) most of them at pool. When I was at secondary school this was probably the only place other than home where I had social contact as was not bullied in some way. These people are all around about 50 years old, so while I like them and would still go in there and have a pint, I feel I need some friends my own age, even they are only really acquaintances as i would only ever see them if I went down there. Yesterday I went to see Arsenal vs Charlton on my own, i was given two tickets a Christmas present but had no friends I could take to the game, so I sold my ticket to someone outside the emirates, however I told my mum that I went with a friend from university as I didn't want her to know that I had no friends. So while I can understand well sort of the stuff in the friendship book, such as showing interest in other, I feel that my shyness is holding me back in all areas of my life, as I cannot start conversations with others easily, i am constantly thinking about what others think of what I am doing. I cannot exchange phone numbers with people I know for fear of being told no i am not interested in knowing you, even with people I have been speaking to for months. Anyone have any advice on what I can do to improve my situation?

...and if you're really that worried then they don't even have to know. If your working and can afford to pay for it yourself then you can just go along for regular sessions without telling them. But telling them is the best option, as you've got nothing to be ashamed of.

Quite a lot of what is being communicated, is often not the words you say but how you say them. That means your tone of voice, body language, facial expression. For example if i told someone to * * * * off If i said that in an aggressive tone, with a snarl on my face, fists clenched and general looking like i wanted a fight, i would get a completely different reaction that if i said it with a smile on my face as they would know i was joking. So think about what your body language and general tone is staying to others. Do you often simile, do you walk around with your head held high or looking at the ground. Do you fidget and fiddle with things often. Are you approaching them casually or marching in etc, etc.

What is the reason words do not come into your mouth? I would have a strong hunch that the reason you can't think of anything to say is because you are scared to say anything to someone you don't know. I went around reading various web pages for idea, bought David DeAngelo's dating books and when i had a few i though i can use to start a conversation. When i came to it i just could not approach girls (or guys with the gift of hindsight). Even with the exact words to use in my head. I the reason for this is because i lack confienice, self-belif, i felt unattaratives, and was scared of rejection. Since then i've started on Tony Robbins Personal Power tapes I still have all of these problems, but i have improved in confidence since then, i still have not managed to do it but in general life i have improved in confidene, i am similing more, walking around with my head held high. I still have a long long way to go, but i think i'm getting there. Why not test this out by approaching a girl and saying: "Hey, i've got a quick question for you. I'm thinking of dying my hair blond, do you think that would look good on me?" See if you can.